Category: depression

Knack for Lyrics

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Been listening to Garth Brooks for the past hour. I forgot how much I miss listening to his voice and my favorite songs.

I didn’t have a good night sleeping. I woke up around 0330, fell back to sleep about an hour later only to wake up again a few hours in pain. Damn hip just doesn’t want to be slept on and if I sleep on my back it still hurts me. If I sleep on the opposite side, it still hurts so I can’t win.

I can’t believe I am saying this, but I really can’t wait for PT in a week. I really want them to give me an exercise that will stretch this out so that I am in less pain. I know that the script was for my ankle but they should be able to do something for me for my hip. I can’t be hurting all the time. I think that if they refuse, I will just call my doc and get them to have a new order. If I need to be seen by a doc, that wouldn’t upset me either. I am just so damn tired of being in pain. The pain medicine is only doing so much for me.

I have been playing my stupid Facebook game most of the day. I was so damn disappointed when I got the wrong dog on a timed thingy. Now I need to start another one but need to stockpile one of the items. It takes some time and I am glad people are still working on this mission because I would be so screwed otherwise.

My blog passed 33,000 views yesterday. I am so glad people read my blog. So thank you for reading.

Can’t believe that my stupid birthday is in nine days. I really am not looking forward to it. Every year, I have been so suicidal that I just didn’t care about the day. This year has been different. I am not really depressed and I am definitely not suicidal. Usually, I have a depression that makes walking feel like I am in mud. I have been trying to document the change but it has been hard to pinpoint. I know my feelings have changed since my last hospitalization and Robin Williams’s suicide. I guess you can say that I am glad that his death occurred while I was hospitalized. I don’t think I would be here otherwise. I think going back on mirtazapine was the best thing I could do for myself. It has been more than three months being on it and I still have been stable. Usually, the effects of the drug last one month and then it stops working. But for some reason, this time around, it has benefitted me. Only thing I hate about it is the increased appetite. And the subsequent weight gain. But since I have adjusted, my weight has been stable the past month or so.

I wanted to go for a walk today but my ankle thought otherwise. I hate having pain dictate what I do or don’t do. It totally sucks. I need to try and save my spoons for tomorrow when I deal with my father again.

I think I found a new “old” song that fits my therapist and I. It’s Garth’s song “A friend in me”. I will write out the lyrics and send them to her. I got half a letter and a blog post written to her that I have been meaning to send out. She likes getting letters. I’m telling you she is a nuttier case than me. I don’t know why some lyrics jump out at me and others don’t. For instance, there are no lyrics on 1989 that jump out at me that would fit my therapist. Maybe “Bad Blood” would fit with the lyrics “now we got problems and I don’t think we can solve them”, but other than that, the rest of the song doesn’t fit. Yet I listen to Garth, and at least three songs jump out at me. I don’t get this knack that I have, I really don’t.

Saturday Blog 15

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 15

I went over my father’s today to get his medication and fill his pill box for the week. For some reason he does not use the last S to take his pills. I don’t know why. Drives me nuts. But I didn’t stay too long as my sister came and got me. She dropped off some groceries.

I have been feeling okay today, despite my ankle giving me grief. I really didn’t think I was going to be able to go to my father’s because after I took a shower today, it flared up on me. Then the voices started acting up, telling me to take some pain meds. I think they wanted me to take more than what I wanted so I didn’t take anything. I gave the reason as dizziness and they seemed satisfied with that. The voices haven’t been demanding in quite some time. I think because I have been under so much stress with my father, they have found me again. It is always when I am vulnerable they come out.

For some reason, I read a comment that said I should be “real” in therapy. It was from that person that I wrote that I was the problem in therapy. I had to laugh at this because I don’t know how to be “fake”. This is who I am. I write the truth about how I feel and if that is too much for that person, there is the door. I don’t get how people can think they are better than another person in dealing with their problems. I am doing the best I can to keep going every day and not kill myself. I don’t want to say that I am living, because I hate that word. But that is the definition of what I am doing, despite dealing with chronic pain every day.

I got a message from a high school friend that read my book. He was appreciative that I wrote such a powerful book. I still don’t get what is so powerful about it. It is just my words on how I feel. He said the book helped him and that is all that really matters.

On the menu tonight is Nyquil served with my night time meds. I really don’t feel well. My mother has a chest cold and is hacking her brains out or trying to cough up a lung. I can’t decide which, but she is miserable. My sister lost her voice today so there are germs all around. I hope I don’t get sick again but my throat hurts and this cough left over from my cold of three weeks ago, still hasn’t gone away. So it’s going to be a Nyquil night, where hopefully I sleep all night. I also will be taking the abilify aka the pink pill to ward off the voices.

My ankle is being a brat right now so I just popped some pain pills. I really didn’t want to, but the throbbing is not helping my damn mood. I have been in pain consistently for three solid weeks with no break whatsoever. I am was tempted to call out the strong pain pills this morning when my hip was hurting but I decided not to. I am glad that once I started moving about, the hip pain went away.

Ankle Chronicles 9

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Ankle Chronicles 9

I went to my father’s today to get him straightened out with his meds and stuff. I forgot my sister had told me he was running low on some of his medication and I hope the doc calls it in today or my father is going to be without one of his heart medicines all weekend. Just lovely. If he wasn’t so damn frazzled on Wednesday, I might have remembered to look at his meds before leaving his house.

So before leaving his house, I told him to take his antibiotic at dinner time and then his night meds before bed. He said yes so I thought he understood what I was telling him. I couldn’t have been more wrong because for the past half hour he has been calling my phone and left me 4 fucking messages. My mother is not feeling well so I had to make her dinner. I wasn’t expecting any fucking calls so I left my phone in my room. He was so bullshit I wasn’t picking up the phone. I hate when he doesn’t fucking listen.

I spent four hours with him and my ankle didn’t like it one bit. By the time I walked to the bus stop, it was throbbing. I couldn’t understand why as I really was not standing for any lengths of time or walking great distances. My sister dropped me off to his place so I didn’t take the bus and the distance she dropped me off at was well within my walking distance. I just know that when I came home and took off my socks, I had a golf ball swelling and pain. I really don’t know what I did to cause this. It is driving me nuts that I barely did anything and it flares up. I sat the majority of the time I was at my father’s. But as usual, the pain is a damn mystery. I never will know what brings on the pain. My ankle can’t talk to me. It can only explode with pain and swell when it feels like it or when there is a reason and I just don’t know what that is. It is so damn frustrating.

I have reached my breaking point with my ankle and back pain. Between the two, I am going nuts. I can’t walk because of my ankle. I can’t stand too long because then I get spasms in my back. This has been going on for the past two weeks now. I was getting better with the back pain but something I did last Friday night while sleeping caused a flare up, again. I know that if I can just figure out how to stretch the area that hurts, it might feel better. This morning I tried just stretching my calf muscles because they are so damn tight. That didn’t work and just caused me more pain. I just feel like this pain is so limiting me and I don’t like it one bit.

Doing Nothing Kind of Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Doing nothing kind of day

Last night, my back pain returned. It was in competition with my ankle as to which body part was going to hurt more. Back won. This morning, I woke up with it and decided I was going to do nothing but try and stay in bed with muscle relaxers and pain meds. I wasn’t going to go over my father’s just so he could bitch and complain and be miserable. I’m done. My sister is done. He just better get used to things or he is going to alienate the only family he has. I just need to get back on my feet with my back and need a day to rest. So far resting hasn’t been working, though I can move my torso with less pain than I did last night.

I know I have writing to do. I have to type up the few pages that I wrote for my next book but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I know once I start doing it, it will be ok but for right now, I am having to sit up and type for only short periods of time because my back is aching so much. I really wish that it would get better. I took a nap after breakfast and had a dream that I went to the doc for my pain because the pain was now in my buttock. I woke up with excruciating pain in my hip. In the dream he just poke me and my butt exploded in pain. It was horrible that the dream was kind of true. I was in extreme pain but not in my butt, in my hip.

I have been debating calling my therapist but it’s after 2 and I doubt she will have a time for me. She is usually booked on Thursdays. I just feel like I am going crazy with having to deal with my father and this extra pain. And all of it started with a sneeze a few weeks ago. I am not at the suicidal range yet because I know this pain is temporary. Muscles take a while to heal and I know that. It is just the depression mixed in with the pain that is driving me crazy. I hate not being able to move or sit at my laptop for a few hours at a time, playing my game or writing. I haven’t written in my journal for at least two weeks and I usually enjoy that. Now I think it is a hassle. Since I have been blogging regularly, I feel like the writing, the actual pen and paper kind, is superfluous. So I have decreased the writing until I get the writing bug. The writing bug is when I have to write or I literally become anxious and don’t know what to do with myself. It doesn’t matter if I am typing or writing just as long as I get the words out of my head, whatever they might be. I will also write a letter to my therapist, or if the writing goes on for days, many letters. I just get this urge to write and it all comes spilling out.

My friend is in Brazil for his humanitarian efforts in the Amazon. He is providing free eye care to those in need. He has learned Portuguese so he can converse with the Brazilians. From what he has told me, they are literally dirt poor. I feel bad but I am glad my friend is doing such important work. Only trouble is that I haven’t seen him since August when he visited me in the hospital. I miss him. I miss our conversations. Hope we are able to get together after the holidays.

Yesterday’s blog was a success. I was finally able to figure out how to put in a YouTube video. Now that I know how, beware that there might be more in my upcoming blogs!