Category: depression

Long Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up around 0630 today in pain, again. This is getting so old. I haven’t taken a nap all day because I have been on Lesterwatch. It is coming down to Jon Lester signing with the Cubs or the Sox. And looks like there will be another day of anxiety because he can’t come to a decision today. I am so annoyed and frustrated. I want a decision and I want one NOW. But it’s not for me to make. I really would like Lester to be back in a Sox uniform come spring training. I miss him. But if he chooses to be in another uniform, I will be crushed, again.

I had a good session with my therapist today. We didn’t get anywhere with her anxiety problem but we are working on maybe using a code word when I sense she is getting tense to let her know. She really like my last blog post about how I handled the blog commenter. I didn’t know if I made sense as I was writing it while I was sleep deprived. Seems my best writing happens when I am in a sleep deprived state. Go figure. We also talked briefly about my father and his surgery. Then we talked about my pain levels. Told her my back is still out of commission. I just brushed my teeth and by the time I was done in the few minutes it took, while standing, my back spazzed big time. I don’t know what I am going to do. I am supposed to “babysit” my father tomorrow but I don’t know how that is going to go down. This sucks so bad. I can’t be living off Ativan. Maybe I should go to the docs and see what they have to say. Though I KNOW they are just going to just send me to physical therapy, as if that is the cure all for everything. I just have to wait till my appointment on the 22nd. I just hope I can last that long. I am really surprised my back has been out for so long. It has been three weeks now. And I was seeing some improvement until this weekend when I woke up with right hip pain.

The thing about my back pain is that it isn’t radiating down my legs or anything to indicate that it is more than a muscle pull. I know those take time to heal. I have been doing little PT exercises but they have been tough to do with the amount of pain I have been experiencing. In the morning, I can barely turn over to take some meds but once I do, I am fine. I just wish the spasms would stop.

Tomorrow, I have to deal with my father and I am not looking forward to it. But I have to because both my sisters have to work. I just hope that I don’t have to do his fucking laundry or cook him a meal. I just am not up for that. I definitely will be saying to laundry as I can’t be lifting anything with my back being the way it is.

My crazy cousin called me tonight. We chatted about things and about our stresses in life. He says he is doing ok and he sounds ok. I think he wanted to know the scoop about my father more than talk with me. We talked about how our mothers are driving us crazy, though to be fair, his mother is a piece of work. Very needy and attention seeking all the time, and always has to made first. I remember one time I wore a Red Sox hat that had 1937 on it for whatever year the hat design was. She thought I was wearing it to commemorate her birth year. Yeah right. I could care less. I can’t stand that woman and go out of my way to avoid her as much as possible. I don’t need her negativity in my life.

It was and is a really shitty day today so I didn’t go out, again, to get my prescription. Luckily, I am not completely out of it yet. I will be soon, if I don’t get off my ass. I think I will get it tomorrow after I finish with my father. I shouldn’t be there all day. I will just be spending a few hours with him. I will bring my book with me so I can read while he watches TV or lies down or does whatever suits him.

I’m the Problem

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt survivor

I’m the problem

A few days ago, I got a comment on one of my blogs saying that my therapist isn’t the problem, I am. I was bullshit because how could I be the problem when my therapist was the one freaking out over my suicidality. Then I read my blog that was commented on. The commenter missed the point I was trying to get across and was blaming me for my problems because I wasn’t seeing things “her” way. I was “choosing” to stay depressed and suicidal rather than getting my shit together and moving forward. If only it was that easy.

It got me pretty upset. I have been trying to get a hold of my therapist to get her input. I know she is NOT going to blame me for my problems. The whole point of this blog might be kind of stupid but I can’t sleep and it is on my mind. And I know that I won’t be able to sleep until I get the thoughts out.

The fact of the matter is that I have a therapist that freaks out whenever I bring up my suicidal tendencies or thoughts about death. I find it isolating because I can’t talk about these feelings with her. How can I when she becomes so tense and flips out? I feel that therapy should be a place that you can talk about anything in the world that is bothering you. But suicidal thoughts are so taboo that it is difficult to engage in that kind of talk. I have been through this with my therapist for the past 10 years and it is always the same. She starts talking about things that have nothing to do with my suicidality and I am left feeling alone and helpless. So how am I the problem when I can’t talk about how I feel when I know it will be falling on deaf ears?

This commenter also brought out that I am irresponsible, “choosing” to spend my money on coffee and music rather than my bills, which is totally untrue. I can’t make ends meet because I am on limited income and have more bills than I can pay. So some months I buy coffee and my country music because I think I earned that right. I don’t skip a bill payment because I pay for it. It just means that I can’t get to eat out or pay for groceries. I think I am responsible enough to know what to pay for and what is frivolous. I have 5 bills I am responsible for every month and I pay them even though it leaves me with little left over for things like coffee and music. And I shouldn’t have to explain to the internet what I spend my money on. This commenter just has an assumption that is wrong, all because she thinks she is an expert in financial matters.

I use my coffee spending as a reward and my one joy in life. If that is too much for you Ms. Expert, go suck an egg. I am not going to stop spending a miniscule amount of money for coffee just because you think I am being a big spender. I wish I had the money to be a big spender but I don’t. I am on a fixed income every month and have to make do with what I have. I don’t work anymore because I have chronic pain and mental illness that requires at least two hospitalizations a year. But then, if you think that this is all bullshit, try a day in my shoes. I am sure you will topple over the first hour.

My suicidality makes me a “difficult” patient. No therapist wants to see their client die by suicide. No therapist wants to see their client hurting so bad they want to hurt themselves. It is a challenge to the mental health field. I have worked hard on this blog to tell my story and hope that it helps someone. After your bogus comments, I was questioning whether to continue. But fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I am not going to stop blogging because of your ignorance and high almighty attitude. People need to know what it is like living like this, and living through it, though it is difficult, extremely difficult at times. If you can’t understand it, stop reading my blog and go bother someone else.

Super Coffee Buzz

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Super Coffee Buzz

Woke up early this morning, again, because of pain, again. My right hip doesn’t want to get better. I was doing okay and then woke up Saturday morning with this pain and it hasn’t settled down. I took a couple of pain pills and now it is less as long as I don’t move too much. This so sucks.

So I got up and made breakfast. I made an egg and toast, my usual. Then I wanted coffee so decided to just use two scoops of coffee instead of 2 ½. And the coffee is still strong. I feel like I am high the coffee has me in a buzz that good. I know it will wear off in an hour or two. But man this feeling is incredible. I feel like I can do anything. So I am going to type up the book today. That ought to keep me focused and maybe I can write some more.

Yesterday was not a good day for me at all. I had woken up in pain and things went downhill. I couldn’t sit for more than a few minutes, couldn’t stand longer than a few minutes. It was terrible. All because of pain. So I slept most of the day, or tried to. By the end of the day, the pain had lessened a little bit. I didn’t see my father because I knew going up and down the stairs would not be good. I will see him today as he is staying with my sister until he recovers from surgery. Hopefully, the drain that is in him will come out this week. I just tried to call for an appointment and the lady is running late. I hope that my father can be seen this week. It will be terrible to wait until next week for a post op appointment.

Just texted my therapist to see if she has any openings today. I feel like I need to talk to her. Things have been piling up and I just need to vent. I also need to know if she read my blog that I sent her. I think it will be important for her to read before we talk.

Aside from being up on coffee and low on pain, I am having a good day so far. I think that I can accomplish a few things today, as long as I don’t take a nap. I already have been playing in my games. I had to so that I can finally advance in my missions. I still need to buy horseshoes to complete a mission because the mission is old. But there is nothing I can do about that right now as I don’t have the money to purchase the damn horseshoes. Maybe when I get money for my birthday.

I was telling my mother about a cake that I was planning on making and she deterred me. She said that it takes too many eggs (6) and will need a bigger pan than what is called for. I don’t care. I plan on making it anyways, just to see how it will come out. If it comes out sucky, I will never make it again. I still want to try and make 7 Up biscuits. That requires a little more work even though there are only 4 ingredients. And I hate kneading dough so I am not sure I will make it. I might corral my niece, who likes to bake, to make them for me. I still have to buy the ingredients. I have to do shopping my next paycheck if I want to make these goodies, and pumpkin cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. My sister made pumpkin whoopee pies for Thanksgiving and I didn’t have one because my back was out and I couldn’t stay long for dessert. I know I would have loved it.

Up Early Again

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Up early again

I woke up around 0530 with back pain. I don’t know when this pain is going to go away. I could see what if I was doing something stressful, but all I was doing was sleeping. It is so annoying to wake up in pain.

When I woke up, two things fell off my bed and scared the crap out of me. It was my portfolio and a book. They made such a loud noise in my quiet room. I will pick them up later as I can bend down right now to return them back to where they belong.

I had such a long day yesterday that I couldn’t think of anything to blog about. Words were escaping me because I was so tired. I dealt with my father for 6 fucking hours. That was enough to drive me to drink. He was so ornery and deviant that I could have choked him. It’s a good thing I have patience with him otherwise I would have told him to fuck off and left. I really, really can’t stand him and I know it is only going to get worse as he gets older.

My mood is kind of low because I have not been having a good night’s sleep the past few days. I don’t know why I can’t sleep past six hours. But being in pain doesn’t help. Last night, before going to sleep, I started coughing really bad. I think I am getting sick so I am not going to be around my father today. My sisters can deal with him. I don’t know why I am so congested.

I really want to write my therapist a letter but I don’t know what to say. Things have been difficult between us lately. And she is clueless, as usual. I will try and talk with her about this on Tuesday when I see her. I might be able to take my sister’s car and visit her. But it will all depends if this congestion goes away or not. I don’t feel sick, but I just have this stupid cough.

I hope my therapist reads the last blog I sent her. Sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn’t. That makes things difficult because then I have to try and remember what the blog was about or worse, read it to her. That annoys me. I hate reading what I wrote. The difficulties we are having is that she keeps panicking whenever I bring up thoughts of death or suicide. Soon as I hear her voice change, I can’t talk to her anymore and I shut down. I feel like my feelings have no where to go and I get frustrated. The frustration just makes me more depressed and makes me feel alone. It drives me crazy that after 14 years of working together, she still fucking flips out over my suicidality. For once, I would love for her to accept it and explore it and possibly question it so that maybe it won’t haunt me so much. But I don’t think that is ever going to happen.

I was shocked, really shocked, when they were doing some pre-op questions for my father, they asked if he was in danger of hurting himself. I wanted to laugh and say he was too narcissistic to want to end his own life. But it seemed strange to ask him that right before he had surgery. I mean, if it was me, what were they going to do, put a watch on me while they operated? So stupid sometimes when they ask these questions. There are times when it is appropriate and other times when it is not. I mean, I get that suicide is an important issue to try and capture but I know that if the answer had been yes, things might not have changed. I just don’t get why they would ask something like that right before being operated on. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

I just had cookies and milk for breakfast. I really wanted to make some scrambled eggs but couldn’t be bothered. Yesterday I made them so very good. I put in three slices of cheese. I love when they are cheesy. I really want to have a poached egg but I suck at making them. I always break the yolk and then there is no point in eating it because the good stuff is gone. I like the yolk more than I like the whites. I also made a good cup of coffee yesterday. I was going to have a second cup at Starbucks but declined when I got to the station. I didn’t want to be jittery when I saw my father. That would have made things worse.