Category: depression

So tired and can’t sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

Been trying to sleep for the past hour and am failing. It’s wicked hot in the room. Despite it being 60 degrees out, the hospital still has the heat on.

The night staff was able to calm down the crier on the floor. I’m grateful because she was the next room near me. If I finally get sleepy, I won’t be disturbed.

I didn’t take all my meds tonight because the floor didn’t have them. So no Trileptal today or my blood pressure pills. Luckily missing one dose won’t matter.

I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know where I was. It’s the same unit I was on before. For some reason I got an error message when sending it but it showed in my sent folder. I just hope I didn’t send it multiple times.

I am listening to Eric Church to unwind. Record Year has been running around in my brain all night.

Day in the ER

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

I will be admitted. I have been here since 0730. Took 4 hours to be seen by psychiatry. Then another three for them to tell me I should be transferred around 2000. I got to take my ocp at that time. I will take it a little earlier before the ambulance comes to take me.

I am feeling depressed. A gentleman came in looking like my father did the last 3 weeks of his life. I’m just glad they put him in a room. It was distressing me.

I had lunch, which was turkey and mashed potatoes with carmelized onions with some squash. I didn’t like the squash. It was the only thing I ate all day aside from my large coffee.

I have been watching channel 5 all fucking day. If I hear one more thing about the stabbing that happened last night, I’m putting my headphones in. I have heard it for 8 fucking hours. Enough!

I hope I get dinner. I’m getting hungry again. But I can do without.

I had a good conversation with another pt. We both have been here for a long time. I gave her my card so we can keep in touch.

I am so exhausted from doing nothing. I’ve been up since 6 and left the house shortly there after. Been at the hospital for almost 12 hours. I know I’m not going to the floor till midnight or so. I doubt I’ll get my night meds tonight.

It kind of stinks that I really didn’t talk about my depression during the evaluation. My psychiatrist filled them in and I just confirmed what she said.

Its killing me to be called her and she. I know I should be used to it but it still bothers me.

random thoughts on hospitalization

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

Random thoughts on hospitalization

I have been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of hours. I don’t know if I will end up in the hospital that I want and might end up at a hospital I was at 15 years ago, before I was diagnosed with cauda equina syndrome. The hospital there was a good place. I got the help that I needed. But I wasn’t taking narcotic pain medication at the time. I hope that they will allow me to take my pain meds.

I also hope they will allow me to take my own OCP. Without these pills I will be screwed and I will have my menses messed up. Most places will allow it and I brought an unused pack with me. I have to remember to bring my charger and my journal because the journal has my medication list in it.

I wrote my mother a little note saying where I was and not to call me because I might not have access to my cell phone while in the ER or on the unit. If I am at the unit I was before, it won’t be a problem. But if I am at the other hospital, I don’t know what their policy is as I haven’t been there in 15 years.

I am very tired. But it’s still kind of “early”. I am afraid that if I go to sleep now, I will wake up before my alarm. I am also hungry but I don’t know what to eat. I probably will just fall asleep anyways so I don’t need food.

I want to email my psychiatrist about going in the hospital ED and whether I will have access to my cell phone or not. I will find out soon enough. This is so hard. I know it needs to be done but the anxiety surrounding it is tremendous. I got to remember to wear my slip on boots and not my sneakers because I don’t want them to remove the shoelaces. I hope they allow me to have my headphones. It will suck not being able to listen to music.

The Plan

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

The Plan

I talked with my therapist today about the hospital. We spent a good amount of time talking about it. She thinks that I need a rest and need to go in because the depression is too much. The plan is that I go in tomorrow morning to the psych ED hospital where I have the majority of my care. I think it will be easier for my psychiatrist to “control” things and get me where I need to be. I just hope I don’t end up in Timbuktu hospital. I don’t know what the bed availability of the hospital that I like is going to be. It might be a long wait. That is why I figure on going in the morning, before my mother wakes up. My therapist said that I should leave a note. I don’t feel comfortable with this idea but it might be better than her calling me every hour, trying to get in touch with me. She doesn’t understand the complexity of going in the hospital and that I might not have use of my cell phone. I haven’t told my sisters yet. The only people that really know are the people of the blog world.

I ate today. But it’s been the only thing that I have had besides an Ensure. Last night I was bitching because I needed $0.55 to complete an order for free shipping from Walgreens.com and around midnight, I spent more than the minimum amount for the same order. I ordered more Ensure as well as the Aspercreme lidocaine cream. I should have just bought it in the store today when I went for my mother. It would have saved me $35. I still can’t believe that I am still suffering from the physical symptoms of depression for the past five months or so. I asked my therapist when this was going to end and she had no answer for me. Five months is a long time for an episode. I hope my psychiatrist read my blog that I wrote last night. It details the depressive episode to a T.

I would have gone to the hospital today but I had no energy to deal with people today or lug my things to the hospital. Just going to Walgreens for a few items that I needed for my stay wore me out. I can’t believe the price of file boards. They used to be 99 cents. Now they are close to $8. Ridiculous. But I need the “safety” ones so I can use them in the hospital as they don’t allow the pointy ones or a nail cutter. I probably won’t use it, but you never know. I also bought a trial size of shampoo. The price of that went up as well. Unreal. Nothing is 99 cents anymore.

I have to take a shower tonight. It has been warm the past few days so I have been sweating. I don’t understand why I stink because I shaved my underarms. I know you can still smell, but it hasn’t been that long since my last shower! I smell like it’s been ages since I showered. I hate it. Because of the warm weather, I am in a quandary of what kind of clothes to wear tomorrow. If I wear shorts, it might be cold when I get discharged. I think even though I will be really warm, I will wear my jeans. I will pack a sweatshirt just in case. I don’t think the temps will be below 40 but knowing New England, it can drop that much. I just have one bag to pack and then I will be set. I just hope I can carry both bags on public transportation without hurting myself.