Category: depression

Immortality

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Immortality

I came home from the funeral reception a little while ago and decided to play some music. Pearl Jam’s song “Immortality” was the first song played so thought it would be a perfect title.

I didn’t think I was going to get through the funeral mass. My nieces said some scriptures and both broke down. It was heart breaking to see them cry. I feel really bad I am still in a state of shock and feel no emotion. I didn’t cry except when I found out my aunt was sick and thought she wasn’t going to be ok.

It was okay at the reception. I didn’t eat too much because I didn’t want to get sick. Lately I have been eating more than I have the past few weeks and my stomach has been hurting me afterwards. We have been having chicken ziti and broccoli all week. I don’t mind because I love the dish. My sister has been having edible arrangements delivered all week. We have a lot of fruit to eat.

I really haven’t cried for my father’s loss all week. I have moments of sadness but mostly I feel relieved. I really dislike my aunt (mother’s sister) who has been coming over with her loud mouth talking about anything and everything. It’s pissing me off because I just want things to be quiet and she just yells to get her point across. She was telling me that my cousin on my father’s side paid her a compliment about my grandmother and she cried. I wasn’t phased. She can cry at the mention of her mother’s name or grave site or anything for that matter. The thing that pisses me off the most is that she didn’t care for my father at all, not one fucking bit yet she is playing sympathy to him. She is something else and it bothers me so much. I really want to kick her out but she is at my sister’s place so I have no right to kick her out. So I leave to be alone and away from her.

I called the stupid oxygen people and said I wanted a fix time that they would be by because it’s hard to be at my father’s apartment waiting for them to come. They said they will be over between 1100 and 1300. My sister will be at his apartment to do some cleaning up. I am not sure I will be over. I got a call from a florist saying that there will be a delivery for me tomorrow and it’s perishable so I need to be home. My mother is deaf and won’t hear the doorbell. I have been going all week without a chance to breathe. It’s been go, go, go all week. I finally had a chance to email my friend to let him know my father died.

I am exhausted. I went to bed last night around midnight only to wake up at 0200. I couldn’t go back to sleep till almost 0400. We had to leave early this morning for the church and our final goodbyes at the funeral home. I snapped a pic of my father in the casket because that is how I want to remember him, not the way I last saw him before they collected his body. I made coffee this morning and had an Ensure for breakfast. I wasn’t up for eating anything. I had a small dish of pasta at the reception and some cheese when I came home. I am not hungry. I am sleepy, however.

Last night, I was talking with one of my cousins that I am really close to. Some how the whole transgender thing came up and I said don’t worry, I have had to play “daughter” all month and use my real name as well. It bothered me but I got a couple of sir calls last night with the funeral home men so that made me feel good. And there was an older gentleman that called me sir as well. I guess that is why I don’t feel like crying. I’m too stoic and I feel like I have to be the strong one while my sisters lose their emotions. I do feel inhibited for some reason. Like if something doesn’t go my way, I will blow up. Which is probably why I left my sister’s apartment before I blew up at my aunt and her ex son in law. I really don’t know why the fuck he was there.

Post 1727

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1727

Just came from the wake. It was the hardest thing I ever had to witness. Everyone was crying except me. There were a lot of people that came, including my dear high school friend, people from work, my “hubby” and his girlfriend, and my best friend from childhood. A few people from my father’s work came to pay their respects. That was really nice of them to come. My sister recognized one of the men that came because we had a picture of him.

Stupid me, I didn’t pack any pain pills so my leg acted up not even an hour into the funeral home. Thanks CES you really made my day. I crapped my pants this morning because I had loose stool and continued to go until I took Imodium. And I was also stupid because I took a senna tonight. Fuck. I am going to be out most of the day and I don’t know how my bowels are going to be. UGH.

My cousins were there and they were awesome. Not so much my crazy ass aunt that loves funerals and shit. I really should have told her not to show up. I did not want her there at all. One of my sister’s friends from work came and was like sorry for your loss because she was at the head of the line. Bitch should not have been there. I was so mad.

My father did not look so emaciated in the casket, though I was still waiting for him to jump out and yell surprise! I felt like taking a picture of him and I think I will tomorrow. I want to remember him that way than the last time I saw him when I found him dead.

My nephew said some nice words about my father. It was tough for him to say but he got through it. I know my sister is going to have a hard time saying the eulogy. I think tomorrow is going to be harder than today. I just know I will be relieved when all is said and done.

I meant to call the oxygen people and give them a piece of my mind. I might do that tomorrow after the funeral reception because it is ridiculous that they still have not picked up their equipment. I want to know the exact time they will be coming by so I can be there rather than waiting all damn day for them.

All in all, I am doing ok. I still feel pretty numb and sad but I am not tearful. I was able to reserve a car so I can see my therapist again next week. My sister wanted to go to Foxwoods but I really don’t want to go. I have no extra money to gamble. I am still debating on buying groceries for the month. Though I am still not eating half of what I should be. Today I had some chicken ziti and broccoli and a pastrami sub. I felt like having pastrami again so I got it. Don’t know why I am addicted to eating this particular sub but I am.

My foot is killing me as well as my leg. I hope I sleep tonight or tomorrow is going to be more difficult than it should be.

Wasted day but not really

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Wasted day but not really

I had gone to my father’s for nothing. The stupid oxygen people called me at 11 saying they would not be able to make it and had to reschedule. Fucking waste of my time as I sat in my dead father’s apartment for the second day in a row. I was able to rent a zipcar to go to therapy today. Some how between my father’s and home, I crapped my pants. This makes no sense as I didn’t have loose stool today or I wouldn’t have gone out. Stupid CES.

In therapy, we just talked about my father and how he died. I still feel guilty as I feel there should have been more I could have done for him. She told me there was nothing more I could have done. It helped a little coming from her. She asked how my grief was and I told her it was still in the shock/numb stage. There are moments where I will feel sad. I was riding on the bus today and was overcome with sadness. I thought I was going to cry. I didn’t but it was very difficult going to his house.

I have been up since 0500. When I woke up, I didn’t want anything to do with the wake or funeral. I really don’t want to go. I know I have to or I will feel guilty for the rest of my life. Found out my Godmother, who is my father’s sister, was taken to the hospital. She is doing better now. I hope she can make it to the wake but I will understand if she can’t. She is 91 and has Parkinson’s disease. She didn’t react well to losing her brother. I am really worried about her.

My cousin made us homemade mac and cheese. I was very hungry after not eating all day because I was sick this morning with a migraine. Now I feel sick after all the food I ingested. I have such a sour stomach it’s not funny. I ate it cold because I really don’t like reheated mac and cheese. I hope it stays in my stomach. I am not looking forward to taking my meds later tonight. If my stomach is still bothering me, I’ll just take the important pill and leave the rest.

Solemn Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Solemn day

My father passed away peacefully around 1545 today. We brought him home from the nursing home and he died within two hours of being there. My sisters and I were having lunch in the kitchen area when he passed. It’s been a difficult day. When he died, I felt nothing. I was looking at him when he died and was in shock. I think I still am because I haven’t cried or felt tearful. The hospice nurse was excellent. I just felt bad for the social worker that came to see us but my father passed before she got to his house.

Now the hard part is writing an obituary for the guy. My sisters and I were cracking up making jokes about how he was. I guess it was better than crying. I couldn’t stop laughing. Every time things got serious, I would say something sarcastic to get us going again.

I have no idea what we are going to do with his stuff. We can donate his clothing but stuff like his kitchen utensils and table, bedding, etc. what do you do? Tomorrow I have to go over my father’s so that the oxygen people can collect their stuff. It’s going to be weird being at his house without him there. We have 30 days to move all the stuff out.

My leg was no better today. I was walking with my cane most of the day. I also been taking my pain meds every few hours. Last night it took eight different pills to settle my pain. It was rough and then I woke up with it again this morning. I want to chop my leg off. I don’t know why the pain is so damn bad. The weather has been fair so I don’t understand it.

I feel relieved that my father is gone. I no longer feel sad, least for right now anyway. My psychiatrist asked how I was and I couldn’t think of anything to say for like two hours. I don’t know if I am going to be okay or not. I am worried about my sisters. The next few days are going to be rough. I don’t know when the arrangements are going to be yet. I guess there is a special way they prepare the body for cremation so we have to wait two days before we can have the wake and funeral mass.

I keep on having anxiety so I just asked my psych if I can take 2 mg of Ativan for tonight. I almost had a panic attack when I found out my father died. I have been on edge all day. I hope she says it is okay.