Category: suicide attempt

why should I live again?

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Bus saga continues

Today I get on the bus and of course it’s the same lady with the 3 wheeled stoller that was talking shit about disability. This time she was the rude was one as she was blocking the damn isle with the fucking stroller. People couldn’t get by without doing cartwheels. How fucking rude. Then a man who is slightly mentally disabled comes on and spills his coffee on the passenger next to him who was helping him trying to open it. I see this guy on the same bus. I am just going to wait for the next bus. I can’t stand this idiot. He is rude and belligerent. Always calls the bus driver an asshole. But he is never the problem. Everyone else is.

Talked with my therapist today. She got my letters and my CAMS paper. She gets it so I guess I have not lost my knack of telling things in simple terms. But I still feel like I have. We also talked about my upcoming plan to kill myself. She was trying to get me to see that I have something to live for but I told her, I just don’t care anymore. If I don’t try this time I will feel like the biggest loser in world. I have to do this. I am determined to do this. Nothing can really change my mind. She wants me to see her. She feels that maybe if we have a session face to face it will bring some connection back. Now I got to plan this out as I just can’t take my sister’s car whenever I want it. I mean I could if she is working and not using it but sometimes she takes her husband’s new truck and I just don’t feel comfortable driving it. I have yet to drive this vehicle. I don’t know why. I want to drive an F150 and if I can’t drive a Jeep, why bother with the F150 truck?

I feel that I am getting in the blinders and constriction of my suicidal thinking mode. It’s starting to become everything I thinking of. But I can’t kill myself now. I have to wait. I don’t know what I am truly waiting for but I know that I just can’t do it now. I don’t have true will power to do it. But it is starting to be on my mind more frequently than I like. I often wonder what the questions would be if I called the suicide hotline. I know they would assess my risk and then tell me to call back later if I felt I was in greater danger. I can’t stand that.

I just read some thing by my twitter friend @unsuicide. She just posted something about hopekits and such. I have been thinking about making one but I think why bother. It might help in the interim but I don’t think it will help in the long term. My suicidality is just too great.

I have been thinking about writing the paper about April and suicide risk but I would have to dig into the statistics and such. I actually forgot what the numbers were. I knew them at one point. My brain has just turned to mush. All it can think about is other stuff about suicide prevention but yet I can’t take it. I feel like such a hypocrite. Here I am saying what to do when someone is suicidal yet here I am suicidal and I don’t do any of that stuff. It’s not that I don’t do it because it is bullshit. I just don’t think it applies to me. I have been there many times. I have had too many hospitalizations that were worthless and made me more frustrated than before I entered. The whole system is backwards. I can’t stand it. And because I don’t have a degree I can’t change it or try to. And it’s my fault I don’t have a degree. I can’t blame anyone else. If I was smarter and less prone to mental breakdowns I would have had my degree by now, or at least closer to it. But no. I get the fuck its and my life is now over. There is no stopping me unless I win the lottery or something major shifts in my life, like they find a cure for CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I just tell my doc that the vicoden works for me but in reality it doesn’t really do much anymore. It takes some of the pain away but it comes back when it wears off. I had evidence of that last night. I took two vicoden with my night time meds and then got my second wind around midnight. By then, the pain meds wore off and I needed to take some more around two in the morning because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I can tolerate pain but when it becomes more than a 7 on a scale of 1-10, I have to take something before it gets out of control. Right now I am ok. But it’s day time. Pain won’t start until around 7 O’clock pm. And it is like this EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. So why should I live again?

this life would kill me…

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt, writing

The Boston Bruins have won the semi finals to advance to the Eastern finals. In Overtime. It was a spectacular game. I didn’t watch one second of it. I just had to turn on Facebook and Twitter to learn of the hits and misses. It was awesome. I can’t watch hockey. To me, I rather watch golf. It is the most boring game to me.

My Sox were off tonight. A travel day to the Trop in Florida. They will be playing the Tampa Bay Rays tomorrow.

My friend who gives me ideas sometimes for writing thinks I should write about suicide in the spring and baseball season. I think I have already written about it. But I almost told her that this was my last year. I have given up and there is really nothing no one can do about it. I am just going through the motions of living just to fool everyone around me into thinking I am ok. I hate having these dual feelings, the ambivalence about living. I just know I can’t go on. If I could, I would try something now but it will just mess up my plans for later on this year. I just don’t feel the timing is right. Not that the timing is ever right. I just have it in my head about this certain date and I got to make sure that things are set before this date. I might try in a month or two to leave this world but I am not sure. The ambivalence is just killing me, literally. I want to die but I don’t want to live. Maybe if I survive this, that will be the name of my book.

I have been writing about the Aeschi model and the CAMS model for the AAS blog that I write for. I feel like I have the basics down pat but I am stuck on the specific details about it. But then it is not an exact science. People have died even though they have followed the Suicide Status Form to a T. I still feel like trying to prevent suicide is a tricky business. You can’t take away that person’s option. Once you do, it is treacherous territory. But working with a suicidal person is risky. You might get them out of the water this time, but not be so successful the next. It take a constant vigilance and effort to deal with a suicidal person. I don’t know how my therapist does it. I feel like if I kill myself I will let her down. She traps me into living and I hate her for it. But like the song by Thompson Square, If I didn’t have you, goes. “This life would kill me if I didn’t have you.”

having a rough day

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Having a rough day.

Day is not going the way I wanted. I just wanted to sleep today but I am sick with allergies and post nasal drip. I can’t walk more than a few feet without a wave of nausea after sniffling or sneezing. I just took one of my anti-nausea pills that I use for my migraine to try and curb it as it should have stopped by now. I might be getting a migraine but I don’t know until sound or light starts bothering me. I just wanted to spend the day sleeping but that didn’t work for me. Once I woke up, I found it hard to go back to sleep. Plus it didn’t help that I was waiting for a text from my therapist so every text message I was jumping on.

I started re-reading my book but it just sounds stupid at this point. I hate reading and just feel like I should start a new paragraph and start there but I just don’t know what to write.

I still have not started my lyric song book. I think I will wait until the new Lady A album comes out tomorrow. I just some of the lyrics to their new songs and it sounds so amazing. I really love Lady A. They are a cool country group. I wish my Jennifer Nettles would hurry off her maternity leave and get back to work. But I know how it is with babies and such. It’s hard to leave them when they need constant care. I just am dying for some new Sugarland music!!

Been listening to the radio, something I don’t do regularly. I usually just listen to my MP3 player and listen to Taylor, Jason Aldean and Gary Allan. But the radio you get to listen to everyone. Today was the premiere of Tim Mcgraw’s video, “Highway Don’t Care”. I cried. It was so moving. Definitely going to be an award winner.

My Red Sox pulled out another win in the 11th inning. They would have won earlier if they didn’t call Drew out at the plate when the catcher didn’t apply the tag. The home plate ump sucked from that point on.

Right now it is four thirty in the morning and I am up with an upset stomach ache. I took some stuff to quiet it down but it still is bothering me. I hope I don’t throw up. I hate throwing up.

I finally got a reason for the nausea earlier today as I got a migraine in the 4th inning of the game. I hate migraines too.

I got to talk to my therapist today. I told her about the letter. She wanted me to read it to her but I told her I had already put it in an envelope for mailing. I did read her my blog from the other night, talking about me being a failure. She was trying to get me to see that I wasn’t but I paid no attention. She also wanted me to see my reasons for living but I can’t see that when I am suicidal. I can’t think of that. It holds me back and that is what she tries to do. And I hate her for it. I hate being forced to live for the sake of the people around me. It’s like being blackmailed to live. And I don’t like it one bit.

I’m getting sleepy now so I will stop here and continue this another day.

CRPS/RSD and Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

interesting article

twinklev's avatarRSD Advisory- Where Chronic Pain & Depression Collide

Over the years we have heard that suicides for CRPS/RSD (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome/Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy) patients is the highest of all suicide rates.

This may not be as necessarily true as it seemed. This also does not entirely mean it’s false.

The following is an excerpt by the Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome Association (RSDSA) –

Suicide and Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS)
On June 23, 2012, Jill Harkany-Friedman, PhD, spoke to the RSDSA Board of Directors and invited guests on the topic of CRPS and Suicide Prevention. Dr. Harkany-Friedman is the Senior Director of Research and Prevention for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). RSDSA asked Dr. Harkany-Friedman to speak because of recent suicides in the CRPS community. She assured us that although most individuals have fleeting thoughts of ending one’s life, suicide is relatively rare (12 out of 100,000). Furthermore, 90% of those who die by suicide…

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