There have been many times in the past few days with this pain cycle I am going through that I have wanted to just throw in the towel. but then I can’t be there for my mom and that bothers me. I hate to think that if I wasn’t here on Tuesday, if I had gone to Framingham like I was hoping, I would have lost my mother. I know my sisters would never forgive me. I just feel with this much pain I just can’t fucking cope. How can you cope with this shit. this shit is so fucking tough to deal with. I take my meds and I usually get knocked out. I took them today as if they were nothing. I am still coherent and not drunk but my foot is still rearing its ugly head saying I am still here and you can’t do nothing to touch me. i just took my second round and i am wondering if i am going to sleep tonight. Ice just made my foot numb but then the feeling came back worse. And yet I still have to live and put on a happy face because I can walk “correctly” and look good to people. Fuck that shit. I am done being the nice guy. I will tell people I am struggling but I never mention suicide. I told my friend in the UK my plan and all she can say is don’t do anything silly. What am i supposed to do? I can’t cut my foot off, though I would love to. at least with the possible phantom pain I will have a reason for the pain and maybe welcome it better. I don’t know. what I am reading about suicide doesn’t cover chronic physical pain. I took a psychache assessment today but couldn’t finish it because my head can’t distinguish my physical from psychache. I have no idea if I am making sense or if i am rambling so I will stop here.
Category: suicide attempt
Needs and wants
Every body needs somebody some times… These lyrics from Keith Urban describe how I feel today. Everyone has needs that have not been met and because of that they feel out of sorts. It could be disconnected from the world, feeling left out from a group, or even feeling unloved by those that love them the most. There is summary of the needs that Edwin Shneidman says are the core of suicidal thinking. I know I wrote about this in a previous blog called a little of this and that. But today I think I will write the needs in detail and what they mean.
ABATEMENT The need to submit passively; to belittle oneself
ACHIEVEMENT To accomplish something difficult; to overcome
AFFILIATION To adhere to a friend or group; to affiliate
AGGRESSION To overcome opposition forcefully; fight, attack
AUTONOMY To be independent and free; to shake off restraint
COUNTERACTION To make up for loss by retrieving; get even
DEFENDANCE To vindicate the self against criticism or blame
DEFERENCE To admire and support, praise emulate a superior
DOMINANCE To control, influence, and direct others; dominate
EXHIBITION To excite, fascinate, amuse, entertain others
HARMAVOIDANCE To avoid pain, injury, illness, and death
INVIOLACY To protect the self and one’s psychological space
NURTURANCE To feed, help console, protect, nurture another
ORDER To achieve organization and order among things and ideas
PLAY To act for fun; to seek pleasure for its own sake
REJECTION To exclude, banish, jilt, or expel another person
SENTIENCE To seek sensuous, creature-comfort experience
SHAME-AVOIDANCE To avoid humiliation and embarrassment
SUCCORANCE To have one’s needs gratified; to be loved
UNDERSTANDING To know answers; to know the hows and whys
You be the judge of your own needs and how they play out in your suicidality. Then work on ways to improving them, if possible.
suicide attempt survivors
Suicide attempters can be a challenge to clinicians. How to deal with this population that is at risk for attempting again? Research suggests that asking how they feel about their attempt might be useful. In a study in 2005 by Henriques et. Al, found that those that were glad to be alive or were ambivalent did not go on to kill themselves, where as those that felt they intended to die were 2.5 times likely greater to end their life later. This could explain why people attempt suicide once and never do it again and why some people continue to try.
I am a multi-suicide attempt survivor. And I think death is the answer to my problem yet I am still here. Now that could be because of my reasons to live vs. my reasons to die ratio is not high enough or because I suck at trying to kill myself. Another reason is that by chance I am not meant to die, that my time truly has not come but I digress. There were nights I hated myself for surviving my attempts and I still do. According to all the research, I should be dead. My therapist calls this exception to the rule. Maybe I am but I still try to plan my death.
I was not glad that I survived the attempt. I was not feeling ambivalent. But I think some people do have these and they go on living. Yes they have attempted but it also brought to them a realization that they were glad they survived. Something I have never experienced.
Reactions to how an attempter feels after can be an important clinical assessment. Something that might not be used across all clinicians. In this assessment it could perhaps lead to preventions because suicide attempters are more likely to try again. Maybe if we ask how they felt when they first survived, we might find a clue and prevent another attempt through clinical intervention.
© copyright 2013: Collerone, G
Great concert
I love Mary Chapin Carpenter. I saw her tonight as she was in my hometown. She was with Shawn Colvin. I didn’t like her stuff as much as Mary Chapin. I wished they played more songs from Mary but the played off one another . when it was Shawn’s turn, all I heard was blah blah blah. Her guitar playing was amazing. Her voice not so much.
I had a good time despite feeling a range of emotions. This most likely will be my last concert with Mary Chapin. I know she has struggled with a lot lately and overcame them. I wish I was strong like her.
midnightdemons7 
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