Had a bad night. Right before going to bed I decided to write my therapist a letter. I don’t know what possessed me to write to her at such a late hour but I did. It started off ok but then the more I wrote, the more I got upset. I starting thinking about how my life would be better off if I wasn’t in it. Then I started off saying that there is no point in being in therapy anyways if I was just going to take my life. And what is the point of therapy, why do I continue to go on knowing that I am going to take my life anyways. This time there is no doubt about it. I plan on taking my life sometime this year because there is no way I am going to live another year of being in chronic physical and emotional pain. I just can’t do it. I know there are people out there that have the same condition as me, who have the same degree of depression, who have no reason to go on. They might be down on their luck and everything that goes with it but they will get better with time. I also know they endure because suicide, although appealing to them, just doesn’t seem to be the answer for them or maybe they have tried and realized they are better off suffering. I don’t know. I just know that I am done. I am done trying to sort out my life knowing that I am a failure in everything I do. I might fail on this last bid to exit this world but at least I can’t say that I didn’t try hard enough this time. I have been planning for years and if I don’t do it now, then I might as well just stop saying that I am going to kill myself when I know I’m not. I want to be dead, why is that hard for people to understand. I know there are people in my life that will have no clue why I’m suicidal, but I am hoping these blogs will help them understand that I am just a loser who fails at everything I do. I should be places right now, have my degree and be on my own, making the kind of money a degree brings. Instead my illness has robbed me of that and so much more. It has destroyed my credit history and I really don’t care much anymore because I will be dead. Least I hope I will be. I might fail because I am just a failure and don’t failures always fail?
Category: suicide attempt
dogs and baseball
I helped my sister out today getting ready for my sister’s communion tomorrow. It wiped me out and I have been trying to nap unsuccessfully. I think I did finally snooze out only to get rudely awakened by the neighbor’s dog whose bark sounds like he has bronchitis. I hate this dog, but then I hate all dogs who bark loudly and obnoxiously. I am definitely not a dog person. But I can stand to be around them. I have dogsitted a few times in my life.
Right now it is just eight o’clock. My allergies are going beserk. I have not stopped sneezing but I feel like I am going to throw up because of post nasal drip. My foot has decided to turn bitter cold which means when it warms up I will be shrieking like a fool because it will be hot as hell. The pain will soon start because it is cold so would like to take meds but I don’t know if I can hold them down because I am so nauseous.
I would like to watch the baseball game but I am so tired I don’t think I will make it through the first inning. This will be the first baseball game of the season that I will be missing. I might hear it on the radio. I have not decided yet. It all depends if this nausea goes away and I can take my pain pills and meds. The hockey game is also playing tonight. Bruins and Toronto. I am not a hockey person. All I know about hockey is that you have to put the puck in the net. That is all! I don’t know the rules, the positions, na-da. Well, I know one position, the goalie, but then who doesn’t know that! I am a 100% baseball person. I might not know all the rules but I know how the game is played. I still have no idea what the numbers are for the positions. I don’t really care. Shortstop to 2nd to 1st for a double play is all I care about.
I hope my boys do well tonight. I know that I am probably not going to be able to really sleep without checking the score now and again. I tried last night to not watch the slaughter but I still kept tabs to find the final score was 7-0. I just turned on the game and it is already 1-0 Rangers. UGH!! I am trying to have confidence in Lackey but it is hard to do. UGH and it sounds like Lou Merloni is in the booth with Joe Castiglione. I cannot stand Lou. He over analyzes. And I hate it when announcers over analyze. Guess that is all for now as I can’t concentrate with the game on :-)
Ramblings 37: intent to die
Been an early morning for me. I woke up at eight and my grocery delivery isn’t until eleven or so. I am hoping it is at eleven but they gave me a time frame of eleven to one. I saved a dollar by choosing this time.
I have been feeling pretty low the past few days. I don’t know why. I just have had a low mood of not wanting to do anything but have been forcing myself to do things. Today because I didn’t wake up with the horrible ankle pain, I am going to try and take a shower after the delivery and go out and get more coffee. I just had a cup but I know it’s not enough to keep me going. Besides I like to sit outside and read for a bit to make some headway on my book. The book is called “Team of Rivals” and it is about Lincoln’s political life and cabinet while in office. Right now I am reading the stuff that happened before he was chosen as the republican candidate for the 1860 election. I find it interesting that the author is talking in detail about the three other candidates, Seward, Bates, and Chase, men who later became members of his cabinet.
Other than reading, I plan on working on my book. I am hoping that if I read it through I can edit it and add stuff to it. Right now it just sounds like an essay of my life. I have not talked about the beginnings of my life. Just started at when I took my first serious overdose that landed me in the hospital. That is my starting point for me because it changed me profoundly. It didn’t help my suicidal feelings and I wanted to kill myself more than ever while I was in the hospital but it also changed my thinking so that I could deal with my suicidality and sort of live with it. There have been attempts after this, but they were not as serious as this one was. And there were plenty of hospitalizations after too. I was averaging at least two per year. Though there was a period where I did not go in the hospital, I have been hospitalized twice this past year and may need to go in again. I have been dreading it because they always mess up my meds. I like to take my meds in the evening, right before bed. But the stupid docs think that I take them in the morning and so they haul my ass out of bed while I am still asleep just for me to tell the Med Nurse to stuff it. It all gets sorted out the day I get discharged or the day before. Not much help there.
I am doing a back up recovery on my computer so I hope that I don’t lose this paper. I have not done this since I bought my laptop. And like I thought, when it finished it restarted the laptop. Glad I saved when I did. I get really mad when I lose a document.
My groceries have just been delivered and I should shower and get dressed but I just don’t feel like it right now. I feel like writing some more but not really sure where this rambling is leading to. Been thinking about what I said earlier about my serious suicide attempt versus my not so serious ones. What defines a serious one versus not? If you need medical attention and end up on a medical ward or the ICU, that is a serious attempt. If you just take a few pills and feel woozy, that is less serious or if you slice your wrist and need stitches but did not intend to die. The key word is intent to die. There are a lot of people who try to take their life without the intention of ending their life. They just wanted to end the pain and if it meant they died than so be it. But then there are people who do the same dangerous things with the intent to die. It’s a slippery slope.
There have been a few times I have been put in the hospital because I cut my wrist. I didn’t intend to die, I just cut a little deeper than I wanted and needed some stitches. Sometimes I have been able to talk my way out of getting hospitalized because when I cut, I do not intend to die. I just want to relieve the pressure of my feelings. Then there are times when I want to overdose on something and that will lead me to a hospitalization. A couple of times I have told the hospital staff that I wanted to jump in front of a train. But that seems to scary for me. I don’t know if I will be able to do it. I once rehearsed it, not really jumping in the tracks but jumping from a height that was similar to the tracks. I also timed where would be the train coming in the fastest. I rode the trains a long time to sort out things but I never tried jumping.
I hope that this is making sense. I know these are just thoughts that are just coming off the top of my head. But isn’t that how all writers write?
whine
Feeling pretty low right now. I don’t really know why. I have been stuck in the house most of the day because my ankle has been hurting. The most I did today was order groceries. I debated going to the grocery store but I knew I wouldn’t be able to get as much stuff as I can online and I knew it would cost the same or more if I went. Guess it evens out.
I don’t know why I feel like crying. I just finished watching Hart of Dixie and I think Wade and Zoe are back together. I hope they are because they made such a good couple but who knows. I really like this show.
Been thinking about writing another paper but so far nothing has come to me about what I should write on. I know I should work on my book but I just don’t have the energy for that. Right now all I want to do is sleep. I am kind of dopey from the pain meds. I should take a shower to try and wake up but that would involve standing and I don’t want to stand too long on my sore ankle. I think part of the reason I am depressed is because it is nice out and I am stuck inside because I can’t go out because of pain. Even going up and down the stairs to my room is painful.
I am so tired of being in pain. I wish I could do something about it but there is nothing I can do except take pain meds. I really want to try and find a job but seeing as I can’t walk too long or stand too long, I really don’t know what kind of job I can do. I have worked in the lab for fourteen years and now I can’t do that anymore. I was hoping to go back to it at some point because the pay is good but I just can’t run around and walk all over the place like I used to.
I just want to do something today. I know I can go out but it will hurt me later tonight. It’s so frustrating. I just want to nap and I think that is what I am going to do…
midnightdemons7 
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