Category: suicide attempt

Post Marathon feelings part 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Boston had a good sports night. All three teams won, Bruins (hockey), Celtics (basketball), and Red Sox (baseball). I feel pretty good that they won. I also am amazed that people with my condition have a resilience that goes deeper than the injury of cauda equina syndrome. A friend of mine is going to have surgery to close her stoma for the bladder that she has had for the past several years. Her doctor thinks that because of MRSA it is not closing properly so it needs to be debrided. So far she seems to be in good spirits but I know I would be in a different place having to deal with that. I can’t imagine what she is going through but I understand it.

I am still having a hard time with the bombing attack on my city. Today, three more people were arrested in connection with the bombings. I thought it was over but it is not. I don’t know when it will end. Tonight the Red Sox gave up five home runs and each of them were considered “bombs” and I just shuttered. I can’t even hear the word anymore without it taking me back to what happened just two weeks ago. I had to unfollow one of my tweets because they were just scaring me. It was like every feed had a new twist in the bombings. I wish they didn’t have to be so public about. I wish the media would tone down the story just a bit. It can make you crazy, like I am just thinking about it. My dreams are still filled with remnants of the bombings. I can’t listen to a motorcycle without thinking it’s gunfire. My brain just can’t shut off unless I am heavily drugged some nights but that is because the pain in my leg hurts so bad.

The other night I really wanted to do some damage to it. And I don’t mean roughing it up. I wanted to take a razor and slice it open, hoping that the part that is swollen would have some release and would ooze out. But I know medically it is probably deeper than superficial and I would have to cut deep and probably would end up really hurting my tendon that way. But the thought of doing it calms me down. I can imagine what it might feel like and feel the blood dripping, if at all. Since I have decreased sensation I wonder if I will really feel any of these things or if I don’t, I will feel it later when the nerve messages reaches my brain like when I stub my foot. It can take over an hour for it to hit me. And then I am like WTF is that. Then I remember I hit my foot. Doesn’t make any sense I know but that is what I have to live with.

Totally random thoughts: I had a craving today for chips and salsa with guacamole. It was pretty good but now I am thinking how to keep the guac from turning brown. I am glad I have google to help me with this.

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

May is National Mental Health Month by Presidential Proclamation. I know I should feel happy that steps are being made to make mental health issues more aware to people but at the same time, I can help but feel resentful that I cannot find a therapist within a five mile radius of my house because of the severity of my illness. When my therapist and I knew that I couldn’t see her anymore because distance was a factor, I tried finding another therapist. I didn’t try once or twice. I tried ten fricken times. The last therapist that I saw locally was at a mental health clinic I used to go to as a teen but he was too scared of me. He was too afraid I might kill myself so that made it difficult for me to trust him. How could I work with some one that was scared of me? I am sure my current therapist gets scared when I tell her I am suicidal. Her anxiety goes up because she like to talk stupid things. I get that me being suicidal is not easy for mental health clinicians. It’s a clinician’s worse nightmare to hear that their client is suicidal or thinking about ending their life. But I know there are going to be a lot of people who have had past attempted suicides that are going to be in the same boat I am. No one wants to deal with this population. It is a crying shame. And no wonder Suicide is a leading killer of the United States.

In addition to me having mental health issues, I also have physical issues that prevent me from walking long distances. It makes me crazy that I have this problem and my mental health team does so much to help me deal with it. I was once working two jobs, but that proved to be too much for me and now I am collecting social security benefits and wondering if I will ever be able to hold down a job again. I don’t know. I really want to go back to school but I cannot afford it financially. I have defaulted on my student loans so there is no hope of me ever going back to school on my income. I know it is my fault and it pains me so severely that I want to kill myself because I know I have wrecked whatever credit I ever had. It physically and emotionally hurts knowing that my credit is fucked. I can never own another credit card for as a long as I live and I cannot begin to think of what lies ahead. I always hear that some jobs require a credit history check. If that is the case for me, I know I will not be able to get back to work.
I hate the idea of not being able to support myself. I know that I have made mistakes in my life and if I could do it over again, I would not make the same one. I would be further along in my degree and I would be on my way of being the kind of therapist I want to be. I know that there will always be risks with working with suicidal clients. I know because I am one of them. But mental health awareness campaigns do help screen for depression. But it doesn’t help those that want to kill themselves. Very rarely do you see the question on questionnaires, do you or have you thought of killing yourself in the past week.

So I wonder now that May is mental health awareness month, will I be able to find a therapist within a five mile radius from my house?

a painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Woke up today in pain. It should have been a sign not to go out today but it was such a beautiful day out I decided to go out anyways. I got my coffee at Starbucks, my West Java which tastes like a little chocolate coffee. I started journaling but got bored so decided to write a letter to my therapist about how I feel about our last few sessions.

I feel like she has been blowing me off when I tell her I am suicidal. The most she can say is go into the hospital instead of trying to work through it. And that just pisses me off because the hospital is NOT the fucking answer to being suicidal. She doesn’t use the pain scales or even use the SSF’s when I get suicidal anymore. I think I am barking up the wrong tree. I don’t even know if she is taking me seriously anymore. I have not thought how I would kill myself but I just know that I want to die. I am trying to write this all down but my head is still half asleep because I took a pain pill before leaving the house and it makes it hard to concentrate. And the music today in Starbucks was a little louder than it normally is so I was being distracted very easily and could not focus on what I wanted to write. So I texted her that I wanted a check in, not to tell her all this, but just to tell her I am having a hard time. I hope she calls me but then we have an early appointment tomorrow so she may not.

On my way home, a three wheeled stroller got on the bus next to me. On my way off, my bad ankle couldn’t clear the wheels and I sort of tripped. Just fucking great. I now am in really bad pain and I have a golfball swelling on my ankle bone. I just iced it, took another pain pill, and put on the compound mixture of different meds to try and get it to calm down. So far, the pain is down a notch but that is all. I am screwed. I know tomorrow I am not going out as I need to rest it. All because I wanted to get a coffee at my favorite coffee house.

Today I finally learned how to print a PDF from my new laptop. I really didn’t want to have to switch laptops to get it printed. But control P works! The article I printed was about CAMS, Collaborating Assessment and Managing Suicide. It was a nice article that summarized the breakdown of how it evolved and where it stands now. I love this idea and I wish my therapist would open her pea brained mind just a little bit to let this in but noooo. I don’t want her to become a suicidologist, just to open her mind a little about the current trends out there that might be helpful to me. Is that too much to fucking ask??

My safety is kind of in question at the moment. I really want to slice open my ankle to let the swelling out but I don’t think I will get anything more than just blood. I would have to cut pretty deep to get to the root of the swelling and cutting deep would mean stitches. If that happens, I am liable to end up in the hospital. I don’t want that. I just want the swelling and pain to go down. Ice has not helped. I get to ice it again in an hour or two. I know part of the reason it hurts is because it is swollen. There is not much space for swelling to happen down there and it hurts when there is fluid build up. I was hoping that compound might shrink the tissues but it does the opposite with one of the ingredients. It brings blood to the surface to absorb the stuff. I can’t tell if it helps. I only have used it twice so far.

No ball game tonight so I will be bored. Maybe I can get some reading done. I have not been so great at that. Facebook games have been distracting me. But seeing as I will be laid up for a while until the swelling in my ankle goes down, I think reading will be good, as I got like a 1,000 page book to read. It is called Team of Rivals and is about how four people became the republican nomination for presidency in 1860, and also about Lincoln and the war. I have not ventured too far in the book but I am making headway as I am at page 150. It is easy reading though I cannot read too long because then my eyes do a weird thing that makes things double. I feel like I could use another cup of coffee. I am so tired but I don’t feel like going downstairs to get it. It will put too much of a strain on my ankle.

scary day

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I am in a state of shock. Two police officers were shot early this morning by the Marathon bombers. One of the suspects is dead and the other is on the loose. They were brothers. I can’t watch the news anymore because I am afraid something dreadful is going to happen. The apartment they have found explosives in their apartment. I just hope that it is not booby trapped of any kind. There was also a shoot out this morning and I am hoping suspect number 2 is hurt. They found a large blood stain on a house in one of the cities in lock down. But still this person is at large and I don’t know if the police really know where the suspect is hiding or where he is. News reporters are not saying that, just that police are blocking off the streets for public safety.

I am kind of scared that this is happening. One if the cities is the next town over from me. I know exactly where the street is they are talking about because I have been on the main street where it is off of many times. It is not far from Cambridge city Hospital. I don’t know if that hospital is on alert. It should be.

Because I don’t have a car, I am stuck in my house. Not that I would be going anywhere anyways. The cities are in lockdown almost. I am hoping the guy doesn’t come into my city. But it looks like he still is on the outskirts of town, possibly. No one knows for sure.

Then a guy down the street started up his motorcycle and I thought it was gunfire! I have been a wreck ever since. I am so scared of a bomb going off near me and hearing it would just kill me. I fear for those law enforcement officers who have come from neighboring towns and the state police and FBI agents that are going through every piece of evidence they are getting from the suspects house. I just hope that there are no booby traps and everyone comes out safely. There are already two officers hurt, one killed by the fuckers. Least one suspect is dead. No we just got to get the younger one.