I am tired. So very tired and don’t know why. I didn’t sleep last night. I didn’t go to bed till six in the morning because my brain just would not shut off.
I kept on thinking about my TG issues. I finally came out to my group to call me Mike. I also changed my name on Facebook to call me Mike. So far everyone has been so supportive I am almost tempted to try my real family and see if I still get the support but I am very afraid to. I am so afraid of rejection that I know it will send me to a tailspin suicidal crisis. I don’t think anyone understands the pain that I am feeling. Maybe that is what is making me exhausted. I could take my meds now and fall asleep. Another day will rise and maybe this would all be a dream.
I am cold. I still have this bloody cold and cough for the past week. I hate being sick.
I also been thinking about what I wrote last night about Shneidman. Maybe he wouldn’t be rolling over in his grave because there would be less man hours going over hundreds of notes. The hard part of this study is that all of them have to be inputted by hand into computer. Now that is a lot of man hours!! But if it helps the greater good so be it.
I was talking with a fellow blogger who was suicidal and he/she wanted help yet when they got it, rejected it, saying that I didn’t know what I was talking about. I got really mad. Telling me I don’t know what depression is like is telling me I don’t know how to breathe. This dude has some serious issues. SO I walked away. Obviously he didn’t want to be helped and so be it if he wanted to kill himself there was no way I could stop him. I was trying to be there for him and he was rejecting my help so fuck him. Let him stay in his own miserable world, thinking he is the ONLY person that feels pain. I never seen such a case of stupidity but then again I am new to this blogging thing. I can’t help everyone I guess.
Category: suicide attempt
30 Day Writing Challenge Day 6
30 Day Writing Challenge Day 6
Your views on Mainstream Music
Frankly don’t think I can comment on something that I have no idea what it is about. I mostly listen to alternative, rock, and COUNTRY. My music is toward those genre than Mainstream and I don’t listen to anything but country radio anymore and maybe some 90’s when I am in the mood.
a four letter word
Been having on and off bouts of depression and self worthlessness today. I don’t know why I feel like crap. I realized it’s been a week since I have taken my day time med. I have been suffering from a cold all week and am just starting to feel better except for this cough that won’t go away despite me taking loads of vitamin D. I am convinced that increased vit D will tail off a viral infection such as a cold. When I get better I will go back to taking it every day.
My therapist and pdoc are on vacation at the same time. It’s been a rough week you could say. I keep thinking about why am i alive. According to what I read, I should be dead 10 years ago yet I have not made a single attempt on my life in that span of time, well with the minor exception of a month ago when I was in severe physical pain. I don’t feel like I should live. I just want to scream and I don’t know why I am so frustrated. But I am. I want to be dead and yet these people who don’t even know me want me to live, for me to talk of my struggles like it was some kind of game. I feel exploited and some of that is my fault for having this blog and trying to reach other people who feel the same way. I just feel so burdened with this. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere but in the misfit group.
Tonight my writing partner sent me a link on her study that she is working on. She is almost done with it, just a few more pages to go for analysis and she is done. The work is interesting and the fact that a computer can distinguish between non suicidal and suicidal individuals is impressive. Shneidman would be proud, though given his proclivity to new age technology, he might be daunted. He spent his life going over suicide notes and now a computer can tell him what he always wanted to know. I find this depressing. I wonder if the computer could tell me if I am suicidal.
There has been a lot of studies of analyzing handwriting to find out if someone is suicidal. The key in my mind is a four letter word, only. That word to me is whether the person is truly suicidal or not. As in, it is my only option. I wonder if I were to talk to Dr. Shneidman today what he would say. But I have missed my chance. I am a low life that is trying for affiliation and failing at it.
Feeling low and insecure, really am feeling like I could slash my wrist. I hate being stuck in this body. Trigger tonight was people calling me by my birth name. I couldn’t stand it. I want to cut so bad. I hate myself. I want to stab myself over and over to get the badness out of me. I hate feeling like this, like a damn freak.
Shneidman’s work has been replaced by computers. He must be rolling over in his grave the poor man. And I feel disconnected, like I’m somebody but I am not. I hate feeling like a loser. I hate it when Bozo is on vacation. I never needed her more and I can’t even put into words what I am feeling. I’m just imagining myself wit stab wounds in the kitchen because I’m so pissed at myself. There was an article from 1978, 34 yrs ago about suicide attempts and FTM. 34 years and nothing since then. Maybe I am past my prime. I know my fucking period is what is throwing me off balance as much as I have been trying to ignore it for the past week but I just can’t anymore because I am bleeding a little heavier every day. I know that if I see someone I will most likely have to do the female exam and that will just torture my soul. I just took two vicoden because my foot is in danger of being hacked into. Funny how the narcotics can help with the physical pain but not the psychological. I hate my life. I hate living this way.
30 Day writing Challenge Day 5
30 Day writing Challenge Day 5
Things you want to say to an ex:
I had already come to terms with this exercise by writing how I really feel about my ex, who is now my ex ex by writing her a letter detailing the reasons why we shouldn’t be together. It’s too private to post. I don’t really know what I would say to her. She was my everything and now she is my nothing. I really thought I could help her but she didn’t need my help in getting her life on track. I ended it because it was too painful to tell her the truth about why I could no longer even be friends with her. It still hurts but I am glad that I am moving on.
midnightdemons7 
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