Tag: baseball

Books and writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Books and writing

I had to drop some stuff off at my aunt’s as my mother was there and it was stuff that she needed. My aunt knows that I wrote a book last year. I doubt she has bought it or read it. It sold about 100 copies, which was my goal. Course her family thought that I should be a millionaire because I have a book sold. Things don’t work that way, sad to say.

As I was getting to leave, she stopped me to talk about the book she wants to write. I did all I could not to laugh and not roll my eyes. We have had this conversation before. She thinks her family is so great and it will make millions. I told her to get a publisher and an agent and go from there. She then asked if that were free. I laughed and said no. It’s minimum $600. But you also need the book, too. It’s been a year and not one page has been written. I don’t think this book is going to happen. Then she said that I would write it. HELL TO THE NO. I hate my aunt more than anyone in the world. She is nothing but a scumbag. I won’t have anything to do with the book or her family as long as I live. I have my reasons that I am not going to disclose.

I really wanted to die today, and it would have been the right day to do it. No one is home and won’t be until later this evening. I should have taken advantage of it earlier today but I didn’t. I got a text from my therapist yesterday saying that “ I matter”. To who? Lately that has been her response to everything every time I am suicidal. Like that is supposed to ease the ache. It doesn’t. Just pisses me off.

My sister called me and told me all that was wrong with my mother. Nice, like I didn’t know. If she won’t be her own advocate, she isn’t going to get better. She doesn’t do what the doctors have been telling her to, so sorry if I don’t feel bad for her. She certainly doesn’t feel bad for me. My mother told me she isn’t going to be home tonight. I am so glad I got the house to myself. I was hoping my LTD money would come today but nope, won’t be in till Monday. Fuckers. I can at least start the process of getting to know what is wrong with my screen and send it out next week. But I don’t know if they need the money up front or not so I haven’t made the call.

Today has been raw and cold. I haven’t been outside, only to go down to my aunt’s. I wish I could tell her what I really think of her. I really do. But out of respect for my mother, I just keep it to myself.

I didn’t write today, not that that was the plan or anything. I didn’t even shower or get dressed. I just stayed in my pjs. I did make myself pancakes for breakfast. That is all that I have done today. I am still full that I don’t want to make anything else. I got to find out when the next Jays game is. I got to know who will be playing the Mets in the World Series.

Wedding Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Wedding Saturday

I went to my neighbors wedding this afternoon. It was good though I really didn’t hear the ceremony too well. You really had to concentrate to listen. No mic was used as it was such a small gathering. The party that ensued went well. Music gave me a headache. It was really loud. Before they started to play the dance music, it was awful. It was music I never heard of before but I am sure had some meaning to the couple. I didn’t dance because by the time dinner was finished, my ankle decided it was going to hurt. The sock on my leg was cutting into me because of swelling and now, even though I have the sock off, I am still feeling the pressure. My leg swells if left down for more than a couple of hours. This is why it makes it hard watching baseball games from 1st to 9th innings.

I had a good time. It was a break in the routine but by the time five o’clock rolled around, I was ready to go home and call it a night. But the DJ kept playing songs and people kept dancing. It was that kind of party. Even after they played the last song of the night an hour later, the DJ kept playing music. It was funny.

If I wasn’t in so much pain, I would watch the OSU game. My Huskers won. I was worried as they were leading in the first half and usually have problems in the second. But they won the game 48-25.

I got the best news today. Jobes is now on Twitter. I don’t know if he is managing the account or one of his students, but his lab is on Twitter! I am so glad he finally joined. I sent him a welcome tweet.

I have been thinking about my therapist. It amazes me that she will sign up for other psych areas for her CEUs and such but won’t take a suicide seminar or even train for CAMS. CAMS is just four hours and I am sure they don’t have you do it in one session. But then the seminars during workshops are like eight hours. It’s intense but you get the gist of the material. Those are made for CEUs and training. I learned a lot from working with the workshops. But I can’t imagine it’s different than learning about stuff about PTSD or any other psych disorder. I just think it might help her out in treating me but she doesn’t want to go there with a ten inch pole. She was more receptive to the psychache scale than the SSF. I can bring the horse to water but I can’t make him drink. That is what I feel this therapy is all about, on both sides. We both take what we want from the other. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to start over. I just want her to be a therapist to me again rather than someone that talks all the time. I don’t think that is too much to ask.

I have no idea what the outcome of the Jays/Royals game was. Last I heard they were tied. I am only rooting for the Jays because the Royals out voted X for the All Star Game. For the National League, I am rooting for the Mets because fuck Maddon and Theo. If they weren’t in charge, I would be rooting for the Cubbies. They deserve a WS win. It’s been more than 100 years since they won a championship game. But I just can’t root for a team with Maddon. I hate the fucker. He cheats somehow and is very sneaky. I have no proof of this but my gut tells me this so I believe it.

Two Things I Hate about Twitter

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Two things I hate most about Twitter

I was following this guy on Twitter for a little while. He seemed interested in the suicide prevention arena. But then his tweets became abusive and very sarcastic to the point of being troll like, so I unfollowed him. Then this other troll, who is supposedly a psychologist, follows this guy. Now they are arguing what constitutes a suicide attempt, just for argumentative sake! The PhD troll was really against my article for the NYT, but I disliked him before I wrote the article. He just seems fishy to me. There is nothing worse that I can’t stand on Twitter is a troll attacking another troll.

I had a really good sleep today. For some reason, I didn’t get up till 1515. I felt like I could stay in bed all day but I really wanted to watch the last game of the season and basically cry as we said good-bye to Don Orsillo, the broadcaster for the TV. He got fired sometime after some new management for the Sox was hired. Don is now going to the Padres which means we won’t be seeing him at all as he is for the National League. I haven’t checked the sox game schedule to see if we are playing them in 2016 but it is unlikely. I am also saddened to hear that the person taking over Don’s position is the guy I like on the radio. I still haven’t found out who is taking over his position on WEEI, the radio that broadcasts the Sox games. I also don’t know the fate of Jerry Remy and what his role will be in 2016. I am sure I will find out as I follow Jerry on Twitter and he has always let his fans know the truth about what is going on with him. I admire Jerry for it.

As I was watching the game, I made coffee hoping to keep the drowsiness away for a couple of hours. It worked but now it’s wearing off. I also had a glass of wine with dinner so I am sure the combination knocked itself out. I haven’t taken my night meds yet because I took my morning meds kind of late. I have to space them out at least eight hours apart (I take the same meds in the evening).

Sometime last night, I had a problem with my laptop screen. It went all fuzzy and then went to “sleep” mode. It was still “on” but it was blank. I restarted the laptop and that seemed to fix it. The problem seems to be either on the wake up or on the boot up. The last time I had an update, I had this problem on the startup. The screen went fuzzy and wouldn’t go beyond the Dell boot up screen. It took several turn offs and ons to get it right. Just as a precaution, I copied my files on a thumb drive. But I just realized I didn’t take what is on the desktop or my pictures. I will have to make a back up of those, soon. I am too tired to do that tonight. I’m hoping it was just a glitch and won’t return. I had that problem with my other laptop but that was because it fell. This laptop to my knowledge hasn’t taken a hit and is mostly on my bed. I very rarely travel with it.

To my surprise, my mother turned the heat on today. It’s cold but I don’t think it’s that cold. Whatever. I am back to wearing t-shirts rather than long sleeves. Last night, I wanted to take a shower after the OSU game but we had no hot water. The pilot went out and I am grateful that is all it was. I will take shower tomorrow morning as I am too lazy to take one now. Ankle is still hurting me from nearly falling last night. While I was changing into my sweatpants, I lost balance in my foot and nearly fell over. I had to put all my weight on my ankle/foot to keep from falling. So it’s nice and sore today. Another reason I am glad I slept most of the day. But now it’s hurting me so I will need to take some pain meds soon. I like taking them with my night meds as then I know when I took them and when I need to take them again. I keep track of when I take my meds through an app. It’s useful for me. I wish it provided a list of times when I did take my meds but that is not a “free” function and I am not going to pay monthly for it. I just can’t justify it. I don’t need to know that bad.

2015 Last Sox Broadcast of Don Orsillo

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging

2015 Last Broadcast of Don Orsillo

I almost missed the last game of the season. My mother called me around 1515 and I woke up. I had a bad night sleeping but was grateful for the wake up call. Today is Don Orsillo’s last broadcast as a member of Red Sox Nation. It was a tearful game as NESN showed Don’s highlights throughout the game. I am always a sucker for watching baseball history. They get the tears going like nothing else.

Like games of the past, the Sox didn’t show much enthusiasm for winning when it’s a “special” game. They lost 3-1. The offense just wasn’t there. But then Porcello was pitching so I wasn’t expecting much. He is not a good pitcher. I was surprised to learn today he closed out with a 9-11 record. How he won 9 games is beyond me. I must not have watched those games.

NESN had problems with audio and video, supposedly, the beginning of the game so I think we might have missed some of Don’s highlights because of it. They are real jerks for firing a man that brought the fun to baseball. Maybe they want someone more serious and lacks humor. They will be bringing in another announcer as his replacement. But no one can replace Don. NO ONE. There were times when they would crack a joke and still be laughing throughout the game. The play by play wasn’t called during these laughing fits. It was great to have a belly laugh. Those will surely be missed.

Don was a good guy. I liked him very much. He was a little pathetic at times as there was one broadcast where he didn’t know where his high beam clicker was on his car and Jerry had to show him where it was. I found this hysterical but sad.

The 2016 season is going to suck, as far as the broadcasting goes. I will be boycotting NESN the entire season so will just be listening to the games on the radio or Twitter. I think I might unlike NESN on my Facebook feed so I don’t get anything from them. It’s pretty stupid anyway as they ask questions when they post something. Like our input to answer these questions is really going to impact a game. We don’t have that kind of power, idiots. If we did, we could have saved Orsillo’s job. We tried to petition and stuff but it wasn’t going to go anywhere. As my “husband’s” wife put it, the upper management just doesn’t get reached in decisions like this. It just really sucks.

Don will be going out to San Diego, doing the Padres broadcasts. Padres are a National League team so I don’t think we will see much of Don during the season. It’s rare to play the Padres. I haven’t looked at the schedule for the next season, but I know from past experience we don’t play them. I wish him luck in his new endeavor. He will be greatly missed in Boston.