Tag: baseball

cupcakes

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cupcakes

I finally was able to make the pumpkin cupcakes that I have been wanting. I must have the wrong directions or something because instead of yielding 12, I yielded 24. They were yummy but took longer than 20 minutes to cook. A friend thinks there maybe have been too much liquid and I think she may be right. When I looked up other recipes for these kind of cupcakes, it calls for ¾ cup of pumpkin puree. My recipe called for a whole can of it. That might be why. I don’t know. I wanted to share them at the BBQ but they were not easy to pull apart from the paper like normal cupcakes were. I now have 24 pumpkin cupcakes to eat. They will be my breakfast for a while.
Here is a pic of them:wpid-20150912_120127.jpg

I had a beer tonight, a Sam Adams Oktoberfest. It was good but filling. Then when I went to my room to escape the noise of the BBQ, I got back cramps. I had to take an Ativan. It was really painful and I couldn’t move without my back cramping. Then my foot decided it was going to hurt. I have been fighting sleep the last few hours because of the baseball and football games. The Nebraska game is still going on. They are winning so far in the 3rd quarter. OSU won as well tonight. David Ortiz hit his 500th homerun at the Trop or should I say, cowbell city. I hate the trop because the fans ring cowbells. It is so annoying. Any type of noise maker should be banned from MLB games.

To my surprise, my crazy aunt didn’t congratulate me on my New York Times post. I was expecting a sly remark from her and I am glad I didn’t get it. While my cousin was congratulating me, my father was around. I panicked. He asked what people were congratulating me for so I told him. It didn’t seem to register for him, just like I thought it wouldn’t. No matter, he didn’t make a big deal about it, and I was glad. My mother was telling people about it, which shocked me. She told my brother in law’s brother and we had a nice chat about it. He is a good guy and a good support.

I was able to shower before I made the cupcakes. I think I did too much as my foot is acting like a fink. I don’t know why my big toe is dancing but it is a painful dance. It seems to have settled down some since taking a pain med. I am going to take a couple more before bed, soon as the Nebraska game is over. The weird thing is that my ankle pain has returned and then my big toe is hurting too. I hate when I am in pain in different parts of my foot/ankle. I guess I should be grateful it is the same one and not both feet. That would really make me depressed. I think the change in temperature and the rain coming on is causing it. Tomorrow is supposed to rain, but we’ll see.

writing itch

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I am having another sleepless night. I am listening to music and it’s keeping me awake. I should shut it off but I really don’t want to hear the silence of the night. My head just can’t take silence right now.

I have been hypomanic on and off for almost a month now. I thought I was crashing as I had a severe depressive episode the other day. But now I am back to feeling good. But I am very sleepy and really want to sleep but my empty head just won’t like it. I took my meds about two hours ago. I should be sleeping but I have this urge to write so I am writing.

I keep thinking about two trolls that have entered my life in the last few weeks. One I thought I had vanquished until she resurfaced today when I checked my spam comments. Now I had to change the settings all because of this one jerk. Then I thought about the troll on the NYT that told my story without my authorization. This has still burned me more than the other troll. I can delete her stupid comments with one click. I cannot do that for the NYT ones. It is just upsetting me and I am trying hard not to let it bother me. I wish I could talk to my therapist about this. But I don’t talk to her again till Tuesday. I have been texting her with my upsets but it’s not the same as talking with her. The good news is there have been less comments on the NYT site and I am glad. The stress of dealing with the nitpicking of my therapist and her competency were outrageous. I’m just glad I never mentioned who she was or she might be further under the microscope. All of this hubbub has really taken the joy out of the accomplishment of publishing for the NYT. I still am in awe about it, at times. But now the fun of it has worn off because of the comments. Sure, there were more positive comments than negative ones, and I should focus on that. But the rest really had me thinking I did something wrong. But if I did, wouldn’t the NYT NOT publish it? I have received more compliments about it than negativity in the real world. I should focus on that, rather than 50 or so comments that were negative. I still believe there was ignorance in most of the negative comments because they didn’t know the truth behind the story. I didn’t go into grave detail about the relationship. I didn’t have to. It was a short piece that I wrote on the fly one night when I couldn’t sleep and I was feeling hatred towards my therapist and psychiatrist for keeping me here when I don’t want to be. I seriously thought, numerous times the other day, of ending my life because I had crashed so severely. This was before I read the comments. My thoughts were slower, things didn’t taste right, I had no appetite. I was moving slower, like I was in mud. All the signs were there that I was depressed. Then to read that a so called long time “friend” outed me to the public, that was too much. And for the troll that thinks I am in no danger of being a victim of a hate crime you are so wrong. If people find out I am a TG, there will be hate. Look at Caitlyn Jenner and all the slack that she got despite, also, the positivity. I have been called a “dyke” and a loser and other names I won’t repeat just for being gay. Throw in transgender and you have a new ball game. So don’t sit there and tell me she just didn’t put a bullseye on my head because she did.

Tomorrow, or should I say today, I plan on writing out a story of these hypomanic episodes for my book. I will add it to the story I wrote a few weeks ago. It will give me something to do. I also need a shower sometime today. I was going to take it tonight but my legs were hurting for some reason. I think it is because I stay in the same position for too long without moving. I have to remember to stretch but I don’t.

I thought of watching the movie Lincoln tonight. If I start it now, I will most likely fall asleep by the time Seward and his henchmen are meeting. I probably will watch it soon. It’s my favorite movie. My next venture is getting Sandlot and Bull Durham. I like to see Major Leagues too. I am not a movie person so I have not seen these classics.

College Football Starts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

College Football Starts

I am very excited today as college football starts. I will be watching the Nebraska and OSU game today. I am glad they are at different times. I am hoping they don’t overlap. The only thing that does suck is that the Sox game does overlap with the Nebraska game. I will be switching channels to check the scores. I have been waiting for this day to come since the Sox started to really suck and their bullpen came apart. Last night was a good example. The Sox had a 7-2 lead when the starting pitcher left. Then the bullpen came on and brought it within two runs. Luckily, the manager did some maneuvering and we were able to keep the lead and win the game 7-5. It was close because the closing pitcher likes to score inherited runners and they had a heavy hitter up at bat that was the tying run. It was nail biting.

I took a shower and my hip went out. It is still bothering me and I don’t want to take anything for it because I want to watch the games. I really don’t want to be drugged up. I already had a difficult night as I woke up at 0300 because my room was hot. By the time the room cooled down with the AC running, I had a hard time going back to sleep. I finally did around 0600. I am never turning the AC off before bed again.

I keep getting congratulations on my NYT piece, which is nice. What I am having a problem with is people telling me it is “deserved” and I “worked hard” for it. I didn’t set out for this to happen. I really didn’t think they were ever going to respond to my email. In fact, after the class I went to, I wasn’t going to try again. I felt the piece was too personal and that it should stay as a blog. It only took me a couple of hours to write. I didn’t slave over it. Hell, I really didn’t even edit it. The editor just made changes that were so the public could understand what I was talking about better, something I didn’t think of in my writing. I am so used to writing in a “doctor’s” language, I forget that sometimes people might not know what a pdoc is or the word “sectioned” means. This piece of writing came easily to me. I didn’t work too hard on it. Yet the New York Times will be printing it. It has some meaning and it feels great that my writing meant something to someone. But I am not sure it is deserved. It was just on a whim that I emailed them and hoped they would consider my piece. I was talking with a friend in Canada last night. She believes that I will be famous one day. I wish I had her confidence in me that it would happen. She thinks I am going to go places. Exactly where, I am not sure. Maybe it is just my low self-esteem that I feel this way, that I don’t deserve this. But it is happening and I am thrilled it is. For the first time in my life, I am going to be out there in the world, bigger than my book.

Yesterday, I was having a good day, a terrific day in fact. I was on a natural high and I didn’t think I was going to come down off it. Then I got a comment from a disgruntled reader that negatively criticized not only my blog, but my writing in general. I was deeply upset by this. Now I have my doubts about everything. I have tried not to let this person take up to much space in my head because obviously, she has issues. This person left me three comments that were ignorant and rude. They don’t have a place on my blog. So if you are reading this, you have been blocked from further commenting on my blog. I have no place for your negativity and ignorance. If you don’t like what I have to say, find another blog that suits your pathetic needs. No one is forcing you to stay. In other words, leave.

Manager of Time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had therapy again today. Not unusual as I have it every week. We talked a little bit about the class and my writing. I was hoping to get some insights into things but they never materialized. I sometimes feel like therapy is a waste of my time and that I should decide when to go, rather than have my therapist dictate the sessions. There was nothing in particular I wanted to talk about. We talked about how her phone has been messing up and losing connection. She is so overdue for an upgrade but is so old fashioned she won’t consider the possibility of changing phones. Granted changing phones is a hassle in the beginning but once you get used to it, it becomes second nature. Half way through out session, there was some static on the line. I don’t think it was my end so I didn’t say anything. I knew she would flip out. She is still clueless about my tones. I was sarcastic with her and that set her off. It was funny until I said I was being sarcastic, then she calmed down. I can really push her buttons when I want to. It’s payback for driving me nuts.

I’m listening to 1989 for the millionth and one time. I was going to listen to Luke Bryan’s new album but it is driving me nuts. There are some slow songs and then slower songs then really fast songs. You don’t know what you are going to get when it’s on shuffle. And my shuffle sucks. It could play the last three songs five times before it kicks out of gear to another song. And this is with a new phone. I know it’s the app, but I sort of like it because you can have access to it before the lock screen.

My day has been made when they announced that Hanley Ramirez will no longer be playing left field the rest of the season. He is an AWFUL outfielder. He has cost more runs scored than anyone. I can’t stand him. All the hype and he didn’t live up to it. Actually, no one lived up to the hype this season. That is why we are in last season, again. I think that if John didn’t get cancer, he would be out as manager. They have been playing better but I think they are out of the running for the wild card. The bullpen just can’t hold a candle to the wind when they get called up and the starters, even though they have pitched better, still can’t go more than 7 innings consistently.

I haven’t read “Order of the Phoenix” most of the week. Mostly because I was hypo and too hyper to read. Today I was too sleepy to think about reading. I think I am a little depressed and it’s interfering with my concentration. I was thinking of reading the suicide research articles that I printed out weeks ago, but I feel meh about it. I sort of lost my interest in reading them. I got my new SLTB journal and nothing interested me. There was one article that caught my attention but not enough to sit down and read it. I don’t know why I lost interest in suicide research articles. They are my “thing”. Maybe it is just a low level depression and that is why I can’t read my interests at the moment. I am just coming down from being super “high”. It’s going to be a while before I feel back to my normal, whatever that is.

Last night for the first time in months, I had side effects from my abilify. My arms felt like spaghetti. I couldn’t stand it so went to bed after writing my blog. There was no point trying to stay up any later as I was wicked tired anyways. The pain in my ankle was horrendous and I really didn’t want to fight through it. Not like I slept for a good length of time. I was thinking of waking up around 0800. Instead, I woke up around 0430 to tinkle. I have been going all day for some reason and I haven’t been drinking that much fluid. Weird. I don’t think I drank more than four ounces the whole day. Maybe I should drink some water.

I think my therapist needs to start acting like my therapist than my friend. If she did some psychodymanics more, maybe I wouldn’t be so frustrated sometimes after session. Like session was a waste. I miss the days where I would plan my sessions in what I was going to say and sort of come up with a treatment plan. She would be okay with it. But lately, I am not feeling it. We talk about stuff that isn’t important. Like my friends on Twitter. Sure they are important to me, but I don’t think they are relevant to therapy. Then we have the writing bit. I just have been writing this blog for the past two hours and it still isn’t finished. But that is all I write lately. I haven’t written anything for my book in months. It is so frustrating. I wish she wouldn’t bring it up because I feel so guilty about it. I have a shit load of time on my hands and I don’t use it well. I have never been a good manager of time. And I know that if I even planned a schedule, I wouldn’t stick with it. Today I needed downtime because I didn’t want to overtax my ankle. I was really hurting last night and even though I was feeling okay this morning, I still didn’t want to cause pain. It’s worked because I haven’t taken any pain meds today, least not yet.