Tag: bipolar disorder

fridge fiasco averted

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fridge fiasco averted

My mother ordered another fridge and again the movers found excuses not to bring it up. My mother cried so they brought it up the back way. We finally have a new fridge and it is working.

I haven’t had much appetite today. I forced myself to eat ¾ of a Stouffer’s French bread pizza. I couldn’t finish it. My mother had a hypoglycemic reaction so I had to lug all of the freezer and fridge stuff into the new fridge. I am exhausted. I was already exhausted from the depression and having crapped my pants when I woke up this afternoon. I had to delay therapy so I could get cleaned up. I was so embarrassed and humiliated. I haven’t had a crap episode in a really long time. Just last week I was priding myself on making it to the bathroom on time with loose stool. Didn’t happen today with hard stool. I hate CES.

Therapist wanted to just talk about anger today. I was too depressed to talk about it. At one point I just let her talk and let her know it. I wasn’t listening to the bullshit. It’s the “I’m depressed because the anger I have for others is turned on me”. That is what I heard anyways. I was like is this my therapist?? There was more but I don’t remember it and I didn’t write it down after session because I was too fucking tired. She offered to call my psychiatrist to see up an appointment. I told her I am too frustrated to continue with the emails and such. She told me to put that in the email. I told her I couldn’t do it. I don’t want to piss her off. Besides, I have my blog to vent to about the aggravation. And occasionally, I will send it to my psychiatrist.

I’m supposed to babysit for an hour or so. I just want to go back to bed and lie down. Today is just a crap of a day. My mother had the audacity to tell me I haven’t done anything today so I can work. That really pissed me off and I said something to her. She didn’t respond. Probably because she didn’t hear me but still I said it.

I talked with my father. He has a 0900 appointment that he thinks is at 10. So what ever. He still isn’t talking to me. I could care less. I will then go over his house and fix his pills for the week. Might as well kill two birds with one stone.

I still feel kind of dizzy today, but that could be because I haven’t eaten much. I also haven’t had too many fluids. I just am in an I don’t care mood today. Even though I had pizza my stomach is hurting. But I have no desire for food. I need to take a shower today but don’t feel like it. I probably will before bed, if I have the energy. All the moving of the food back and forth to the fridge aggravated my foot so will have to see how it is later.

Depression and its lies

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Last night I couldn’t sleep. Someone had mentioned how “useful” a screening questionnaire was for suicide assessment and all I could think was, seriously?? Where were you when Jobes mentioned it 20 years ago? It got me steamed. Then I thought of another more direct questionnaire that dealt with suicide and wonder why that wasn’t being utilized. My brain was going and going. I had to write down my notes on the subject because it was 0200 and if I started writing and reading, I had no hope of catching any sleep.

I had therapy. I cried at certain points. Emotions were hitting me like a wet rag. I tried to contain myself but couldn’t. We were talking about feeling like a burden, that she should leave me, and that she was better off without me. I really need to read the Interpersonal Theory a little better. Maybe when I start feeling these things, I can climb my way out of it. Depression lies. I still don’t have a full appetite but I am eating. The physical symptoms of depression are still present. And no amount of therapy can help with that.

I was feeling dizzy after therapy but I had to do an errand for my mother. I did it and my back went out. I had to sit for a long time before I could get up and walk again. I really had no interest in leaving the house but I really wanted a soy latte. I got dressed and waited at the bus stop. While at the bus stop, I was still feeling like crap and must of have thought a million times to go back home. The bus came and I got on it. I got my latte and then I wanted to leave. I forced myself to write for at least a half hour in my journal before catching the next bus home. I don’t remember what I wrote about. I emailed my psychiatrist again. I really didn’t want to. But my therapist was telling me that she wanted to see me because it’s been so long since we have talked. She is a good support for me so I should see her. The depression is telling me otherwise. It’s so hard fighting it. I haven’t heard back from her yet. I have a feeling I am not going to. I don’t know why I keep trying. I just feel like it’s hopeless.

I wrote down my thoughts of my therapy session after we ended. I wrote longer than I intended to but that is ok. No one is going to see it except me. I feel bad that this month I am not going to see my therapist. I will try and make up for it next month. I am ahead in my cell phone bill so I plan on saving that money. I need to start saving money if I can. I hate not having a dime to my name some months.

I haven’t emailed my psychiatrist about going back to sertraline. I feel that warrants an in person conversation. But if I can’t get an appointment with her, I don’t know what I am going to do. It’s not like I am not trying or am avoiding her. It’s just exhausting waiting for a response. I know she is busy. For all I know, she might not be in the clinic full time.

The temps are really messing with my lower back. Sciatica flared up earlier today and now my lower back is aching. I think the weight loss has something to do with it as well, but I could be wrong. I just know I am not eating anything else today. I am just not hungry. The latte killed whatever appetite that I had. All I had today was a handful of pretzel nuggets and a pop tart with some apple juice. This is the longest my appetite has been affected, going on a month and half now. I have lost 12 lbs. so far. I am being careful not to gain the weight back on, but with no appetite, it’s been easy to do. My therapist thinks my stomach has shrunk and that is why I am eating something small and getting full. Whatever works! If I can lose another eight pounds, I will be happy, weight wise, anyway. My jeans can fit me better.

Rearview Mirror and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

Rearview Mirror and other thoughts

I have been trying to write all evening. I wanted to write the “ending” to the trauma of this week that happened 25 years ago but there is no ending. I live with it every day. I am haunted by the memories, though they aren’t intrusive as they once were. The song rearview mirror by Pearl Jam really sings to me. It’s about abuse and how you survived it.

I have a narcissistic parent, there is no doubt about it. He might not be diagnosed by anyone but he fits all the characteristics of the disorder. “supposed to endure, what I could not forgive” that was a common theme in my house. “it wasn’t my surface most defiled”. My father, though violent at times, didn’t hit us after the third grade when someone told the teachers he had been doing so. But that didn’t stop the verbal abuse. Still to this day, he abuses my sisters and I. He thinks he is the king and should be respected above all else. “I guess the beatings made me wise”.

I never call him a dad to other people. He is my father or sperm donor when I refer to him. I call him dad when talking to him but it doesn’t mean anything. See, when I was learning Italian, the word for father was “papa”. I guess I used the word a little too much because I got a few backhands to stop me from using it. So it was dad from now on though I loathe the word.

I wish I could put him in my rearview mirror. Just forget he ever existed. But I have to deal with him to get him to his medical appointments and such. There is no emancipation from him until he is six feet under. And the bastard wants to live until eternity.

Meanwhile, my patience for the guy has hit rock bottom. I don’t care about his demands. I just want to die. The depression has peaked and I can’t tolerate myself anymore. My psych got back to me but we are unable to meet at an agreeable time because of the bastard. I am sure we will find another time.

Random 333

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Despite it being a good day out, I stayed inside. My mother wasn’t feeling well so I stayed in to make sure she didn’t fall because she was feeling dizzy. She is doing better now.

I didn’t sleep most of the night last night. After chat, I had a renewed energy that left me up till after 0300. I finally took some Ativan and it knocked me out. I had wanted to learn a new technology called Prezi but it was too complicated for my tired brain. So I wrote another blog about my traumatic teen years as this is anniversary week.

The only thing that I have done today was read an article on the repercussions of suicide and how it affects people. It wasn’t an interesting article that I thought it would be. There wasn’t technical language but it just left you wondering what the fall out was. The author kept on using the hashtag #not6 which is all well and good but this paper really didn’t point it out. Maybe I was just tried and was trying to read something that is there but isn’t.

I need to take a shower some time today. My ankle is feeling better than it was yesterday and I am hoping it will wake me up some. I feel so lifeless. I am still really tired. This is the third or fourth day straight that I have not left my house for anything or if I did, I came right back to bed to sleep. I had a cup of tea today hoping it would ward off the tireds but it didn’t. Even if my mother felt ok today, I doubt I would have gone out. I just had no plans to take a shower and get dressed, wait for the bus, get my coffee, etc. Though a nice soy vanilla latte sounds really good right about now. Wish Starbucks delivered sometimes but then, I don’t think I would ever leave the house.

I’ll have to go out tomorrow to pick up my prescription from Walgreens. Maybe I will go to the Square and write. I will do it after my therapy appointment, if I feel up to it. Last night, I got the hungry horrors. I am glad I still had a protein bar from a previous shopping order. I have been wanting to have a bowl of cereal but we are almost out of milk. When my mother buys a new gallon, I will have my cereal.

I can’t believe how tired I am and I haven’t done anything all day. I ate some left over Chinese for lunch and had a bran muffin for breakfast. Dinner will be a lazy man’s lasagna. I don’t like it so I probably will just have the meatballs and sausages in the sauce.

There is still no word on when the new fridge will be arriving. I hope they can take the old fridge out and put in the new one. It will be very sad if we don’t get this new fridge. I had ice cream in my freezer and it was more like soup. It was at one point soft serve but downgraded to soup. Course, I have no idea what we are going to do with the freezer stuff. The weather is going to be warm the next few days so putting them outside on the porch isn’t ideal. I sure as hell am not going to be taking shit to the basement and back up to the second floor. That is a NO.