Tag: bipolar disorder

feeling like shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling like shit

I have been yucky all day. I had wanted to run an errand for my mother but it never happened. I will try again tomorrow. I came home from my father’s. He didn’t want to go to the ER because he thinks he will stay there all weekend. So we left. As I was walking down my hallway to the stairs to my bedroom, I got another attack of dizzy spells. I barely made it up the stairs. Now I am getting a migraine. I am seeing the doc next week and I hope that this can be resolved. I ate while I was at my father’s so this isn’t a blood sugar issue, unless my sugar is too high, which is doubtful.

I didn’t get up till 1500 today. I think this is the first time that I slept so late. It was a broken sleep as I was awakened by phone calls. My mother called me twice to see where I was. My sister called to let me know about my father. Then my other sister called for something else. And of course, my father called wanted to know what to do about his condition. He still thinks he is having surgery on Monday.

Physically, I feel so drained. Migraine isn’t helping. I only took two doses of pills today (at different times) and I feel like I took more. I don’t know why I feel so out of it. I also feel weak. The dizziness isn’t helping either. I am glad I didn’t go to the ER. I might have had a bed next to my father. Man that would have pissed him off. The attention would be on me instead of him and he would have had his underwear in a twist.

Mentally, I feel like I should be dead. I have a heaviness on my chest that is making it hard to breathe. I just don’t feel like living anymore. Everything is so dark and gray. I just want to sleep. I have no interest in anything except keeping this blog going. It’s been so hard to write lately. My sister brought up the gun incident today and I nearly had a heart attack. Apparently, my aunt thinks my father would have shot my mother had my cousin not been there. Where she got this information, I have no fucking idea. Now I am having flashbacks/intrusive memories of that night. This has been a hard week for remembering this shit. Some years are better than others. I don’t know why it’s affecting me more this year than any other year. I just know I rather die than relive those awful memories.

Back goes out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

Somehow I woke up on my back and it hurt so bad. I could stand up or do anything. I was down for the count. I have been sleeping all day from my pain meds. I was supposed to do an errand for my mother but that got curtailed because my father needed me.

I am still feeling depressed. I ate today. My mother made some escarole soup. I didn’t finish it but it was good. I’m still feeling out of it because of the meds. I just hope I don’t have to go to the ER with my father.

I have an ugly soul

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

“you have an ugly soul”. This was said to me after I told a former friend of mine that she needed professional help for her depression and suicidal tendencies. I am no longer friends with such a vindictive person like I knew she would turn out to be. There are always two sides of the story. I won’t tell her side because it’s not my right to. But let me tell you how I got to be such an “ugly soul”. I cared about this person and this person cared back. I think she was falling in love with me and to prevent a messy relationship, I ended it. She wanted help, my help, but refused to get professional help. I don’t have time for people like that. It’s too taxing to be in that kind of relationship. Now she is calling me narcissistic and a bunch of other names I won’t get into but because she is a religious person, she “wants the best for me”. Go hide under your religion. You aren’t fooling me.

I then spent the rest of my morning with a real narcissistic piece of work, my father. The appointment went exactly the way I thought it would go and two weeks later we need to return for follow up. After the appointment, I went to his house to do his meds and had lunch with him. The only way this guy eats is if you eat with him. So I had some Tuna with a lot of oil and some onions on bread. I liked the tuna, could do less with the oil.

My mother called on the way back to his house. She wanted me to run an errand for her while I was out. My ankle said hell no so I just came home. It’s a good thing I did because shortly after I got undressed, my bowels decided to explode again. I made it to the toilet so no accident but man it was close. I shouldn’t have taken senna last night but I forgot.

I barely got a few hours of sleep last night. Some troll sent me an offensive paper about suicide risk assessments are not needed and it angered me so much I couldn’t sleep. The reason I call him a troll is that after he sent his tweet, he never responded to ANY damn message afterwards. Bastard. So much for an intellectual conversation at 0200.

So my “ugly soul” did a lot today. I am hurting really bad with my ankle. It wants a divorce. Mentally, I am divorcing my psychiatrist. I am not going to email her today, at all. I wrote her out a letter last night and thought about sending it to her but thought she might get upset by it. I did text my therapist to call my psychiatrist and let her know I am in dire straights. The only thing I had to eat today was the tuna fish sandwich my father made and I don’t think I will be having anything else. I am so damn full it’s not funny. Plus the oil is making feel ill.

Pink pill side effects

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, depression, medical

So I was minding my own business tonight while babysitting. My niece was doing her thing. I was doing mine. When my left arm started to feel like spaghetti. It was close to 1900, way too early to take my meds. But I had to do something about the spaghetti feeling and the subsequent spasms that followed. I went up to my room for a  ativan as that is the only drug that will work to counter the effects of the pink pill.

I haven’t had these symptoms in a long time. I wonder if it’s because I’m not eating full meals at night. I emailed my psychiatrist. I hope I hear back from her because typing is a strain.

I also emailed my friend about the depression.  I am tempted to ask my psych about the sertraline. I still think I should do it in person though.

My sister gave me some left over steak tips when she came back from her outing. Surprisingly, I hate them. There were 3 pieces. Not the best in the world but good enough. I also had some gooey bread. So that was my dinner. I still feel dizzy. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Everything was normal last week except my potassium level. Maybe it is low again. I don’t know. I just feel shitty.

I hope my psychiatrist writes back but I’m not holding my breath.