Tag: bipolar disorder

Afraid to Write

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Afraid to Write

I was talking with a friend of mine tonight. Somehow we got to talking about this month being an anniversary month. She wanted to know more and it brought up some painful feelings. I told her briefly what went on and that was it, my PTSD symptoms were activated. She wanted me to write or to talk about what happened. I told her I did. But now I am afraid to write because of my fears.

My sister brought up the night about my father and my cousin a couple of days ago. It hasn’t left my mind. They were there when my father flipped out and took out his gun. Though I don’t know where they were in the house. I was in the living room trying to watch TV and failing. I don’t even remember the show that was on. I was too into what was going on around me and frighten about what would happen. Never in a million years would I think my father would become so violent as to pull a gun on someone. Never. Sure he made threats to kill someone every now and then but I never thought he would go through with it. He was an angry man and still is.

I texted my therapist that I keep having flashbacks/intrusive memories. I know she is going to want to talk about what happened. I don’t know if I ever told the story in detail and I have had so many therapists that I thought I would be over this shit by now. Why is it affected more this year than any other year? Last year it didn’t bother me, not like this. I am afraid to write about it for fear of being pulled back and not being able to get out of 1991. I was 15 then and that was a long time ago.

Pain is keeping me from sleeping. Every time I lie down, my pain increases. If I sit up, it decreases. I wish I could sleep sitting up but I can’t. My back starts to ache and I need to lie down to relieve the pressure of sitting. I just need to wait till the pain meds start to kick in and make me drowsy enough so I can sleep. I am already tired so it shouldn’t be long. But then I never know when the meds will take effect. But if I my anxiety is up, forget it, like it is now. I have no chance of falling asleep.

I haven’t written in my journal for over a week now. I don’t know why that is. I keep staring at it and it stares back. I am afraid to write because I am not sure what feelings are going to get stirred up. If I describe my flashbacks, it will be too scary and I know I will not sleep. Best to avoid that kind of shit this late at night anyways. But my night time writing has always been my solace. It helps me to sleep. I just can’t trust it tonight, not when I have to be functional tomorrow to deal with angry father. Oh and if you are reading this, he is NOT my dad. Never was and never will be. He is my father and that is how he is to be named. Though lately, I prefer to call him fuckface, but that is my calling him that. No one else can.

Jack, my angry alter, came out the other night. I don’t know what triggered him but boy was he angry. I didn’t think he was ever going to settle down. He usually is mad at my therapist but I have had contact with her since Thursday. He thinks she is tired of me. He doesn’t trust her. I don’t blame him. He has been let down by so many therapists. He wanted to talk and they just shut him down.

For good measure, I took some Ativan. That ought to hold off the intrusive stuff. I really don’t want to talk about it with my therapist. It’s too scary.

Sunday Blog 10

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Last night I was a little bit anxious to sleep. I had a lot of thoughts running through my head. I didn’t know what to do first. The more I thought about things, the more energy I got. It was at least 0300 before I settled down for bed. I signed up for Netflix but didn’t have the patience to wait for the show to download. I think I am going to try again tonight and if the same thing happens, I am just going to cancel my membership before I get charged.

My mother called “looking” for me. I told her I was in my room and then she asked how my leg was. I told her it still hurt. Then she asked if the pills work. I didn’t tell her I didn’t take any. I just wanted her off the damn phone. She then tells me to tell the doc the pills aren’t working. Yea, okay. I asked her what she wanted and she said well, if you don’t want my advice…WTF Did I ask for it?? Seriously can’t stand her.

I watched half an inning of the Sox game. They were already losing 13-5 in the 8th inning. Pitiful. I heard from the group that I belong to that the starting pitcher didn’t care. No shit. He never does. I can’t stand him and we have him for another two years.

Last night in my anxiety ridden condition, I started taking notes on one of the books that I am reading so I can write a review. Frankly, the book is a piece of shit and is very misleading. This is without me even reading a single chapter. But I am going to read it to prove it’s a piece of shit.

Tomorrow I have the appointment with my father. All week I have appointments. Wednesday is the jackpot. I have three appointments that day. I am going to be so tuckered out it’s not funny. I will have a break in between appointments so I will go to Starbucks to keep myself fueled. I hope it’s a nice a day out and not snowy. I haven’t seen the weekly report yet. It was warm today but tomorrow is supposed to snow. Figures. My father is not going to like that. I got to call him and tell him where to meet him.

I really just want to go back to sleep. My mother is making a pot pie. I do but don’t want to eat. I had a bowl of cereal this morning and it’s all I had all day. Seems my appetite has gone back to one day I have it, the next I don’t. I’m still feeling depressed. And the guilts have crept in. I don’t know why I feel so guilty and I don’t know what for but I do. I also feel worthless, but that goes without saying. I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know these things. Mostly I do so I don’t forget to tell her.

One Goal Accomplished

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

One goal accomplished

I finally was able to take a shower at the expense of taking out my back. The temp jumped to 58 degrees and I felt it. Now I am not doing anything. I am going to have to cancel my babysitting duties tonight because I just can’t sit without pain. I feel better, a little bit, emotionally after the shower. I felt like I accomplished something on this dreary day.

I keep thinking about my ex-friend and how she said I had some nerve calling her sick. I said no such thing. I said she needed help and she should get it before she harmed herself. She then proceeded to tell me how bad a person I was. I actually tried to get support from my support group because it got me so upset and one person said I shouldn’t have said that. WTF. I deleted the post. It was getting me no where. So much for a support group. But then, this group is very judgmental. I think I need to find another support group.

I still feel like there is a heaviness on my chest. I am glad I am seeing my psychiatrist next week. She finally got back to me with an appointment. I am going to ask her for some sertraline. I know my mood isn’t so black physically but the mental side, I am fearful of another suicidal depression. My appetite today has been better than it has been all week. The heaviness is what worries me. It always keeps me weighed down and struggling for air. It’s also making feel like bawling.

All I want to eat for supper is a bowl of cereal and we are out of milk. I’d walk to the store and get some but my back will kill me. I should have gone earlier but I was too weighed down with the black dog. Maybe tomorrow I will have my cereal. It’s been almost three weeks that I have been craving it but because my appetite has been so poor, I just couldn’t eat it. Maybe I can borrow some from my sister.

I have been wearing my progressive glasses for most of the week. I have noticed that I am seeing better with them on than wearing the single vision. For the first time ever, I was able to read with them on. It could be that I was reading a tablet and not a book, but I still read. I filled out the doctor’s form for my loans. A doc was supposed to fill it out but because the doc doesn’t know me, I figure I help her out some. I will bring a blank on with me just in case when I see her, if I can’t get what I need from SSD.

I hate it when my thoughts are slow. It’s taken me over two hours to write this blog. I just feel so out of it. I just plan on laying low the rest of the evening and maybe finish a book tonight. That is, if my thoughts cooperate with me. I haven’t felt this way since I was doped up on trilafon in the hospital. It’s awful when your thoughts are moving at a turtle pace.

Black Dog II

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Black Dog II

I am surrounded by black clouds again despite it being a sunny day out today. I just want to sleep. For the first time in months, I woke up hungry. I thought the worst part of the depression was over but it isn’t. I feel sick to my stomach after I ate. Now all I want to do is go back under the covers and sleep. I think I will. I have nothing to do today.

My heart is heavy. I feel like I can’t go on. Sadly, this familiar feelings are welcome. The physical symptoms of depression has passed but the mental ones have just begun. I will be in agony soon. I want to avoid it. But I know I can’t. I want a coffee but it’s too much trouble to shower, get dressed and go. The bus runs every hour or so because today is Saturday.

I took my morning meds. That’s the only energy I have for today. I really need a shower. But I am much to tired to do what I need to to get it done. Maybe the afternoon would be better. I need sleep now. I am so tired. So very, very tired.

My thoughts are slow today. Everything is in slow motion. I can’t seem to get going even if a fire was lit under me. It’s colder today than it has been all week. I feel like ice is running through my veins. I am so cold.

Last night I had some energy for the paper that has been swirling around my head. I look at the papers in my “office” and I am overwhelmed. Whatever I was thinking about this paper is long gone. I no longer have the thoughts to put down. And I didn’t take any notes to help me remember what I was thinking of writing.

My back is still in the ruts. Must be the change in temperature. My back can’t handle going from 70 degrees to 30. It’s too much. It’s warming up now. It’s 46 degrees at this current time. Supposed to get up to 60. I won’t be out to enjoy it. I will be staying under the covers hiding from the black dog until it leaves me. I wonder if the black clouds and the black dog are the same thing? Either way I feel so empty inside it hurts. I feel like I have no internal organs at all. It’s just a vast space inside.

Looks like today is going to be another day for sleeping. I can’t do anything. I don’t want to do anything or anything that involves getting dressed. I just want to sleep and not wake up.