Tag: blog

Where were you

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Where were you

I cannot listen to this song, especially on this day, without crying. It is a sad reminder of all the people lost on this day.

I remember going to see my therapist on this day. As I made my way through from my home to her office, it was an eerie quiet. The radios were not playing music, but were talking. I thought that was odd. I had no clue what was going on as I don’t ever watch the news or listen to news radio. When someone told me there was an attack at the World Trade Center, in my ignorance, I thought it was the one in Boston. I didn’t learn about the trade center in New York until I got to work.

I remember the T being free. They just let you in. You didn’t have to pay. As I worked, or rather had lack of work as most of the outpatients were sent home. There was nothing to do except listen to the radio and wait for potential patients to come from NY. I worked in a hospital then, in a clinical lab. We didn’t talk much or if we did, it was very solemn. A friend had just visited the towers a week before. I had already given blood the week before so I couldn’t donate again. It was the last time I donated. I have not donated blood since then for various reasons.

The song by Alan Jackson means a lot. It has a lot of emotion in it, least for me. I think of all that was lost that day. Of the people that came together in times of this crisis to help, either through donations or with filling buckets to clear the debris. We were all one that day and the weeks to come. I don’t know why were are split now. The liberals will blame the conservatives, and vice versa. The repubs will blame the dems, and vice versa. There is no unity anymore and that need to change, and change soon. I am not a political person but I catch a glimpse of it now and then. I would truly be in a suicidal state every day if I had to listen to the bickering every day. These are our elected officials. Why can’t they get along for the common good and not their interests? But I guess the common good has gone by the way side and it’s to each their own. We were once solidified as one. Now we are a house divided. How sad is that?

World Suicide Prevention Day 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

World Suicide Prevention Day 2015

As many of you that read my blog every day know that I struggle with suicidality constantly when I am in the darkness of my depression. I know writing has been a source of comfort and coping in dealing with these strong feelings. I have not shared suicide numbers before because I don’t think they belong on my blog. But for those that are reading this, it may help someone to talk to or text to in a crisis situation. So please, take down these numbers. Put them in a place that is safe to you, a journal, a notebook, your contact list on your phone, anywhere you might think might be helpful in an emergency and call the number.

The first number is for US only residents 1-800-273-8255. Text support to 741741 again US residents only. It MAY take some time to get to through. I know when I texted the first time, there was a 40 minute wait. I know that might seem like an eternity to someone in crisis but please hang in there and someone will get to you. If the numbers don’t work (I am human after all), please leave a comment and I will fix it. It maybe be that it no longer is in service anymore (text number). There are other resources, if you are interested. Just do a google search to find them. Wikipedia might have some too. If I find some on Twitter, I will retweet them to my page. So far they haven’t sent any numbers or website to actually help those in need just to know the warning signs, which to me, is not too helpful for those with chronic suicidality.

Hurt Beyond Words

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Hurt beyond words

I have been having a sucky day. I didn’t get enough sleep again last night, as I woke up again around 0400. That seems to be my wake up hour. I was so groggy, I don’t remember if it was because I had to pee or not. I went back to sleep in an hour or two. I had an early appointment with my therapist that I didn’t want to sleep through so I didn’t take any meds to make me sleepy. Didn’t work though. I only slept another two hours. I called uncle and stayed up. I made some breakfast but my stomach was not in the mood for coffee so I didn’t make it.

After therapy, I made my trek to my father’s. It was cooler out than it had been in previous days. I just hoped it didn’t rain. I checked my comments and that was the last thing I did for the rest of the day. The comments were more personal this time, too personal for my comfort level. But there is nothing I can do about it. And that is what hurts. That someone that was once close to me was so jealous that she had to put my information out on the web. It would be one thing if I placed it there, but I didn’t. I am very hurt. I emailed my psych who wanted me in the hospital as I am crashing. I don’t think the hospital can do much for me. It can’t take away what has been done. I think I know who this person is so I unfriended her on FB. She may not think I remember her writing a long comment on my FB page when I came out as being TG but I do. I can’t stop her from reading my blog, but at least I can stop her from reading my FB posts.

I still think it’s wild that someone so jealous was out there and I had no clue. I am hurt beyond words. I am just glad that my mother doesn’t have access or know how to use a computer. The thing that bothers me is that she waited for the comments to slow down to write her say and she did it in two stints. That took a lot of planning. This wasn’t writing on the fly. It was personal. A personal vendetta. And because her comments are the first ones to be seen, no one has to read those that followed. She timed it perfectly. What she doesn’t know is that it hurt me. And I don’t understand why she wrote what she did. I never will because I never will find out her true identity. At the end of her comment, she thinks I will “cop out”. If I ever do, it will be on her head, not mine. I will personally see to it that the identity of this “IamBoston” is known and caused my death to happen, now that there is such transgender hate out there, who is to say that I will be safe from it. No where in my article was there mention of my orientation or gender until she blatantly put it out there. So if my death should come as a hate crime, I hope you are satisfied.

Exhausting Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Exhausting day

I think all the excitement has worn off and left me feeling exhausted. I am still sleeping in four hour increments and I think I am crashing. I don’t feel as “good” or content anymore like I did while I was hypo. I just want to crawl under the covers and sleep. But I did go out today to get my coffee. It went well though I didn’t get as much writing done as I was hoping. The place was crowded and it made it hard to think. Course, I was still fighting the cobwebs in my brain before the coffee got rid of them. And they didn’t. I drank the coffee and then felt like I was going to pass out. I packed up my things and left to catch the next bus home. My mother wanted a coupe dozen of eggs at Walgreens so I bought those for her before I went home.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to blog this afternoon, but I am getting the writing itch and I can’t ignore it. I got some more weird comments on my article. I just laughed. My psychiatrist was right, they say more about the person writing them than my writing. My blog stats are still mad crazy, though not as abundant as yesterday. I had 1,154 views yesterday, a career high. I am glad people read my blog to know more about me and my struggles. The highest read was my page on my book and a few of the CES pages.

I had therapy today and we talked a lot about the comments. I told her someone had said that they thought my treaters were my “imaginary friends”. We also talked about the possibility of my crashing as I feel like I am out of gas. Things are MUCH slower the past day and a half than they were before. I feel depressed. I am not sleeping or eating much. I am tired all the time. Thinking I am slow, it isn’t as fast as it was. In fact, I have a hard time keeping up with fast songs so I know the crash is beginning. I was hoping just to have a normal mood for a while but it doesn’t look like that is going to happen. I am trying to remain hopeful, that things are still good, but it’s getting harder. Pain has come and I couldn’t walk down the block to get Powerball numbers for tonight’s game. A friend in PA bought me two tickets. If we win, we will split it. That was so nice of her.

I hope tomorrow is cooler. I have to see my father to do my weekly errand with him. I will be seeing him later because I have an early appointment with my therapist. I am glad we have a time to talk before the weekend, as I am not sure how bad my mood is going to change over the next day or so. I hate feeling like this but it is my normal. I rather feel like this than be racy like I was. I hope the hypos stay away. I have been listening to ALL my songs and every time I hear a Bon Jovi song I have to sing along with it. It is my favorite group of all time, next to Pearl Jam. Speaking of Pearl Jam, they are set to come out with a new album soon. I cannot wait. Their last album was very good and I haven’t heard them in years. I love Eddie Vedder, their lead singer. There is just something about his voice that gets me and the music that I can relate to.

I don’t know if I will be listening to the ball game tonight. I am so tired I don’t think I am going to make it the whole game. I might listen to the first couple of innings to see how Kelly pitches. He will probably start trending whether he pitches good or bad. ALL his starts he has trended because he made a prediction way back when that he will win the Cy Young award this year. That turned out to be such a laugher, and still is. He is an overconfident bastard. Just wish his pitching matched his arrogance.