Tag: blog

worries 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I think if I am not “better” by next week, it will be time to think about the hospital even if I don’t want to go. Things are getting too weird, even for me. My pdoc is worried as she wanted to set up an appointment for tomorrow but I will be babysitting the next few days so can’t see her. I told her about my weird psychosis that is happening, but didn’t give much detail because I was afraid should would tell me I need to be in the hospital. I don’t think the hospital will do anything for me except drug me up so that I am not so hyper.

I woke up this morning with a cramp in my foot so took an Ativan. My throat is a little scratchy, too. I hope it’s not anything to worry about. I hate sore throats. If I get sick, I don’t care, I won’t go to the hospital. There is nothing worse than being on a fucking psych unit and being ill, physically. You can’t have cough drops whenever you want them because they have to be ordered by a doctor. It sucks. Been there a few times and I hated it. I wanted nothing more than to be in my own bed, where I could take Nyquil whenever I wanted to.

I had a good sleep finally. If I dreamed, I don’t remember them. It’s another muggy day. I wish I didn’t have to go out but I have to see my PCP. I am not looking forward to it. I just wish he would say nothing about my weight. And maybe he will. I don’t know. It always makes me nervous. Maybe I will bring some Ativan and slip him one. LOL just kidding. It’s going to be a longer appointment because it’s my stupid physical. I hate physicals. I think they are just a waste of time.

Checked my bank account and looks like the payment went through that I was hoping for. I am so relieved. I just placed my grocery and allergy meds order. Now I don’t have to worry about food for a month. I did shave off some of the stuff so it’s not quite as expensive and just got what I really need. I still ordered my steak. I will have it delivered tomorrow morning. I hope it does get delivered before my therapy appointment. I will be watching the munchkin but she is 10 years old and can be left alone for a little while so I can put my groceries away, and have pie.

I might add on ground beef so I can make manwich. But sometimes they don’t have the buns, which is weird because I order the stop and shop kind, not the name brand. Hopefully that was a one time thing. I haven’t made manwich in months. I am the only one that likes it so will eat it for a week. I am a true carnivore.

I really hope my mood settles down this week. I don’t think I can take another week of feeling on top of the world. It’s nice but I am waiting for the shoe to drop as I know it’s not going to last. It will suck if I get a deep depression after feeling good for two weeks. Just hope the psychosis bit stays away.

And the hypos continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

And the Hypos Continue

Today has been an up and down day. I didn’t get the payment I was expecting. I think I have been cut off, which I hope to mean I can look for PT work. But it’s still early to know for sure. So I won’t be paying for my groceries like I thought I would. This sucks. I also need to finagle how I am going to get my allergy pills. I guess one of my bills will have to be paid in half and the rest next month. Oh well. I am still racy and I am so scared that I might overspend my SSD check. After everything is paid, I will have around $120 to spend but $30 goes to my T-Pass so I can get around. So I really have $90 for the month. I haven’t decided how much I will be putting on my Starbucks card. I need to have money on it so I can get out of the house as well as have coffee/mochas. I will need to go to the grocery store to get my half and half but that doesn’t cost much. I just hope it lasts. I am really bummed but it’s hard to stay this way because the hypos are making me feel really good.

I had therapy and we talked about the hypos. My therapist is kind of worried as I never have had hypos last more than a few days tops and this episode has lasted a week now, maybe more. I wish I could contribute it to something but nothing out of the ordinary has happened. We were trying to figure it out and we couldn’t come up with anything. She was asking me about my psychotic symptoms and I was afraid to tell her what was running through my head. Weird things have been happening when I read a book or when I am reading from my phone. Words seem to “dance”. It is very entertaining and seems to make reading fun. It doesn’t happen all the time though. I am afraid to tell my pdoc about this symptom because the last time this happened, I was hospitalized. Granted I was in a greater psychotic state than I am right now, but still I am afraid this might happen. I don’t want to be hospitalized because it won’t do me any good. I will just be doped up and then sent home. I am not suicidal like I was before. I feel too good to want to hurt myself. I have been really irritable lately. Little things have made me feel angry, really angry. I am not usually angry without a real reason. I had stopped following a good friend of mine because of the stupid shit she posts that upsets me. I have decided if they post more than 2 memes in succession, I am unfollowing them. It is that simple. Then I am not aggravated when I try and read my FB feed. I am tempted to unfollow “Not right in the head” stuff because lately their stuff has been downright offensive. And then these memes and pictures get stuck in my head and the float around. I know it’s because of these damn hypos. I am more prone to psychosis and irritability than when I am depressed. But stop this shit already. I hate to give up feeling good to feeling depressed again but that is my normal. I just don’t know what to do. I am still nervous about my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. My blood work came back all normal except for my LDL. It’s slightly elevated by 4 points. My cholesterol went down to below 200 which I was thrilled about. It was 217 last time I had it checked. So other than my fricken weight, that is the only thing my doc is going to harass me about. I really wanted to lose a few more pounds but it just wasn’t going to happen. I have been eating fruit most of the day to try and keep my weight where it is. I have no idea what I will have for dinner. Might have raviolis that were left over from last night.

Like I was expecting, my therapist didn’t get through the pile of letters she said she was going to. I was laughing. I still wanted to know if she read the one about “Do I” but I was too afraid of the answer. She hasn’t read my latest blog about the language of suicidology. I wrote that while I was hypo and I still think it’s a pretty good piece of writing. It’s probably the first piece of writing that I like and think is not a piece of crap. A few people have said they really like it. I wish it got more likes but it didn’t. I keep posting it on Twitter when I remember as I think it’s important to put it out there.

I reluctantly emailed my pdoc and told her about my symptoms. I don’t think she is going to suggest hospital and I didn’t tell her my words were dancing when I read. I think that will alarm her and I will be put in the hospital. And whoever heard of being hospitalized because of being hypo? I have never been in the hospital because I am in a good mood. I wish it could last forever but I don’t think it’s going to. It never does. It is curious that I am having more episodes though. I am not doing anything with them. I am not spending like crazy nor am I being promiscuous. I just am in a good mood and if my pdoc thinks I need to be hospitalized for it, forget it. It’s not going to happen. Maybe I am being paranoid.

I changed my music selection on my MP3 to Pearl Jam and Linkin Park. I was tired of listening to country the last few days. Shoot. I just realized that because of my money issues, I can’t get Luke Bryan’s new album. I am really bummed now. Least the Sox are playing tonight so I have something to bitch about on Twitter. They are playing the White Sox tonight. Last time they played, White dominated us. Course, we still have crappy pitching but we have better hitting lately with the addition of JBJ. He is a swell guy.

baseball, pie, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I was all over the place this afternoon. I decided to listen to the ball game but I got the munchies so decided to make some popcorn. As I was making it, I watched it on TV until the 8th inning as I couldn’t stand the heat and mugginess of the living room anymore. They were winning by two runs so I thought they would win the game. BPD chat was going on at the time of the 7th inning so I was multitasking. I retreated to my room so I could be on my laptop as my phone was dying anyways. I still kept up with the fluid intake. By the time chat ended around 5, the closing pitcher blew the game!! I couldn’t believe he allowed four fucking runs to score! I was bullshit. I really wanted to win this game and take the series away from KC but it wasn’t going to happen, not with our shitty bullpen. I am so disappointed right now. I already watched a damn blooper when they had two errors on the same play. And they came back to make it 6-4, which I thought would be the final score. NOPE. NOT happening. Damn you Taz. Hope he gets DFA’d.

When I listened to the rest of the bottom half of the 9th inning, one of the announcers was on that I can’t stand. I am glad I watched half the game. I don’t know what happened to my buddy Dave. He was there in the first few innings that I was listening. He and Joe make a good duo. Not the other guy, Lou. Lou I can’t stand. His analysis of the game or the pitch or whatever is so over done it’s not funny. And you aren’t watching the game so you have no idea what the hell he’s talking about. Just annoys me.

I read some of Harry Potter to keep my mind occupied before the game. I really don’t but do like this book. It is emotional for me for some reason. I can’t stand when people cry and if people in the book that I like start crying, I will too. I am a sucker for other people’s sadness. So I was laughing and crying in the chapters I was reading. Good thing I read alone or my family members would really question my sanity.

I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts since my earlier blog. I didn’t think I would have two blogs today but I got in the writing mood. I still need to email NYT again. I guess I will keep emailing them the same message until I get a response, if I ever get a response. I don’t subscribe to their column and wish I did. It would be nice to read other stories to see if someone publishes something similar to my story. Then I could stop emailing them. I didn’t think of this till now. I am kind of sow to these things. I filled my pill box for the week. Only pill I didn’t put in was the blasted hormone pill. I have to stop it so I can get my menses so this discharge fucking stops. I am so annoyed it is not funny. Every three months I got to take a break. It used to be five months now it’s three. I hate it, I really do. I think that is why I have been so out of things this past week. I have to go over my grocery list because I have close to $200 worth of stuff and I have no idea if it’s junk food or real food. I seemed to just click on something when I had a craving for a certain food. I know I ordered rice and steak and a couple of half pies. Those I will keep. The rest will have to go. I haven’t had pie in a very long time. My work used to make some excellent pies but for some reason their fruit pies started to suck as the crust became watery. It was gross. So their pumpkin or squash pie was the only thing that stayed good. I ordered a blueberry pie, which I know my mother will like. I also ordered pumpkin because I haven’t had it in over a year. I didn’t make it last Thanksgiving and for Christmas, my brother in law turned the pie into soup. I have no idea how the hell that happened but I wasn’t touching it. I made pumpkin pie once but forgot the sugar so it was terrible. I thought the evaporated milk would be enough and didn’t realize the mistake until after I cooked it. I plan on making pumpkin cupcakes soon as the weather cools down and isn’t so damn muggy.

Early Morning Thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I finally got some decent sleep but I wish I slept a little later. I am going to have breakfast and then maybe go back to sleep. I need to drink a lot of fluid today because I am getting my blood drawn tomorrow and I don’t want there to be any problems finding my veins. I hate getting my blood drawn but hopefully they will draw the right amount of tubes and I won’t have to correct them. I know what needs to be drawn because I used to work in the lab. I should just have three tubes drawn. Any more than that and I will make a fuss. I got to find out when the lab opens tomorrow. I really don’t want to be fasting all day because I know I will forget and eat something.

Last night I got to thinking about my sessions with my therapist. She is the only therapist I know that offered me multiple sessions during the week. I normally see her twice a week but sometimes, because of my suicidality, we will meet three times. She wants to keep an eye on me at all costs. I can’t even go without texting her for periods. It’s become such a habit to text her when I am in the deepest of despair. As I thought about this, I also thought, what if she didn’t see me so much? I wonder if I would be here. I have been fortunate that my insurance hasn’t interfered with my therapy. I don’t have any limit on sessions. I think if I did, things would be so hard. I know not everyone can have multiple sessions with their therapist for various reasons. I guess someone really wants me to be here even if I don’t want to be.

Game is on early today. I don’t like day games because it makes the night time seem longer. I guess I will just be doing more reading as there will be nothing to listen to except music. I have to have a little music playing while I read. It keeps away the voices from asking me questions.

I was struggling last night. My psychiatrist emailed me back and asked how I was doing. I started writing back and then I felt immensely suicidal. It was weird because I wasn’t feeling depressed when I was writing to her. I didn’t tell her I was feeling this way. I knew it would only worry her more. I have tried not to think about suicide the past few days because I didn’t want to feel it. Now it’s coming in waves. I don’t know why this is. I am not feeling horribly depressed. I still am feeling somewhat good, though not at the level I was earlier this past week. I don’t know if I am cycling and that worries me because it usually brings with it mixed states. I hate mixed states. They always make things worse.

I think I have the thoughts of killing myself because I really think it is my destiny to die that way. They have been apart of me for so long that I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like an addiction, except you don’t get high. You just are constantly surrounded by your thoughts and planning. Planning gives me an escape. It forces me to compartmentalize the suicidal stuff so I can go about doing other things and make it appear that I am “okay”.

I don’t know when planning became my escape route. It has always been there for as long as I can remember. It didn’t solidify until one day I snapped. Even then, I had planned a date well in advanced so that I could have time to think things through. The hard part was keeping this from my therapist because I was so determined to end my life. I still try to do it but I fail miserably. I cannot lie to save my life, literally. So when she asked me what is going on, really, really what is going on, I had to think about what I wanted to say to her. I gave myself a good 24 hours to think about this, then I called her and asked for an extra session. I think that is when we started talking more often at that point.