Tag: cauda equina syndrome

restless depressive state

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

Had a long morning. My father’s doctor was at least forty minutes late, per usual. I am glad I canceled my appointment with my therapist. There would be no way to talk to her.

I then visited a dear friend who is in the hospital fighting cancer and an infection. She had surgery to remove the cancer and developed an infection. She looked very drained. I feel really bad for her. This is the second time she has developed cancer. I hope that it was caught in time. I don’t want to lose my friend.

I have been in a restless depressive state all day. But now it quickly turned into a moody state because I crapped myself. I should have gone to the bathroom before leaving the hospital but thought I could make it home in time. I really don’t like taking a crap outside of my house. I like having my supplies handy. I know I should carry them with me but 9 out of 10 times I never have to do a number two so why bother. I just feel so humiliated. I would have been fine if I didn’t stop to check the mail. It was two minutes, too long. I am such an idiot.

I texted my therapist about being an idiot. I don’t have another session with her till Thursday. I wish I was having one tomorrow. But I had to cancel my time because my father had another doctor appointment tomorrow. Oh the joys of spending all this time waiting in doctors offices. I wish these docs ran on time but they never do. I don’t know any doc that runs on time. Even my own!

I didn’t take the mood stabilizer today. But I think taking it is helping my pain. Since taking it, I have noticed a marked decrease in my nerve pain and general pain as I have been using my pain medication less. I don’t know about today though because I did a lot of walking in my AFO getting around the hospital. Hopefully I won’t be in too much agony later tonight.

I hope that I don’t have excruciating pain tonight. It will not bode well with my mood and might put in a suicidal state of mind. I hate being restless. I am going to try and read after I finish this blog. Maybe that will calm down some of the restlessness. I certainly can’t sleep and I don’t want to take an Ativan unless I absolutely need it. I just wish my dignity was intact today. Not to say the day was going well but the crapping my pants just made everything worse. Made me feel like I was a little kid again, and not in a good way. I just feel so terrible. I know rationally it wasn’t my fault, it was stupid nerve damage that caused it. But I still feel like I should have controlled myself some way, even though I can’t anymore. I thought with being constipated I was safe but I guess not. It really is hard to gauge your bowels when you have nerve damage to them. I really don’t know if I am being too harsh with myself or not. As a grown up, you think you should be able to control yourself and when that gets damaged, you just feel awful. I know I am lucky that my damage is minimal as I still have some control. Others have lost theirs entirely. But after dealing with this loss for 13 yrs now, it’s just sucks when you have an accident, plain and simple. And the worst part is that other than my therapist, there is no one I can talk to about it. It’s not like I can tell my sister or a friend. A CES friend would be the only other person to understand. But I am tired of just going on the group site to say that I had an accident and feel terrible when I know most of them have accidents everyday and I don’t. Doesn’t make it easier to deal with and it is so isolating.

Mr. Hyde and nerve pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

I have been thinking the past few days. Yes that has been the smoke that has been circulating in the air in Boston. Apparently on Tuesday in the throws of another pain episode I was barely aware of, I sent my therapist a text. It said that I cannot go on living like this, with this level of pain. I have no recollection of sending it. I knew I sent it because it is my phone but it sounded more of Mr. Hyde. I have been trying to wrap my head around Hyde. He likes to come around at various times and sometimes I can “catch him” and other time he alludes me. But I am cracking down on when he is likely to occur. When I am deeply hopeless, suicidal, and in severe physical pain. All three must be present for Hyde to emerge. The sucky part about this is my safety because Hyde want to die. I wasn’t in danger of dying, as far as I know, Tuesday but I could have. I just wanted to sleep, and fairly succeeded on doing that. I also have to be in a sleep state to bring Hyde out. He is more likely to show himself while I am overtired. Like I am now.

I just had zaps go through my foot. Just imagine the shock you get when you place your tongue on a 9 volt battery, minus the metallic taste and you have the zaps I get in my feet. Sometimes they are stronger than a 9 volt. And they jolt me awake, like tonight. I was ready to turn in but my PTSD symptoms (hypervigilance and anxiety) have taken over. It is going to take another Ativan to calm down. Hyde doesn’t like Ativan too much. It makes me really sleepy so I do sleep. It doesn’t cause me to do other weird stuff like Neurontin does. I know that I am not having another attack of CES and that things will be ok but in my head, I am “excited” and fearful of when the next zap is going to come. Usually if I stretch out my legs, it makes it worse. So I have to sit with my legs up so they don’t get zapped. And there is nothing I can take for it. The zaps come and go as they please. They don’t last long enough for me to take anything, but boy do they cause havoc!!

I am listening to Luke Bryan. He has some really good songs that I love listening to over and over again. He has that southern voice that I just love. It can be a fast song or a slow one and I just swoon over his voice. It’s not relaxing like Mary Chapin, but it will do.

I really need to go to bed soon. It’s after midnight and I need to be up at six. I need to take a shower and get ready to take my sister’s car. I will need a large coffee to help my mood. The good thing is that I don’t need to rush because I don’t have to pick up my father till 830. I then have to take him for a blood draw for his Coumadin test. He doesn’t know it yet but he will.

Well, I think the zaps have settled down some. I hope I get some sleep tonight. Or tomorrow is going to suck…

beyond Exasperated

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Had an early morning today because my father had a doc appointment. It went ok, though my father had no clue what was going on and didn’t understand what the doc was saying. I had to explain it to him in smaller words.

While I was at the doc’s office, I had to use the bathroom. I found out, much to my dismay, that I sharted. Now I am in a very dark mood. I came home, washed up, and while making my way to my room, my ankle exploded. So in addition to losing my dignity, I am now in wicked bad physical pain. I took some pain medication and am calling it a day.

I wrote my therapist a letter that I had hoped to mail today but forget it now. I wrote her an excerpt of the blog I wrote last night. I felt she had the right to know what I wrote. I also added some things to it. I also texted her to try and have her call me. I really need to talk to her because I don’t think I can be ok till our next appointed time. I don’t know if she will call me or not. Some times she is able to and others she is not. I really am hoping someone cancels one of her appointments and I am able to get their time. A session would help me today. I could call my psych but I know she will just tell me to go to the ER and I don’t want to go. Besides, I don’t have a car and with my ankle the way it is, I can’t walk there. I just feel stuck.

Since the shart episode, I feel like I can’t trust myself. I am afraid to do anything that will cause my bowels to move. I hate feeling like an asshole. I know it isn’t my fault but the hardest part of dealing with CES is losing the ability to trust your own body. It’s gone and there is nothing I can do to get it back. The sensitive nerves are damaged and there is no getting these nerves back. I can’t feel myself and haven’t for the past eight years now. It’s the little things like this that bother me the most. And what is worse, is that I have no control over it when it happens. There are no warning signs. Just soiled underwear and skid marks. Luckily today I was wearing a feminine product because of my menses so my underwear didn’t get soiled. And that is the other thing that is frustrating me. That I am having to use feminine products because of my menses. I am beyond exasperated. I should not have to wear them but what choice do I have? It’s either that or really soil my underwear. I am just so frustrated by this. And no one understands, except another CES sufferer.

Why am I dealing with this? I should just be dead. To me that is the answer that I am looking for. I am tired of constantly dealing with a body that isn’t working anymore. I am tired of dealing with depression that makes my soul dark, that sucks the energy out of me. And that also goes for my body excretions as well. You have no idea how tiring it is to have a bowel movement sometimes. I feel like I am in labor. I sometimes am so weak afterwards that I need to rest. All because I can no move my movements because of the nerve damage. I literally have to push and push to get it all out. It is a very tiring process. And if this grosses you out, well, I am sorry. Every time this happens I want to kill myself. I just don’t think I can go on living this way. It’s just too much for me to bear. I am past my breaking point, well past it! I am so far from the edge that I still haven’t realized I am on standing on nothing. Yet gravity hasn’t knocked me down yet to kill me. Or maybe I am just falling in slow motion. I refuse to grab on to anything that might save me. I just am not good enough to go living anymore.

Abyss of Darkness

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Took yesterday off from blogging because I didn’t know what to write. Things have been so difficult lately that writing this blog has been rough. What has been my outlet is now a fullstop. I don’t even know if that last sentence makes sense. I just am very depressed.

It’s hard being depressed and not being able to express it like I have in the past. It’s killing me skipping days but my doc doesn’t want to put added pressure on me with this blog. I can’t even write in my journal. But I know that if I stop writing, things will get worse. I am always on the verge of suicide and not writing might just push me. So even though my pdoc wants me to cut down on my blogs, I just can’t. I might not write everyday like I used to, so don’t be shocked that the blogs are not consecutive like they once were. I know I have daily readers so I apologize but I got to take care of me in some way. If I feel like writing, I will and if I don’t, I just won’t. Hopefully there won’t be too many won’ts.

I visited my therapist today. There was no traffic, at all, so I got there two hours early. I shopped at the Whole Food Market but didn’t buy anything. What I wanted, they didn’t have. Or what they did have was too expensive. I really wanted carobs as I haven’t had them in years but all they had were carob chips and that wasn’t what I was looking for. I was really bummed. I then went to Starbucks and tried to write. Nothing worthwhile came to me.

My therapist finally got her signed copy of my book. She is overjoyed. We talked about the book some as I told her I was thinking of pulling the plug. At first she didn’t know what I was talking about, but then I explained that I was taking it off the market, and she freaked out. Well, not really, but she gave me the let’s talk about this glare. And I so didn’t want to talk about it. She still thinks that there is some merit in my book, just like this blog helps people. But I told her I just feel like I exposed myself too much and this is getting dicey. I still feel nervous while talking about the book, in detail, even while I was with her. The session just felt like it was going on forever. I know the book needs to go into the hands of suicide people and I don’t mean those that have attempted. Maybe clinicians. But I am not rich and can’t be shipping my book to all the psychologists in my area or around the US. It might just end up in the recycle bin. I am sending it to the AAS for review so I am hoping I get a good review and maybe it will sell a little better. If not, at least I have the AAS backing on my book which will mean more than anything. I am looking for validation and it’s killing me that I am not getting it. I guess that is why I am so depressed. My needs are frustrated. I still need to send my book to the consultant. But I am out of mailers. I will have to go to the post office tomorrow and do that.

We also talked about why I don’t want to “talk” in therapy. I told her I felt like I am wasting her time. I still feel like she could make better use of her time if she saw someone else. I guess I feel like I don’t deserve to be in treatment. It’s the same thing with my pdoc. I don’t know why she makes time for me. It’s not like things are going to change in a week and I am going to magically feel better. I am hopeless. I don’t think things are going to change. I am stuck in the abyss of darkness. Sure, things have gone a little better this week. I did get some validation on my book. And I know the word needs to be out there but am I the person to do it?

My therapist still thinks that it is quite an accomplishment to write a book and publish it. But I just feel bad because, like my blogs, they don’t have any messages other than my life sucks. I don’t leave any hopefulness in here nor the book. Call me the harshest critic, but the book is depressing. But then, when can you call a suicide attempt a happy event? You don’t. And not too many people know the extent of just how suicidal I have been over the years. My one regret is that I didn’t put the website for the CES support group in the book on the reference page. It completely slipped my mind, until now. It would seem silly to redo the whole process just to put in a website. I don’t think I can bear it again. Three or four times was enough.