Tag: chronic physical pain

End of a Long Week

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

End of a Long Week

Just came from my sister’s apartment. For the last two hours we have been writing out thank you notes for all the support, flowers, and what have you for my father’s wake and funeral. I didn’t think we would get it done this soon. I really didn’t, but my sister is frantic and wants to get everything done now. We still haven’t done his apartment yet. That will be sometime next week. I told my sisters I will take care of my father’s doctors, except his oncologist who was an ass in the end.

Tomorrow I am going to page my psychiatrist like I said I would and then spend the day in my bed, probably writing blogs whenever I feel like it, so be warned. I actually don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow but I know it’s going to be minimal. I did order Chinese food so I have that for left overs. Maybe read a book that I started but haven’t finished yet. The last book I finished was in February. I have the Harry Potter book in my hospital bag. I haven’t touched it in weeks. Then I have Dostoevsky that I haven’t touched since I don’t know when. I really want to concentrate on his book as it’s so long. I really want to start Crime and Punishment after I finish Brothers Karamazov. Those are the two goals I have.

Being at my father’s apartment today really got to me. I felt trapped and isolated, which is probably how he felt with his illness and always being tired. I still cannot get over the rapid decline. My sister gave me a copy of the death certificate and now it’s real to me that my father is gone. Well, kind of real. I am still expecting him to call. I still have his number (though it’s disconnected) in my phone. I still have his dead sister’s number in my phone as well. I just can’t let go of her. I know I will delete my father’s number one day. It’s just not today.

I feel really sad. I am also tired. It’s been a long day with waiting for those idiots. I plan on complaining soon as I get the energy to figure out what I am going to say. It should not have taken them all week to pick up the equipment.

I am feeling suicidal. I just want my pain to end. I got the means to do it. I just don’t know if I have the courage to go through with it because I know how hard it is to pay for a funeral now. I really don’t want a wake or a funeral. Just cremate me without all the hooplas.

Post 1727

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1727

Just came from the wake. It was the hardest thing I ever had to witness. Everyone was crying except me. There were a lot of people that came, including my dear high school friend, people from work, my “hubby” and his girlfriend, and my best friend from childhood. A few people from my father’s work came to pay their respects. That was really nice of them to come. My sister recognized one of the men that came because we had a picture of him.

Stupid me, I didn’t pack any pain pills so my leg acted up not even an hour into the funeral home. Thanks CES you really made my day. I crapped my pants this morning because I had loose stool and continued to go until I took Imodium. And I was also stupid because I took a senna tonight. Fuck. I am going to be out most of the day and I don’t know how my bowels are going to be. UGH.

My cousins were there and they were awesome. Not so much my crazy ass aunt that loves funerals and shit. I really should have told her not to show up. I did not want her there at all. One of my sister’s friends from work came and was like sorry for your loss because she was at the head of the line. Bitch should not have been there. I was so mad.

My father did not look so emaciated in the casket, though I was still waiting for him to jump out and yell surprise! I felt like taking a picture of him and I think I will tomorrow. I want to remember him that way than the last time I saw him when I found him dead.

My nephew said some nice words about my father. It was tough for him to say but he got through it. I know my sister is going to have a hard time saying the eulogy. I think tomorrow is going to be harder than today. I just know I will be relieved when all is said and done.

I meant to call the oxygen people and give them a piece of my mind. I might do that tomorrow after the funeral reception because it is ridiculous that they still have not picked up their equipment. I want to know the exact time they will be coming by so I can be there rather than waiting all damn day for them.

All in all, I am doing ok. I still feel pretty numb and sad but I am not tearful. I was able to reserve a car so I can see my therapist again next week. My sister wanted to go to Foxwoods but I really don’t want to go. I have no extra money to gamble. I am still debating on buying groceries for the month. Though I am still not eating half of what I should be. Today I had some chicken ziti and broccoli and a pastrami sub. I felt like having pastrami again so I got it. Don’t know why I am addicted to eating this particular sub but I am.

My foot is killing me as well as my leg. I hope I sleep tonight or tomorrow is going to be more difficult than it should be.

Solemn Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Solemn day

My father passed away peacefully around 1545 today. We brought him home from the nursing home and he died within two hours of being there. My sisters and I were having lunch in the kitchen area when he passed. It’s been a difficult day. When he died, I felt nothing. I was looking at him when he died and was in shock. I think I still am because I haven’t cried or felt tearful. The hospice nurse was excellent. I just felt bad for the social worker that came to see us but my father passed before she got to his house.

Now the hard part is writing an obituary for the guy. My sisters and I were cracking up making jokes about how he was. I guess it was better than crying. I couldn’t stop laughing. Every time things got serious, I would say something sarcastic to get us going again.

I have no idea what we are going to do with his stuff. We can donate his clothing but stuff like his kitchen utensils and table, bedding, etc. what do you do? Tomorrow I have to go over my father’s so that the oxygen people can collect their stuff. It’s going to be weird being at his house without him there. We have 30 days to move all the stuff out.

My leg was no better today. I was walking with my cane most of the day. I also been taking my pain meds every few hours. Last night it took eight different pills to settle my pain. It was rough and then I woke up with it again this morning. I want to chop my leg off. I don’t know why the pain is so damn bad. The weather has been fair so I don’t understand it.

I feel relieved that my father is gone. I no longer feel sad, least for right now anyway. My psychiatrist asked how I was and I couldn’t think of anything to say for like two hours. I don’t know if I am going to be okay or not. I am worried about my sisters. The next few days are going to be rough. I don’t know when the arrangements are going to be yet. I guess there is a special way they prepare the body for cremation so we have to wait two days before we can have the wake and funeral mass.

I keep on having anxiety so I just asked my psych if I can take 2 mg of Ativan for tonight. I almost had a panic attack when I found out my father died. I have been on edge all day. I hope she says it is okay.

Difficult Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

The side of my leg has been killing me the last few days. Today was the worse of it. I don’t know why it hurts so much. I am not having back pain with it nor is it radiating pain. It’s like this patch on my leg is throbbing really bad. It’s worse if I am sitting in a chair. I have been visiting my father for the last few hours. He only has a few more days to live.

I talked with my cousin today and she is going to let his surviving brother know, though he isn’t in too great of health either. He is 90 and has dementia. I have let my other cousins know via Facebook that live in France. I don’t know how else to communicate with them as I don’t have their numbers and I don’t speak French. I had to use Google translator to send them the message. I didn’t want to do it this way but I am out of options.

Tomorrow is going to be tough because I have to deal with setting up my father going home. I was able to extend his insurance through an appeal but the nursing home can deny it and bill us anyways so it’s better to take him home with us to die. The social worker said that they will set up services and stuff before discharging him so I am hoping that to be the case. This just buys us some time to actually get those services where he lives. Hospice is coming in the morning so I have to be at the nursing home early. I just hope my leg pain is gone by then.

I have been going through some difficult emotions today when I saw my father. He was sleeping and then would become agitated and restless. We had to give him morphine because he was in pain and Ativan to keep him calm. He is not communicative anymore so we have no idea where it hurts. He also has been having the hiccups which seem to be painful for him. It gets him all upset afterwards and my sister has to calm him down. It was hard to watch as I felt so helpless. My youngest sister was in tears watching him today. I don’t know how much more she can take. She tries to be strong but I know she is hurting inside. I wish I could talk to her but I don’t know what to say as I am going through it, too.

I am feeling really distraught over this. Being in physical pain isn’t helping. Last night, I found out I have bruises on my ankle and I have no idea how I got them but it’s making my ankle pain through the roof. I just want to take a bunch of pills and see if I sleep till oblivion. But I can’t do that because I have other obligations. I really need to be in the hospital but I can’t until after the funeral.