Tag: chronic physical pain

Anxiety surrounding death

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Anxiety surrounding death

My sisters visited my father today. They spent around three hours watching him sleep. It was totally different than the day before. My sister wants hospice so I called the nurse today to set things up. We will need to sign a consent for the admission to hospice tomorrow. My anxiety surrounding my father’s imminent death is driving me nuts. I have been having palpitations and nervousness that I have never felt before. I am also scared of losing my father.

No one prepares you for losing a parent. This has been so damn hard. I am glad that I have the support of my psych team and my sisters as well as you, the blog readers. I am not sure what I would do without this support. I would feel utterly alone.

Something is telling me that my father is going to pass before Monday. Just hearing the description my sister was giving me made me really sad. I have such a heavy heart and it’s only going to get worse. I also have been in pain most of the day with my fucking ankle. It has made getting around the house difficult. I am glad that I have some pretzels in my room so I didn’t have to go back down the stairs to eat something.

A childhood friend that just lost her mother a few months ago, reached out to me today on Facebook. I was appreciative of the gesture. She is a good friend. I would have gone to her mother’s wake had I had a vehicle. It wasn’t in an area that was T accessible.

My father’s niece who is in Florida contacted me. She wanted one more dance with him. I thought that was sweet of her. My father loved dancing. I remember at my Aunt’s 90th birthday party, he was dancing so hard. He kept saying he was tired but that didn’t stop him. She wants to be informed and is happy we are taking him home to pass. I just wish we had a few more days in the nursing home. I hope the appeal goes through and we do have that time so we don’t have to move him. But knowing our luck, it won’t happen that way.

I keep thinking about the eulogy. Frankly, no matter who says it, I know that I am going to be a basket case. I have been holding on for so long to stay out of the hospital that after the funeral and all is said and done, I will be going in. There will be nothing holding me back. I will finally be able to care for myself and if people think that I am selfish for going in, so be it. They don’t understand my mood disorder and how precipitous it has been the last few weeks. I just hope I don’t get agitated with this anxiety that I am feeling because that will just suck.

My menses are still going strong. I thought by now it will be over and it’s not. It must be because of the stress I am under.

Disappointment

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Disappointment

This is today’s Daily Prompt from WordPress. I have been trying to think of something to say about this but I got nothing yet have a lot to say. It’s hard to get the words out. Today is one of those days where I am just staring at the screen wondering what to say. So I will just say what is on my mind and hope that I find the words to tell it.

My mother’s sister is a bitch. I do not like her at all because she is so conniving. She likes to talk about anything and everything yet it’s always about other people and how they acted. She is the biggest hypocrite out there. What really pissed me off this week is that she has been telling people about my father. She hates my father as much as he hates her. Now I hate her even more for talking about my father behind his back. I found this out because I told my cousin that lives in Texas that my father was dying. He said that he already knew because of my aunt. When she was over the house yesterday at my niece’s party, I so wanted to say something but I knew I would be upset and start crying and there were other people at the party so I kept my mouth shut. It still bothers me that she wants to find out things about him to invoke sympathy for her, not for us. That is her game. I don’t like it at all.

I really wanted a tuna sandwich today but I am out of the tuna I like. I felt like going to the store to get it but I really need a shower and I just don’t feel like taking one. I will eventually today, but not right now. I am waiting for someone to call me back about hospice for my father.

I am not in good space. I really feel like I need to talk to someone about the stress I feel about the upcoming few days. It doesn’t look like my father is going to die in the next 48 hours so he will most likely be sent home on Monday with services. This is because his insurance will no longer pay for his stay at the nursing home. It’s a tough situation and it’s putting extra stress on me and my sisters. It doesn’t help that my ankle is being a brat right now and I am in mega pain. I took some pain meds and I am getting sleepy from it. I so want to take a nap but I am waiting for a callback from hospice to see if they provide services my father’s town that he lives in.

For the first time in months, my hunger has returned. I have been eating today. Not a lot but enough to get by. I think the physical symptoms of depression are now behind me. But we’ll see. Tomorrow might be totally different.

Just Another Day II

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just another day

I had my pain management appointment. For some reason, the new system kicked out my medication that I take so the medical assistant had to put it back on. It was the only medication not listed. Weird. I talked with the NP about the situation with my father. After the appointment, she gave me a hug, which I thought was nice. She is a good person.

Today is my niece’s birthday. Kids are over the house but the food isn’t out yet. I only had Ensure for my breakfast and lunch because I wasn’t hungry. I still am not hungry but I will try and have something at the party. I am down another six pounds according to the scale at the doc’s office. This keeps up, I can be at my target goal by the end of the year.

I still feel an overwhelming sadness around me. I still have my menses which is aggravating the fuck out of me. It should be over with by tomorrow or Sunday. I need to take a shower because I feel gross but it will have to be after the party. I don’t know if taking the shower is going to aggravate my ankle and I don’t want to miss the party because of pain.

The hardest part of this, other than my father actually dying, has been my gender identity issues. I have had to play the role of daughter the past few weeks and it has been killing me. What is worse, is that everybody has been calling me my birth name, which I hate. Having my menses always fucks with me but having to be a “daughter” rather than a “son” is just painful. I have had to grin and bear it because there is nothing more that I can do. It’s like no matter how much progress I make with transitioning, there always seems to be a few steps back. And it hurts.

The stupid bus was late on my way home. My ankle is not too happy with me right now. I went downstairs to get some chocolate. I was going to have a bowl of cereal but I never opened the new box and I didn’t feel like going to the porch to get it. I’ll just have to wait for the party food.

Breakdown here

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Breakdown here

Today I broke down, while at the nursing home. My younger sister snapped at me and that was it. It started a cascade of tears and I couldn’t stop it no matter how hard I tried. Then I would get my composure, start talking and the tears started up again. I finally stopped but after I wrote to my psychiatrist about the ridiculousness of the day, I started up again and couldn’t stop. I was in my room and thought I had privacy until my middle sister came to check on me. Then I cried harder. It was such difficulty to stop when I couldn’t.

Found out my middle sister reads my blogs. So I kind of had to stop posting on FB my posts. I will lose some views per day but least she won’t be “spying” on me. She was reading my blogs to check up on me and I had no idea until today. She and my other sister were upset that I didn’t tell them my thoughts on how long my father had left. I told them that it could be a few days to a week to ten days or more.

I am really tired and in pain. I have been up since 0400. I left the house early because I wanted coffee even though I had made a cup at home. I just needed to get out of the house. I didn’t have a breakfast sandwich today because I wasn’t hungry. I had a black bean burger and some baked beans for my breakfast, lunch, and dinner, with a bottle of water. I just am not hungry today. Last night after we left the nursing home, my sister took us out to eat and I was still kind of full from that. My stomach is just not the same as it used to be. I lost a few more pounds though I am still not less than 200. I am working on it though. I will be weighed tomorrow when I go to my pain management appointment.

I did a stupid thing today. My father needed to use the bathroom while I was there. It was just me and I thought I would be able to handle it. Wrong. He lost control of his legs because he was so weak and I had to lower him to the floor because I couldn’t maneuver him back to the bed. I had to call for help and the nurses looked at me like I had three heads. I was like WTF. I hurt my back in the process. I think it’s just soreness and I hope it goes away. The whole episode left me very upset. Hence why I was so tearful.

My ankle is killing me and so is my foot. I feel like I should ice it but sometimes that makes it worse. I have already taken multiple doses of pain meds. I might have to take a strong one to calm it down. I think I might have twisted it without realizing it while dealing with my father. Course, I have been standing a LOT the last few days on it so that might be another reason why it’s so damn painful.

After I wrote my psychiatrist the email, I became really suicidal. I would have slashed my throat or something if I had the means. I was desperate to die. I texted my therapist that I was having a breakdown. She called me a few hours later to find out what was going on. I told her that I really wanted to be in the hospital but can’t because I have a meeting with the nursing home people on Tuesday and because I am the health care proxy, I have to be there or they can’t give out any information to my sisters. Next week is going to be really tough because the insurance my father has runs out and the state insurance is still in process. They are so damn slow. My father could die while waiting for the application to go through. I’m still hoping that he does die but an assessment today said that he could live for the next 10 days or so. It’s going to put a financial burden on us if the thing doesn’t go through. We don’t have the money to pay the nursing home fees. I don’t know what we are going to do if we have to take him home. I just worry that comfort measures won’t be so suitable in my father’s apartment like they will be in the home. Just add a little more stress to my life, why not!