Tag: chronic physical pain

annoyed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

My day started out early as usual. I am getting used to getting up before five these days but today it was because of pain and bladder was full. I try not to drink before going to bed but it’s not easy as I have a ton of meds to take and I can’t dry swallow them. I need some liquid to wash them down.

I am in an irritable mood. My foot still hurts and I am just cranky. I thought of getting coffee down at my sister’s but I really don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want my coffee and go back up to my room where it’s nice and quiet. I spend most of my time up in my room though today is mostly going to be a sleep day as I just took some more pain meds. I did too much the last two days and am now paying for it.

Saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we talked about my book anxieties. I feel better now knowing that my editor wants to edit my book as I gave her two chapters and she loved it. One worry down. I also printed off another copy of my manuscript so I can go over it and make changes to it if I feel there need to be. I know there is one section that I want to work on, namely the introduction. My therapist thinks there should be an Epilogue but I am not there yet. Besides, who writes an Epilogue for a memoir? She is going to drive me crazy, more than what I already am. I think she is just excited that I wrote a book after years of telling me to and it finally happened.

Yesterday I was feeling contentment. Today I am just depressed. I just want to sleep and do nothing. I put my status on Facebook that I would work on my short story but I am not that depressed. I need to be in a really dark place to write the short story and I just am not there. FUCK my mother just turned on the living room TV. I might not sleep as much as I want to after all. I am getting annoyed and irritated. And if I just didn’t pop two pain pills, I would be out the door, freezing my ass off for the bus. I really can’t think when I am trying to concentrate but I am hearing LOUD noises downstairs. Then she wonders why I don’t use my office! I swear if my book becomes successful, I am going to rent an office space and just have a table and a chair, maybe a Keurig machine and write there. It will get me out of the house and I will be able to work on my stories without interruption. I won’t have the internet which will not be a distraction and then I can come home and publish what I wrote. Dream world fantasy, I know but it is what it is.

I have been thinking about this story now for days and nothing new has surfaced with it. I think it is done and now I have to wonder if it will be part of my book or not. I have to check to see if I wrote about Hyde. If I did, I will include it in the chapter or the next chapter. So many decisions.

I still need to write something for my short story. I just don’t know where to go. I have never written a plot before or anything like that. But when I do, I will post it on my blog so you guys can read it. I told my psychiatrist about it and I was thankful she didn’t want me to send it to her because I was fearful she would call me out of concern or worse, hospitalize me.

It’s a windy day. House is shaking every time the wind blows. Just wonderful. Add it to my annoyance today. I feel like every time it blows it’s like the big bad wolf huffing and puffing trying to blow the house down. Oh, and to add more to my annoyance, my cell network is doing work in my area. I have not been able to get more than 2 bars in my house since it started. Sometimes I don’t have service in the house at all or outside the house. I tweeted a complaint but never got a response, nor was I expecting one. I have been with the same company now for over ten years. I like them for the most part. Except for right now when I have practically no service in some parts of the house!! I just hope that it clears up by Tuesday when I have my next therapy appointment. Going to be mighty difficult doing talk therapy via text!

doubts and fears about my book

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicidality, suicide attempt survivor

I don’t know what kind of day I have been having. It started very early, like 0430 early. I got some writing done. Had breakfast but that was the only thing I have eaten today. I am too tired to make something to eat. The leftover Chinese wasn’t enough to fill me up. I just had a banana. Hopefully that ties me over until tomorrow. Missing two meals is a big deal but there is nothing I can do about it now.

I saw my PCP today and he is trying to reassure me that I don’t have CES again with my foot problem. Meanwhile I am trying to convince him that I still have nerve damage in my foot. He wants me to see yet another flipping doctor. UGH. I will but I am going to keep my tongue in check when he says there is nothing wrong with me or that I just have a case of chronic tendonitis. If he decides to put me in a damn boot he has another thing coming to him. I am not wearing a boot. I wore one for almost three months and it didn’t do shit. Well it did do something, took out my hip flexor muscle. That felt so good (insert sarcasm here) NOT!

I had a chat with my therapist today. We talked about my doubts about my book. We also talked about my fears that I have. And the more we talked, the more I didn’t want to publish. Then my editor says she is changing her policy and I freak out so I IM’d her to find out if this includes me. I sent her two chapters of my book so she can get an idea of what my writing style is. I am hoping she will be ok with it. I really want to work with her and I think she wants to work with me. I just have one more payment for her and then it still is a waiting game on when she can fit me in. But all this waiting is driving me nuts. I have decided to print off the copy of the book and there are like six blank pages. I am printing blank pages that are costing me money! DOH! I figure I can read the book again and see of something pops out at me that I should change or add to. And what is really killing me is that I emailed my book to some people and they backed out of reading it. Didn’t have the courtesy of letting me know, for a MONTH now. I am kind of pissed but I understand that life gets in the way. But they should have let me know sooner rather than later!

So my therapist wants me to get someone to read it to give me some feedback on the book before it is published. Problem is, I don’t have many “real” people to do this. I don’t have a best friend that I can talk to about this and give him or her my book and let them tell me how it is. I might have to ask someone on Facebook to help me. I don’t know who else to ask. Course most of my status posts go ignored. Course I am at the point where I think publishing is going to open a can of worms I might not be ready for. This book is very personal, like my blog. But I don’t think my family reads my blog and knows how suicidal I have been over the years or that I poop and pee my pants every now and then or that I am even transgendered. They know that I suffered from a nerve injury. They know that I am gay. They know I suffer from depression. They know I have been hospitalized numerous times but they never knew why. This book is the why. Just thinking about it is making me nervous. Part of me just wants to say the hell with the editor and hit send to publish it and another part of me wants to just delete the book. Do all writers feel like this when their baby is finished? Or is it just me because I am a suicide attempt survivor? I don’t know. I never have written a book before now. If anyone reading this can provide some input in the comments, I would be most appreciative.

My therapist thinks it’s a wonderful thing that I have written a book because no one has before. I find that hard to believe. Granted my book deals with a lot of issues and illnesses. I just hope that I can make it coherent enough to explain the different sides that all contributed to my suicidality. My therapist thinks that I should write an Epilogue to say all this stuff. But I think the intro will do that just fine. My only fear right now is that it will be too much for my editor. I don’t think she has dealt with this kind of stuff before. And I am worried that it will overwhelm her and she pulls out an all stop.

Rambling 64

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

The other day, I was at Starbucks for a long time. I had written something that I thought was good but when I typed it up last night, I found out it was terrible. UGH. I hate when that happens. I don’t think I can complete my short story on darkness. It’s hard to write about it when I don’t feel like that all the time now. I guess I should be thankful for it but I like when I am able to write good stuff while in a dark mood.

I am in pain today. I was emptying the dishwasher and banged my bad leg on it. It caused a nerve pain attack and I had to take some medicine to get it under control. My therapist rescheduled our appointment today so I can get some sleep. I still am having bad sleep and weird dreams. Last night I was dreaming about rats being born and having to fling them to crocodiles so they can be safe…don’t know the meaning of that!!

Last night my father called me to see if I had cancelled his appointment for today. I didn’t cancel it but knew because of the snow, we wouldn’t be there anyway. I also tried to tell him about his lab results but he hung up on me before I could tell him. Frustrated the hell out of me. I don’t know why I bother. And it seems he always has his girlfriend on his mind because he calls me her name. UGH!!! I have yet to meet this woman and I doubt that I will because my father just doesn’t think that way. Not that I really care but he has been seeing her for a while now and you would think that we should have met her by now.

Today’s blustery blizzard has been cancelled. HAHAHA most of the schools have been canceled for nothing. The kids have a day off because the weatherman got it wrong. Idiots. I can’t stand the weathermen. They are always different. Each one has their own view of what the weather is going to be and they are mostly 40% right. It is cold though so I won’t be going out for my latte. Course I couldn’t anyway because I banged up my leg. I might have coffee later. Yes, a cup of Pike coffee sounds delicious!

I have been in a bad mood for most of the day, before I whacked my leg. I was kind of pissed off that I was again up before eight in the morning. I can’t stand waking up that early. So when my therapist texted me to say she had to reschedule, I took a much needed nap.

I feel better now that I had some pain meds on board and had a snooze. Pain isn’t as intense as it was. It is really cold out as I found out when the Chinese food delivery guy came with my lunch. I hope it warms up somewhat tomorrow. I have to go see my PCP for my monthly pain management plan. I haven’t seen him since November because his schedule has been full. I hope he doesn’t give me a hard time. I have been doing okay pain wise for the past month or so. Today I was only in pain because whacked my leg. Not a good thing when you have a nerve injury.

a story and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I have been continuing to add to the “darkness always win” blog that I wrote the other day. I am trying to channel the inner darkness and write it out but it is very hard to do when I don’t feel that way all the time. I felt a little bit of it today so wrote some more but have not typed it up in the word doc. I am really tired. I literally spent the day at Starbucks just writing. I also went to my eye doctor who said that I have just a bad migraine without pain when my eyes don’t focus the way they should. I guess I was more worried about the appointment than I should be as I felt so relieved I almost had to take a nap afterwards. I have been up since eight. I finally got some good sleep. I am hoping to stay up late tonight so I can finish working on this darkness story.

It is cold where I live. And supposed to snow tomorrow night into the next day. I hope they are wrong as that will mean I won’t be able to go out until Thursday. I have to be careful when it snows because I can easily slip and twist my already sore ankle. I wore the AFO today and it was good to wear it as I am not in a lot of pain tonight. I hope that continues but my foot is getting colder as I am typing this. UGH I think I am going to have to take some Neurontin if it gets hot. I hate the burning of nerve pain. Nothing helps but Neurontin and sleep aids (Ativan).

I hope I am not getting sick. I have been sneezing for the last twenty minutes. I hate when I have a sneeze attack. I don’t feel ill, so that is good. But I am tired. I don’t know if I am going to make it till nine tonight but I got to try and stay up late because otherwise I will wake up at three in the morning. That’s not fun! I swear, since losing my job, my sleep cycle has gotten worse because I have no set schedule anymore. I am tired I lie down and if I sleep, so be it. If I wake up in the middle of the night, so be it. I just play my game and be up a few hours and then go back to sleep. Granted it gets more complicated by pain, but lately, my pain levels have been, well all over the place. One day I won’t have any pain and the next it will be soaring high. I think since taking the Neurontin the other night, my pain has been less or I don’t think about it as much. It still throbs every day regardless. It just the level of throbbing that gets to me. Right now it’s at a level of 3 on a scale of 1-10. That could change when my foot warms up and I am ready to sleep. Also for some reason my right foot has been giving me grief in the morning. Naproxen has been able to control it for now but usually, once I start moving about, the pain stops. I think it’s just a muscle thing. I hope it’s not a fascititis thing as that will never go away! I hate it when my left foot gets really cold. I have a sock on it and it is under a comforter and sheets. Just not looking forward to the warm up part of it. I go through this almost every night. It gets cold, then really hot and finally I have to sleep with the foot hanging off the bed because anything that touches the foot will hurt like hell. Classic nerve pain or CRPS. I don’t know which diagnosis I prefer. I just know that either is painful enough to send me into a suicidal crisis if severe enough. And I am not talking about a level of 3. I am talking an 8+ or when there is no level to describe the pain.

I have finally figured out a way to pay off the editor sooner rather than later. My mother has decided to lessen the amount this month that I give her. With this money, though I am supposed to use it for my membership to the AAS, I have decided to pay off the editor so it’s not hanging on my head anymore and maybe that will be incentive for her to push up my number or something. I just want to publish my book and sooner rather than later before the doubts that I am having take hold full force. Because once I hit the send button or publish button, I can’t stop it. Screaming at the computer screen to cancel is not going to work. I have done that with text messages and other emails. You hit send, that is it. It is on the web forever. And I don’t think there is an eraser button for the internet.