Tag: chronic physical pain

still in a foul mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Still in a foul mood

Woke up early again today. Seems my bladder likes to be relieved before seven these days. Then I am up for most of the day. I am not happy about this new arrangement but if it means not wetting myself, then I will do it. Lord knows how many times I have had dreams about going to the bathroom and actually peeing. How I have not wet the bed so far is a complete miracle that I am guessing I am blessed with CES for the retention it gives me. I guess that is the only blessing CES has given me.

I went to my “happy place” (aka Starbucks) and it didn’t make me happy. I had a good new latte called Caramel Flan. It is not too sweet but very caramelly. If you love caramel, I highly recommend it. I then started my journaling but kept on getting distracted because my earbud on my right ear kept popping out. Every few minutes I had to push it back in. So annoying. It made it hard to write anything. So I just went on Facebook and Twitter. When I finished that I left. I was going to go to the grocery store to pick up some more powerade but I missed the bus and had to wait for half hour for the next one. I just decided to wait for the bus to take me home instead. I really need to call Sallie Mae to get my loan payment reduced or deferred. So I am going to call them after I blog this. I have been putting it off because of the holidays but now I can no longer do that.

My mood is terrible and I might start an argument with the person. I don’t care. I don’t have any extra money to pay them right now. I can barely get by on my income as it is. I am on a strict budget with paying the editor and not being able to eat out is killing me. It is a necessity right now that I eat at home but I do enjoy not cooking and just placing an order for delivery. I think most people enjoy that but I no longer have that luxury, least for now.

I know yesterday I had thoughts of death in my last blog. I woke up with them again today. Seems no matter how much I try to keep them out, they creep back in. It doesn’t mean that I am suicidal. I am not planning my death, though if the higher power wants to take me now, I wouldn’t mind it. My family might but I wouldn’t. Seems my family is becoming more dependent on me being home than ever. I being asked to babysit more and to take my father to his doctors appointments. I don’t mind doing it but I also like to stay in my room and be shut out from the world. Since not being able to work, I have not gone to Boston.com for news. The only news I get is from Facebook/Twitter. So it no one posts a big story, I am not likely to get it or know about it. I do get YahooNews on my twitter account but I have not read a paper in years. I used to like reading the Sunday paper at work. It was a good way for me to keep up on things and check out the new books that come out. Now unless I see a book on a show or promoted through twitter, I am not going to know about it. Or through my favorite authors. I think that is the best way to promote is by social media.

I cannot wait for March. I can finally get my tablet off my phone bill and will be saving fifty dollars a month. My phone bill will finally be affordable on my new income. I still will be able to use the tablet, least I think I will. As long as I have Wi-Fi connection, I should be ok. As it is, I don’t use it much. And it is considered a dinosaur now so I doubt anyone would want it except for recycling or something. I might still keep it as I have Kindle books on there.

I don’t know why I am in such a sour mood. I know sleep has something to do with it. I can’t stand it. I hate being down because I know there is nothing that can be done about it. But at least it isn’t sucking the energy from me. But I think it is only a matter of time before it sucks my motivation. I still have to write my few pages for the new book today. I still have no idea what I am going to write. If nothing comes to me, I will just edit what I have.

One thing that pisses me off about my mood being low is that there is no reason why I should be depressed, unless I am still grieving for my friend but I don’t really think that is it. Whatever it is, I hope that it goes away soon and I go back to my midlevel depression. Because this foul mood sucks.

In a foul mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

In a foul mood

I woke up early yet again today. It seems that I am not destined to sleep past six in the morning anymore. I woke up with cramps in my foot so took some muscle relaxers. I was not happy. I am now cold and just so angry for some reason.

I played my game and now I think I am going to take a nap. Foot is being a bastard so I might as well pop some pain pills to make sure it doesn’t get worse. I am just so annoyed. For the first time in months I am thinking about dying again. I am not suicidal, just thinking about what it would be like if I were dead. I know I am headed toward the abyss. I have been trying to stave it off as long as possible. I had a good night last night with my Patriots winning their game. Now I just want to sleep. With any luck, maybe I just won’t wake up.

Today is…

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Today is…

Today my high school friend is being laid to rest as her son watches idly by. I went to the wake yesterday to pay my respects and to say goodbye. No one knew who I was but that was ok. I had hoped to see some former classmates but I guess I was too early for them. I didn’t cry as it was a closed casket. Seeing her would have made it more real. I hope that she is no longer suffering and that she is at peace. After paying my respects, I left. It was good timing as I was tired from walking down several blocks to the funeral home and the bus came a few minutes after I left. I didn’t have to stand and wait too long. The reception line was long and I had to stand for more than twenty minutes. It took it’s toll on me but it was worth it.

Today is my therapist and I thirteenth year anniversary. I won’t write a “back to history blog” like I did for my niece. I don’t remember most of what we talked about this week let alone thirteen years. It has been a long thirteen years but I wouldn’t have chosen any other therapist to help me along the way.

Today is also my mother’s birthday. I feel bad because I normally get her some flowers on her birthday and then an idea struck of getting her a sub from her favorite sub shop. That scored me points. LOL. Granted the sub isn’t as pretty as flowers but she was happy just the same.

Depression as struck me hard this week. It happened Monday night while I was in severe pain. It hasn’t let up since. I woke up in pain this morning, which is always “lovely”. It’s more like a cramp that won’t go away. I hate it. Dealing with the pain and depression together is very challenging. The depression just swooped in on me because god forbid the lucky feeling that I was feeling on Monday should last. God forbid if I should have any positive feelings. That is why when I do, I don’t trust them to stay around. I might not be in a pit of depression but I’m close to it. I’m hoping it’s just the grief of the loss of my friend but I was down before I found out she passed away. But at least I am writing again. There were two days this week I didn’t write or blog at all. It was the first time in more than a year that I skipped a blog post for two consecutive days. I just didn’t care. I had no motivation to get out of bed let along write. Usually I force myself to write something everyday as it helps me but I was too exhausted, mentally, to do that. I just said the hell with it. Nothing was coming to me anyways. It would have been painful to pull something out and I hate it when that happens. How is it painful? It’s like trying to pull out a tooth with no anesthesia. To force myself would have hurt me. I hate writing under that type of pressure. I want my writing to be free flowing, not forced.

I wish I could have that feeling back, that feeling of being lucky and happy. It seems so fleeing now. I can barely remember what it was like. I know that I felt good. Seems like every time I have a good day it’s always followed by depression. At least the depression isn’t the “walk in the mud” type. It’s more of a sleep type where I don’t want to get out of bed and all I want to do is sleep. Trouble is that the sleep isn’t restful. It just makes me more tired and useless. Like everything else I do, it takes so much effort and energy to do something. I’m not going to get my coffee today. I really need to rest my ankle today. When I went out to get my mother her sub, I can feel that it didn’t like me walking, even with the AFO on. The AFO is an ankle/foot orthotic that makes me walk correctly. If I had gotten it way back when, I might not have been on the road to disability. Course the way things are now, I doubt I would still be on the road to being an author if I was still working. Those are the “what ifs”.

My pain seems to have lessened since early this morning. As usual, I am wicked exhausted. Pain just takes a lot out of you and you don’t even realize it until it is gone, or at least simmered down. I really want to take a nap but am afraid that I will be up all night if I do.

not in a good mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I have been in a depressed state the last few days. It has never affected my writing before but this time it has and that scares me. I found out that a classmate of mine died yesterday. Wake is today and I want to go. I have to travel by T (public transportation) as it is wicked cold and services are in the evening. It is going to be a long day.

I haven’t written in my new book the past few days either. I just can’t seem to focus. The energy that I had on Monday is gone. Seems like it went out the same time my friend’s life did. I am really sad. I am not sure what she died of, people have just been saying complications due to diabetes but what those complications were, no one knows. I read on one page that she needed a kidney. She and I were the same blood type. If I had known sooner, I could have helped out. I feel really bad about this but my therapist says given my health issues it wouldn’t have been possible. At least I could say I tried. Now I am just left wondering.

I don’t know why I am writing this. I am not in a good mood. But I felt like I had to write as it has been almost three days and that is quite unusual for me. I knew that if I didn’t write something today, I might not come back to it. I might write another blog about the wake experience. I am having another therapy session today. I don’t know why I asked for one. I am not in the mood today to talk. I am just really grumpy and I don’t know why.

My therapist keeps asking me if I am suicidal. I am not, I truly am not. Monday I had a bad pain spell. And it left me feeling more depressed than I thought it would. It’s going on three days now. I don’t know what I will wear for this wake. I want to go but yet I don’t. I don’t know if my dress up clothes will fit me. It has been a long time since I have worn them. And the temperature is still in the twenties. Probably will dip after the sun goes down. BBBRRRRRR.