Tag: chronic physical pain

the waiting game

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I slept for about six hours before I woke up again to pain. I took some more meds and went back to sleep a few hours later. I don’t know why it took almost two hours for it to work. Usually within an hour I am zonked. Anyways, I am still hurting and swollen but not as much as it was last night. I am kind of in a pissed/depressed mood because I can’t go anywhere. I just came back from going to Walgreens and think that was too much.

A friend of mine called yesterday to invite me to dinner Monday night but I don’t think I will be able to make it if my foot is not better. I won’t put myself in the position of not being able to walk the distance I have to. Plus Monday I need to go with my father to get his blood work done again. They need to repeat some values as his liver function is compromised. I won’t go into detail as to why.

I really wanted to get my hair cut today but there is no way I can walk down the street. Just going to the store has caused me tremendous pain. I don’t see my primary until next Friday. I hope that this clears up by then, whatever it is.

When I did wake up later this afternoon, I woke up feeling dizzy. I thought it was because I had not eaten or drank anything all day so had something to eat and drink. Didn’t help. I think I might go back to bed. I don’t know why I feel like I am hung over. I think it might just be that I am dehydrated and once I drink some water, I will be ok. I really need to stay off my foot. This so sucks. I mean normally my foot always hurts but this is different. It feels like I am stepping on something but it could just be that my foot is so swollen that is what I am stepping on. It’s just so frustrating. And because my foot has nerve damage, I can’t decipher what is really going on with my foot. There is no break in the skin, I didn’t bang it, nor did I do anything out of the ordinary to cause this. It might have been that I stepped wrong when I took my little tumble on the stairs on Monday but I mostly banged my hip. But I am going to just treat it like a sprain and just ice and elevate it.

I still have my stupid menses. This is going on three weeks now. I am just so frustrated and pissed off. Sadly there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to let it run its course. I stopped taking the pill this week hoping that would speed things up but it hasn’t. I am hoping it goes away in the next few days because I am planning on restarting the pill on Sunday.

I made a couple of web appointments for ophthalmology. Funny thing is they wanted you to pick a doctor but how can you pick a doctor when you don’t know any of them?? So I picked one out of the twenty or so and hope that it is the one that can figure out my problem. Now I just have to wait for the office to call me back. I hate the waiting game.

rambling 061

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I did nothing today. Tried to get caught up with my DVR shows that I recorded. Watched about four shows then got bored. I don’t know how I can watch four straight hours of baseball with no problem but can’t watch TV shows. I used to be able to watch them all night long. I don’t know what has changed. It is weird.

My mood has been quiet all day. I woke up around noon time. I had another bad night sleeping. I knew I was going to be in pain and kept waking up with it. Today, the pain is not so bad. I still hurt but it is manageable. I will be going to bed soon anyways. Think I am going to read a little until I pass out.

My mother baked all day so the house was full of baking smells. She made my birthday cake and some other goodies. I was able to talk her into getting a pizza for supper. She said that is my Christmas gift.

I think the extra mood stabilizer is helping. I knew it would. I have not been agitated all day or hyper/restless. I do have to take my night time meds soon. I can’t believe the day is gone. I don’t know where time went. I did help my mother with some of the baking, but other than that and watching my shows, I don’t know where the day went. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow. And I am dreading Monday.

I got to find my DVD case. I want to watch “It’s a wonderful life”. It’s my favorite Christmas movie, right next to the “Christmas Carol”. I am going to see if the Patrick Stewart version will be playing this year. I might have missed it but I am hoping it will be on now that it is closer to Christmas. It is probably the only version that I have not seen.

My viewership is down the past few days. I barely have made twenty views a day. I am kind of saddened by this. I was doing good for a while, getting close to thirty and now it is next to nothing. My viewer from Taiwan hasn’t viewed my blog in the last week or two. I hope that person comes back. I like when I get international followers.

I have not heard from my writing friend over the last few days, ever since we said we were going to take a writing break. I hope it is because of computer problems and not my response to her email. It is strange not hearing from her. She could also be having problems with her email so I just sent it to another email, just in case there is a problem. Or maybe she is just too busy to respond to my emails. That could be it too.

I am worried about two friends. If they are reading this I hope they know that I think about them frequently, even if I don’t always call them. One is about to have surgery and will be temporarily become a quad. I am worried what this will do to his mental health more than anything. The other friend is having family issues and mentioned in an email that she is thinking of taking her life. I don’t know what to do. I know she emails once a day so I am hoping to hear from her tomorrow. I haven’t seen her on Facebook today but my news feed is so clogged with my games I might have missed her post if she posted. Even on my phone I am getting games feed. I never used to before the stupid fucking updates and other Facebook changes they have made. I can’t hide the feed because then I won’t be able to get rewards. But I hope my friend is ok and hasn’t done anything rash.

Sucky day part 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Almost decided not to blog today. Having a rough day. For the first time in almost 21 years I feel like my psychiatrist does get that I am ill. I told her today, I wanted to go up on my mood stabilizer because I have been wicked up and down and all around. Last night to top off my wicked sucky day, I got hit with a mixed state that had agitation and restlessness mixed with the need to write. I told her that I was going nuts and she said I can’t do that. She won’t increase my meds just have me take the trilafon and Ativan when I need to. I am so frustrated with her. I think the extra mood stabilizer is what I need right now to tamper things down. I am only escalating. And usually this time of year, I am in a deep depression that has me walking in mud. Well no mud today. I walked all over town today, well more than I usually do and now I am paying for it but I don’t care. I had to get the agitation/frustration out of my system somehow. I know that things are going to get worse if I don’t get a handle on them now. If I end up in the hospital, I am going to tell her “told you so”. I did forget to tell her about my menses. She became really concerned when I told her I was having trouble with my vision. She wants me to see an ophthalmologist. I will make the appointment after the New Year. She doesn’t know if it is the medication or not. My luck the doc will just call it atypical migraine and be done with me.

When I came home, I took my meds. Then I had to pick up my niece. I am beyond tired and hope that I sleep tonight. I know I am probably not going anywhere tomorrow because I will be too sore. If this throbbing that I am feeling now is any indication. I know it’s going to get worse after eight. I am not looking forward to it. I can’t even stand long enough to change out of my jeans and into my PJs. This so sucks. I know I brought it on myself but it felt good walking again. It doesn’t feel good right now, but I didn’t have pain when I was walking around town. Picking up my niece did make things worse but that is my fault. I forgot my sister told me so if she didn’t text me, I would be in big trouble right now. I also did the walking without my AFO so not sure that was a good idea or not. I had to have steady snow shoes on because there still is a lot of ice and snow on the ground.

I don’t think I will have a mixed state tonight because I am so tired. The walk wore me out and going the extra few blocks to pick up my niece from her after school care program really did me in. But I have the weekend to chill. I really just hope that I don’t wake up one of these nights before Monday. I just don’t want to deal with my birthday. I used to love it and the Christmas days. I would see my family three days in a row, well my father’s side anyways. It was always fun. Now I don’t. And I think my godmother forgot my birthday again this year as I didn’t get a card from her like I usually do. Since my uncle died, I haven’t been getting a card every year. I really miss his handwriting. It was the neatest script. I also really miss him, too.

I really want to take myself out somewhere for my birthday. Just go to a good restaurant. I might take my niece as her birthday is the fourth of Jan. When I was working, I used to take my “kids” out for their birthday as they hated getting a book from me. I figured a book never gets out of style like clothes do or games/toys.

I still am upset about my psychiatrist. I think I am going to increase the med anyways. I am the one that has to live like this not her. And if I want to do something, I am going to do it. Last night I thought definitively there were rats in my room (it was just the radiator kicking on). That is how spaced out I was. Luckily I was able to talk to a fellow blogger friend that understands. She really helped me get through the night so my meds could kick in and work. I am glad I have friends like that.

In other news, I got a weird question on my Facebook page. They wanted to know what topic my book is. Obviously, this person has not been following my blog.

Sucky Sucky Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Sucky Sucky Day

My day started with waking up at four in the morning to pain in my right foot, which made my left jealous, so it decided to hurt too. I couldn’t take two pain pills because I had to be up in a few hours for the dreaded appt with dad. So I just took one and finally fell asleep for about an hour before my mother woke me up at 7. I have had shitty sleep the past four fricken weeks. I don’t remember the last time I slept for more than 6 hours straight. My average has been five hours a night. Doesn’t matter what time I get to bed, it is always about five hours. When I did get up before my alarm went off, my feet were still hurting me. Luckily I knew my right would tamper off once I started moving about. My left was up in the air as to whether it would comply with walking or not.

Went to my dad’s appointment and my dad, the juvenile that he is, proceeded to show me every cut on his face that he made with his razor. Are you kidding me? He is eighty-one years old. I told him he needed a new razor and he told me that the new razor is what caused it. UGH. Surprisingly, we didn’t have to wait too long for the doctors. Everything looks fine and we get to come back in three months for another follow up visit. Great. Too bad I still got to deal with my father next week too.

I got home about a half hour before my therapy appointment. And thank goodness I was home. I got the runs and I guess sharted myself without, of course, realizing it. That blew my temper. I also am now in another fucking mense cycle so that added to my joy. If I had a gun, I know I would have used it by now. My therapist would have been waiting for me to text her back and then worry when I wouldn’t answer the phone.

But the day is not done yet…on the way home, I got a wicked sense of paranoia/foreboding. Luckily by the time I got to the station it went away. I talked about it with my therapist and she said to add it to the list of things to talk about with my therapist. Fine. A couple hours later, I am back on Facebook and my vision blurs out. I cannot focus my stupid eyes on anything, even with my glasses on. The back of my neck hurts and then WHAM, I am hit with an ice pick in my eye, classic for migraine city. I am like you got to be fucking kidding me. I am laying down, trying to rest after dosing myself with my migraine medicine and aspirin, when my sister calls me to let me know she is home with my mother’s groceries. So up and down the stairs I go, a half a dozen trips. My ankle LOVES ME NOW! NOT!! My ankle is killing me. My head exploded and then I felt sick to my stomach. I thought I was going to puke. Laying down made things worse so I had to sit up in bed with the lights out. Luckily the damn sun was doing down so my room got really dark. I keep it that way anyways because I am so sensitive to light that any brightness will trigger a migraine attack. My head finally cleared up when I decided to blog, otherwise there probably would not be a blog today. I wouldn’t be able to see what I was writing as my vision was so impaired. I really hate when my migraines cut my vision like that. It is really scary.

The best part of the day though was when my thumb started doing its twitching thing. I kept thinking it was my imagination (like I hoped it would be), until I placed it on the laptop and then my hand started twitching. Fuck. Now I really have to say something to my doctor about it. HA, but which doctor should I choose: psychiatrist (could be side effects), neurologist, or Primary? I don’t see my neuro till April and it doesn’t happen all the time. But it is getting more frequent in nature. I am not sure what it is. It could be nothing but a spasm or maybe carpel tunnel? As if I don’t have enough to worry about…