Tag: chronic physical pain

another day in the life of the midnightdemon

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I can’t say that I am having a good day today. I woke up wicked early today, again, after only sleeping a few hours. I was able to get in a little nap after my therapy appointment.

I still am not looking forward to tomorrow. Just the thought of spending all day at the doctor’s office is driving me nuts. And what is worse is I know my father will make it worse. You can read because he has to aggravate you so no use bringing a book. Sometimes I can get away with doing stuff on my phone but that entertainment only lasts for so long before I get bored. And the thing is I get to deal with him not only tomorrow but three days next week, My birthday, Christmas eve, and Christmas Day. I really hate next week.

Sadly, my menses have returned. It’s partially my fault as I forgot to refill the prescription until Monday. Next time I won’t throw away the package like I did last time and it will serve as a reminder for me. I usually am able to remember but I am human and forget. I just hope this stuff doesn’t last long as I hate wearing female underwear. It is totally irritating me. I so wish you can wear feminine products in boxers but you can’t. This isn’t going to go well with my psychiatrist Friday. But there is nothing I can do. I missed a pill. Got to pay the consequences. It still sucks.

I don’t remember what I talked about with my therapist, just that the session seemed to go on forever. I was medicated with pain meds so my brain was foggy. My ankle bone has been hurting me all day. I know we talked about the blog I wrote yesterday. She laughed at the part where I called her fungus. I think she might have taken a little offense to it but didn’t want to show it. I volunteered to edit it but she said that it was my creativeness and to let it be. She also received my packet of letters I sent her last week but hasn’t read them yet. Those are some dire letters she has. It was during my wicked down week. I think we also talked about commitment to living statement but I am not sure. I know I sent her a copy of the example but I didn’t mean for it to be taken as I am putting it in effect. We have to discuss the parameters before I can do that. She wanted my signature on the paper. She is nuts. I am not going to sign something that I didn’t agree to. That is just dumb.

We also talked about my suicidality in the blog. She is surprised I was able to write such a thing after I sent her a wicked nasty text saying I had enough, that I was going to kill myself the next day. I wonder what my psychiatrist thinks of my blog I wrote yesterday. I haven’t heard from her. That either means she read it and didn’t respond or she hasn’t gotten to it yet. Sometimes I can email her and she will respond right away and other times it takes her a while. I also sent the blog to a friend of mine but haven’t heard back from him either. It is so frustrating to send out something so personal and yet get no response.

I seem to be having one week up and then one week down. I don’t like this. Soon it will be a daily event where I cycle. I am not terribly up, like manic up, but when I am down, I am down for the count. I don’t want to do anything. I haven’t left my house all week. I can’t even tell you what day I did leave the house. I think it was Saturday before the snow storm to get some chicken patties so I could make a sandwich. That was it. To the grocery store and back. I did make a short trip to Walgreens to get my prescription on Monday. But other than that, I haven’t really left the house for anything. It’s been too cold and icy out. I can’t risk spraining my ankle. And we got more snow last night so I didn’t venture out today. I will have to go out tomorrow. I set my alarm for 7 as I need to leave the house by 8:30. I hope I don’t have a late night like I did last night. I didn’t go to bed till after 2 am and still woke up at fricken 7. I hate that.

Reflections on the Year

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Reflections on the year

This time last year I was deeply in physical pain and psychological pain and in the throws of a yet another nasty depression. I was asked to do a writing project for a friend and I didn’t think I would make it. I was sure by this time, on this date, I would be dead. And if I happened to be alive on Dec 17th, I would surely die by my own hand. I promised myself that if things were still the same, that this heaviness that I felt in my chest were not gone, that the pain in my ankle/leg/foot were not decreased, I was going to end things, permanently.

This year, things are still not a hundred percent better but things are less. My depressions are bearable when they hit. I have Wil Wheaton to thank for giving me the tidbit that my brain is not working right and that things will pass and be better tomorrow. My suicidality, though still a deep part of my soul, has decreased to the point where it is just thoughts I ruminate over and then give up. I figured out with the help of some books that this is always going to be a struggle for me, that my depression and pain are always going to be there. But like a former therapist said to me, you don’t always have to act on what you are feeling. These days, I am a little bit more hopeful about the future, though I don’t always see it. I still get hopeless every once in a while but it doesn’t last forever like it once did. I find that writing my blog has been a life saver for me. Mr. Hyde hasn’t come around in almost two months now and for that I am grateful. I have people in my life that have helped me see that I can succeed, even though I am disabled. It took a long time for me to accept my disability. Took longer to grieve it. But eventually, when I realized that part of the depression and suicidality was the grief I was not mourning, I took it apart piece by piece and wrote about it. There was nothing I could do about the pain except wait for the pain meds to work and for that I grateful that I have it. Also emailing my psychiatrist about the depth I was in helped as well. I don’t know if I am still going to have the same doc in 2014 and that scares me. I know that getting pain medication is going to be harder to get with new doctors and even harder as government rules will dictate the rules for prescribing rather than relying on clinical judgments. I don’t know what I will do then. But that is not my worry for today.

I don’t know what brought about the change. Maybe it was having a daily contact with someone miles away from me, urging me to continue my writing and work on a book. Maybe it was a little of owning the depression and taking charge of it, that it doesn’t have to rule my life like it would love to. I just know that I feel differently than I did a year ago. And though the impulses to kill myself are still a threat, I have a therapist that is behind me like a fungus that won’t go away. I really doubt without her countless sessions I would still be here. She really has been the one person that I can always rely on to be there when my mood is dark and gray. We might have our arguments about treatment but I know that she believes in me that things aren’t always going to be so bleak. I guess I have more people in my life now that believe that I can do things where last year I didn’t think I was going to survive my own lethality. I have been tested a few times this year to end my life. I have made several plans before today to end my life this year. My therapist can account for that. Though I have only had one psychotic break this year that required hospitalization. My hospitalizations have been fewer in recent years than they were in the past. I think that is more because I don’t think they help as they once did and that is a shame. You don’t get the care I once relied on.

Lastly, I have to thank country music for without listening to the same songs over and over for hours of despair, I doubt I would be able to make it though the horrible nights when I couldn’t sleep, either because of pain or despair or both. It is the one genre that I can relate to every song and let my brain do the escaping when I was writhing in agony. From songs like “water tower” by Jason Aldean to “Crash my party” by Luke Bryan, to Taylor’s endless songs and lastly to the other artists that I have followed but are not so popular, Casey James and Cassadee Pope. Without music, the heart just doesn’t heal from pain.

having a bad day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

Having a bad day

I woke up in pain, again. This is the third or fourth morning where my foot has woken me up from a sound sleep. I took some pills to get some relief but unfortunately, I was not going back to sleep. Every noise in the house kept me up. Then my mother’s phone rang. Then the damn smoke detectors went off for some reason I still haven’t figured out yet. Because this noise is far louder than the phone, it scared me and forced me out of bed. When I knew the house wasn’t truly on fire or my mother had left the gas burner on again, I had something to eat and then played on my laptop. I have been playing the same annoying game. I don’t know why I can’t quit it. No one will know but I want to complete the damn missions and it gives me something to do.

I am in a depressed state, a deeply depressed state. I really want to end my life. I find no use for living anymore. I hate being in pain all the time. And then we have Tuesday coming up. A day that I planned a year ago to end my life by if things weren’t better. Things are some what better than they were a year ago. I am not as suicidal or depressed (except for my current state) as I was a year ago. I find that I don’t write depressing messages on Facebook anymore. I will, however, tweet them. I have a book that is done and is ready to be published. I just need an editor to look over anything that I have missed. I am actually looking forward to things, though right now, I can’t say what I am looking forward to. Things just look dreary and dark. I am not looking forward to Christmas or my birthday, both are next week. But Tuesday I am planning on having a day with Crown Royal and drink my sorrows away. I have a ¼ of a bottle left. I doubt I will get very drunk.

I am tired of feeling this way. Maybe I should be dead. My sister said to me the other day that there is no “mental illness on my mother’s side of the family”. It took all that I had in me not to laugh in her face. HELLO, I wanted to scream at her. What about me?? What about your cousins that suffer from anxiety, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia? Aren’t they on your mother’s side??? Talk about complete blindness and denial.

I really want to commit suicide. I have dreamed about it for so long. Why can’t I go ahead with it? Why am I such a coward? I do nothing day in and day out. I have nothing but this blog to keep me going. I feel like I have to write every day or I will lose my mind. I stopped writing in my journal. I don’t seem to have very much to say after I blog. It’s all the same isn’t it except what I journal doesn’t get posted on the internet.

I know that I have another book to write. I don’t know exactly what that will be yet as it is supposed to be co-authored. But I don’t care. One book will be enough for me. I can’t write anything else. Once you write about your memoirs, you can’t write another. Unless at least thirty years go by or something and I know I am not going to be around for the next thirty years. I will be lucky if I make it past this week. I am so tired of fighting myself every day. I am more tired of dealing with pain every day. Today was bad. Still is as the day isn’t over yet. I know part of it is because of the snow storm that hit. I haven’t gone outside nor do I want to. I just realized I have to deal with my father yet again for another stinking doctor’s appointment, all because the asshole lies all the time and won’t give a straight answer. So if his doctor tells him something he is not going to a) remember it or B) deny it and just say that he is “fine”. I don’t know how I got to be the one to go to these appointments. All the more reason I should kill myself. Just so I don’t have to deal with an ornery bastard.

I still have to hear back from my therapist about my sessions or lack thereof this week. I really don’t want sessions this week. I rather deal with this on my own. I do anyways.

let it snow, let it snow

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome

Let it Snow, Let it Snow…

I went to the store early this morning to get some food for the weekend. I have been dying to try out a chipotle mayonnaise on a chicken sandwich. Today I finally made it and it was so good. I also did some shopping for my mother who needed milk.

My day started off early as I woke up at six. My foot acted up about a half hour later so I took some pills and went back to sleep. I thought I would chronicle the day but I realized I already had a blog called a day in the life of the midnight demon so I nixed it.

I have been in a relatively ok mood. It’s neither good nor bad, kind of in between. I still am fretting over what my therapist will do/say about me taking this week off and then her being off the next two weeks. But I guess I will find out Monday, that is if the snow doesn’t cancel school. I will be pissed if that happens. It started snowing around 3 and is supposed to continue until tomorrow. My back is not liking this weather at all. I am having a flare up and sciatic pain in my left buttock. I just took something for it because I don’t want it to get worse.

I am concerned about a fellow blogger. She is having some psychotic symptoms that are out of control but because of some issues with an upcoming vacation, she can’t go in the hospital, where I think is where she needs to be as she is getting worse not better with the increase in medication. I am really worried because I know how bad things can get with psychosis and paranoia. Been there, done that. But I am not her so I can’t make judgments of the hospital kind, only express my concern. I hope this quiets down for her and she gets better soon. I also wish there was a better system for her other than just going to the ER because it is the weekend. I always have my pdoc on call in emergencies. But I guess not everyone has that and that is a shame.

I haven’t heard from my writing partner in a few days. I hope things are ok with her. I know she had a speaking engagement yesterday but was expecting an email today at least. But she usually takes the weekend off from email. I don’t know if I could do that. I am almost always on the laptop, playing games and such so it would be hard for me to ignore an email if I got one. Plus my friend usually emails me before we set up a time to meet up so it is kind of good that I don’t keep off the email on weekends.

Wind is rattling the windows. And it is so fricken cold. I don’t know what my mother did but she turn the gas on a pilot and didn’t light it. I came out of my room and smelled gas. I didn’t use the stove today so I know I didn’t turn any knobs accidently. I opened a window to let the smell out for a few minutes but she closed it while I took a shower. The kitchen is the coldest room because my asshole cousins didn’t put enough insulation when they were rebuilding it. We also have a crummy radiator that works when it wants to. The heating system is a joke. We have to turn it on to 70 for the house to get warm, 80 to get it hot. We have gas heat, which I find more convenient than oil heat. I grew up with oil heat and I hated it because you had to have at least $300 (USD) to get a decent amount of fuel in the tank and that was a lot of money when you were on welfare. I am sure the cost is more now than it was back then. I feel for those that can’t afford heat. I know what it is like to be cold. We were never on the streets or close to it but the house I grew up in was drafty and my room had no radiator. So I had to pile on the blankets to keep warm during the winter. I didn’t mind it as I liked my room being drafty and cool. It was better than it being too warm. But since getting my nerve injury, I can no longer tolerate either hot nor cold. The cold weather causes spasms and arthritic pain. Hot weather, I just can’t tolerate, at all. That is why I need the AC. I used to love the cold but it doesn’t like me anymore.