Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

being in pain is exhausting

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

A fellow blogger recently wrote about things being all or nothing. That phrase has been stuck in my head since I read it because it is so true. We all have this idea that we should do things and complete the tasks we all set out to do in our minds. No one is telling us to do these things (unless you have commanding voices). But when you have physical illness, we forget our limitations to follow through what our mind wants and thinks we should do. Yesterday I went and got my breakfast at McDonalds and then had my coffee at Starbucks. It was 9 in the morning so I had plenty of time to kill before my therapy appointment at 12:30. I came home around 11 and just chilled until my appointment time. I was also waiting for a friend to email for our blog exchange. After therapy and after my friend exchanged our blogs, I had to pick up my niece. I walked the 8-9 blocks to the school and back. I let her watch TV and have a couple of snacks before I ordered pizza for dinner. Then had her do her homework and watched her until her father came home a few hours later. By 7 pm I was exhausted. I tried to watch the game but it proved to be too much for me. So I made my last trek up the stairs to my room for the night and checked a my email for the night when WHAM my foot started spazzing and exploded in pain. It got really bad because when I held my foot to sort of message it out, I could feel the muscles twitch. I had a horrible night of pain. And it drove me crazy. At one point, I had an out of body experience where I didn’t think my foot was mine. The pain got worse instead of better, even though I had taken pain medication. I seriously got suicidal and wanted to OD on everything I had but I couldn’t get up off my bed to do it. I eventually went to sleep.

This morning when I woke up I still was in pain. I have been battling the pain all day. I knew I had only one thing I could do today. I could either go to the grocery store to get some stuff or I could go and get my one cup of coffee. I decided to go to the grocery store and now I am totally done for the day. My toes look like Vienna sausages and my ankle/foot is throbbing like no tomorrow. I took my pain meds so I am going to pass out now. My goal of writing four pages is not going to be met. I hope when I wake up I can do something more but for now I need sleep. Being in pain is exhausting.

hard day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I have been having a bad day. I am still in a lot of pain with my ankle. I didn’t get to sleep till after one in the morning and then my phone kept on going off. Some idiot that is an unknown number calls me at 08:40 every single morning. And then will call me an hour or two later. I was too lazy to turn over and shut my sound off. I got up around eleven and took some pain meds and I was completely gone for the day, as what usually happens when I take my pain meds during the day. Funny now that I think about it, this same reaction doesn’t happen at night. I don’t understand why as I am taking the same dose. Weird.

Because my writing partner has taken today off, I decided I would too. It is a holiday after all. And my pain is making it impossible to think anyways.

I have therapy tomorrow. I am sort of looking forward to it. I really just want to spend the day sleeping like I did today. I don’t want to do anything tomorrow. It is too fricken muggy and hot in the house to do anything and I stay in my room anyways. I do need to go out. I need to get some half and half for my coffee. I didn’t have any coffee today because I didn’t want it. I can go days without coffee. I like having it but it’s not a necessity. Some days I wake up and feel the need to have it.

Last night I was listening to Luke Bryan’s CD for most of the night. I found that I couldn’t turn it off and it wasn’t until I got really sleepy did I shut it off. They say that music can be addicting and I think I am addicted. I have to listen to music everyday. It doesn’t matter what I listen to. Right now it’s Luke but that might change over the next few days and I will go back to my mixed playlist.

I had a real hard time last night as the pain was driving me nuts. I wrote a second blog that turned into an email. I sent it to my support group. I just got belittled. I felt like they didn’t validate my feelings. I was in a very vulnerable state. Some did validate it but some didn’t. Then I found myself getting angry. And I had no idea why I was seeing red. I don’t know why I was getting so upset. These people know what I am going through because they have been there. So I have no idea why I was getting so angry. I still am kind of angry and want to just go off. I think I am just displacing my anger at myself to them. I just felt really bad that I couldn’t go out to see my friend last night because I was in such horrid pain. I sent him an email and then I had a meltdown. I could not stop crying for almost an hour. I never cry. But I just had this overwhelming sadness. Sadness that I couldn’t control. Sadness that hit me like a ton of bricks. I was no longer the person that could do everything and it hurt. I wanted to do so much yesterday and could only do two things. I ran out of spoons. And I found it hard to live with that.

good day turned bad

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain

I was pretty excited this morning and energetic for the first time in I don’t know how long. But pain kept me from doing all that I set out to do today. I really got depressed and cried for almost an hour because I had plans to go to a movie with a friend and had to cancel on him. This is the second week that I had to do this to him because my pain levels were high. I wanted to make cupcakes today and that was a flop because after I went to the store to get the ingredients and supplies, I was just in too much pain to stand, let alone do much else. My sister had a BBQ today so I tried to attend that and just sit and rest but sitting caused me more pain. And it was hot and muggy today. Even though my sister had the AC on my fricken stupid aunt got “cold” and made me turn it off. I got so pissed off as I can’t stand the heat. This condition (CES) has left me so heat intolerant it literally boils my blood and my temper. I had to go back to the confines of my room where I have been for the past several hours. I had to stand for a few minutes to take my night time meds and now I am in wicked bad pain again. I feel like such a loser because things were going so well and now I am hurting and am a sobbing mess. I have been looking forward to doing something, anything, since I got the recipe for these cupcakes and now they will have to wait. I hope they come out good when I finally make them. I just don’t know when that day will come. I am so tired of hurting. All I did today was shower and go to the store. Day was done after that. And I am so pissed off. I can’t stand myself right now. I have feelings of overwhelming sadness that I just can’t shake. Surprisingly, I am not suicidal, though I just want to stab my ankle repeatedly.

writing, pain, and music

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Woke up to my phone sounding emergency broadcast. Scared the hell out of me and then I heard a big BOOM of thunder. Wicked bad rain and flash floods in my area. Just wonderful on a cloudy Sunday.

I also woke up to my back hurting me and of course my ankle. I just took a shower so it really doesn’t like me right now. But I had to take a shower as it has been days since my last one. I was feeling pretty gross.

Today I am supposed to meet up with a friend for the movies. I hope my ankle pain has stopped by then. I also am planning on going to the grocery store to get the ingredients needed to make my cupcakes. I really want to do something today rather than just lay in bed resting my ankle. I know that going to the store and then making the cupcakes are going to hurt me big time. I am not looking forward to it. What is worse is that my sister is having a BBQ today. I don’t see how as the weather has on and off downpours for the next several hours. She wants me to bring the cupcakes. I don’t know how I am going to do all this. And just the thought of it is stressing me out. Stress and already being in pain is not a good thing. I just put a brace on my ankle. Pain is getting unreal but I don’t want to take more pain meds because I have things to do today. I just want to go to the grocery store and get the supplies I need for these damn cupcakes. But I just heard thunder rolling again so maybe today is not going to be the day to go.

I also have to write four pages for my book. I thought today I would talk about the struggle of being transgender. I don’t know if I can stretch it to four pages but I can try. Or I might talk about something else. What, I have no friggen idea.

I am mad crazy listening to Luke Bryan’s new CD Crash my party. There is not a song I don’t like. I have listened to one song, Play it again, over and over and over. Guess you can say I have been playing it again and again. Or as Luke says Agin! He has become one of my favorite male artists. I don’t know why I like him so much. He just has a good voice and his songs get me into a good mood. It’s like listening to Taylor Swift when I am having a bad day. Crash my Party is by far the song that gets me all mushy inside when I hear it.

I did too much. I went to the grocery store and then picked up my prescription. No movie tonight. No cupcakes made. Just listening to the ball game now and trying to relax. I am in so much pain. I feel really bad for my friend that wants to see me. I can’t even bring myself to call him back. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to be able to do all the things I wanted to do today. I know I went up and down the stairs too much. Not only does walking around the grocery store did me in but going to and from my sister’s apartment did also. I just can’t win and it gets me really depressed. It really sucks to not have use of your feet.

I know I should call my friend and let him know that I am useless today. I know either way he will be disappointed. I hate disappointing people. But I can’t do too much on my feet anymore today. I need to rest my ankle otherwise I am going to be in more pain. And I can’t be going down the stairs anymore. Even though I really want to go downstairs and watch a DVR program. I am really upset with myself. I hate that I can’t do more than just take my shower, go to the grocery store and then I have to rest because I am in pain. It’s not that I am exhausted and need to rest. I still have energy but I just can’t STAND. I can’t WALK. It is just that I am in PAIN. It is a 9 and I really don’t want it to get above a 9 because I will really be in agony, more so than I am in now. I have a high pain tolerance. Usually anything above a 7 will get me to slow down. But I feel energetic so I am pushing myself. But now I have pushed myself too much. I hate that I have energy and can’t do anything with it. I feel so bad. I even took a pain med before I took a shower hoping to keep my pain in check but it didn’t do anything. I took another pill after I came home from the grocery store and still my pain has not calmed down, though it has calmed my nerves down. I really, really hate this. I honestly have no idea how I was able to work two jobs with this pain. I know I ignore most of it but I guess when you don’t have anything to distract you, you think about it more. I am not saying the pain is in my head. I know it is not. If I touch my ankle, I will scream. Right now it is feeling a little better now that I have it elevated and not putting any type of pressure on it.

I am going to stop here because I still need to write up some pages for my book. Until tomorrow…