Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

Difficult Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Difficult day

I had a hard time sleeping last night. Pain kept me up till almost 0300. I then slept for a few hours and then it was every hour I was up. I really wanted to sleep after my therapy session today but I had to babysit my niece. The pain last night was horrible. I couldn’t move my leg or ankle without severe pain. Every time I got comfortable, the pain spiked, forcing me to move to an uncomfortable position. Then spike again after I had settled down a little bit. I never had such attacks before. It was very weird. But because I had taken my pain pills around midnight, I couldn’t take anymore at least until after 0400. I was exhausted so I just took an Ativan to help me sleep and calm me down as the pain was so anxiety provoking.

I really don’t remember much about what we talked about in therapy. I think we talked in circles without really going any place. I told her about Marsha Linehan’s story, or the pieces I was getting from the Twitter feed that day. I guess she didn’t read my blog about it, just the blog I wrote detailing my reasons for suicide. We didn’t talk about that blog at all. I was shocked that she found the time to watch Jobes’s video that I sent her. I didn’t think her phone was going to be able to play it because it is older than my phone. She has had the same phone for more than six years now. I don’t know how it still is able to play YouTube videos. The important thing is that she was able to see how CAMS works for Jobes and in clinicians working with suicidal patients. He addressed the important key factors of his engagement. He, so far, has been lucky that none of his patients have killed themselves. I think that is incredibly lucky to work with an at risk population and not have someone die in the thirty years he has been practicing. My therapist liked what he was talking about “drivers” (aka reasons for suicide). I am glad I watched the video too, or I would be clueless as to what she was talking about. Course, Jobes is my idol so why wouldn’t I watch a video with him in it? I am sort of his professional stalker. I look out for anything he has written and take it as the word. I hope one day I can be a successful therapist like him.

My therapist also talked a lot about how I am the exception and not the rule today. It was making me roll my eyes. She has told me this about a million times. And every time she tells me this, I take it as a challenge to prove her wrong. I don’t know if that is one of the reasons that “drive” me to suicide. I figure I am supposed to be dead anyway with all the stats against me. Yet, I am still here. And it pisses me off because I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to lose anymore sleep and have ongoing nights of pain and misery. I know tonight I run the risk of having yet another night of pain because I was going up and down the stairs today most of the day. My sister made some food that I liked and I had to babysit, twice. Already my ankle is throbbing. I would take some pain meds but I know in an hour or two I will be saying goodnight. Least I hope I will. Last night, the pain meds didn’t tell me good night until almost 0300. I really thought I was going to have an all nighter. I just could not sleep.

Tomorrow I have my appointment with my PCP. I hope it goes well or I will be in bad shape mentally. I know he is going to give me a lecture about my weight. I wish he wouldn’t because I already feel bad about it. I didn’t even have a chance to talk to my therapist about it today. We were all talking around the elephant in the room (suicide). We also talked about my Twitter buddy Jay and how I think she knows him. I sent her a pic of him and his name. It will be really funny if they had worked together at the same place.

Other than feeling really tired, I am fed up that I have been in pain for almost a week now. I haven’t left my house since Thursday when I saw my father. Tomorrow, I will have to go out to see my doc. I canceled my therapy appointment so I wouldn’t have to finagle the bagel trying to find a spot for me to talk with her for an hour. I like talking with her in the comfort of my room. So she conned me into talking on Thursday.

two days of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up around 0630 in pain, again. It was the continuation of last night. I took some pain meds and then hobbled to the kitchen to make some breakfast. After that, I went back to sleep and stayed asleep until my mother called me around 1515. I heard her come home and was going to yell at her for not telling her second mother (aka my aunt, her sister) that she went to the doctors this morning. My aunt, who definitely has an anxiety disorder, was flipping out because she couldn’t contact my mother. She was calling the house like every fifteen minutes. I luckily had turned off my phone because if she woke me up, not like she didn’t with the million phone calls to my mother’s line, I would have screamed at her. She left me a panicked message and then when I called she was even more panicked but sly. She said she was going to go to the house (which I doubt as she never goes anywhere outside her home). She lives a few houses down from me. But the whole situation and the excess worry was for nothing. She had forgotten my mother told her she was going to the doctors and when she couldn’t remember, she was in a panic of her own anxiety making, calling the doctor’s office to see if she was there. Surprising to me that the office would tell someone that they were at the office given that is what HIPPAA is all about. I guess someone didn’t care this morning and gave my crazy aunt the information she was looking for. Not ever going to that doctor’s office. I am just bullshit that my sleep got interrupted, again by this crazy bitch. And it’s not like she waits three rings, nope. She calls and lets the phone ring for an eternity or at least until the damn answering machine kicks on. I am so annoyed. When my mother called me around 1515, I did yell at her. I don’t know why my aunt is so fucking nervous about not getting in touch with my mother fifty times a day. And if she doesn’t get a hold of her, she fucking panics, like the world is coming to an end.

I tried going along with the conference tweeting today but I just wasn’t as interested. They had someone tweet Jobes this morning and the tweeter kept misspelling his name, so I would modify the tweet and correct it. She has done this a few times in the last day or so, misspelling people’s names. And it is annoying me. Get it right or don’t tweet at all, for crying out loud. People are not going to know who Jones is or Quinet. Then I got a tweet that one of the past presidents of AAS was doing a panel with students. I cringed. I hate this guy and the fact that he is trying to influence fresh minds, well, it bothers me! He just rubs me the wrong way.

I still am in pain and might go back to sleep. I emailed my psychiatrist with a “why” subject line and then realized, I never asked her a question. She never responded. I might email her again and ask what is the point of living this crap when I am in pain all the time. And I don’t mean mentally this time. Two days of being in pain is not fun. I really feel like a HUGE hypocrite because I am for suicide prevention for others, just not my own. I know one day I will die by my own hand. Question is when.

I just am not a happy person. I have accepted myself as being chronically depressed. I don’t think things are ever going to get better, for me, anyways. My mood is like the stats of blog. One day I might be hitting 80 views and the next I might hit 9. Or vice versa. I never really know who will be reading my blog just like I don’t really know how my day is going to go. I do know that if I am in pain, I am screwed. I stay home, I don’t go out. I take my pain meds that either knock me out or keep me up. I am just glad I have Starbucks coffee that I make at home. It might not keep me up the entire day, especially when I take my meds, but it sure clears the cobwebs so I can write or read.

Right now I am reading The Idiot by Dostoevsky. My therapist asked me what it was about and I wouldn’t tell her. I was not in the mood to give her a book report. Frankly, this book has taken so many turns in the first part that I don’t think I am following it. But it keeps you wanting more, and so I read more. I haven’t read it in a few days because my head just couldn’t get into it. Plus, the print of the book is tiny and I am having trouble reading it as my glasses are now expired. I hope with the new set of glasses, the print is better. I am going to get new glasses sometime next week, if I can get to Harvard. But it all depends on if I get my LTD payment or not and my level of pain. I really wanted to get out today but waking up before 0700 just sucked and I got depressed. I said the hell with it. I didn’t even make coffee today.

Lazy Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Lazy Monday

I texted my therapist early this morning to see if she had any openings today. It turns out she doesn’t, which is a bummer. My mood has become more stable over the last 48 hours, but I am not sure how long that will last. I emailed my psychiatrist that I was in better spirits but was predicting a fallout middle to end of the week. I see her next Friday.

I woke up fairly early this morning, around 0530. I played some poker and then went back to sleep. I would have played my game but I just haven’t been feeling like playing lately. I know in a month from today, the game is shutting down. I don’t know what I am going to do with myself once it stops. It is depressing me. My neighbors have started to play another game that is similar to it and there is supposed to be a PT2 coming out, but no one knows when. I just hope that if they do, the missions are not impossible to finish or take you months to finish because you rely so heavily on your neighbors help. Asking for 90 items and then needing crops is just way too much work for one mission, but then all the missions are set up like that. And now instead of asking for 10 of something, they are asking you to craft 15. I don’t mind because I have the time but I am running out of patience. I will be kind of happy the game is closing but still sad that I didn’t get to finish my missions.

I guess people liked my cookies for my brother in law’s birthday party. There doesn’t seem to be any goodies left over, aside from the rum cake. I had a piece today and I wish I didn’t. It just doesn’t sit well and I am not feel great to begin with. I have been having bouts of nausea all day, since I woke up this morning. I took a Zofran and am laying down, but it still hasn’t gone away. I hope that doesn’t mean I am going to get a migraine. Been drinking Gatorade to stay hydrated. Which also means I am peeing more. I hate having to go up and down the stairs because my ankle still isn’t 100%. Last night I had to leave the party earlier than expected because my ankle just flared up. I didn’t say goodbye to anyone, I just left. I figure if anyone needed me, they would just call my cell phone.

I am going to take a shower after I finish this blog. I lost track of the days since the last one I took. I think Thursday was the last time I showered. Anyway, I need one. It is going to hurt but oh, well. I didn’t go out today. And I fucking hate it when my mother sees me come down the stairs and says “you’re home” in that nasty condescending voice that she has. I mostly either don’t answer or say “no”, like I am a figment of her imagination. Pisses me off to no end. I hope the shower wakes me up and warms me up. Today was supposed to be close to 50 degrees but it feels like 30 or below. The weatherman lies. It is supposed to be in the twenties tonight. Oh the joy of spring. I will believe it when I see it.

The president was in town today and caused a havoc as usual. Trains had to be stopped as well as traffic to let him pass freely. Glad I didn’t go anywhere near town. It would have been a mess.

sleepless night 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Can’t sleep. I got a lot of things on my mind. One is how I am going to afford groceries next week when I get paid. The nice thing about PeaPod (online grocery delivery place) I can preview my order. I just don’t know if I will have enough money for groceries and my meds. I really would hate to rob Peter to pay Paul again. But we’ll see.

A friend got my book and started reading it. She emailed me and said that she was upset but didn’t elaborate. I am still waiting for a response to make sure she is ok. But I might not get one till morning.

I started working on my short story and then got out of ideas. I literally was staring at the last word I had written and couldn’t think of anything else to write. I am short of like 80 words to make 1000. I know I can do it but I just need to get into the mindset. It just is so hard when I am not feeling it.

I watched a YouTube video on back pain. It was really stupid in my opinion. I didn’t find it helpful at all. But he did mention Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES), which I guess it is important but he didn’t go into grave detail about it. He just said that if your bladder or bowels are affected you have CES. He didn’t say go to the hospital right away, nothing. Just that it was a “red flag”. So stupid.

My menses finally stopped today. I am so happy. I can wear boxers again. I hope this is the last of it. I kept track this time so I will know how long it has been since the last time. I don’t have a good memory anymore so it’s important that I write things down. Course, remembering where I write it is also important.

I don’t think my friend is going to email me back tonight. Oh well. I do hope I hear from her tomorrow. I am going to try and go to sleep. I think I will take some Ativan to help me relax a little bit. I read some of the Civil War book today so I really don’t want to read another chapter. I finally read about Gettysburg.

Foot has decided to act up so I will be up for a little while longer. Fucking hate when I want to sleep and it gives me zaps. It caused me to jerk my ankle and now everything hurts. It flared up the pain syndrome. Just what I needed, not!