Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

Random 743

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Had therapy today. About 40 mins in, I didn’t want to talk anymore. I get bored easily in therapy. Sometimes I can talk through, no problem. But other times, it’s like pulling teeth trying to come up with conversation. Luckily, my therapist asked some questions so the last ten minutes flew. We talked about my blogs that I sent her. She said she doesn’t know how I write on serious topics so well. I had sent her my Zero suicide and my Twitter rant. The Twitter rant was just a bunch of my tweets strung together to make a paragraph. I just rambled on Twitter one morning because I felt like I had to get things off my chest.

The zero suicide blog was again, something to get off my chest. I didn’t think it was that great but my therapist thought so. She said my writing is getting better. I guess writing every day does that to you.

I got another migraine today, this one not as bad as yesterday. I didn’t go out today because my bowels were unpredictable. And I would have to shower. I don’t feel like showering. I will have to sometime tonight or tomorrow morning as I have PT. My ankle is still smarting so I haven’t done any exercises. I tried doing the rolling ankle and it hurt too much. I wish I knew what I did to cause this damn flare up. But I was just sitting, watching the football game, when the pain started. Drives me up a damn wall. If I don’t have a pain syndrome, I must be losing my mind.

So there has been some problems with my royalties from other countries. I don’t understand what the problem is as there was GBP deposited into my account a few months ago, but yet the Canadian dollar cannot be processed. This was from August and I am just receiving notification of it now. I called my bank and found out that only USD can be deposited into my account. But that is what IS being deposited. And don’t they have the currency exchanged?? I changed banks so I am hoping that solves the problem. If not, I am not sure what I am going to do. My writing partner is baffled because she has had deposits from Australia in her bank with no problem. I hope that I don’t have to open an international checking account just for my royalties. It will suck because I never know how many books are going to sell in a month. Because of this mishap, I no longer can use my other checking account like I have. I will have to transfer money from my current account to the other. Which is a pain because it takes 5 business days to complete the transfer. This is the problem of being an author, an international one at that!

Ankle is starting to throb again. I just realized that I have to request my pain medication soon. I am glad I don’t have to have an office visit again until next month. That gives me some time to try and lose a few pounds. I have been trying but it’s been hard with this depression lingering over me and craving sweets, which have been abundant with the holidays. I just finished the last of the sugar cookies my niece made before she went back to college. College. My little baby is in college. I don’t know where the last 19 years have gone. She was a preemie and now is an adult. A smart adult. Going to college.

So I left tonight’s chat…

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, psychache, suicidality

So I left tonight’s chat

Don’t know if anyone that reads my blog knew, but a 29 year old woman with terminal cancer ended her life today, on her own terms. She basically committed suicide. It got me thinking about Robin Williams and why his death was not treated the same way. He was battling demons we knew nothing about and a medical illness that threw him off the ledge. I don’t blame him for killing himself. It makes me sad, but also makes me happy that he is in a better place than he was in. No one understands why I have such happiness for those who kill themselves. But for this woman, I am having a hard time feeling happiness for her. I am glad she chose the method of her death and she had free will and all. But a part of me doesn’t like that she was an advocate for choosing to end your life with dignity and she took it. So we lost an advocate and that bothers me.

Then I entered the SPSM chat that was discussing this. The current president of the AAS sends out a PDF of Shneidman’s 10 commonalities of a good death. That’s when my suicidality peaked for some reason. Then talking about how depression was a terminal illness just made me snap. I had to get out of the chat room. I could have just left without saying anything but I said something, that today’s topic is too triggering for me. I got some pleasant responses. Then I got a weird one that said that I should be kept abreast of the topic. I was like “Huh”?

I have no one I can talk to about this and so I just decided to write, like I always do when I am in distress or feeling intolerant of my feelings. It helps me to put perspective to my thoughts. I also have been terrified of crapping myself for the past few hours and it has taken it’s toll on me. I have decided that if I crap myself tonight, I am going to take all of my meds, every last pill that I have will be ingested. I have had enough of dealing with the indignity of crapping myself. I can’t live like this anymore. I am only 38 years old. I should be able to control myself but that control has been taken away from me. I am no longer an “anal” person, so to speak. It is draining me being this way. I could cry but why bother. Darkness envelops my soul. I feel like I should not live like this anymore. Isn’t it my right to die? I may not have “good” reasons. I just want to end my suffering, is that so bad? I have no purpose in my life. I have no responsibilities like I did before. The only responsibility I have is to clean my sheets or clean my room, which never gets done because I don’t have the motivation to clean. My mother takes care of the cooking and cleaning, though it kills her to do it. She cleaned the bathroom and it took her almost three days to do it. She did it a little at a time. And I have to do the same or my back goes out. But lately my ankle pain has been worse so I have been having a hard time standing for any length of time. I was given exercises to do to help do something but all they do is cause me pain. I stopped doing them because I hurt so much afterwards. I shouldn’t be in this much physical pain. I have tendonitis in all of my tendons on the outside part of my ankle starting from where the bone is to my feet. There is a tendon called the peroneous that wraps around the ankle and anchors into the foot. Aren’t I lucky that I have aggravated this tendon and the ones surrounding it. The docs don’t know why. But the usual course when they don’t know what to do with you is to send you to physical therapy, like that is the cure all. I am so sick of physical therapy and it hates me. My goofball swelling has returned and it is throbbing like no tomorrow. Yet despite this pain, I am not suicidal over it. I am more suicidal over the fact my bowels have taken a run for the hills and decided not to tell me when they are moving. Usually if I have gas, I know I will soon have a movement. But lately, the stools have been soft and when I fart, the stool comes with them. I have shit myself twice in the last two weeks, both times in bed. The first I was lucky that it didn’t leak onto my bed sheets as I was in bed at the laptop like I am now. The second time, I didn’t even feel myself shit. I just farted and thought that was that. Wrong. I got up and there was a yellow stain on my bed. Fuck. I was wearing black underwear so it didn’t show anything but my pajamas did. I feel like the biggest asshole on the planet. And if it happens again, I want to kill myself. I have stayed away from taking laxatives and fiber pills. Now I will have hard stools that will cause me to bleed but I don’t care. It might also flare up my nerve pain in my ass but I don’t care. That will be the least of my worries. I don’t want to shit the bed again, literally or have another accident. I am lucky I have my menses now so I am wearing a pad. But pads irritate my skin after a while. When I had my menses that lasted for more than six weeks, I thought I was going to go insane. And I was wicked irritated by my clothing (female underwear) and the pads. The elastic in the female underwear was digging into me after a while. I don’t know why. But even my boxer will irritate me after a while too, especially if I don’t shower on a regular basis. And I have been too depressed to keep up with hygiene. I just am a mess. But with my menses, I have been forced to shower nearly every day. But now they are showing signs of stopping so I might be back to my every two days routine.

I have been safe so far tonight with passing gas and not having friends with it but that could change at any moment. It scares me to think that I might shit myself again and not realize it. I bought diapers for when I go out. I refuse to wear them when I am in the house for fear of just wasting them. Thing is, I don’t trust myself anymore and that has been a hard thing to endure. I have gotten used to peeing myself more than crapping myself. No one understands this. No one really knows this, aside from my therapist. I haven’t seen my psychiatrist in more than a month because of my own mobility issues and now she is out of the office because she broke her hip. I miss her really bad. I also feel bad going through what she is going through. She said she needed surgery so that must have been a real bad break. We have been together for twenty years and this is the first time, other than her maternity leave, that we have been apart for an extended period of time. So I this weighing on me as well. I am set with my medications for at least a month. I hope she is back soon but I know that it takes at least 6-8 weeks for a bone to heal. She didn’t say how long she would be out for but my guess is that she will be back after the holidays. This so sucks. My demons are coming back and I don’t have her around to corral them back into outer space. My therapist can only do so much. And lately, we have been on the wrong page of things. I am getting frustrated with the whole talking on the phone all the time. She is ok with it, course she would love to see me in person but I don’t have transportation to go out to where her office is, which is 30 miles away. I am still trying to finagle getting my sister’s car one week and going out to see her but my sister has been so stressed lately that I don’t want to bother her with my needing her car.

Closing thoughts: I feel a little bit better since writing this out. I love having a blog that I can write my nonsensical thoughts out. I still feel ashamed about myself but I know it will go away in time. I hope it will anyways.

Lazy stormy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s been a cold, stormy day so I didn’t venture outside at all. It is cold in the house as my mother doesn’t want to turn on the heat. So I have been in my bed under the blankets and in a hoodie for most of the day, playing my game. I had no motivation to do anything. I have been waiting for my therapist to tell me there is a time available to talk today but I don’t think that is going to happen. So I am hoping for another check in before the weekend.

My father canceled his doctor’s appointment for today which is one reason I stayed in the house. It is shitty out so I don’t blame him. I really don’t want to leave the house myself. But this is my second day of being in the house and I am kind of going stir crazy. My mother has spent her time well, cleaning her room. I should do the same but I wouldn’t know what to tackle first so give up.

I got a call today from a rehab place to set up an appointment with a new doctor for my ankle issue. Thing is, I don’t want to see another damn doctor for the same problem. I know they are only going to be able to offer me cortisone shots and I don’t want that because I believe (and there has been research on this) it weakens the joint. I already don’t have normal sensation so I don’t want to weaken an already weakened spot on my body. I don’t care how much they push it, it isn’t happening. Then when I say no, they want nothing to do with me. So long, see you later, have a nice day. I also feel like I shouldn’t be wasting a copay on this nonsense.

I really am tired of the doctor game. I am happy with my current regimen, even though I am in more pain lately. But I think that has to do with the weather changing than something being wrong with my ankle. And of course, being depressed doesn’t help. If I could be dead tomorrow, I would welcome it. But I am not actively suicidal. My pain has been minimal today, despite it being cold in the house. I have not really left my room that much today other than the usual stuff so I haven’t used the stairs that much. I just wish I could make my feet warm. Even though they are under the blankets they are cold.

I had no desire to work on anything related to books. I don’t know what is going to motivate me. I just keep procrastinating and I know that isn’t good. I would like to get it done but maybe I will start next year after I write notes or something to get started. I never been a coauthor so I am not sure what that entails. My short story book has been left by the way side since August. I haven’t worked on that in a long time. I don’t think it will sell that much anyway unless I get an agent or something.

I am really tired and feel like I should nap but I told my sister I would watch my niece and it’s getting close to that time. I really am not up for it but her house is heated so I might just go. I still have the AC in my window which isn’t helping to keep the cold out of my room. But then it has been rainy the past few days so I can’t take it out now. Maybe next week.

books and pressures

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Had a hectic day today. I walked 0.8 miles and I feel pretty good about it, though my ankle disagrees. I have been up since 5. I made breakfast, showered, and had coffee all before 8 am. Which left me an hour and half to play my game and decide what to wear. It was cold and rainy today so I wanted to be warm but not too warm because I knew I would be walking. I hate sweating. Luckily for me it stayed cool and I didn’t overheat.

I think one of my upcoming blogs I am going to do a book review on “Managing Suicidal Risk” by David Jobes. It has been a while since I last read it and by chance I found it today while looking for something else. It is my autographed copy of the book. I will send the link to the author as well as post it on Amazon. It won’t be too long of a blog but will describe the essence of what it is to manage suicidality.

I will be ordering two books tomorrow when I get paid. They are books I normally wouldn’t purchase but I need a change of what I am reading. I still haven’t gotten through the book on the civil war or Andrew Solomon’s book, “Far From The Tree” (FFTT). Both books are lengthy, over 500 pages. In fact, I have a little over 500 pages to read for the civil war book. He just keeps dragging out the year 1861. And I am not the type to skip pages so I am plugging along as much as I can without getting annoyed. It took me 276 pages to get to the civil war alone!! If you want to read this book that discusses the economic ways of the war, Battle Cry for Freedom is for you.

FFTT I haven’t touched in almost two months, since I left the hospital. It made for good reading for nights when I couldn’t sleep and because I had a single, I could keep the light on until my meds kicked in or I got sleepy enough to go to bed. It is a very interesting book about disabilities in children and how their parents deal with it. Mostly I am reading about the families that are well off enough to have their child go through expensive treatments. He doesn’t seem to talk about those families that are no so well off and struggle to make ends meet. However he does talk about the organizations for the different disabilities he discusses.

Overall, today has been a productive day for me. I hope that tomorrow I am not too sore because I really want to go to Starbucks and work on my coauthored book. I think if I get out of the house a little bit every day, even if I don’t want to, it will help me in the long run. Trick is ACTUALLY getting out of the house because it is so easy for me to roll over and go back to sleep. But I have a few errands tomorrow so I’d like to leave the house and do it rather than stay at home with the laptop.

For two days straight now, I have crapped my pants. I am so disgusted because I thought I got everything after my BM today. But nope. I must have passed gas or something to make the stool come out. I am purchasing diapers online so I don’t have to worry about the funny looks in the store. Turns out that if I buy them online and spend $25, I get free shipping. So I am throwing in some batteries too. We need “real” batteries, like Duracell, for our carbon monoxide detector. My mother refuses to buy the good kind and so buys the cheap brand. We have had to replace the batteries twice so far this year, over the course of 6 months! It is annoying!! I am hoping on days that I am out of the house for more than four hours, I can have protection and save my underwear. Luckily, I didn’t leak today or I would really be hitting the gin.

I came home and thought I was “relaxed” as I haven’t done anything strenuous in the first hour I was home so I took my blood pressure to see what it was. Not a good reading, 145/100. I am upset with myself. I will be monitoring it from now on because yesterday at my doctor’s appointment it was high. I thought I had my blood pressure under control but I guess I don’t. Fucking pisses me off that I have another thing to worry about because it’s not like my body is going to tell me I am running high. I have to use a machine to do that. Now I really have to try and lose weight so I can bring my pressure down some. I wish I could decrease my stress levels but dealing with my father is not going to do it, especially if he is going to have surgery in the upcoming weeks. So I have to monitor my pressure to keep myself in check. If it gets any higher, I will have to inform my PCP. I can’t be letting it skyrocket.