Tag: depression

Nothing done

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I’ve been up since 830 and besides taking my meds and brushing my teeth, I’ve gotten nothing else done. I need a shower and a shave. I also need to pick up my meds. I have a headache and toothache so I don’t want to do anything. I managed to make myself something to eat. I tried napping but soon as I got comfy I had to fucking pee. I just feel so fucking blah.

I have an appt with my therapist tomorrow. I sent her a message the other night about how I can’t seem to answer the question, who am I? I honestly don’t know who I am. I got the question from the book thinking about suicide. He said he was able to answer it but didn’t elaborate. It’s all self-reflection. Not really sure how to answer the question tho. I’ve thought about it for the past three days and can’t come up with anything positive.

I know I should see the dentist for my tooth. The broken baby tooth I had is gone. The tooth next to it is broken and hurts my tongue. It’s been a week since this happened and now the gum is sore. Tooth probably needs to be taken out. The broken part is right on the gumline.

I don’t feel like caring for myself today. I weighed myself for the first time in a couple months and I’ve gained fricken ten pounds. I am not happy. I feel disgusted with myself.

I need to pick up my meds. I haven’t left the house since this weekend. Maybe taking a brief walk will help clear my head some. It’s nice out today.

Trans joy is real

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, FTM, gender dysphoria, grief, mental disorders, mental illness, PTSD, suicide attempt, transgender

TW suicide

I am experiencing trans joy!! Much better than euphoria. I am finally me. I attended a transgender conference about gender affirming care and I resonated with the speaker. As I walked I kept looking down at my chest and wondered where my boobs were. Top surgery has been so wonderful for me. I realized I am no longer a bearded lady but a true man. As sad as I am about my mother’s death, I know it was a blessing as she was so against top surgery and I know I would not be able to handle her negative comments. I am finally happy with who I am. I may not have a perfect chest but I think the surgery went well. Last year at this time I was recovering from a suicide attempt due to dysphoria. Amazing how things can change in a year. Trans joy is real.

I vaguely remember how confused and psychotic I was. I was admitted for 30 days to a hospital on the north shore. About 2 and half weeks into the stay, I found out my surgery was postponed and I was bullshit. I wanted to die and I know if I wasn’t in the hospital, I would have tried again. As the social worker told me, this was life- saving surgery. It was so hard to believe this when my mother was dying. Too much was happening after my surgery. My mother never saw me once the bandages were off. It is just as well as the night they came off, my scar became open and I bled. I had to pack the wound for weeks. The scar isn’t pretty but I am hoping it will fade with time. I know my mother would bitch about it with her sarcastic comments that would hurt me. I am glad she isn’t around to hurt me anymore. She didn’t like me being trans and she didn’t like me getting top surgery. But I had to be me and have this surgery that was so important to my mental health.

Today was the first time I was looking for my boobs and was happy that they weren’t there anymore. I felt more confident in myself. I didn’t really meet anyone at the conference. I was way older than even the speaker of the gender affirming care presentation. I’m lucky my genes have me still look like I’m in my 20s. I’m happy I got up early for this. I was nervous because I am not a morning person and I woke up at like 330. Luckily I fell back asleep without a serious hangover effect. Otherwise I would be kicking myself for missing today’s events.

It was really hard to feel euphoria after my mother’s death. The sadness I had felt for months continued for several more months. She has been gone for six months and I am post op 6 months. It’s a happy and sad predicament. Grief is something I don’t always control. It comes in waves. Not only am I grieving my mother, but the self that was dysphoric for so long. The teenage me who didn’t understand why I had breasts in the first place. It’s a lot to process. It is especially hard with depression that has been bad all week. I never thought I would feel joy until today. I know it may not last long but I have the scars on my chest to remind me of it.

Feeling sad and dysphoric

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I was able to keep my therapy appt today. We began EMDR which was kind of weird. She asked questions and I responded. Then she gave me some grounding stuff and appt was over. I went back to snooze until my cousin called to remind me to go grocery shopping. I picked up a few things. I most importantly bought turkey and burgers. I had a turkey roll up for lunch and am now making a burger for dinner.

There was a post by a hematologist I follow on twitter looking for blood donors. I sent a message to my pcp asking if my levels were OK for donating blood again. My iron levels were still low so not sure I can.

There was a MTF I met on Bluesky and I thought maybe we could be together but she is into women and I’m crushed. It set off some dysphoria. I feel sad. I am looking for someone but I am not. I just think it will be good to have a friend that I can talk to whenever and maybe have benefits with. My sexuality is all messed up. I don’t know if I want to be with a man or woman or MTF or what not. I still love being with a woman but but lately I’ve been thinking about penises so I don’t know what I want.

Last night or the night before I was up. I couldn’t sleep so read a chapter in critical Suicidology. It got the wheels turning so I wrote about 1300 words on my relationship with suicide. I don’t know if I should include it in the book I am writing. I haven’t talked to anyone about it. I’m thinking about sending this to my psychiatrist and get his input. I don’t see him till Nov I think and don’t want to wait that long. I am in the process of trying to find an editor. The one I thought I had from FB turned out to be the wrong kind of editor I need. So frustrating. Someone recommended another editor on FB and his info was wrong. Ugh hope my friend’s friend works out. Finding an editor is hard. And can be expensive. I am hoping once I finish, I will query publishing houses or something. I will only use Amazon as my last resort.

sad and exhausted

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, transgender, writing

Sad and exhausted

I was up in the wee hours of the morning. I had slept late and wasn’t really tired. I had finished the last of the casserole. I woke up and needed coffee. I had taken my morning meds and then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I kind of planned the day of taking a shower, brushing my teeth, delivering the books to the Transgender Program, and then to Starbucks for coffee and lunch. I also planned on reading through my manuscript to see what else needed to be written.

The shower exhausted me. I had shaved and then I brushed my teeth. By the time I was in the shower, my back was flaring up. I had just finished washing my hair when I had to sit down. Cramps flooded my back and it was quite painful. I managed to get the bar of soap before sitting down so as I sat, I washed up. Drying off I nearly slipped in the shower stall. I managed okay then got dressed. I sat on my bed to rest and hydrate for a bit. I had no idea what I was going to wear. It was cool out but not quite cool enough for jeans. I decided on a button down shirt with my shorts. I then called a cab as I put my socks and shoes on. There was no way I was going to walk to my pcp’s office. I just didn’t have enough spoons for it.

The cab came. I put everything in my backpack and got in the cab. Traffic was bad. It normally takes like twenty minutes today took more than a half hour. I am glad I didn’t have an appointment or I would have been late. I dropped of the books and then ordered my drink and something to eat. I then walked to the Starbucks. There was a table free so I sat there and ate. After I ate, I tackled my manuscript. I got to like the 25th page and the printing was bad. The toner had already started to go and I didn’t notice it. Reading what I wrote stirred up some emotions and then I read the letter I sent my mother back in 2021. I got really sad. The pages were impossible to read so I called it off and then headed to the station. I got to the Square and picked up my meds that were ready. I thought about getting another coffee but it was past 3pm and I would be up late if I did so didn’t. I was exhausted and just wanted to go home. My nephew was in one of his moods as he didn’t even say hi to me when I greeted him. Whatever.

I thought about my mother all through the ride home. I was really sad. I still am sad. I am sad because my mom died and that I have no fucking clue where to go with my book. I couldn’t read what I wrote because there was a huge gap in the page. I am going to have to reprint the pages. I have a new toner that I haven’t installed yet. I’ve been lazy about it. People think writing a book is easy until they have to do it. I didn’t have pages to guide what I wrote so things just went on and then a new idea started and I was like WTF is going on here. I want to write more but I don’t know what I already wrote. I hate reading from a screen. I like pages in my hand to get something. This book is too important to me to just gloss over. I am going to try and see if Random House will publish it. No idea what is involved in the process. But I am half way where I want to be with 62 pages. I just need about 60-70 more to write. I’ll replace the toner in my printer sometime this weekend and then print out the 40 or so pages needed so I can read the rest of what I wrote. Hopefully it won’t hit me like a ton of bricks like it did today.