Tag: depression

lot of walking Thursday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Lot of Walking Thursday

I went to my father’s like I do every week. He needed some more baby aspirin but bought the wrong kind. I told him after I filled his pills for the week I would go to Stop and Shop and exchange them. It was really hot out and I really didn’t feel like doing it but I had to. So I walked both ways and was a soaking mess by the time I got back to his apartment. I dropped off the pills and then told him he would have two to pick up tomorrow. He waved me off because his girlfriend was there. Fine, don’t get your fucking pills. I don’t care. I just want to be back in my room where it’s ice cold.

I come home and there is a letter from my PCP’s office. I am to have a physical Tuesday and they want blood work before hand. WTF I have only two business days to get it. Why couldn’t they send the damn papers in last week when I had my appointment with my psychiatrist? I could have been fasting then. Damn idiots. I hate the medical assistant for my PCP. She is nice in person but a dunce in every other respect. I also have a questionnaire to fill out. This is new. I have been with the same PCP for the past 12 years or more and I have never had a questionnaire or blood work done before my appointment. The lab slip is prefilled so I cannot even ask my psych if she wants anything. She hasn’t given me blood work in a while either. I will email her now and see if she wants anything because I am not going to get stuck twice.

I am pretty tired and I haven’t had coffee. It’s kind of late to have a cup now. I was going to have one before I left for my father’s but I woke up too late. After I had breakfast at 0700, I went back to sleep and kept on having weird dreams, which didn’t give me restful sleep. I kept on dreaming that I had to go to the bathroom and when I woke up, I really had to go. My phone rang and I thought it was my father calling so I got up. It was Walgreens. They didn’t leave me a message but I know what it was about. They had given me just 15 pills yesterday instead of 180. Why they even bothered filling the prescription is beyond my understanding.

Other than feeling tired, that is all I feel. My left shoulder hurts and I don’t know why. I feel like I am breaking down, physically and mentally. I really can’t wait to have therapy back next week. I miss my therapist, even though she drives me crazy. I am not looking forward to having three sessions with her but I can’t wait till she is back. There is just something about knowing that she is available to talk to that I miss. When she isn’t available, it’s very hard to settle the feelings.

It’s now toward the end of the week and I still haven’t started “Order of the Phoenix”. I wanted to start today but I don’t think that is likely, least not for the next few hours anyways. I might start on in it before bed. I still have other journal articles to read and print out. They deal with suicide, my favorite subject. I have some rumination articles that I like to read. Since being a member of the American Association of Suicidology again, I have saved some old articles that are worth looking at.

I just am feeling pressure to read because I was on a roll and now it seems to have stopped for some reason. Maybe I just needed a break but I love Harry Potter and usually gobble his books up. I hope the depression isn’t returning. That would so suck right now. I am going to take a nap. Maybe I will have more energy afterwards and can read.

Random 499

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s another hot and humid day. Yuck. I was sweating so much my shirt was soaked by the time I came home. I just got out of the shower. I probably will need another one tomorrow when I come home from my father’s. I didn’t go into town for the writing workshop. It was too hot. I had dinner and now I am not leaving my room except to go to the bathroom.

My mood is back to being “good”. I don’t think it’s hypo. I feel kind of racy but not too much. I had my coffee today and then afterwards, I took a nap. It keeps on having an opposite effect on me. I don’t get it. I could use another nap. But the game is going to be playing soon. Maybe it will wake me up.

I got bluffed last night. I got a tweet that said the ruling on Tom Brady that would happen today was no concessions, no suspensions, and a $50K fine because he didn’t turn over his damn cell phone, meaning he was “uncooperative”. Now, no decision has been made and they are pushing the ruling to Aug 31st! I am so pissed off. I really thought it was going to go away finally and instead we have another week of this bullshit.

I haven’t been able to read the past few days. I just haven’t been in a concentrating mood. I got my menses last night. I am not happy about this. I thought I would have at least another month before this would happen. After this week, I will have to stop taking my hormone pills so that it can stop. I don’t want to stop now because the week already started and it’s much easier to do on a Sunday than a Tuesday. The only thing that I am liking about this is that my leaking will be absorbed by the pad I am wearing so I won’t be smelling like piss as much. The downside is that I will be wearing these fucking things for a week and a half. I am not looking forward to this.

I had the lump on my Achilles checked out. My doc said it was a nodule made from irritation from my sneaker. He gave me some new way of tying my sneaks that is supposed to help. I told him the new medication (NSAID) is helping decreasing the pain a little bit, but am finding it difficult to take it with food. This is because I don’t usually eat till later in the day and then I forget to take it. I usually take it after my dinner. I find that it works better on a full stomach. I see my PCP next week. I am not looking forward to it because of my weight. I am paranoid about him saying something about it, and he always does. The appointment would go so much better if he just stuck to just giving me a physical and then handing me my prescription for pain meds. I wouldn’t have to be so nervous and shameful. I don’t think doctors really know how much they can stress their patients out when they know they need to lose weight and they just can’t. I would seriously have to starve myself in order to lose weight or be on a very restrictive diet. I can’t do that. I love food too much and that is part of the problem. I think I might try the liquid diet for two weeks and see where it gets me. I know that if I get the weight off, it will stay off. I hate being the way I am. I know part of it is the body image issues I have. The rest is just all my life being told I was fat and ugly. Course, I will start the diet after I have had my steak dinner and manwich. Been looking forward to having these to foods for a long time.

mood a little better

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had coffee today as I stole some half and half from my sister. Despite having a large cup, I am wicked exhausted. I slept pretty well but I think the Neurontin that I took last night is having its hangover effect. And I just took one pill. My ankle has been acting up all day. Thunderstorms just started so I think that is why. My ankle doesn’t like rain. It’s still hot and humid with the house being hotter than it is outside. I have been staying in my room as much as possible but my damn bowels have been acting up so I have been having to go up and down the stairs a lot. My ankle doesn’t like that either.

I feel like someone stunned me. I have no feelings at all. I feel blank. The good feelings that I had yesterday are gone. Now I feel numb. I really want to take a nap but my knee keeps having this sharp pain whenever I lie down. It is annoying because it doesn’t last long and when I rub it, it’s not there anymore. I don’t know why I have this pain. I have been resting in my bed for most of the day so there is no reason for it to hurt. If I didn’t know any better, I say it was nerve pain. But all my problems have been on the left side and it’s my right knee that hurts. Just doesn’t make any sense. I hope it doesn’t come back. I have no pain while walking or going up and down stairs. It seems it hurt when I am at rest, which doesn’t make any sense. But then, I am a weirdo when it comes to weird things happening.

My physiatrist’s office has been calling to confirm my appointment twice already. If I was going to cancel, I would have called. I am a responsible patient. I just hope it’s a little bit cooler tomorrow. I still haven’t decided if I am going to go to the writing workshop tomorrow. It is going to take a lot of spoons to get there and then to my doctor’s appointment in this hot weather. I just hope my ankle can take the walking it is going to take. I would rest on Thursday but I have to go to my father’s for refills of meds. My weekly duty to him. I don’t stay too long. Just fill his pill box and then skedaddle.

I’m really feeling like a nap is in order. But my mother will be making dinner soon so I can’t. I probably will after I had dinner, if I can. She is making stir fry chicken. It’s usually good and spicy. I just hope she makes rice.

I didn’t think I was going to do it, but I started writing a letter to my therapist to inform her of what is going on. It’s basically what I wrote in the blogs yesterday about the hypomanic episode and my failure to sleep at the time I wanted to (before midnight). I find it so hard to set a sleep routine. I usually am always up around midnight but then there are some nights where I am asleep by ten. It all depends on what I am doing, which is why I am not looking forward to tomorrow’s activities. I hope tonight will be easier to go to sleep and not wake up before seven.

I hope my sisters are ok where they are. They went to water country today but thunderstorms have been going on for the past hour or so. They might be on their way home. It would have been nice if they invited me. I would have loved to go. I haven’t been there in years, not since my days of working with kids. That was more than twenty years ago. But they never seem to want to include me in any of the events they go to. I always feel left out. Of course, money is probably the issue as I am almost always broke. It sucks.

There has been a conference today about suicide prevention. It is being held in Houston, Texas. I have been following the live tweeting. Jobes was there to promote his CAMS method. I love this guy so much. He always has new information to share. There are currently five studies going on using CAMS. I can’t wait to see the outcome of those studies.

Mixed State?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Mixed State?

The hyperness that I was feeling earlier today is wearing off but it seems that it comes back when I am ready to sleep. The past hour has been rough. I have been going from racy thoughts to agitation and back. I can’t seem to focus on anything as I am very irritable. I was listening to the Sox game and one of the announcers I can’t stand. He was so annoying me. Then the game got out of hand and we are now losing to Cleveland 5-1. I am so pissed off because our left fielder cannot play left field. He has fucked up more fly balls than anyone I have ever seen. Even the visiting teams can play the wall but this idiot can’t. And he was put in the lineup today after injuring his foot, because he wants to “contribute”. Yea, to the OTHER team! I had to turn the game off. Now I am agitated and I don’t know if I will be able to sleep. I took my meds and added some perphenazine for the agitation. I hope it works.

I started writing in my journal about today’s events. I am thinking of writing a letter to my therapist. I have the itch to write despite all this stuff happening. I don’t know if my pdoc annoyed me today or not when she told me I was hypo. Now I can’t stop analyzing myself. I still feel pretty good, which is why I took the perphenazine as a precaution. I don’t need to be up till 3 AM. I have taken two pain pills and usually that slows me down some but it hasn’t tonight. I am thinking maybe this is the start of a mixed state. I just don’t know. It has been a long while since I last had one. In fact the last time I was hyper like this was back in February. I usually don’t become hypomanic so this is all new to me. The last time this happened it was followed by a severe depression that lasted several months with psychosis. I still am dealing with the delusions of the past psychotic episode. I told my pdoc today about them as every time I hear about ISIS and their god, it just reinforces my ideas. I think it was after I told her this, she said I was hypo. I don’t get it. How can feeling really good be hypomania? I know my sleep is fucked up, but that is my usual pattern. I have a couple of nights where my sleep is 3-4 hours and then I am up for about three hours, go back to sleep for another 3-4 hour stint and then be up for the day. Even my naps are short, if I do nap. Lately, I haven’t been able to. I am up at a certain time and then that is it. It varies. Sometimes, after I have therapy, I am able to take a nap. Therapy is difficult when your sleep is off. I keep trying to find stuff to talk about but sometimes I can’t so my therapist just talks. She likes talking.

The class that I was going to attend from the workshop place announced it today on Twitter. Now I am not so sure I can attend the class because there are only 12 seats available. I am just not sure I can register for the class in time because I don’t get paid until next week. It’s a class I really would like to take as it’s about editing drafts and such.

I haven’t got much of an appetite today. For dinner, I had peanut butter cracker sandwiches. It was too hot in the kitchen to make something. It might be 87 degrees outside but it’s like 100 in my house. I can barely stand the heat and humidity to gulp down the sandwiches. I don’t eat in my room. I am too afraid of bugs, even though there might be an occasional spider crawling around. I can’t sleep until I catch it or I know that it has crawled out of my reach and away from me where I can’t get it.

I have been thinking more about writing my story and will start tomorrow on it. I want to think about this a bit before I get it on paper. Before the game, I was listening to Luke Bryan’s new CD on YouTube. It sounds really good. Only song I didn’t listen to in its entirety was scarecrows because it was a very slow song compared to the rest of the album. Luke showed his southern drawl in that song. It wasn’t a love song from what I was gathering from the lyrics either. I don’t think the song will make it to the radio. I loved the duet with the lead singer from Little Big Town. I forget her name. That song might make it to the radio. I can’t wait to get the album next week. Seems a lot of country artists are teaming up more today than they were a few years ago. They co-write songs and hang out. Course there are more male artists than female, which is sad. Maddie and Tae seem to be the leading duo vocalists now that Sugarland disbanded. And Thompson Square hasn’t come out with new music since I don’t know when. They had a song called Trans Am but I have yet to hear it on the radio, but then it’s hard to get new music up in Boston than say down in Nashville. There are only two country stations in Boston and they both play the same songs, though I usually just hear WKLB more than the other station. KLB has been around the last twenty years. The other station just opened up last summer. I have never heard a DJ whenever I listen to them. I like KLB better anyway as I know the DJs for so long, even though two of them left the station a few months ago. I was heartbroken. The new guys stink, especially the one from 2-7. I can’t stand him. He is way too young and likes to talk more than play the music.

My ankle is still hurting me from this afternoon. I can’t seem to get it to calm down. I have tried swearing, they say that is good for when you are in pain but it hasn’t seemed to work too well. Pain meds have worked minimally. Course I have been up and down the stairs a few times so it didn’t like that one bit. I wish I could figure out why this pain flares up when it does. It doesn’t make any sense because I really didn’t walk too much today. Maybe I should take some nerve pain meds and see if that quiets it down some. Then I can differentiate between physical pain and nerve pain. It might also help calming down so I am not up all night. Last time I took the meds, I slept seven hours straight. I only woke up because I had to pee. Then I went back to sleep for a couple more hours. It was nice to sleep that long. But my meds seem to be kicking in so maybe I won’t be needing the meds. My foot is still throbbing like it usually is. I haven’t taken anymore pain meds as its too early to do so. Maybe I will just take one of the nerve pain meds so that I see what happens. I was planning on taking two. I see the physiatrist this week. I know he will be prodding me. Last time I was in agony that night. I am not looking forward to that appointment.