Tag: depression

Hypos Return

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hypos Return

I saw my pdoc today. Things went well and then towards the end of our time, she gave me a concerned look. I asked what was up and she said I was hypo. I laughed. She said I was racy. I really didn’t feel racy until I left her office. She is concerned about my sleeping patterns of 3-4 hours at a time and said that if I am getting just 2 hours a night to let her know. I had one 3 hour night about a week and half ago, while she was on vacation. I am so used to this cycle that it didn’t phase me that I could be hypo. I am not feeling my usual depression. I don’t feel “high” or extra good, just feel really upbeat which isn’t usual for me. I have been catching myself singing out loud while listening to music so I just thought I was in a good mood. It’s weird for me to be this way because I am always in the dumps. But I will take it because it doesn’t happen often. And this is not medication induced. I stopped taking my antidepressant in December of last year. I stopped it because it lost its effectiveness. I don’t know how I am going to be two weeks from now when I see her again. I probably will be depressed.

I am getting stuff done. I edited the paper that I wrote the other night. I am really pleased with this paper. It’s probably the first paper that I wrote that I think doesn’t suck. It does have a few redundancies but other than that, I really like it. I don’t know if it is because my mood is good that I am thinking everything is grand right now, but I don’t care. I just hope when this mood wears off, as it inevitably will, I don’t become psychotic like my usual pattern is. My pdoc asked if I had something other than coffee today. I told her I didn’t have an espresso drinks. I just wanted a coffee as I didn’t have one yesterday. It was Pike’s Place. I didn’t feel like having a clover. Just wanted some coffee and fast. I was feening for it. I can’t go too many days without caffeine or I will get a headache.

I told my pdoc that I made a mistake about seeing my therapist three times next week. She didn’t seem to have anything to say about it except if insurance will pay for it. My insurance has yet to limit the amount of sessions I have with my therapist. As long as they pay, I am happy. But sometimes it sucks because I put so much time in and feel like it’s not really helping me at all. I still am on the fence on whether to continue but I know my therapist won’t go for it. It’s not like I am feeling so well that I want to stop. I just feel like I need a break but she has been on vacation for three weeks so I have been getting a break. I am not writing to her this vacation period. She has a shitload to read since she wanted me to write to her last time. She said she would read while on vacation to get caught up on my activities.

My ankle really hurt by the time I came home. It’s puffy like a blowfish. I am trying to stay off it as much as possible but I am kind of antsy and can’t stand staying in my room with my foot up. I guess I am hypo as I have energy I don’t normally have. My mind is full of thoughts of what to do and such. I really want to start the next Harry Potter book, “Order of the Phoenix”. I finished “Goblet of Fire” last night. I didn’t realize how much Voldemort talked after he became a human again. The thing that gets me is that he is against mixed blood wizards yet he is a mixed blood himself. It’s very strange. I think I will ask JK Rowling why that is as I never understood this concept. I am following her on Twitter. She seems responsive to questions about the book.

I know I sent my blog “Haylor” to my pdoc but she said she never got it so I sent it again. I also told her that I am continuing to send the NY Times my “Love/Hate” blog. I have been sending it for weeks now with no response. I might have to up the ante a little. I wish there was a good opening line that I could use that would bring their attention to it. But I am not good at that kind of stuff. I am hoping that this workshop that I am attending on Wednesday can help with it. I have never been good at “selling” my stuff. I am too critical. But I know this blog is meaningful and too important to just stay on my blog. I would love for it to be published, officially, somewhere. I would write it in my book but it doesn’t fit with the other stories. Being hypo might give me an edge. I can write about the struggle of it and see where it gets me. It is apart of mental illness so it will fit, even though it’s not really dark. I guess a couple of stories about being hypomanic wouldn’t hurt. I could write about the time I thought I was god and thinking I could stop a train with my bare hands. That was the first time I was hypo. I was on Prozac at the time and it was thought it was medication induced so I stayed off meds for a while. When the mood swings would stop, that is when I was started on lithium and my journey with mood stabilizers began. I didn’t think for one moment that I had bipolar disorder. I just thought it was recurrent major depression with psychosis nos for most of my life. It wasn’t until I was hospitalized last year that my pdoc wrote the diagnosis formally on a lab slip that I found out. If I was depressed then, it got worse as I didn’t think I was bipolar. But according to the criteria of Bipolar II, I fit the description. It still makes me depressed when I think about it. I don’t know why it does but it does. I guess it’s because I know that it gets worse before it gets better and with my suicidal history, I am more likely to kill myself before it does. Fun thoughts, eh?

Sunday with no coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I finally blogged my paper last night. I thought about editing it and might end up doing it today. I was fairly tired after I typed up the five pages of writing I did for this paper. I put in a lot of work. It was well received by the people of Twitter. There was more that I wanted to write and if I do edit, I will put in more thoughts. It was blatantly obvious that people with lived experience were excluded from the thought process of these terms. However, the articles I were referencing were for researchers/clinicians. I am neither, though I am sort of a researcher as I like reading about the studies that have to do with suicide and suicide attempts. My library is evidence of that. I am a suicidologist at heart. If I ever do get the five grand, I will get a certificate in suicidology.

My Sox are sucking today with a rookie pitcher on the mound. Fuck. He just gave up his 3rd homerun of the game. UGH. It’s 7-0 Seattle. This might end up being a laugher, or revenge as we have kicked their butts the last two days. I don’t know if my boys can catch up.

My cream went bad so I didn’t have coffee today. I sure could use it. I am so sleepy. I am trying to avoid going back to sleep but it’s so difficult when you don’t have caffeine on board. I have been adding to my grocery list for my online order. It’s very easy to run up a tab as you just click, click, click on things. Half and half is definitely on my list.

I plan on getting in a shower sometime this evening. Also need to finish “Goblet of Fire”. It has been slow going because I tend to dissociate while I am reading. It hasn’t been pleasant to get totally involved in the book and find that only a half hour has past. It feels like more time has gone by and I am disoriented when I put the book down. I haven’t an explanation about why this happens. It could be because I secretly want to be a wizard. Having magic would be so great. But with the book, you just get lost in it. I don’t know if I am reading faster and that is why I get lost or because the writing is brilliant.

I missed the BPD chat tonight. I wasn’t in the mood to participate. Game is still going on. They are in the 12th inning and Seattle is threatening with the bases loaded. Sox have tied up the game at 8. And there goes the game as they are putting in Ross, who likes to score inherited runners. I hate him. He is such a sucky pitcher.

Saturday Blog 30

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 30

Last night I was in a lot of pain. I slept for a few hours and then had a bad dream that woke me up around 0100. I stayed up till around 3 and then slept for a few more hours. I didn’t have to get up for any reason. When I did, I made some coffee. I also made some toast to have something in my stomach. I have been listening to the ball game. We are killing the Mariners right now, 15-2. We have scored so many runs to make up for most of the month in the last two games. I hope they continue to go well but they are playing a sucky team with a similar record to the Sox. Though I don’t know what happened to the “King”. He usually is a dominant pitcher but we chased him from the game in the 3rd inning.

When the ball game is over, I plan on typing up what I wrote yesterday. I can’t wait to get this paper written up and done. It is something that I started out as fun but is turning into a chore. I really thought it was just going to be an easy blog but the terms have proved more difficult than it’s worth. I just hope the people that read it like it.

I can’t believe that I had another bad dream for the second night in a row. I don’t know if pain has something to do with it. It just sucks because I am feeling really sluggish for most of the day from lack of good sleep. Even though I had coffee, I still don’t feel up to task. But I know that I will catch my second wind sometime after seven. It’s a hot day today and muggy. I am staying in my room, like I usually do. I really would like to be in my office and work from there but I have crap on my desk chair that I don’t feel like moving. It will be hot in there and I work better in cooler conditions. My room is the only room that has the AC.

College football season starts in about three weeks. I cannot wait. My teams, Nebraska and Ohio State, are playing and luckily are at different times. I have been looking forward to college football since the Sox started really sucking, which was about a few weeks ago. I usually don’t pay attention to any football until baseball season is officially over but I make an exception to college ball. OSU won the National Championship last year and were almost undefeated. They lost their first game and won all subsequent games. It was tough because their main QB got hurt and went out for the season. Then the backup QB got injured close to the end of the season. Their 3rd QB brought them to the championship game. I don’t know who is going to be their starting QB, the 2nd or 3rd. I haven’t heard anything. I am hoping it is the 3rd QB. He has some moves. The main QB is now a WR.

Pain Rant 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Pain Rant 2

Last night around this time, I got a searing pain in my ankle. Tonight I am having the same pain. Yesterday I didn’t do anything. I didn’t leave the house or go up and down the stairs a million times. Nada. So this pain is weird. I don’t know if it is nerve pain or not. It’s so hard to tell because I am in pain all the time and this is the second night feeling the same pain at around the same time. I can’t stand when pain occurs, without warning. But today I walked a bit so I am expecting pain but not like this. It feels like I have been standing on my ankle too long.

The pain is sharp, like that of a knife cutting into me. It is most unsettling. I can’t move my ankle without severe pain and I already took my pain meds a couple of hours ago. I should not be having any pain at all, which is why I am thinking this is nerve pain. I suppose I should probably take my nerve pain meds to see if that calms this down. I hate taking them because I get the hungry horrors afterwards.

I also have been a bawling mess since I heard about the Sox manager having lymphoma and will not be managing the team for the rest of the year. It broke my heart to hear this news. I feel bad for him but I know he is in good hands. It was fortunate that his hernia surgery happened when it did because they discovered the mass during it. If he didn’t have the surgery, his chances for surviving would not be so great as it would still be undetected.

Sure the Sox have sucked all season and have been plagued with injuries and so forth but hearing this news just made me sadder than anything. And now I got to deal with this pain in my ankle and I don’t know what it is from. It’s swollen, but that is always the case. It’s in the same spot as it was last night and the same intensity of pain. I just want to cut off my ankle or just make some cuts into the ankle to relieve the pressure or at least give it a reason to fucking hurt. But I am too scared of causing more damage. I am afraid that if I do cut deep enough, I might nick a tendon and that would not be good. I hate being in so much pain. This pain is different than the pain I normally deal with. And it’s not like I can consult a doctor right now to deal with the pain. It’s way after business hours. I doubt they would be able to help me anyways other than saying to go to the ER or something. I doubt the pain will last that long. It’s already starting to fade, just as it did last night. I hate it when pain comes in spurts like this. It’s like when I get zaps on my feet, there’s nothing I can do but wait it out. Now my foot is starting to throb just like last night. I fucking hate this shit. I am so tired of being in pain every night. And now I got this new pain to deal with? Why the hell am I living? I was supposed to kill myself a month ago. I never got the chance because my fricken therapist and psychiatrist didn’t want me to go through with it. Fuckers. I really dislike them right now. I am glad my therapist is on vacation so I don’t have to deal with her. But I see my shrink on Monday. I don’t know why I bother seeing her. Meds aren’t helping my mood that much anymore. Sure, it is keeping the mood swings in check but that is all its doing. I wish the meds would help this pain that I am in. But the pain doesn’t last long and just causes bad throbbing in my foot when it leaves. How do you explain that to a doctor? Sometimes I think I am losing it, like it’s all in my head or something. Seriously question my sanity because the pain is so painful that it takes my breath away for fifteen minutes and then it dissipates and I am just left with throbbing. What the hell. I can’t deal with pain like this. I can take another pain pill in about an hour from now. What am I going to do until then? I am can’t stand the throbbing/vibrating that my foot is doing right now. I wish ibuprofen could help me. I would be taking handfuls of the stuff. But it doesn’t do shit.

The thing that is aggravating the most is that I haven’t moved in the last two hours. I have been in my bed, reading Harry Potter when the pain started. I could see if I was doing something like standing or walking or going down stairs, but I wasn’t. I was an inactive peapod. And all I did was flex my ankle and BOOM, pain! I fucking hate this shit. It’s a good thing I don’t know how to use a chainsaw or other power tools. My ankle would be seriously in trouble of being amputated.

I’m going to take some Ativan and hope that brings me some sleep without the bad dreams I had last night.