Tag: depression

writing and cooking

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, writing

I didn’t have a good sleep. I kept on having bad dreams and waking up every couple of hours. I woke up feeling hungover from lack of sleep. I needed coffee so I set out to Starbucks soon as I got up as the bus would be coming soon. I had my Carmel Macchiato with four shots. I didn’t drink it all because the espresso settled and it was really bitter. I drank as much as I could while working on the nomenclature paper. I think I have bit off more than I can chew with this one. It is hard to describe the terms without actually quoting from the paper I am getting it from so I had to quote a lot. I tried to use my language as much as possible but the terms were difficult to describe as they were so outlandish. I have four pages to type up. I just hope I can read my handwriting or it’s going to be difficult.

I sent my therapist the rant I made about this part 2 paper. I think she read it because it has a couple of hits on my blog today. I might include some of that rant into this paper because it might stress the aggravation of dealing with terms that are useless. I kind of feel bad that for about ten years, these authors have been mulling around these terms and their concluding terms just didn’t hold water to a lit candle. The terms were so confusing, it really is no surprise they didn’t take hold. All in an effort to “simplify” things.

I got a thing for my former work place about my pension. I don’t know what it means. It was just another policy revision update thingy they send every year. I threw it in the recycle bin. I am keeping the pension as “cash” so that the stock market doesn’t lose my savings. I worked hard for this pension, fourteen years of labor went into it and I will be damned to lose it because of a bad investment on the part of people I don’t know. If I had the money, I would buy stocks in Starbucks and a couple of pharmaceutical companies. Then I would just put the money in a CD or something and call it a day. But I am on disability and don’t think I can do these things. I would love to roll it over to my personal IRA account but I don’t know how to do that. So I am just letting the money accrue interest where it is sitting.

After I finished writing this terminology paper, I decided to leave Starbucks. I just missed the bus so decided to walk down the street to catch the one going away from the Square. I thought I could handle it as I was feeling okay but halfway down, my calves started to flare up and so did my ankle. There was a bench that was about 500 feet from me so I walked slowly towards it and then sat down for a few minutes to walk another 300 feet to the bus stop. I am hurting big time now. I am glad I am not going anywhere tomorrow. I am going to need a day of rest. I think part of the reason I got so tired was because I didn’t eat anything. I had a cheese Danish while I was at Starbucks but I didn’t have breakfast or lunch. I just wasn’t hungry. It’s almost 1600 and I still am not feeling really hungry. I plan on making a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner. I have been craving one for the past few days but haven’t made it. I want my mother to make it because I usually end up burning it. I suck at cooking things that have no specific directions. If it has a recipe, I am usually good with it. I used to make a good chicken dish that was from Campbells. All you needed was the stuff that came in the box, fresh chicken breast and boom, you had dinner in a half hour. I used to make it for my coworkers as my mother didn’t like it and it was way too much for one person. Those were the days when I had time to cook and could do so without pain. Now I am lucky to take a 10 minute shower or make scrambled eggs when I want. I don’t wash the dishes, only because my mother has her own ritual as to how they are to be done and put in the dishwasher. I have my way, she has hers. I will only wash my pans and dishes if she isn’t around.

Mine Would Be You

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Mine Would Be You

Listening to this song and thought it would be the title of this blog, for no reason other than Blake Shelton sings it.

I did my errands today and had therapy. We discussed the article that pissed me off last night (see previous blog for rant). She couldn’t believe the terms they had come with. She is anxious to read the paper on it. So I either will have to write it this weekend or sometime next week. Next week will be kind of difficult as I have appointments the beginning of the week. I would like to get it done tomorrow and then type it up at my leisure.

During therapy, I got the serious need for a nap. I could barely stay awake. After therapy, I lasted about an hour and then succumbed to a little rest period for about an hour. I wanted to sleep but I just couldn’t. Thoughts of what we talked about were swirling around my head. I told her about the mini flashback I had yesterday afternoon after I had written my blog for the day. Just writing about my experience cause some PTSD to happen. It wasn’t pleasant. But luckily my niece wanted to watch TV with me so it provided the distraction I needed. I told her that writing about my experiences when younger was going to be problematic and now she understood. I hope she doesn’t want me to pursue that line of writing again.

We talked about my upcoming birthday and how I am dreading it very much. I honestly don’t want to live to be that age. She doesn’t want me to kill myself like I would like to. I just feel like a loser because I thought I would have a career by now that I would enjoy. I thought I would also have my degree in something and I would be satisfied with that, even if that meant working in the lab the rest of my life. Nope, I had a breakdown in 2008 and have been scared to go back to college. I am scared because I really don’t want a psychotic break like I had. I ignored the psychosis so I could get things done for almost nine months. By the time the fall semester rolled around, I was in some deep psychosis that 4 mg of trilafon couldn’t handle. I forget what I was taking at the time or if it was the third hospitalization that abilify was introduced to combat the delusions and voices I was experiencing. I just know that what I was taking was not working and I was close to being put on clozapine to handle the psychosis. Stress at work and school were just too much. 2008 was a big year in my life. It was the first time that I had presented a poster at the American Association of Suicidology. I went to Barcelona, Spain with my research work group for a few days. It was so great to get that opportunity. So I couldn’t be taking drugs that affected my cognition. It was a surreal year. Unfortunately, it caused me considerable distress. It took a very long time, almost a year to get stabilized. Now I can’t go without those meds at all. I have tried to get off them but soon as I am off for a few weeks, the delusion and paranoia start up again.

Thank goodness my therapist didn’t want me to write to her while she was away this time. She said that she will be reading the material I sent her while she is gone. I was hoping she would have read the letter I sent her last week but she didn’t. I have a feeling the questions I asked her in that letter are going to remain unanswered.

Ramblings 82

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

My doctor’s office finally got back to me about their error in sending my meds to the wrong place. However, I received my meds today in the mail. Least I will have the prescription at Walgreens when I will need it next month. So although I missed the morning dose (mail came later than two in the afternoon), I will at least have the evening dose. I will check my blood pressure just to make sure it is within the normal limits as I am sure the stress of dealing with this has elevated it a little bit.

I have been sleepy all day because I am in a hot house. I am watching my niece and although there is a cool breeze now and then, it is not enough to cool down the kitchen. It’s 80 degrees out. I would love to be in my AC’d room right now. Though it might be stuffy because I shut the AC off. No use in wasting energy when I am not there. I hope I don’t have to cook for my niece. I hate cooking anything in the heat. I would have to shut off the ceiling fan and it’s providing the air circulation that I need to be a little cooler.

I might take a shower tonight because I feel kind of gross. I had taken a shower yesterday but in this heat, you kind of need one regularly, sometimes twice a day. I am dreading it because showers tend to make me more tired than refreshed. I will try and take one after the game. Game started early today, which I am grateful. Now I can take my meds on time and fall asleep earlier, I hope!

I have been reading most of the day, a most boring book called “Brilliant Blunders”. It was interesting when I knew the material they were talking about but now he is talking about astrophysics and I don’t have a clue what he means. Even his explanations are pages long. I got the book because I thought it was interesting, but the part I am reading is not. I hope it gets better or I am just going to stop reading it.

I don’t know if I said this in a previous blog or not, but the article I was reading on the terminology of suicide was not the article that has the “right” terms. I read the conclusion and it said to turn to part 2 to find what they have decided on. I am so pissed I spent two days highlighting and thinking about the damn article only to find it wasn’t correct. I have been thinking of using is as background information, like this article says, if I read that damn title. It reiterated the article written in 1996 by O’Carroll et al. So when I finish reading part 2, which should be sometime tomorrow, I will report my findings and interpretations.

I talked with my therapist today. Before session ended, she asked me about my writing, again. She really wants me to write about the delusions from my teen years. But I can’t without the risk of it being a trigger. I fear I might get sucked into that world again and might not come back out of it. I barely managed to escape. I always questioned whether I gave into the voices the night I was traumatized beyond my wildest dreams, if I would have become schizophrenic or perhaps schizoaffective. I was 15 when this all happened so who knows how it would have played out. I had deflected the conversation by asking her if she checked her mail. I had sent her two letters last week, one was sentimental. The other was a bunch of questions that I feel were relevant to our relationship. I wrote that letter in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep and songs on the radio made me question our therapy.

I wasn’t in a very private place where we could talk as I didn’t want my niece to hear our conversation so kept it to minimal stuff. She would ask the hard questions of where my suicidality was and I would answer with a yes or a no. We did get into an animated discussion about the paper that pissed me off. I hope that my niece didn’t hear the terms I was saying. She is 10 so may or may not understand them, if she did hear me. She will be going on vacation next week. That so sucks because she just came back. She still has not read half of the packets I sent her from her last vacation. I probably won’t write to her this vacation. It’s only a week she will be away, this time. I expect the next time she is off will be the holidays.

Another Ramble about Meds

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another Ramble about meds

I just emailed my doctor’s office. I didn’t call them idiots. I checked the email that was sent to me and I didn’t put a mistake. The mistake (sending it off for mail order) is all on my doctor’s head. He should have read to see where it was going and he didn’t. Now I am out of my blood pressure meds, well one of them anyways. I think I will be able to survive the next few days without one of them. I have a BP monitor that I just bought to keep track of my heart rate when I have panic attacks due to pain. So far, it has worked well and my BP has been in the normal range. I hope it stays like that.

I went on a chat tonight that sort of has me triggered but not really. It was about sex abuse and mostly about how family denies it. DING DING DING. That would be my family, except for my father. He doesn’t know or my cousin would not be living today. The chat brought back memories of what happened. I won’t go into more detail than that. I really should be sleeping right now because my niece is sick and I need to babysit tomorrow morning, early. It’s going to be a long fucking day.

Sox lost because the bullpen can’t hold on to a fucking lead to save their lives. It was terrible. I couldn’t bare to watch after the top of the 10th when the Sox failed to do anything. I knew they were going to lose. They hardly win in extra inning games. But then, they are more on a losing streak than a win streak any day of the week. This is why I still have my bottle of Patron. For every win, I have a shot, which hasn’t been many since I came up with this idea. The sox have more losses than wins, like almost 20. I think the record is 50-69, or something like that. It’s sad.

I have a thermal sock on my bad foot because it was ice cold. It’s getting warmer but I might keep it on because it’s cozy. But it hurts really bad. I haven’t taken my pain meds yet because I feel nauseous. I don’t think having cereal with expired milk was a good idea. I was hungry, like I usually am at night. For some reason, I keep burping up the coffee I drank hours ago. Not helping the nausea.

In addition to the Sox losing tonight, I am also pissed that the article I was reading for my language of suicide paper was a part 2er, meaning it was shit that I read and what I am looking for is in the Part 2 paper. I am so fucking mad. I spent the last two days working and thinking about how I am going to review this article and it was for nothing. I still might include it as background information before getting to the real terminology. I feel like a fool for reading it. And it was a long article too, like 14 pages, not including the references. The second article is just as long. I hope it is worth my effort and someone finds this paper useful. Otherwise, I am just wasting my damn time.

Because I will be babysitting, I got to find a place to have therapy for 50 minutes. I am thinking about my sister’s bedroom where there is AC. Tomorrow is supposed to be muggy so the house is going to be warm. I will melt if I am not near an AC.