Tag: depression

Ramblings 81

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I am writing a little earlier than I did yesterday because I decided not to go out to the Square to have coffee. I made it at home again. I did go out to Walgreens to pick up my prescription, the right one this time. Though I am shocked that the pharmacists didn’t say anything to me about taking two NSAIDs. Very strange. Maybe there is no interaction but I know better.

I talked with my therapist today about a diagnosis that was brought to me by someone reading my blog. Turns out there is no such thing. I was happy about it and I am always keeping up with the times. I thought I might have missed something but this person was just making it up to what fits. I find it a little disturbing because although it does fit, there is nothing that suggests it would take on credibility or even be in the DSM or ICD. Those are the standards I hold diagnoses on.

I also told her I am paranoid of writing on my own blog now for fear of criticism. I have had this blog for three years and though there have been a handful of dissenters, it always makes me question what I am writing. I know my blog can be a little dark and if that bothers you, I advise you to read another blog. There is a reason why my comments are moderated and that is one of the reasons. I am already a negative person, I am free to admit it, but I will not tolerate comments that state my writing is shit or questionable. You have no idea what I am going through so have no basis for what you are saying. You don’t like what I write, leave. No one is telling you to stay.

My therapist also brought up the book again. I get disgruntled every single time she brings it up because I have nothing new to add to the book. Sure I can go with what I have and try and make it longer. But I have no energy to do that. Hell, I didn’t even have the energy to walk to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. That took so much out of me that I am ready for a nap. But I got my “big” light on to keep me awake. If I put on my little desk lamp, I know I will fall asleep. And I really want to finish reading the “Tower of Babel” articles sometime today.

Oreos just came out with a new kind, brownie batter Oreos. I wish I didn’t hear about them because they sound so yummy and I want them. Their Reese’s peanut butter cup Oreos were to die for. Only complaint that I have is it was a small box, smaller than a regular Oreos box. I am guessing it will be the same with these brownies batter cookies. Just what I need. Another cookie to conquer. I am never going to lose weight. I have decided that if my doc says anything, I will just tell him I was suicidal and didn’t care about my diet at all, which is the truth. Hard to stick with dieting when you are thinking about and planning to end your life. I just got to make sure my clothes still fit me because I refuse to go the next size up. I swear it was the hospital that made me gain all this weight. I gained it last year when I was in and haven’t been able to lose it. I keep losing and gaining the same five pounds, never anything more than that. I just feel really guilty when I gain because I feel like I am losing my doc’s confidence in me or something. I fucking hate it. I know he has to tell me to lose the weight but he isn’t a thin man either. But I know that if I bring that up to him, he will find some excuse to bring it back to me, like he isn’t the one immobile. It depresses me because I know I am not as active as I used to be. Pain causes me to be immobile. It really upsets me when it is brought to my attention, like I don’t already know this. The best diet I have been on was the cereal diet. You have a bowl of special K for breakfast and lunch and then a reasonable dinner. But it got to be boring and expensive real fast. I don’t know why cereal costs so much. But then so is a thing of sugar. Funny how the prices of these things go up during shortages but never go back down when there is plenty.

My mother is babysitting my niece because she is sick. She has strep throat. I need to fend for myself for dinner. I have no clue what to make. I am thinking something with potatoes. Maybe fish sticks, if I can dig them out of the freezer. I didn’t have lunch today, a meal I have been skipping or having later than I normally do. I might have a bowl of Cheerios so I don’t have to turn on the oven. I don’t know what to make. And I am getting hungry so I need to find food fast!

Random 783

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I wanted to go out for coffee today but decided to make it at home. I was too groggy to leave the house as I didn’t wake up till after 9, which is quite unusual for me. I am usually up before 7 most mornings. I guess falling asleep around 2 allowed me to sleep in. It’s hot and muggy today so I am glad I didn’t go out. I had to pick up my prescription as I am running low on my meds. I was a sweaty mess by the time I came home, and it was a short walk to the pharmacy. I had texted my therapist about an appointment but she is booked. From the sounds of it, she is booked all week so I guess I am not going to have an extra session unless there is a cancellation.

Today is the anniversary of a dear friend of mine who passed away. His kids have been posting remembrances. It also reminds me of the year my favorite aunt passed away. Her anniversary is this Saturday. I had to look it up on Google because I didn’t remember the day but knew that she died the same week as my friends’ father. Both were good people, kind and loving. My aunt always accepted who I was. She always loved me for who I was and I will never forget that.

I am an idiot. I just refilled the wrong prescription and didn’t notice it until I went to take it. It was the wrong pill and that made me question what I was taking. I can’t believe I did this or why the pharmacy didn’t say something when I went to pick it up. You cannot take more than one NSAID because of the risk of bleeding. I am so mad at myself. My doctor still hasn’t refilled my blood pressure med. I am going to run out by tomorrow if he doesn’t call it in soon. I just hope they pick the pharmacy I chose. Last time, he sent it to the mail order company instead of Walgreens. I checked both pharmacies and neither have the order. It’s my fault I didn’t catch it sooner. I didn’t realize I was running low until late Friday afternoon when it was too late to notify the office I needed a refill. Funny how I am on top of my father’s medications but not my own.

I need a writing project desperately. I am working on my book but it’s not going anywhere because I don’t know what to write about. I don’t know where to get fresh ideas. The writing workshop I hope to attend isn’t until the end of the month. I still need to sort out how I am going to pay for it. It will cut into my grocery bill if I don’t get the LTD money. They have a free seminar again next Wednesday that I am hoping to go to. It depends if my therapist allows me to take off as the seminar is during our session time. I am half committed to going because the last one was really not what I was into. I am willing to give it another shot as it could be with another person. If it is with the same person, I will have wasted my time. But it will get me out of the house and in a part of town that is nice. Boston Common is across the street from the place.

Here is something shocking I just read on Twitter: Beliefs are not facts! I had to laugh at this, only because most of my delusions are my beliefs that I perceive are true. For example, I truly believe that ISIS is being controlled by a bunch of alien parasites that want power and destruction if the people they have captured don’t believe their leader is a god. Failure to respect and bow to the leader results in death. I would seriously write more about these thoughts but I am too afraid that the FBI will find me and prosecute me for having these ideas. Or worse, the minions of the leader might find me and cut my head off. The aliens don’t want to be found out.

Reading and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Last night was a difficult night. I finally read the “language of suicidology” article and it frustrated me. There was still no clear definitions of terms and far too many synonyms for things that should be clear but are not. I plan on finishing up the “tower of babel” articles some time today. I was too tired to read the thirty pages last night. I did tweet my frustration on the terms they were using last night. It was all that I could do to try and get myself ready for bed. Problem is, I have been wicked sleepy most of the day and had at least three naps so far. My head is not clear so I might take the articles to Starbucks tomorrow when I go for my coffee. I could make a cup now but it’s after three and I really don’t want to be up all night, again.

I finally took a much needed shower and feel refreshed but have no energy to do anything. It took all I had to take the shower and now I feel like going back to sleep. I hate when this happens. Sometimes I have energy and sometimes I don’t. Today is one of those times. I am not in serious pain. My ankle is behaving, some how. I haven’t really taxed it the last few days. My back has been sore after the shower, which is weird because I usually don’t have back pain. I didn’t stand too long so I am not understanding why I feel so low and why the back of my hip is throbbing.

I am listening to the game. We are currently winning. Dammit, Masterson just gave up a homerun. It is 3-2 Sox. JBJ comes through with bases loaded! 6-2 Sox!! Holt comes through and brings home JBJ. 7-2 sox. This is turning into a ball game! I might have a shot of Patron tonight. It will be the 50th win of the season. They haven’t had many wins that I can enjoy a little Patron. And strike three called, Sox win!!

I have been feeling low most of the day. It’s fairly muggy despite the low temps. I hate muggy weather. I really am not a summer person. Give me a cold day any day, but not below zero cold. I can’t tolerate that kind of cold. I don’t know why my mood sucks. I am thinking of calling my therapist tomorrow and see if I can have a session. I think being wiped out after taking the shower is taking a toll on me. It sucks that “normal” daily care is so tough.

I have started Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I finished Prisoner of Azkaban last night. I really love that book. Goblet of Fire is not my favorite because the descriptions of Voldemort coming back to life were really creepy. I don’t like creepy. Since buying the box set, I have been reading the books in order. I really thought about “cheating” and skipping Goblet of Fire for Order of the Phoenix but I just couldn’t do it. This book is bigger than the previous three books. I judge it will take me a week and a half to read.

Saturday Blog 29

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I had shut the AC off when I woke up this morning and then went back to sleep after I had breakfast. HOLY HELL. My room was so hot and stuffy when I woke up a few hours later. It is cooler than it has been but the house is still hot as hell despite the windows being open. I had to turn the AC back on to get cold again. I cannot tolerate the heat. It has gotten worse as I get older. I don’t know why this is. I never liked the heat to begin with. It makes me really cranky. So I stay in my room most of the time, as I do nearly every day anyways.

I need to shower today. I have developed a loathing for self-care. I don’t know why this is or how it came about. Once I am in the shower, I am usually ok. But thinking about it just makes me detest it. And I don’t shower too long, three songs usually, and I am out. I think I have timed it to ten minutes from start to finish, which is not long but is such a hassle. I try to do it when my mother isn’t home so she doesn’t come barging in while I am undressed. I like my privacy, unlike my mother.

I have slowed down blog writing. I hope that doesn’t mean that I am getting away from my muse again. I always get worried when I write a lot and then it slows down. Yesterday’s blog was difficult to write. I think it was because I was too distracted with Twitter. Every time I stepped away and went back, there would be 50 new tweets waiting for me. I would read it then forget that I was in the middle of the blog. They say that when you are writing, you should be on a computer that is disconnected from the internet. Now I see why that is so true. I haven’t done any book writing. I think “Haylor” was the last thing that I was able to write. I still need to put it in the word doc and possibly work on it some more to try and make it longer. Together with the other doc, it will be around 1500 words. I’d like to get it to a thousand more words, which will be some hard work. But I wrote it out of nothing so I am sure I can add more nothingness to it.

Last night my good ankle was itchy. It was just dry skin but while I was scratching I felt some pain on my Achilles and found a lump. I don’t know how long I had this lump or where it came from. It looked like I had a bug bite there so was hoping in the morning it would be gone. It’s not. It’s not painful like it was, unless you press on it. The area around it is swollen. I don’t like this. It has me upset because if my good ankle becomes weak and I have to be in pain, it is just going to drive up my suicidality. I am already taking a NSAID but it doesn’t seem to be doing anything for this lump. It’s not red or anything. Just swollen and painful to the touch. I see my physiatrist in a week and a half. I hope that it’s gone by then but if not, I will have him check it out. He would be the best guy to talk to about it. I might push the appointment earlier if the lump is still there on Monday. It’s kind of too high to be an irritation from my sneakers, but what do I know. I think it just could be a bone spur. I also think that because I take pain medication, I might not feel the pain if that is what it is. Bone spurs can be very painful.

Other than possibly showering today, I have nothing else on my agenda. I might finish up HP and the Prisoner of Azkaban. It is one of my favorite books. If I finish it, I might start Goblet of Fire. But I still have quite a few suicide research articles to read. I think I might create a bibliography page and put that in the folder I am placing these articles, just so I know where they are for future reference. It might help me so I am not going crazy looking for the hard copy as I have several folders, each with different stages of study. I have it all organized in my head and on my thumb drive. I just don’t have it organized outside of these places. I started doing this for Shneidman’s articles. He wrote extensively in the last years of his life. I have most of his book, though not all. I hope to have them all one day. But his books are expensive and hard to find. Just finding “Explorations in Personality” by Henry Murray was difficult. I had found a bookshop online that dealt with old books that are no longer in print. I forget what I paid for this book, that was printed in 1938, but it was worth it. If you ever read anything from Shneidman, he always talks about this book. He admired Murray. As I was a psych major, I figured I might as well get this book as it could be useful in my studies. Unfortunately, I had to drop out of college due to my mental illness so I never finished getting my degree. It was such a disappointment because I am only about 9 classes short of getting it. And now it doesn’t seem likely because classes are way beyond my budget. I would have to win the lottery to earn my degree.