Tag: depression

Early Morning Thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I finally got some decent sleep but I wish I slept a little later. I am going to have breakfast and then maybe go back to sleep. I need to drink a lot of fluid today because I am getting my blood drawn tomorrow and I don’t want there to be any problems finding my veins. I hate getting my blood drawn but hopefully they will draw the right amount of tubes and I won’t have to correct them. I know what needs to be drawn because I used to work in the lab. I should just have three tubes drawn. Any more than that and I will make a fuss. I got to find out when the lab opens tomorrow. I really don’t want to be fasting all day because I know I will forget and eat something.

Last night I got to thinking about my sessions with my therapist. She is the only therapist I know that offered me multiple sessions during the week. I normally see her twice a week but sometimes, because of my suicidality, we will meet three times. She wants to keep an eye on me at all costs. I can’t even go without texting her for periods. It’s become such a habit to text her when I am in the deepest of despair. As I thought about this, I also thought, what if she didn’t see me so much? I wonder if I would be here. I have been fortunate that my insurance hasn’t interfered with my therapy. I don’t have any limit on sessions. I think if I did, things would be so hard. I know not everyone can have multiple sessions with their therapist for various reasons. I guess someone really wants me to be here even if I don’t want to be.

Game is on early today. I don’t like day games because it makes the night time seem longer. I guess I will just be doing more reading as there will be nothing to listen to except music. I have to have a little music playing while I read. It keeps away the voices from asking me questions.

I was struggling last night. My psychiatrist emailed me back and asked how I was doing. I started writing back and then I felt immensely suicidal. It was weird because I wasn’t feeling depressed when I was writing to her. I didn’t tell her I was feeling this way. I knew it would only worry her more. I have tried not to think about suicide the past few days because I didn’t want to feel it. Now it’s coming in waves. I don’t know why this is. I am not feeling horribly depressed. I still am feeling somewhat good, though not at the level I was earlier this past week. I don’t know if I am cycling and that worries me because it usually brings with it mixed states. I hate mixed states. They always make things worse.

I think I have the thoughts of killing myself because I really think it is my destiny to die that way. They have been apart of me for so long that I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like an addiction, except you don’t get high. You just are constantly surrounded by your thoughts and planning. Planning gives me an escape. It forces me to compartmentalize the suicidal stuff so I can go about doing other things and make it appear that I am “okay”.

I don’t know when planning became my escape route. It has always been there for as long as I can remember. It didn’t solidify until one day I snapped. Even then, I had planned a date well in advanced so that I could have time to think things through. The hard part was keeping this from my therapist because I was so determined to end my life. I still try to do it but I fail miserably. I cannot lie to save my life, literally. So when she asked me what is going on, really, really what is going on, I had to think about what I wanted to say to her. I gave myself a good 24 hours to think about this, then I called her and asked for an extra session. I think that is when we started talking more often at that point.

Saturday Blog 31

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 31

I was able to sleep eight hours but it was broken in four hour increments. I didn’t go to sleep till around 0400 this morning. I have no reason why I was up so late other than being hypo. I wrote to my psychiatrist telling her the difficulties I was having. As my closing statement, I told her I was going to Hogwarts. I thought that was really funny. I really didn’t. I went to Grimmauld Place, where Harry is at the moment in “Order of the Phoenix”. Luckily, reading caused my brain to slow down enough to get some sleep. I don’t usually mind staying up late but last night was bad. I was so hyper I didn’t think I was going to get to sleep at all. I think I wrote a blog. I did a lot of writing in my journal and with my psychiatrist so I am sure I blogged about my midnight adventures.

Other than eating, I haven’t done anything else. I just finished a cup of tea. I am out of cream so I can’t have coffee. I will be glad when I get paid next week and can place my shopping order. I have ordered pumpkin puree so I can make pumpkin cupcakes. It’s really muggy and I don’t know if that is what the week calls for. I know we are supposed to have rain the next few days but I don’t know if it’s going to be muggy. It’s supposed to be in the 70s, which isn’t bad if it’s dry and comfortable. It’s really hot in the house. I really don’t know how my mother can stand it. I wish she would get a wall unit AC but nope. I know the heat isn’t good for her diabetes and joints but what do I know according to her. Whatever, I will just freeze in my room.

Because my mother is in the living room, I am unable to watch my TV shows. I thought I could sneak one in but she is lying on the couch, taking a nap. Oh well. Maybe I will tomorrow morning when she is out of the house. I have no plans today other than reading Harry and possibly listening to the game tonight. If I don’t listen, I usually keep track through the internet and/or Twitter. I don’t know what the plan is for dinner. Probably a free for all. I have been eating crackers with peanut butter so I am full right now. My mother will probably make some kind of pasta.

I might take another nap. I am having a hard time concentrating and I am sleepy. I don’t think the cup of tea I had had enough caffeine in it to keep me awake. I’m not feeling depressed or anything. I just feel really tired. Being up half the night will do that to you. That is the downside of staying awake all night. I just hope I don’t catch my second wind later on tonight. That will suck to have another night of staying awake till 0400.

hypo again and ankle chronicles

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hypo Again and Ankle Chronicles

It’s close to 0200 and I show no sign of sleeping. I feel really hyper but in an organized kind of way. I wish I could get into a cleaning mode as my room could really use it but my hip is hurting and I know standing for any length of time will annoy it. My ankle is also giving me grief so I doubt standing or cleaning would be a good idea at the present time. I can barely sit without my hip hurting. I don’t know what set this episode off. I thought I was going to head towards a depression and then I got hyper when I realized it was midnight and I wasn’t tired.

I think I might be cycling, but I am not having true depressive episodes or sadness even. I just seem to go from a hyper state of being to being “normal”. I am not even suicidal, though I have been having passing thoughts of killing myself. They don’t last long, maybe a few minutes tops. And I don’t ruminate on them when I am like this. I am sure if I was in a depressive state, I would.

I am glad that I am seeing my doctor next week because my left eyelid has been extremely itchy and has a skin tag on it. I have been trying not to freak out and call it cancer but I can’t stand it being different than my right eye. Even the skin texture is different, but I am sure it is just dry because I don’t drink enough fluids during the day. I try to but it’s difficult because I don’t want to leak. But seeing as I will be having my blood drawn on Monday, I need to increase my fluids so my veins are better able to get attacked. I am a hard stick anyways but being dehydrated really makes my veins disappear.

I don’t know what set off my ankle tonight. I was watching the game in the comfort of my sister’s bedroom with my foot up most of the game. It wasn’t my bed but it shouldn’t make a difference. Anyways, by the 7th inning, I was in some deep pain. I was watching my niece and I knew that if I went upstairs to my room and back down again, it would only cause me more pain. I just stuck it out. I waited patiently for my sister to come home. It was approximately two hours later. Luckily, walking on it didn’t seem to bother it as much as standing still, which is weird. It was throbbing big time by the time I made it up to my room. Then I had to go back downstairs to the bathroom. Whatever I ate didn’t agree with me and my bowels went nuts. I hope they don’t act up anymore. They probably will because I took a senna with my meds. I am going to be really cleaned out.

I wrote several pages in my journal before I decided to blog. I am feeling the writing itch though my thoughts are as clear as they were before. I think the meds are starting to kick in. It’s weird that I am having a second episode of hypomania in a year. I usually just get it once and that is all. It is unusual for me to be hypo twice in a year. Course I have been hypo for most of the week. I hope this means that I will sleep for more than a few hours tonight as I am up so damn late. I am hungry but I am not going to eat as it is so late. The way I am feeling, you would think that I haven’t eaten anything at all, all day. I had steak and a sweet potato while I was at my sister’s and it made me quite full. But usually at this time, I get wicked hungry for some reason. Midnight cravings I guess. I really want a damn donut. I swear when I get my check, I am going to go to Dunkin and get a half dozen. I hear through FB that there might be a gourmet donut shop in the Square. That would be so awesome and yummy. Starbucks has an old fashioned donut that I really like. Okay, all this talk about donuts is not helping my hunger.

I took my pain meds three hours ago. I should be knocked out or at least close to it. But I am not. I feel another all nighter coming on. Question is, when am I going to get some sleep? It’s so hard to say when I am like this. My ankle/foot pain is not helping the situation at all. If I am not asleep in another half hour, I will take another dose of pain meds. It will be four hours since my last dose, so I think it will be ok. Sometimes, when I am in severe pain it takes another dose of meds to quiet things down and get me some rest. I don’t know if the pain is fueling the mania or vice versa at this point. I wish I felt euphoric but I don’t. I just feel content and a little sad. I am sad because this is happening to me and I don’t know why. Usually Bipolar disorder gets better with age not worse. I can’t say this is a relapse because I don’t typically get hypomanias. I am mostly depressed. This is quite unusual for me to be hypo. I so rather be depressed. It is what is normal for me. It is what is the expected.

OI, there is an advocate that I follow on Twitter and she is so fucking annoying. She thinks all her opinions are facts because she experienced it. Yet when I try and tell her how my experiences are, I am downplayed, like it doesn’t matter to her at all what I think. WTF is that? I should unfollow her. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. You would think she would be more open minded to people’s lived experiences but only hers counts? Doesn’t make sense. Then she states the obvious of how mental health professionals are uncomfortable talking to their patients about suicide. No fucking shit, really?? Where the hell have you been the last ten years?? Obviously not in the suicide field. Obviously not doing research about suicide like I have. So take that, Miss who-thinks-she-knows-it-all.

Do Nothing Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Do Nothing Friday

I have no idea where the day went. I had breakfast and watched a few of my DVR’d shows. I was saving the last Bones episode for watching during the day because it had to do with Palant, an evil genius that caused Brennan and the lab much pain. It turned out it had the makings of the serial killer but nothing to do with him because he was dead. Really dead. I was grateful not to see his smug face until the end of the episode where he says “I am dead but still live on in digital format”. What a creep. I have no idea if that was the season’s ending or not. It had Brennan and Booth resigning but Angela and Hodgins staying so it will make for an exciting season 11!

I then watched my favorite crime show, Rizzoli and Isles. I love Sasha Alexander and Angie Harmon. The two make the show as hot as it is. It was exciting to see the episodes. I wanted to watch more but it got really muggy in the living room and I had to retreat into my room before I melted. I found that there was a show that Mary Chapin Carpenter is taped on. It is a repeat and I am glad because I only caught the first few minutes of it the first go round. Someone had changed the channel right when it recorded. The person who did this (my mother) refuses to acknowledge she did this but I know better. So I am glad it recorded. I will watch it later when I am cold and need to be warmed up.

I made coffee and enjoyed it. Now I am feeling depressed because I used the last of my borrowed cream and won’t be able to get more until Monday. I will be getting my blood work done in the morning. If I time it right, maybe I will have some Thai food for lunch. I got to find out when the restaurant opens.

My writing partner wrote to me last night. I don’t know why I keep calling her that as our association has faltered over the last few months. She hardly writes to me any more since she got married. But she did last night to say she finished a book and has a rough draft that she is giving people to read for feedback and such. I am envious of her work. I have nothing to show for the time I have spent writing except for this blog. I really should start writing something for my book. Only problem is I have no clue what to write. Sure I was thinking about my first manic episode that was sort of psychotic in nature but there are so many details I don’t know if I can capture it all and be coherent. I have to think about this a little more.

My mother called and asked where I was and why I haven’t gone out. Are you kidding me?? I really can’t go out because my ankle is still kind of sore from all the walking I did yesterday. And I am kind of still sleepy. I really don’t want to do a damn thing today. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and one graham cracker for lunch. I don’t have much appetite since I drank the coffee. It always kills my appetite. I hate when my mother calls looking for me. I fucking hate it. You would think that I am a kid or something. She thinks that because she can go out (three houses down the street to her sister’s) I should be able to do the same. Fuck that. I will stay where I am nice and comfortable, on my bed with my laptop in an air conditioned room.

I am starting to get cold feet about this class that I want to take a week from Monday. I am wondering if it will be worth the $65, if I will actually learn something from this, or if I just will be wasting my money and time. That is, of course, if there are still seats available. I got nothing better to do on a Monday night so why not try and take this class. If I do like this class, I might consider becoming a member. If you are a member, you get ten dollars off classes. Not much but when you are low budget, it helps.

A hockey player is following me on Twitter. I feel like tweeting him to tell him I am not a fan of hockey, at all. I only follow the sport when my friends post on FB or Twitter. I think it is a plea to get more followers, which I don’t buy. I hardly follow back someone that follows me, unless I know them or they have made contact with me in someway, like a RT or a tweet back. There are a LOT of people that follow me and when I look them up they appear to be bots or those that just want a follow back. Then my follower numbers go down because their account disappears. Oh well. I had to mute one of my CES friends because she showed a disturbing photo. Now I can’t get the image out of my head. I won’t describe it as it was horrible. I don’t get why people have to post that stuff on social media. It’s bad enough the news posts shit like that but for individual accounts to show it, it’s just horrible.

Monday, my therapist will be back and I have an appointment with her that afternoon, the first of three that week. I don’t know what possessed me to say yes to the times she had available. I was expecting her to pick one and then she said “I’m writing that down”. Fucking idiot I am. I am sure it will be fine though. I just hope I am awake when I talk to her on Thursday morning. We do have a lot of stuff to catch up on. I don’t think I will be sending her the letter I wrote. It was during my hypo days earlier this week and is quite lengthy. I don’t feel so great anymore. I finally was able to read some Harry Potter last night. It was the first time I read all week. I find that when I am in between mood states, my reading isn’t as bad. I am feel a bit depressed, but not overwhelmingly so. I wish my mother didn’t call me. It just makes me feel bad that I can’t go out because I am in pain. I didn’t tell her that. She doesn’t understand about rest days, which is why she is in pain so much. She never rests unless the pain gets wicked out of control. I used to be like that but I can’t be like that anymore. If I am hurting, I stop. But it depresses me nonetheless. I got a call from my insurance last night. It was after six when I got the call. I didn’t recognize the number so I didn’t pick up. Then someone from Newbury College called me three times. My phone never rings and last night it was off the hook. So much for snoozing before the game.