Tag: depression

Writing Workshop and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Writing Workshop and Other Things

I went to the writing workshop today and it seemed geared more for poets than writers. I wrote a couple of good paragraphs in the time allotted. But I thought it would be more discussion about writing itself rather than what we were writing about in the class. It was only for 45 mins and when I realized what it was, I really wanted to leave. The room was stifling hot, there were a lot of people there, and it just made me uncomfortable. It was supposed to be a cool day today but it’s not. The weatherman lied, again. I am just glad that I wore shorts and not full length jeans. I would have been really uncomfortable.

The errands that I had to run after the class got postponed because I had to go to the bathroom really bad. I felt funny using the bathroom at the workshop so I just left holding it until I got home. Now I got to go to Walgreens and pick up my prescription. I thought about getting my haircut but I think I will do that tomorrow. I tried getting it cut today but the line was too long and there were only two barbers on duty. Usually there are four. I am really spent so unless I get my sister’s car to go to Stop and Shop, that will have to wait till Friday. The walk to the place wasn’t bad but finding the green line back home was a trick. I had no idea where the station was so just walked over to the orange line a few blocks away from the class. I went down the stairs rather than using the elevator and I am paying for it now. I really don’t want to go to Walgreens but I have to. My mother needs something and I need to buy water. I have no spring water in the house and I hate drinking tap, unless it’s mixed with iced tea or lemonade mix. I am picky about water. When I lived in my hometown where I grew up, the tap water was excellent. But where I live now, it just doesn’t taste the same. I will buy a couple of gallons so I am stocked. There is no way I can carry a case home from Walgreens and it’s much more expensive there than at Stop and Shop. I will only buy Poland Spring water. If they don’t have that, Dasani is the next one I will get. If they don’t have either, I usually won’t buy it.

When I came out, I found out some sad news. My cousin’s mother in law passed away this morning. He was with her when she died. She had been sick for some time and was in a nursing home. She was a very nice lady. I met her more than a few times over the years.

I have an ace bandage around my ankle to help support it while I was out and about today. I still have it on. I should take it off but I will be going back out again. It’s very restrictive as going up and down stairs I could feel that my ankle did not want to do those motions. It feels comfortable now that I have my leg up and am relaxing as I am typing this. I should have been using this all along and maybe on long days where I am walking, I won’t be in so much pain afterwards. It’s a one piece ace that is made specific for the ankle. I really like it because you wear it like a sock. No pins or taping or wrapping needed. I can never wrap my ankle anyway or any other part. I just suck at that.

I started the day writing to my therapist like I have been doing the last few mornings. I will be so glad when she comes back and I don’t have to write to her anymore. Well, I could still write to her. She does like getting my letters. We will keep the post office in business. But with this writing, I am not doing much of anything else. I am not writing anything for my book and I am not writing in my journal like I usually do. I wanted to get a few pointers today on how to get unstuck but the stupid class wasn’t made for it. They do have other classes you can take but it costs money that I don’t have.

Before the workshop, I went to my “Happy” place, Starbucks and lo and behold, they had the coffee that I have been dying to get! I finally got my Kati Kati coffee!! I am so going to make it tomorrow morning!! I thought I was going to miss my chance on getting it this year because the Starbucks stores near me have sold out of it already. It’s an extremely popular blend and it’s only around during the summer months. It made my day to get a bag.

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by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I have been reading “Game of Thrones”. It is a weird book and I am trying to follow the story line but it is hard to do. I am glad the last few chapters that I have read didn’t have people die a horrible death like the first two chapters. It was hard to get past that. But I am liking the book so far, even though it is not my usual kind of book to read.

I have been in a funk the past day or so. My ankle has not been in a good mood and tomorrow I have a workshop to go to, which means walking around until I find that I am looking for. My ankle is not going to like that. Thankfully, it’s supposed to be cooler than it is today. Today is very hot again and I am not liking it. I have a vague idea where the building is for this workshop. It’s in a part of town that I am not that familiar with. It’s a writing workshop so I hope it helps me be a little more creative and focused. I have no idea how many people are going to be attending and I won’t know a single person, including the instructor. I am really nervous about going.

One of my cousins called me last night to be a pain in the ass. He usually is anyway but last night he really grated on my nerves. He asked if I had any extra money. He knows I am broke even before I get paid. Pisses me off that he would call me. He works part-time as a barber so I don’t understand why he doesn’t have a few extra bucks in his pocket. He must get tips and I doubt that the shop would make him turn them in. I just don’t get him. If I did have money, I wouldn’t give it to him anyways. I did once and it was hell. He called me every single day until he paid me back, three weeks later! It was always the same story, I will pay back on day X. Day X would come and he would pay me half. Then gave me a new X day. I told him he didn’t have to pay me back at that point. I just wouldn’t allow myself to have him borrow money from me again, and I haven’t. He works. I don’t. He is a grown man, let him figure out how to get through a pay period. I sure do and it sucks. I gave the last three dollars I had to my mother because I didn’t want to have a confrontation at Walgreens. She had bought some tissue paper without a coupon and wanted a refund. Working in retail, I know they don’t give refunds that way. Tough luck if you don’t have the coupon at the time of purchase. So I gave her the money do I didn’t have to deal with it. It was easier that way.

Since I woke up this morning, my ankle has been bothering me. It probably is still angry with me for going up and down stairs yesterday. And for some reason, the pain meds have been making me drowsier than usual, even if I take one. I don’t understand why. I have been on the same dose for years now and it never used to make me tired. It used to in the beginning but I should be used to it by now. So weird how medications work. At least the new NSAID is helping with the pain. I just wish it didn’t sometimes upset my stomach, even with having a meal. I had a turkey and ham sandwich when I took it and my stomach is still bothering me. I don’t get it. I know it’s an extended release drug so maybe that is why it is bothering me. I don’t want to stop taking it. I plan on calling my doc on Friday to tell him how it’s going. I was going to call this afternoon but it’s late now and the office is closed.

Someone on Twitter just posted a stigmatizing meme on depression. It said that 200 million people will suffer from depression and with it a loss of 17 million dollars in work loss production. Why is depression always targeted as a work loss? Why isn’t arthritis or diabetes seen as work loss days as well? It sickens me that these people who want to destigmatize mental health are hindering it with these numbers. How is a person supposed to be open with their employer when they could get canned because they call out too much for their illness? Or worse, be open during the interview and not get hired because their employer will see this as work loss production. It just astounds me, and pisses me off.

I was thinking of making fish and chips tonight but it’s too hot in the kitchen to turn on the oven. I don’t know what I will have for dinner tonight. Maybe I will have just a bagel.

Wicked Hot and Tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wicked Hot and Tired

The temp finally reached 90 degrees and the humidity is about the same, if not higher. It’s gross. So what does my mother do after getting her blood drawn for tests? Go food shopping. I swear she bought the store because there were two carts of shopping. And guess who had to lug these bags up the stairs to our apartment? My ankle is hating me right now. I was drenched. I went slow so not to exhaust myself because the house was hotter than it was outside. We don’t have AC in the house, just in my room where I can be comfortably cold. It took forever to cool down my room because I had shut off the AC before leaving the house. Why waste energy. We were gone for about three hours, two at the damn grocery store. I seriously was getting worried because it was close to lunch time and wasn’t sure if she was becoming hypo or not. My mother has diabetes and that doesn’t bode well with hot weather. But she made it alright. Two carriages later!

Now that my mother has stocked the freezer and fridge, there is no point in me doing my shopping this week. I really wanted to get BallPark patties again so I could have a cheeseburger when I wanted one. They are really good and taste like a Salisbury steak, if you like that. Maybe I will buy them anyways. I need to get more powerade so I don’t run out. The nice part of getting the burgers is so I don’t pay the same price at a sub shop for one. I get a package of I think 8 burgers for $7. It’s easy to make, just 75 seconds in the microwave and fix it the way you want it. YUM! Whereas if you go to the sub shop, you are paying $8 plus delivery tip and if you need a drink. So it could be as much as 15 bucks. For one burger! All this talk about burgers is really making me want one. But I don’t get paid until Wednesday.

I started writing my therapist another letter. It’s going to take weeks for her to read them. And I don’t care. This was her request and she got it. I have been slowing down in my writing to her though. Since I have been writing, I haven’t been texting her as much. I have no idea if she has service in Hawaii or not. Though she might be on her way home by now. I can’t wait to talk to her next week. There is so much to catch up on.

Other than this blog, I have not done any writing today. I should have grabbed a notepad with me to bring while I was waiting for my mother while she shopped. I could have written something. But I didn’t think of it. Course I just thought she was just getting a “few things” and we’d be out sooner than I thought we were. Just fucking kills me that I waste so much time during the day and then when I do have something to write it’s really late and I am tired. Of course, my best ideas come in the evening/late hours. I should just leave time open then to write. But then baseball interferes as I have to listen to the game. Today is a double header because the game was rained out last night. One game is at 5 and the other at 10. I don’t think I have ever been more excited and I don’t know why. I know they are going to lose, but you never know by how much. They have the rookie pitcher playing the first game. He is really good, when his location is on the mark, and the umpire is a good one. Lately, the umps have sucked and called close pitches balls instead of strikes. Pisses a lot of fans of, including me!

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by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up in pain this morning so took some pain pills. If I had known they were going to make me drowsy all day, I wouldn’t have taken the two. I have been asleep on and off for most of the day. I slept so much that it’s too late now to have a cup of coffee. I was looking forward to making it. I will tomorrow.

While I was waiting for the meds to work, I started writing a letter to my therapist. I don’t think I wrote very much as the meds worked faster than I thought it would. I will go back to it sometime later this evening to finish it off. I am almost up to ten pages and I think that is enough for one envelope. I didn’t write all in one sitting. It is an accumulation of the last several days. I figured I would just have it all in one document rather than have several documents and then print each one. When I do get up to ten pages, I will then print and mail it out. This is the second packet of letters she will be getting. She is gone this week so will have another packet sent sometime next weekend. She will have a lot of reading to do when she is back, but she wanted it. I warned her there would be a lot of writing. I just wish the writing was useful so I could use it for my book. I wanted to do some of that kind of writing today but it didn’t happen. I need Hyde to write and he has gone underground or something. He is my muse as well as an “alter”.

It is wicked humid, so humid that my room is barely cool. I have the AC on medium and at 62. It’s fighting to keep the room at this temp. The whole house is so hot, I don’t know how my mother can stand it. But she refuses to have an AC because she doesn’t like the cold and the electric bill that follows. Weirdo she is.

Baseball game isn’t on until eight. I have no idea what to do with my time. I just have been on Twitter and FB. Neither have been really interesting. I missed the BPD chat on Twitter. I always forget because I have dinner the same time as the chat so I miss it. Tonight’s topic was on friendships and it was interesting with lots of discussion. I like this chat because it’s my one time during the week I get to socialize with people with similar issues. I don’t have BPD, but I used to have the traits (meaning I met some of the criteria for the disorder but not quite).

I read on Twitter that a mother was arrested at a food court with her children 30 feet away while doing a job interview. What bothers me is that this mother is black. If she was white, I doubt anyone would have batted an eye. Now this woman has a criminal record, which no employer wants, and how is she supposed to care for her kids now? Child services most like will be on her tail and she may not even have custody anymore. It’s just sad. I don’t agree with what she did but 30 feet is not far, in my opinion. It wasn’t like what that other mother did, leaving the kids in a hot car while going on an interview. That was terrible.

Because I have been so sleepy the last few days, I haven’t been reading much. I finished Uncle Tom’s Cabin finally early last week. I have been trying to get into Neil Gaiman’s “American Gods” but the book is very weird and strange. I have to put the book down after I read a chapter. Since the last time I read it, I haven’t been able to pick it up. I have the “Game of Thrones” book but that one is more scary than strange. I really want to read Harry Potter but I don’t have the books with me and I don’t know where they are. I want to buy the paperback collection on Amazon but I don’t think I will be able to afford it this month. It is my “being alive” reward to myself. I probably will be able to get it next month, if my finances cooperate. I have to get a BP monitor so I can watch my heart rate and check my blood pressure when I have pain spikes. My old machine died and I really need to get it replaced. Walgreens had the machine for $90 but the same model on Amazon was less than half price. Score for me! It is a wrist monitor so I don’t have to struggle with getting the thing on my upper arm. I don’t know how reliable these things are as who takes the blood pressure from the wrist? But it must be accurate as my friend, who also has high blood pressure, uses the model I am getting. I just hope I am not wasting my money on it.

I had a friend that I had to cut ties with because she always and only calls on me when she is in crisis. The last time we talked, I was trying to get her not to cut. She cut anyway despite my attempts to tell her that if she did, our friendship was over. I had to do something DBT like to get her to stop the cutting impulse and I failed. She recently tried to contact me again, not understanding why I was so upset with her. I haven’t responded to her messages because I just can’t handle her right now. I am struggling with my demons and it would be foolish to try and help her when I can’t even help myself. I feel really bad about not helping her but I won’t stand for someone injuring themselves while trying to help them. That’s just wrong in my book.