Tag: depression

update and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

We had a death in the extended family a couple of days ago and today is the wake. I wasn’t planning on going to the wake because I don’t like them. I knew my mother wouldn’t be watching TV so I took the opportunity to binge watch Bones. I had, or thought I had, the last 6 episodes of the season’s finale. The 2 hour show turned out to be about Tom Brady and Deflategate. I go to the episode where Cam is in the Middle East, and it’s a partial recording. UGH!!!! I did watch the episode where Brennan lets Booth stay for the night. I am glad they are working things out and he is doing his best to not be a gambler anymore. It still sucks not having them together but at least it hasn’t affected their work. I really love the show. The next episode was going to be about a serial killer that haunts Brennan and I couldn’t watch it so I am done with the TV for now. I might watch Rizzoli and Isles next. Thing that sucks about Rizzoli is that they live tweet the episode. I try not to be around that time but then they go all west coast and I am like AAAGGHHHHH. I don’t want to hear it because I haven’t watch it yet!! I like to watch it in my own time and binge watch the episodes.

After I had my breakfast and coffee, I didn’t go back to sleep like I planned on doing. I was able to borrow my sister’s car and get my prescription as well as do some shopping. I got my burgers and buns so I can have them to eat. I like them better than ordinary hamburger. My mother was asking whether it was cheaper just to buy the hamburger and I said it’s about the same. I like getting the pre-made burgers whereas she gets the ground beef. It’s the same just already made for cooking burgers, if that is what you are using it for. Like if I am making manwich, I will buy the ground beef. But if I want burgers, I will get the pre-made stuff. It costs about the same so it’s not like it’s costing me a fortune. But if I go to the meat market, I get more burgers than at Stop and Shop for the same price.

I am feeling a little bit better than I was this morning. I still feel down, but not like a ton of bricks down. I hope this morning was a one time thing. I can’t remember a morning where I ever woke up so depressed in the last three years since I have been on disability. Sure, I would when I had to go to work. I remember waking up and wanting to call out because I just couldn’t face the day. Or my therapist made me call out because I was too depressed to work. One time I refused to call out, so she called out for me. It’s funny now but it wasn’t back then. She was giving the line of if I call out now it will benefit my future or some shit like that. My therapist is whacked. I miss her though. I will be seeing her in a few days. I am sure she can’t wait to get back to her office tomorrow.

***Trigger warning***

I have been bitten by a mosquito in my room. The sucker bit me four times in one night so it was hungry. I didn’t wake with new bites this morning so I think it left my room. But the bites are so damn itchy it’s making me want to cut them off. Like if I cut them open, it will go away. The center of the bite looks pussy like so I am thinking if I cut that out, it will stop the itch. I did that with one of the bites and it helped. But now I have another bite that is just so damn itchy. I have been putting hydrocortisone cream on to calm it down. Unfortunately, the cream is not near me at the moment, but the razors are. I am trying my best to distract myself from the itch and the urges to cut. It is so difficult. I don’t want to cut to self-harm, per se, I just want the itch to stop. I hate bug bites. One of the bites are on top of old scars that I have (all the bites are on my cutting arm). So scratching the old scars is triggering me more than anything.

I got productive after I posted my last blog post. I printed off some suicide research articles. It made for interesting reading. But I stupidly got O’Connor confused with O’Carroll in my thoughts. I am glad I didn’t write to O’Connor telling him how great I thought his article was when he didn’t publish it. It would have been such a blunder. I was checking his citations last night (O’Connor’s) and I couldn’t find the “Babel” one. It really shaped the way suicidology should be moving forward to get rid of the ambiguity of what is meant by a suicide attempter. But it was really O’Carroll that wrote the article. I felt so stupid. But at least I didn’t write something publicly stupid! I did read what O’Connor has written over the last 10 years. He has a couple of paper about suicide and rumination. Maybe it can help me understand why I ruminate so much about suicide so much and also help me try and stop it. I think that if I try that, maybe I won’t get so suicidal anymore? It is just a theory that I have about it. I have read somewhere about how rumination can be damaging. I don’t know if it was his articles or someone else’s. The analysis that he did in one of the articles was about how the studies of rumination scales different with each study he found. No two studies used the same scale items because of various reasons, which stinks because if they did, it would have given “power” to the analysis. You always want a little of that to validate a study. I am not familiar with the scale they were talking about so I can’t really comment on it, but I do know a little about statistical analyses. I took Stats three times so I should know something!

Waking up Depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Waking up Depressed

There was no weird dream, or any dream, really, that made me feel depressed when I woke up this morning. I don’t know why I feel depressed at this hour. The day hasn’t even started. I was reading about a friend of mine that killed himself a little over six months ago. A friend had written the most beautiful story about him. It was found out that my friend that died, actually did suffer from depression, something I didn’t know. I was never close to him. Just an acquaintance from long ago when our lives were just starting out. We never hung out while we were adults. I never really hung out with him as a young one either. But he was special. I had suffered my depression, in silence and alone. No one knew the depths of my depression. I always tried to keep it hidden from people. It just was not talked about.

My therapist and psychiatrist are probably the only two people on the planet that have seen my horrible, suicidal depressions. I can’t say that I am suicidal right now as I still am trying to wake up. I need breakfast and coffee. Maybe then my depression that I feel right now will lift some. I just feel really down and like the walls are closing in around me. I haven’t seen my therapist in two weeks because she has been on vacation. I see her Tuesday but that day seems so far away from now. I’m starting to feel hopeless that I will ever get “better”. I don’t even know what that means. People always talk about recovery with mental illness, but I have yet to experience it. My mood always seems to go from one extreme to back to my low level depression and stay there. I don’t experience job or happiness. I don’t know what those are anymore. With my disability check this month, I decided to “spoil” myself and get the Harry Potter book collection. I felt I had earned that since I just came out of yet another suicidal depression. I was to kill myself on the 17th of this month. It got foiled because I told my therapist and my psychiatrist I was suicidal. If I didn’t, I probably wouldn’t be here, writing this blog.

My depressions have gotten worse as I get older. They last longer and are deeper than they were when I was younger. I have been suffering from these depressions since I was 15, but probably longer than that. I didn’t receive the help that I need until I was in my teens. That was when I had enough and wanted to die. I still want to die. I can’t imagine living this life yet I just continue to exist. It is a painful existence. It feels like my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces and I don’t know why that is. I just feel really down. I have no interest in doing anything today, even though I have to go pick up my prescription. I am totally out of this medication that I need. I am also out of my vitamin D, but that should come in tomorrow. If I am able to borrow my sister’s car, I will try and go out today, but I can’t make any promises. It’s just a struggle to get dressed and ready to do things outside the house. It is tiring when you already feel like you have no energy or motivation. But I got to do it, even though I feel lousy. Maybe while I am at the pharmacy, I can go food shopping and get my favorite burgers. I haven’t had a burger in a few weeks. It is my favorite food, aside from pizza. BallPark came out with burger patties that are very good and easy to make. I like food that is easy to make as I can’t really cook. I need specific instructions/recipe to cook. I am not like my mother that just puts the oven on and cooks for a half hour and then say the meal is done. She did that the other night to the French fries and fish she was making. It was soggy. I would have cooked it a little more so it was crispy. But then she doesn’t have teeth so need soft things.

I made my coffee and had some left over Chinese food for “breakfast”. I didn’t feel like making eggs so I just had something that was already cooked. Even making the simplest things are hard when you are depressed. I used to love making an egg for breakfast, usually fried or scrabbled, with cheese on toast. But when you think of all that you have to do to make it, put the bread in the toaster, get the butter for the pan, crack the egg, season the egg, etc., it is tiring when you are feeling low. Even my coffee is hard when I am this depressed. I have to measure out the coffee, boil the water, get my favorite mug that I use, put two sugars in the cup. Pour the water after it boils. Wait 4 long minutes for the grounds to brew. I am ready for a nap and I haven’t even done anything strenuous. Lately, coffee hasn’t been doing its magic. It’s more like taking a sedative. I am up for a little while and then I crash and need a nap desperately. I don’t know why that is. And I am drinking quality coffee, Starbucks! It is the only coffee I will drink because it is the one that I can make using my French press.

I am looking forward to my therapist being back this week. I hope she can do her thing that gives me hope so it drives away the hopelessness away. Until then, I guess I will have to suffer through this horrible depression, again, alone.

Activities of the Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I woke up around 7 and after I had coffee and breakfast, I fell back to sleep. I guess the coffee wasn’t as strong as I thought it would be, otherwise, I don’t think I would have fallen back asleep. I woke up around 10. I knew that if I didn’t leave the house, I was going to sleep, again. It was just like yesterday where I couldn’t do anything because I was so tired. But I didn’t do anything strenuous to be so exhausted. I know I did a lot on Thursday and it takes me a while to recover. But I should be okay today. I got dressed and went to the post office to mail my therapist her letters. To my shock, the toner for the printer is still going strong. It is the toner that came with the printer and I really wasn’t expecting it to last this long. I don’t print that often, but it seems that it is going well. I must have printed off more than 100 pages and it shows no sign of losing ink. Makes me wonder if buying the extra cartridge was a stupid idea. At least I have it, just in case I run out of ink.

After the post office, I went to get my haircut. There was a bit of a wait but it was worth it. I got it cut like I wanted. I then went to the pizza place and got a few slices for my mother and I for lunch. I came home, had lunch and then took a shower to get the excess hair off my head. I like feeling the hair as it is so short. It feels like a brush, but I don’t like having a handful of hair in the process.

I have been nauseous for most of the day and I finally got the migraine I was dreading. Every time I finished eating something today, I was dry heaving. I usually only get that way when I get migraines. I rarely puke but, man, do I dry heave. It’s terrible. Sometimes I wish I would puke just so the heaving would stop. I took my Zofran (anti-nausea pill) and thought that would be it until I had the pizza. It’s not that warm today to get me exhausted, but I still had to go slow up the stairs to my room. I don’t know why I am so fatigued. Only thing I didn’t do today was go grocery shopping and pick up my prescription.

I have been on and off on Facebook the past few days. I just can’t seem to get away from it, if only because my friends aren’t on Twitter. I had an upsetting moment by a couple of memes and a letter to Caitlyn Jenner. It was very transphobic and it made me very angry. I had to unfollow the friends that posted it. I made a status saying that I won’t tolerate it and if anyone has a problem with this, unfriend me or if they had any negative comment, they would be blocked and reported as harassment. A couple of people starting to congratulate me but were either using an old name that I was using or my birth name. I was getting frustrated so I made another status as to what I should be called on Facebook even though my fucking name hasn’t changed in two years!! Just fucking kills me that people can’t read or pay attention.

With the first status, I think I came out on Facebook as a transgendered male. I don’t know if that came across or not. I didn’t get anyone asking directly. A couple of my close cousins liked the message. I just couldn’t take someone calling Jenner a cross dresser. Being transgender is more than that and emotionally charged. She is living her life the way it is supposed to be lived, now. She no longer has to hide who she is. I am still in the closet but I am slowly opening the door. One day I will tell my mother and it will go a little rocky. I am not expecting her to accept it. I am her first born and I think she will always see me as her little baby girl. That hurts me even saying that. My fear is that it will send me to a suicidal rage, which is why I haven’t told her. I am scared that she will say something and it will drive me off the narrow ledge that I am on every day.

rambling 80

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

Yesterday, I must have did too much because I have been sleeping all day, for most of the day. I had no energy to do anything, not even to make a cup of coffee. Well, actually, I tried and failed at making coffee. I used a disposable K cup and the thing didn’t work. It usually does, but for some reason, it didn’t puncture the bottom so nothing came out. I was so disappointed.

I had a good time last night. I ate way too much but the food was so good. I had a black bean burger and it was so yummy. It taste just like what my sister’s work makes or at least bought. I was surprised I finished it after the appetizers. I tried eating dessert but it was over kill. The thing was huge.

I ordered my eyeglasses. I used a place online that a friend recommended. I just hope they fit. Otherwise I might have to get it adjusted at the eye place. I really wanted to just get lenses for the pair of frames that I already own, but it was too expensive. I saved at least 80 bucks ordering online with new frames. Now I just have to copy my prescription and send it in to the place. I’ll do that tomorrow, if I have the energy.

My mother called me while I was resting. I really didn’t feel like talking to her so I just let the phone go to voicemail. She is making something for dinner. I didn’t ask her what. I don’t really care. I really have not eaten anything today except for a little junk food while I was watching my niece before I collapsed. After watching her, I was going to take a shower and I just felt faint. It was hot in my apartment and I think with me feeling tired, just overwhelmed me. I will take a shower later. Maybe it will wake me up.