Waking up Depressed
There was no weird dream, or any dream, really, that made me feel depressed when I woke up this morning. I don’t know why I feel depressed at this hour. The day hasn’t even started. I was reading about a friend of mine that killed himself a little over six months ago. A friend had written the most beautiful story about him. It was found out that my friend that died, actually did suffer from depression, something I didn’t know. I was never close to him. Just an acquaintance from long ago when our lives were just starting out. We never hung out while we were adults. I never really hung out with him as a young one either. But he was special. I had suffered my depression, in silence and alone. No one knew the depths of my depression. I always tried to keep it hidden from people. It just was not talked about.
My therapist and psychiatrist are probably the only two people on the planet that have seen my horrible, suicidal depressions. I can’t say that I am suicidal right now as I still am trying to wake up. I need breakfast and coffee. Maybe then my depression that I feel right now will lift some. I just feel really down and like the walls are closing in around me. I haven’t seen my therapist in two weeks because she has been on vacation. I see her Tuesday but that day seems so far away from now. I’m starting to feel hopeless that I will ever get “better”. I don’t even know what that means. People always talk about recovery with mental illness, but I have yet to experience it. My mood always seems to go from one extreme to back to my low level depression and stay there. I don’t experience job or happiness. I don’t know what those are anymore. With my disability check this month, I decided to “spoil” myself and get the Harry Potter book collection. I felt I had earned that since I just came out of yet another suicidal depression. I was to kill myself on the 17th of this month. It got foiled because I told my therapist and my psychiatrist I was suicidal. If I didn’t, I probably wouldn’t be here, writing this blog.
My depressions have gotten worse as I get older. They last longer and are deeper than they were when I was younger. I have been suffering from these depressions since I was 15, but probably longer than that. I didn’t receive the help that I need until I was in my teens. That was when I had enough and wanted to die. I still want to die. I can’t imagine living this life yet I just continue to exist. It is a painful existence. It feels like my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces and I don’t know why that is. I just feel really down. I have no interest in doing anything today, even though I have to go pick up my prescription. I am totally out of this medication that I need. I am also out of my vitamin D, but that should come in tomorrow. If I am able to borrow my sister’s car, I will try and go out today, but I can’t make any promises. It’s just a struggle to get dressed and ready to do things outside the house. It is tiring when you already feel like you have no energy or motivation. But I got to do it, even though I feel lousy. Maybe while I am at the pharmacy, I can go food shopping and get my favorite burgers. I haven’t had a burger in a few weeks. It is my favorite food, aside from pizza. BallPark came out with burger patties that are very good and easy to make. I like food that is easy to make as I can’t really cook. I need specific instructions/recipe to cook. I am not like my mother that just puts the oven on and cooks for a half hour and then say the meal is done. She did that the other night to the French fries and fish she was making. It was soggy. I would have cooked it a little more so it was crispy. But then she doesn’t have teeth so need soft things.
I made my coffee and had some left over Chinese food for “breakfast”. I didn’t feel like making eggs so I just had something that was already cooked. Even making the simplest things are hard when you are depressed. I used to love making an egg for breakfast, usually fried or scrabbled, with cheese on toast. But when you think of all that you have to do to make it, put the bread in the toaster, get the butter for the pan, crack the egg, season the egg, etc., it is tiring when you are feeling low. Even my coffee is hard when I am this depressed. I have to measure out the coffee, boil the water, get my favorite mug that I use, put two sugars in the cup. Pour the water after it boils. Wait 4 long minutes for the grounds to brew. I am ready for a nap and I haven’t even done anything strenuous. Lately, coffee hasn’t been doing its magic. It’s more like taking a sedative. I am up for a little while and then I crash and need a nap desperately. I don’t know why that is. And I am drinking quality coffee, Starbucks! It is the only coffee I will drink because it is the one that I can make using my French press.
I am looking forward to my therapist being back this week. I hope she can do her thing that gives me hope so it drives away the hopelessness away. Until then, I guess I will have to suffer through this horrible depression, again, alone.