Tag: depression

Random 685

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I came home after I had my appointment with my pdoc. Before leaving, I went to say good-bye to my former coworker who is heading south. She will be leaving Boston and is such a good friend I had to say good-bye before she left. I also saw the lab manager. She is also a good friend of mine. We reminisced about our working days. But I think I stood too long as my ankle is very angry with me right now. It wasn’t hurting at the time or on the walk home. Soon as I was in the comfort of my home it flared up. I can’t win. This is why I can no longer work anywhere. Just a few minutes standing and I am in agony afterwards or later that night. It is very frustrating.

I talked to my pdoc about my writing and she said “You are writing again”. This was after I sent her a blog the other night. She gave me feedback on it, which I really appreciated. She really enjoys my writing, even if I think it’s crapola. I told her I wasn’t book writing and she just said, “take a break”. Stating the obvious, I know. She didn’t care what kind of writing I was doing, long as I sent her tidbits of it. I told her I was trying desperately to write a transference blog about my therapist but I just couldn’t hold on to the feelings. They were coming in spurts so I wrote in spurts. It was frustrating trying to blog yesterday. Then I got that article about counter-transference in my head and there went the blog. Just 300 words and that was it. I hate when I write short blogs. I sent it off to my therapist so she could read it, if it makes sense. I also told my pdoc that I get really down at night and it’s not funny. Past week I have been experiencing extremely low moods and agitation. Not a good mix when you are post suicidal. I told her every bottle seemed in danger of being taken as an outlet. I wouldn’t act on it. It’s just a rush of feelings I get at once and I want an escape, right now. I don’t do anything but ride the wave and perhaps take an Ativan to quell the agitation. I also told her the voices have been noisy lately as I have been talking to them more. I tend to talk more to them when I am agitated and annoyed. I was talking to them last night as I was laughing at Twitter and they wanted to know what I was laughing about. A conversation ensued. Thank goodness my mother is deaf or I would have some explaining to do! I wasn’t talking in my normal whisper, I was talking aloud, that was how wound up I was last night. The voices have been a part of my being since I was five. I don’t know how to live my life without them. They keep me ‘sane’. It is annoying sometimes as they are always watching me and commenting on what I am doing, or wanting to know what I am doing.

I didn’t wake up in pain this morning but I did wake up earlier than expected. I am tired now. I even had coffee today and I was in a good mood till I came home and my foot exploded. Being in chronic pain is exhausting. I just tried to go to the pharmacy but I bumped into my aunt and she said the lights are out. I will go tomorrow. I really wanted to have my prescription tonight but at least I have it. It came in the mail today.

Hate

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I have been stuck on transference of my therapist since I wrote my last blog. I don’t know why, but I just hate her and I don’t want anything to do with her anymore. I want to end therapy. I know I get this way whenever she goes on vacation. The more she is away, the more I don’t want to go back to therapy. Then I feel guilty and try to get back the sessions I canceled. I go back and forth with this until I get settled back in. But this time it’s different. I really don’t want to go back or settle in therapy because I am feeling so much hate towards her. I don’t know where this hate is coming from. I don’t know if it is because she wants me still alive and I don’t want to be or because she went on vacation when I needed her the most. I know that sounds pathetic but it could be that I am hurt by her being gone and I just don’t know what to do but hate her. I don’t even want to talk about it, if only to spare her feelings.

I don’t like this hating my therapist. She technically didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t disrespect me. She didn’t break any boundaries. All she did was try and save my life. And I can’t help but hate her for it. I feel the same way towards my pdoc. I guess what is really hurting me is that I haven’t expressed this hate towards either of them. I just go with the flow. In my family, if you hate someone, you don’t have anything to do with them ever again. My father has done this to numerous family members. That is why he is alone.

I am very tired as I didn’t sleep well. I woke up around 4, in pain. I took something for it and then went to sleep for a couple of hours. I finally gave up around 0930 when I couldn’t go back to sleep. I went to my father’s after I had my coffee. It was really good today. I don’t know what I did differently, but the flavors of the coffee were really full and rich. I need to get more half and half but it was too hot today to be lugging it in this heat. If I get a chance today, I will get my sister’s car and go to the grocery store. That is the last thing I need to buy. I bought my T-pass for the month so now I am broke. This sucks. But I should be getting my rebate from Sprint soon so that will be good.

What keeps ringing in my mind is an article I read a few years ago about counter-transference hate in relation to suicide. It was co-written by two Harvard University psychiatrists. To my knowledge, there has not been a paper about the patient’s experience of hate towards the therapist or psychiatrist and how it interferes with treatment. Way I feel right now, I just want to quit therapy, for good. I am just so damned pissed.

My pain medication prescription has not come by mail yet. I am almost out of my pain meds and it is creating anxiety for me. I only have the strong pain meds, but am reluctant to take them because 1) they aren’t for regular pain that I experience and 2) they constipate me really bad. I have to pick up my niece soon. I am hoping my therapist calls me because if she doesn’t, that will only make the hate worsen. Course, I do have the laziest mailman on the planet. We usually get the mail around 1 and lately we have been getting it after 1530. We literally never know when the mail is going to show up, if it is at all. This isn’t helping my anxiety around not having pain meds because I have to walk several blocks to pick up my niece. And it’s hotter than hell outside.

Lost

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Lost

Had therapy today. I am glad I don’t have therapy tomorrow. I am glad my therapist is back, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that since coming off my suicidal plan, I feel disconnected with her and I am angry with her because she is keeping me here, if only for her own needs. Least that is what it feels like. I feel lost and trapped in this world and I don’t know what to do in it anymore. I have been trying to write but nothing comes of it so I just blog. It gives me some sense of purpose because maybe it will help someone who is going through the same thing.

I have been following the chat on Twitter for the Tennessee Suicide Prevention Network conference (TSPN15). They had a doctor on that has been dealing with suicidal thoughts for 60 years. He had his first breakdown in medical school and had to drop out. He started Suicide Anonymous and then was surprised by his own relapse. I know the struggle he is facing. I may not have 60 years of it, but I battle through each day as if it was my last, because it could be. I don’t live for tomorrow because tomorrow doesn’t exist. Neither does next week or next month or even next year. To take from my favorite poem, I just have this moment and that is all that matters to me. What I do with it cannot be undone. Sure, I am typing these words and in one keystroke, I can lose them forever, but I choose not to do that. Not today anyways. This is why I always use a word doc to write my blogs because I am afraid of losing what I write on the web app. I have lost too many precious words that way and I refuse to lose my future insights.

My therapist was on a roll. She was talking for at least thirty minutes. I was getting tired of listening to her so I asked if time was up. I usually do this when I get antsy and want the session to end. But no, we still had twenty long minutes to talk. I told her I don’t know if this is effective anymore, that maybe we are just wasting time talking as I just seem to be deeper in a pit than out of it. I always seem to bring in new ideas but they never seem to get anywhere. We will have a “transference” session and I think things will change but next session is always the same. It’s like she forgets what we talk about. I get exasperated and just go with it. I don’t think it’s worth arguing over. I wish I could pinpoint what exactly pisses me off but I can’t. I just feel so awful that I think I am just expecting her to feel awful, too, but she isn’t and I feel more alone. I know she can’t share my feelings because I don’t think she gets depressed. But if she did, I don’t think I would want to know because then I would be her helper and she wouldn’t be mine. She does notice when I discount myself. It drives her crazy as she said so today. I wrote her a huge pile of letters, which I called bullshit. But she hasn’t read them yet so is thinking they are wonderful. I just wish I felt something other than feeling low sometimes. I had a feeling of happiness a little bit today when I found out my “little” cousin had a baby boy yesterday. He came into the world a few weeks early! My “little” cousin is in his 30s. I remember when he was little, he always called the house for us to come down to his Nonna’s to play with him. He is a sweet kid. He has a good wife and I couldn’t be more proud.

The happiness has left just as quickly as it came. It is such a fleeting emotion. It never lasts long with me. I try to hold on to it as long as possible but it takes too much energy. It’s tiring to be something you’re not. So I am back to being my depressed self. Last night, my academic self was in heaven. I finally got access to past journal articles of Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior. I got quite a few articles to read. Reading this stuff makes me a little happy because it could be the key to my own happiness and might just help me understand my moods a little better. I know that if I never found this journal or the works of Jobes, Shneidman, and Holden, I really don’t think I would be alive today. The works of Jobes allowed my therapist and I to explore the inner workings of my suicidality. Shneidman and Holden dealt with the pain and how to recognize the severity of it that could lead to a suicide attempt. I wish that was the case when I was thinking of taking my life on the 17th of July. The date is not significant to me. It is just a day I pulled out of a hat. I wanted to kill myself because I just couldn’t take living anymore. I had enough. I had the date picked at least two months before. This was to give me time to think things over and if I really wanted to kill myself on that day. Like previous times, I sometimes am hopeful on the day I wake up. But if I woke up in a rotten mood, I would have ended it. This time I did wake up in a rotten mood, but only because I was thwarted by going through with my thoughts. I had let my therapist and psychiatrist know of my plans. A dumb thing to do when you are suicidal. I don’t know why I tell them. Maybe it is because I am looking for hope that I just don’t have. There has been times when I have been suicidal outside of my “planned” dates. Those nights have been the hardest to get through. That doctor I was talking about earlier wrote a book about suicide addiction. And that is what it is. And addiction to suicide. You just can’t help but think about it. Though, I really think it has more to do with rumination than being addicted to suicidal thoughts. Because you are always thinking about your plan and ending your life, it leaves no room for thinking about anything else. You want it badly, yet you know there are people in your life that would be crushed if you died. It is always a guilt game that is played. The would be survivors that haul you in for another day of living a life you don’t want to live. And maybe that tomorrow won’t be so painful and depressing. You are always looking for that “high” of being relieved of the pressure on your chest. But it never comes and you just feel lost and alone.

bad day turned good

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, depression, mood disorders

I had planned on going out today but my damn nerve injury is preventing it from happening. The Harry Potter books that I have ordered are on their way to being delivered. So I might as well stay home even though I want to go out. In a way it’s my fault the nerve injury is acting up today. I took too much stuff to relieve my constipation and now I am paying the price with loose stools.

I didn’t think nothing of the gas that I passed. Except the second one I knew that it wasn’t air. And when I got to the bathroom, I found out I shit my pants. I am in a really bad mood. I also feel dizzy for some reason. I am probably dehydrated from the runs. I just started drinking some powerade. I think I need to keep my fluids up because I feel weak as well. I have been having loose stool over the last several days, but today is the worse of it. I didn’t go to the bathroom on Saturday so I thought I was backed up. I guessed wrong. I am always in a sour mood when I shit my pants. I just want to go back to sleep and start the day over again.

I really wanted to get a coffee at Starbucks today, just to get out. I really have not left the house all weekend. Only time I left the house it was to go to Stop and Shop for my prescription and groceries, which only took about fifteen minutes to do (I am a fast shopper, get in and get out!) I only needed a few items and the check out line was quick. But because I can’t trust my bowels, I can’t leave the house and I don’t think coffee will be a good idea anyways. I bought my burgers so I might have that for lunch. I am still debating because I feel so weak.

I checked for mail and my Harry Potter books came!! I got so much reading to do!! And I am going to enjoy it! I love HP! I have been salivating over these books since I ordered them. It is kind of weird that I ordered my BP monitor first and the books came before the monitor did. I don’t care. I get to read the entire collection and I tend to get pretty engaged in the book. JK Rowling is a terrific writer! Better than I will ever be. She suffered from depression, too. Her life has not been an easy one. Did you know that HP got rejected like 55 times?? How is that for persevering. I will probably be done with the Chamber of Secrets before the BP monitor comes. HEHEHE. I am happy. I just hope my mood stays up, or at least this level while I enjoy reading my books! I will put aside the suicide research stuff for now. That makes me happy, too. But not as happy as HP, Hermione, and Ron.

The research stuff that I printed out over the weekend has to do with suicide and rumination. I will read it in between breaks from HP. I guess it’s good that my bowels were upset today because now I can just stay at home and read.