I am in pain. I don’t know what I did, but my ankle is swollen and painful. It was hurting before I left the house and I think going out caused it to flare up more. I really want some rice but will hold off until the pain meds kick in before venturing downstairs again.
Had therapy today and am going to try for tomorrow as well. My therapist wants to see me more now that her vacation is moving up in terms of time. She is here next week and then the following two weeks, she is “gone”, as she puts it. Her talking about being gone is not helping my anxiety. She knows that my pdoc is around and will be keeping a closer eye on me, now that they know the plan. My therapist didn’t have a chance to read any of the blogs that I sent her. I told her one was longer than the other, so beware. She is so dense, that she forgot that she only seen me yesterday. She said that it felt like “ages ago”. She is gone with the wind, I’m telling you.
We talked more about Hyde, mostly because she didn’t read the blogs so I had to explain things. We talked about how I have decided to write at least two blogs per day. My writing bug just doesn’t seem satisfied with one. I have time I put aside in the afternoon for my blog and then I feel like writing later in the evening. I always tend to write the darker stuff then because that is when darkness will hit me. Sometimes I will write in my journal before writing another blog. But lately that hasn’t worked out too well. I feel the need to express myself, otherwise, I think I will end up killing myself.
She tried to do a psychache assessment, which I shot down because it was stupid, at this point. I am sort of not really registering my emotions. I will either feel depressed or suicidal. I have no other feelings. I don’t feel emotional pain that much anymore. I am too numb to feel it, or jaded. I introduced her to all of this so I can bypass the assessment. If she had come up with it, it would be a different story. Some tools therapists just don’t have. They finish their training thinking they know everything and it is far from the course. Pisses me off. But at least she is open minded to new assessments, even though I know she doesn’t do this with any of her other clients, which is a shame.
I asked my therapist what my diagnosis is. She said that it could be either Recurrent Major Depression, treatment resistant with psychotic features NOS or BP2, depression. I’m going to go with the MDD diagnosis. It is more familiar to me rather than BP2. She also said that I have some DID, NOS (Dissociative Identity Disorder, Not otherwise specified). The PTSD is a given. I have had that most of my life and continue to experience it. We didn’t talk about personality disorders. I don’t think I have one anymore. But will ask tomorrow if we meet. If not, I will definitely ask her Tuesday. I just looked at my schedule and it is going to be another busy Tuesday. I have the appointment with my physiatrist in the morning. And just as predicted, the pain that I was feeling in my toes has dissipated. I am sure if you press on them (I won’t), I will have pain. The new medicine he put me on did not help as much as he wanted it to. The only thing that has helped me is baclofen. I don’t take it twice a day like I used to but even taking it once a day helps. I am on a low dose so I think he might want to increase it the next time I see him. I am fine where it is and less is always better. I am nervous about seeing him though. It’s been at least six months or more since I last saw him. I was supposed to see him in Feb but between the snowstorms and the T being down, it was difficult. I just canceled the appointment and never rescheduled. Until my foot started acting up again, driving me crazy.
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