Tag: depression

Sunday Dinner

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

My sisters invited me to have Sunday dinner downstairs. I obliged. It was good food and laughs. After eating, I cleared the plates and then went upstairs again. My ankle was acting up and I wanted to put it up like I have it now. It sucks that I still can’t do stairs like I used to.

For the umpteenth time, I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up in the early morning hours and then some how fell back to sleep around 7 or 8. I probably would have slept longer but my father called me, waking me up. I didn’t answer the first time, so of course, he called a second time. When I didn’t pick up (I really didn’t want to talk to him), my sister started calling me. That was it. I was up. I called him to find out what the hell was going on. He said he had a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I told him he doesn’t as I canceled it. He asked why and I said because my foot hurts. It was a small lie. I really canceled it because they would be removing his mole and I would have to change his bandage every day until it healed. Fuck that. I wasn’t going to go over there every day, not when my suicidality is up. He would drive me to drink and then I would be in worse shape. I really despise my father and any time I have to deal with him is a hassle and a half.

I was on Twitter for most of the time last night and all that was talked about was the fight and the NFL draft. Boring. So I picked up a book to read, The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman. It has a good story line but feels empty, like it’s missing something. I will be giving my review after I finish reading it. I am already on chapter 4 and it is a short book. I should be done with it probably tomorrow. I had to read something. I hate not reading when I have nothing to do on the laptop anymore. I still haven’t found a game or even looked for a game on FB. It’s too soon. I also keep unfriending my gamer friends. Any time they post something, I unfriend. I feel bad doing so but we don’t know each other or have common interests other than the game we played. And now that I am not playing anything, why bother being friends. We don’t interact or talk. There have been some that do and those people I will keep as friends, but the others are going.

Baseball doesn’t start till late tonight. Game is either on Fox or ESPN, most likely ESPN and I hate watching games on that network. I probably will listen to the radio. I have no idea who is pitching tonight. I say the line up but for the life of me I cannot remember the pitcher. The lineup is the same as it was yesterday, only exception is that Nava is batting 7th instead of Holt. I don’t know if I am going to be up for most of the game. I am really starting to feel tired and I had my coffee later than I usually have it today because I woke up so late. I am glad I don’t have anything to do tomorrow so hopefully I will just have another day of rest. If I feel inclined to go out, I will but it all depends on how I feel and how much sleep I get.

I think I am going to take a shower tonight, before the game. It might calm down some of the pain that I am having in my foot, or at least, distract it for a while. I know I took a shower yesterday but I just feel “dirty” for some reason.

My mood has been low today. I keep wishing I was dead. I just don’t want to live anymore. Nothing makes me happy. It will be Mother’s day next week and I have no idea what to get my mother. I thought about getting her a card thanking her for all she does for me, but then she pissed me off today calling me names. The worse part is that she keeps on calling me “miss” and it is driving me nuts. I am not a “MISS”! I fricken hate my mother so why should I pretend to be nice to her for one fricken day of the year when she treats me so poorly emotionally?? It just infuriates me and makes me feel worse than what I already feel.

Saturday Blog 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain

Saturday Blog 19

To my surprise, I wasn’t as sore as I thought I was going to be. I did a few errands and then watched the baseball game. We lost to the Skankees, 4-2. It was a short game (just under 3 hours), even for the team they were playing, but it felt like it was long. The bats were not flying. I hope we can at least take one game from them tomorrow.

The game officially came to an end sometime yesterday afternoon. Now my FB feed is full of my friends’ status. I wasn’t getting them before as I would only be getting the game feed. I had to take a break as I was scrolling and missing my game. I have been trying to stay off of Facebook but it’s been difficult. I went on Twitter, and have been using that more. I tweeted a lot during the baseball game. Much to my surprise, I didn’t lose any followers this time around. But I didn’t swear so that might have been the case. I didn’t have my phone with me when Ogando gave up a home run. I was swearing then.

I’m still bummed that I didn’t get my glasses yesterday because they made them wrong. I tried reading Dostoevsky last night and either my eyesight is getting weaker or the print of the book is getting smaller. I am straining my eyes to read this book. I should go to another one but I hate starting a book and then moving to another one. I still have Andrew Solomon’s book “Far From The Tree” to read. I am about half way through that book. I haven’t touched it since leaving the hospital in last August. Maybe I will read that. It’s not a fun book to read though as it is about children with disabilities and their parents that will do anything and everything for them to get the kids the services they need. It’s a struggle but they persevere. I haven’t read stories about the kids with mental illnesses yet. I can’t imagine that isn’t included. But I am not done with the book so who knows. I also have a book by Thomas Waite that I have been meaning to get to. It’s a sci-fi book about technology, least I think it is sci-fi. He follows me on Twitter and I follow him and that is how I learned of his book. He has had some good reviews, which is why I got the book. But it’s collecting dust along with my other unread books pile.

Foot/ankle has been okay today, which is weird. I was really expecting a day of pain. Maybe I will tonight. Pain usually come out around seven and can last until I fall asleep from exhaustion or drugs. But I was expecting to be in pain all day today because of my activities yesterday. I didn’t have a good night of sleep, again, last night. I woke up around 0400 because nature called and didn’t go back to sleep till around 0800. I slept for a few hours before I gave up. My sister was home so I took her car to Starbucks for my morning coffee. I also got my coffee beans grounded for the French press while I was there. I had ordered the bag online because it was 25% off.

Lot of traveling

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain

Lot of traveling

I did a lot of traveling around the T (my public transportation system) today. Started with a trip to Starbucks for my morning coffee and breakfast sandwich. I did some writing and then it was time to go to see my pdoc. It was good seeing her again. She appears to be recovering nicely from her hip and I am glad. We talked about how things have been and then about my father’s troubles or rather how much of a pain in the ass he is. I wasn’t feeling too good when I saw her. I have been feeling dizzy most of the day. I had a couple waves of dizziness while sitting with her but I didn’t tell her. I didn’t want to worry her.

After my appointment, I went to the eyeglass place to get my glasses. They weren’t made right so I had to return them to get them fixed. The woman said they would expedite the work but didn’t know how long it was going to take. Good thing I wore my trusty old pair or I would have gotten a headache with all the running around I did today. I was kind of upset. I hope they get done quickly. I need to read Dostoevsky. My trusty pair of glasses are slowly making me strain to see as the prescription is so old.

My game has officially ended. I talked about that with my pdoc today. I didn’t talk about my suicidality, at all. I told her I was depressed and left it at that. When I brought up what I told my therapist about her saying I was her role model, her face lit up. She was really sincere and I hadn’t heard wrong. I told her little things like that help keep me here.

While going home, for the second time, I bumped into a friend of mine I hadn’t spoken to in years. We sat and talk a while. It was so good talking with him. He gave me updates his life and I gave him updates of mine. He is such a swell guy. I had a copy of my book with me so I gave it to him and signed it. He was so excited to see me. I was thinking about him the other day. I realized we have been friends for more than 20 years. We might not be in touch every day but when we do, we generally have a good time talking. He and his brother were milieu counselors where I had a lengthy psych hospital stay at the time.

My calves feel like they are going to fall off the bone. They are so tender from walking all over the place today. According to an app that I have, I walked 1 hour and 53 minutes. That is a lot of walking when you are not used to it. I am sure I will be sore tomorrow. I am not planning on going out. I also know I am going to be in pain tonight and tomorrow. It’s a given. I don’t know if it will stretch out to Sunday. Time will only tell. Right now my ankle is not happy with me, at all. I took a pain med to try and ease the pain before it gets worse. My mother noticed how exhausted I am while I was eating dinner. I left the house around 0845 and didn’t come home until around 1630. I don’t think I have ever been out of the house that long since becoming disabled. Even though I am hurting, I am glad that I did the amount of walking I did. Only problem is that because I didn’t sleep well (I went to bed late then woke up every hour since 0330), I wasn’t able to shower this morning like I wanted to. And it doesn’t look good for tonight. Though I have been able to once I rest for a few hours. It’s such a balancing act. You’re damned if you do and then damned if you don’t. Right now I am wondering how I am going to stand while gathering my meds tonight. I didn’t fill my pill box this week. I get lazy and just don’t do it some weeks. Then it becomes a hodgepodge of what meds I do take and which ones I don’t. I try and remember to take them all but some nights, like tonight, I just can’t stand that long to take them.

I found out yesterday that my friend’s mother passed away. Her wake is Monday and I am going to try and go. If I can find dressy clothes that fit me. I have known my friend since kindergarten.

Goodbye, Jack

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, suicidality, suicide

Goodbye, Jack

Since very early this morning, I have been playing my game like crazy to get as many missions done as possible. Only to find, that it is impossible to finish all the missions. I am going to miss this game. I don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow evening to wind down. I have a busy morning but when I come home, there isn’t going to be a game waiting for me to tend to crops and animals. It is going to be so weird. I still am thinking about getting off of Facebook for a while. I can already see that there is just going to be more bullshit photos of sayings and prayers. I have been slowly unfriending my gamer friends so they are not in my feed and my real friends are there. There is one gamer that has baby goats and like to post their pics. I could care less.

I had an interesting session with my therapist. I told her I was a nobody and for some reason, that triggered her into crying. She said it had to do with my self-regard. I don’t know why she took it personally. It is how I feel, a nothing, a nobody. Then I felt bad that she cried. But then, I have no idea the effect I have on people. It all started when I was telling her I don’t matter and the winner of the writing contest keeps coming up. It just hurts me that I didn’t win or even get a thank you for entering but sorry you didn’t win. I was one of 100 people that entered the contest. Surely they could have sent out sorry letters/emails. I just hate it when she says I contribute and I am wondering what the hell I am contributing to, exactly? It isn’t toward an academic journal or research lab. It isn’t even on the social media presence on Twitter. Hell, I tweet all the time and only 0.01 percent of the time, I get a response. So how am I contributing??

I entered another AAS contest, though I think I am wasting my money. I never win, but if you don’t play, you can’t win so I paid the money for the raffle and I will know June 2nd if I won. It’s an all inclusive package to Chicago for the 2016 annual conference. If I don’t win, I am never entering anymore contests from the AAS. I can’t be wasting money that can be used elsewhere.

My therapist was a real pita today. In addition to making her cry, she was just all in my business. I swear I was going to hang up on her if she told me one more positive thing about myself. I just couldn’t stand it. It’s one thing to hear it from time to time, but the last three days has been overwhelming me. It really is hard for the good stuff to sink in and I felt like she was hammering me with it. I understand that today I was going to end my life but now, I am not. And I really don’t know how I feel about that. Sure, I feel like a failure. But the last few days, I have been thinking about the people that would miss me and if I wasn’t here anymore. My online friends won’t know that I am gone. Who will be there to tell them? If they aren’t friends with my sisters, I doubt the message would go out. And what about Twitter? My sisters don’t know how to use Twitter so there will be a loss there. Just weird thoughts that I have been thinking about lately. And Julie Cerel’s number of 115 affected by one suicide keeps ringing in my head. That is the average number of people that will be affected by someone’s suicide. She doesn’t know where Shneidman got the number six, but it is way more than that. Hell, my mother’s side is just over 60 people, maybe more. My father’s side is smaller, more like 25 tops. And that is just my family, not including my friends, either at work or school or wherever.

My therapist wants me to make a nest. Of what exactly, I am not sure. The things she was naming to put in it sounded more like a hope box than a nest. When I brought that up to her, she was confused, or at least sounded like it. I might have interrupted her train of thought, which was sort of the point. I had told her what my psychiatrist said to me on my last visit to her. She called me, of all the people in her life, her role model. How the hell am I suppose to kill myself knowing these people take me so seriously and lovingly? I don’t know if it is a guilt trip but it sure feels that way. And I guess if they have their way, I am the one that continues to hurt, not them. But their affection towards me keeps me hanging on, even if it is for one more day.