Tag: depression

A Lot of Walking Today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, Paranoia, psychosis

Lot of walking today

I finally got my new glasses today. And again it took two trips to the store. I should have stayed in the Square because when I got to my home square, the place called me saying the second pair was ready. Now I can see without straining my eyes. I love the sunglasses. They are just dark enough, the way I like it. But to get there and to do an errand, I did a lot of walking and stair climbing. My ankle really hates me right now. I will probably pay the price later tonight. Walking to my friend’s place was longer than I remembered. And he didn’t tell me his office was on the 3rd floor. Bugger. But I did my good deed for the day.

It was really hot out today. I was a sweaty mess by the time I came home. I am going to have to shower. I am glad I didn’t before I went out. I hate when you take a shower and then become all hot and sweaty and need another one.

I had therapy today. I don’t remember too much about what was said. I am very tired from my exertions. My legs feel like rubber. We did talk about my blog for a little bit and about writing a second book. This lady thinks I can just produce books like they were going out of style. It’s been a year since my first book. And I am slowly working on my second. It’s just hard when you feel like killing yourself every fucking day of your life. It’s like why bother. I was hit with an idea for another short story. I got as far as a title and that was it. The title is the character in the book. I haven’t decided how I am going to write it. And I still don’t know if I will be infringing on rights of the Stargate show by writing this story. I might just publish it on my blog, though, just so I don’t collect a cent from it, just in case.

I am very tired and I hope that I sleep tonight, till at least eight tomorrow morning. I am so sick of waking up before six most mornings. It’s just a really long day, especially when I can’t go back to sleep. I go to bed late to try and stave off waking up early but it doesn’t matter. Once I have my few hours of sleep, I am up. I honestly don’t remember the last time I slept for at least six hours straight.

Last night, I had a trigger. My delusions are back and so are the damn voices, and not my usual kind. I might end up in the hospital this go round, if things don’t improve. I am really paranoid today. On the way home, the bus was getting full and I just felt like everyone’s eyes were on me. I couldn’t wait for my stop to get off the bus. Because I am feeling psychotic, the new book I wanted to read, “Lethal Code”, I am holding off. It has to deal with conspiracy and cyber wars. Not a book I should be reading right now, even though it may seem like a benign book. I just don’t want to become more delusional than I already am. I know the trigger for me was talk about Islam or ISIS or both. I don’t remember what exactly set me off. I know I was talking to my friend Chris about the delusions on Friday and maybe that wasn’t a good idea because I am still convinced the leaders of the ISIS group are being controlled by aliens. And they want Americans so they can behead them. I am very scared that this might happen with an invasion in our country.

Cinco de Mayo 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide

Cinco de Mayo 2015

I got my S’mores frappucino with a shot of espresso. I had to have a real caffeine kick. I didn’t think I was going to go out because all the stuff I took for my bowels suddenly worked, all morning, for me. But things settled down after lunch and I was able to go out.

Had therapy and my therapist doesn’t remember reading the blog I sent her last week. The part she did remember was the nest part, which to me is similar to a hope box. She didn’t call it that and said she wanted to have things remind me of how important I am to people and such. It’s hard to do that when I am still in an environment that doesn’t fully support me in my illness. Today, I told her that my mother made me feel bad because I don’t do things “useful” around the house. My mother wanted me to put her breakfast plate in the sink to be “useful” and it made me upset. I don’t get why my mother has to be mean to me. I feel that giving her half of my paycheck every month to cover the bills of the house should let me live here, too. I just don’t get it.

I got really angry today so I posted on Twitter my feelings. A fellow CES sufferer saw a doctor today for her disability claims. He discounted her having CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome, saying she HAD CES, but once you have surgery, you no longer have it. That infuriated me. Infuriate is my word today as I have used it several times. I don’t get how a doctor can say something like that. If she had a stroke, the result would be the same. I just don’t get it. I really don’t and the more this happens, the more I distrust the medical profession. To me, despite their high degree, are all bozos, unless proven otherwise. I have yet to find a doctor that helped me with my ankle. No one wants to believe that I still have nerve damage in it. That the weakness is just from tendonitis. Just pisses me off, big time. So I have to take pain medication to quiet the pain. Normally, tendonitis heals with rest and therapy. I have been resting for three years now and I still have flare ups of pain. And no one can tell me why I am in pain or why my ankle swells up and all the veins in my foot pops out when I am in severe pain. Course, a doctor has yet to see this happen because it only happens in the after hours, late at night with the pain so bad I want to kill myself. It doesn’t flare up during appointment hours or even during an appointment. I am hardly in pain during the day, usually. But after seven in the evening, almost every night, the pain will rise and if I don’t start taking pain meds it becomes out of control. I have been fortunate that lately I have stayed on top of it. I am kind of lucky that I no longer work because if Friday was any indication, I would not be able to walk and stand eight hours a day. I would be in too much pain. Friday I walked more than I should have and paid heavily for it. Only reason I walked too much was because the eyeglass place made my glasses wrong. If the idiot explained to me what he meant by distance, we wouldn’t have had this problem. I still haven’t gotten my glasses back yet. I will call tomorrow and find out when they will be ready. I need them to read Dostoevsky. The glasses I am currently wearing can only go so far and then I start straining my eyes to see with them. It sucks having bad eyesight. I have been wearing glasses since I was in first grade.

My therapist and I talked about the chat that had me upset Sunday night. It’s like, am I smarter than all these clinicians and therapists in this chat when it comes to suicide prevention? I understand they want research and evident based treatment, but the research is there. If I know about it, why don’t they? I don’t get it. I don’t even hold a bachelor’s yet I know what needs to be done for a suicidal patient. Understanding, compassion, empathy, and the client telling his story. Treatment can be DBT based or CBT. I understand not everyone is trained in these modalities. There is a “short” kind of CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, that seems to help veterans in as little as five sessions. This is from what I have gathered on the internet vines and through the research of Jobes. So why do they not trust these kind of therapies is beyond my understanding. If they are looking to predict a suicide, they will have to wait a really, really long time for that to happen. You can’t predict a suicide anymore than you can predict cancer in a patient. And if this prediction is what they mean by prevention, they don’t understand anything about suicide at all.

Technology and I

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Technology and I

I would like to think myself as tech savvy but my recent experience with Tumblr proved me wrong. Like Instagram, I cannot figure it out, but was able to get my blog linked to it. That is as far as I got. I followed a few people, mostly just two people that I know: Wil Wheaton and Taylor Swift. I think the third would be George Takei. He was in my feed as well. So three people out of a billion. I don’t have many friends that I know that use this app. I don’t even know how to post on it or communicate. I am failing miserably at technology. But I do know all things Twitter and Facebook, which is the main forms of communication these days. I just don’t get that many responses on Twitter like I do Facebook sometimes. And because my phone is getting ancient, I can’t download the latest Starbucks app. It keeps having download error while installing. I miss that app.

I wasn’t sure I was going to blog today because I have been feeling shitty all day. Ankle and bowels have been acting up. Well, the ankle is. My bowels are stagnant and they hurt. In other words, I am constipated to the high heavens. It is very uncomfortable. I have been drinking water to try and loosen things up but to no avail. I haven’t gone in three days. I went a little bit earlier today but I still am backed up. I can feel it. Wish technology can help me out but it can’t. I don’t think the senna is working like it used to. I even have been taking fiber pills to get things moving. No luck.

It sucks when you take so many meds that constipate you. It’s really hard to keep on top of. I used to have a good routine but when I stop having to take the senna because I have to go out, that is when the trouble starts. I get backed up for a day and then two, then three, and now I am sick and uncomfortable. Plus because my bowel doesn’t work the way it normally does, it makes it harder for shit to move down the shoot. Got to love having an impaired bowel on top of being constipated.

I haven’t been in a good mood today. I really just want to sleep. Sleep and never wake up. I had what can now be called my usual sleeping pattern of waking up in the wee hours of the morning and then going back to sleep around eight. I got up around noon because I was starving. I made a bacon and cheese sandwich. I usually enjoy these sandwiches but today I could hardly finish it. I had some ice cream afterwards because I wanted something sweet. It was all I ate before dinner. I didn’t even want to eat dinner tonight which was stir fry chicken and rice. I mostly just ate the rice. It was all that I could stomach. Then I came up to my room and I thought I was going to puke it all up. I know it’s because I am so backed up. I haven’t had a good movement in a week. It sucks. I wonder if my sleep is causing the constipation to be worse. I just need to be in a routine again. I might have to start taking magnesium supplements again. That helps me. It won’t hurt and might also help the leg pain I have been having. I just hate being so miserable all the time. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I can never find a happy medium.

Today was a good day as far as the weather is concerned. It was really bright with sunshine and very warm. I think it hit 80 degrees today. It’s supposed to be warm all week. I guess pretty soon I will have to make room for my brother in law to put in the AC. I still need to vacuum my room a little bit. Been meaning to do so for a while but just am so lazy and unmotivated.

In Red Sox news, Hanley has just injured himself and left today’s game. There goes the season if he is placed on the DL. Not like the season is going good anyways, but to lose his power in the lineup, just sucks. I know it’s still early in the season and we are a long way off from October but the way things have been going, there is just no way I can see this team making it to the post season. It’s just going to be another horrible year. And my heart breaks. I know you can’t win every game, but a few in a row wouldn’t hurt!

Don’t Start

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain

I can’t fricken sleep. So I thought I would write about why I can’t sleep. It’s because of pain I can’t sleep. I never took my shower like I wanted to. The pain was too bad. It’s worse now that it’s almost 0130 in the morning. It’s not surprising. I haven’t been keeping on with medicating myself. I just took two pain pills to try and get me to sleep.

I joined a chat tonight and it didn’t go well. I hate it when I say something and then I am “attacked” for what I say or it is taken the wrong way. But other people got my meaning. It just takes one jerk to get me upset. The Sox losing also got me upset. I had taken a break to join the chat after Breslow gave up a three run blast to make it 8-0. What is really funny, and I mean the HAHA kind, is that the starting pitcher, who gave up 5 runs and lost his second outing, thinks he is going to be the Cy Young winner this year. HA, with his ERA, he is seriously smoking something.

I am 100 pages away from finishing the Graveyard Book. It’s getting more interesting but there are still questions left unanswered and I am not sure they are going to be. I fucking hate that. But I am too tired to finish it tonight. I really hope my glasses are done tomorrow, but I doubt it. I really want to see good again. Even as I am typing this, I am having a hard time focusing.

It really sucks when you are in a foul mood. I am playing Terri Clark’s “Don’t Start” to try and calm me down but it’s not working. I am all riled up and I don’t know why. My mother had a hypo attack today. She threw up and her sugar dropped. My sister had to give her OJ and fed her a sandwich. Then she got sick again the other end. I feel bad and now I am watching her to make sure she doesn’t go downhill again. It’s so stressful being on alert all the time for these types of things. I can’t sleep when this happens. Probably one of the reasons why I am still up. Between the pain and worry, I am just not sleepy enough, despite being tired.

I really wished I killed myself the other day. I am so tired of living this life. My therapist’s parting words from our last session was don’t discount her love for me and appreciation for me. There was a third thing (my therapist likes to say things in three’s) but I don’t remember what it was. I hate my therapist. But I don’t know what I would do without her. I love her, too and that complicates things. UGH, it drives me crazy. I really dislike being loved and having it used against me. I wish I could be a heartless person but I’m not.

It’s weird that I can feel the love of my therapist but I can’t of my own family members. I just can’t see to feel anything with my family. I question their love because I am distrustful of it. I know I can’t trust my father when he tells me he loves me because he is a pathological liar. My mother never says the “L” word, at all. My sister do more frequently. I tend to trust them a little but more, but I can never take it in. I am not even sure if I really love them. I just have grown immune to it, jaded even. We exchange words but it’s mostly via text message. Never said out loud. I will tell my nieces and nephew I love them out loud and via text message. I mean it with them. And it’s important that they know. They help keep me here. I know my nephew has the strongest hold on me because he is the oldest.

I have been getting hot flashes at night and tonight is no different. I have the ceiling fan on because I am really hot. I don’t know what is causing these hot flashes. I brought it up to my PCP when I saw him last but he just blew me off. I guess because I wasn’t having any other symptoms, I was fine. It’s just uncomfortable because sometimes I have to remove clothing to get relief. It sucks!