Tag: depression

Letter Writing Part 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

Letter writing part 2

Last night, I tried to finish the letter I started for my therapist. I was hoping it would stir up the same feelings as it did before but it didn’t. I guess I wasn’t in the same state of mind. Then I was thinking of typing up the letter I wrote to my therapist the other night, but am afraid that it will trigger the suicidal feelings that I have. The feelings are still kicking around, though they are not as powerful as they were the other night. It’s weird how they can be strong one night and non-existent the next. But as bad as those feeling were, I think my therapist will want to read my letter. I find it best to write a blog and then password protect it so no one else reads it and becomes concerned. I find that is the best way to expedite my letters to her as she doesn’t use email. She may be the last person on the planet that doesn’t use email on a regular basis. And because we don’t meet regularly, it’s hard to hand her stuff. The blog has worked out well as a go between.

I babysat my niece twice today because her father needed to go out. It was kind of good because I got to watch the ball game on the big screen TV they have. My team won so I will be having a shot of Patron later today. I watched the entire game and my foot is throbbing big time. I don’t know why sitting in a seated position causes me so much pain. I even had my foot up for a while but it still didn’t help with the pain. I am reclining now, on my bed, as I am typing this. My ankle still hurts but it’s not as bad as it was when the game ended two hours ago.

I had a BPD chat that I participated in this evening. It went really well and was really fast paced. There must have been 30 or so participants in the chat. At one point, someone got concerned and I think I missed the post. I got lost as I was trying to find out why this person wanted to be direct messaged. I couldn’t find it so I just didn’t respond to the tweet.

I just read that students at the University of Texas want to get rid of the statue of Jefferson Davis. First it was the American flag (all of whom were not born in the US) and now the Texans want to remove the South’s figure? Who the hell do they think they are?? I am for students protesting and not going along with the school but if they hated the statue, why the fuck did they go to that university when there are a million others?? And for the students that wanted to remove the National flag, why the hell did they come to this country?? As the saying goes, if you don’t like our flag, we’ll help you pack!! It just pisses me off. I know my country is falling apart when I see shit like this happen. I mean, I can kind of understand why they would want him gone. He was the president of the Confederacy but Texas is rich in Southern history, especially for the Confederacy. For those that don’t know American history, the Confederacy was the group of states that seceded from the Union during the Civil War. I hope the students DON’T friggen get their way. It’s important for this country to keep its history, however horrible it was.

Oatmeal Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I felt like making oatmeal cookies and made them today. Next time I am using parchment paper so I don’t struggle with getting the cookies off the pan. Man were they a pain in the ass to get off. Then my mother wanted me to make a cake for her. I was really tired by that point so came up with excuses. I still feel like I should nap but I ate a lot of dough and cookies so my stomach is not happy with me right now. I think if I laid down, I’d throw up.

Other than making cookies, I really didn’t do anything today. I didn’t even make coffee. I just wasn’t in the mood. I did make pancakes this morning. They were oatmeal pancakes. Today is just an oatmeal day. I did too much as my leg and ankle are thanking me by hurting really bad. No matter I have the rest of the night to relax. I do have to take a shower sometime before bed. I knew I was going to be hurting as the last time I made cookies, I hurt really bad afterwards. There is no balance. I even washed all the baking ware, which added to my grief. But I couldn’t leave it for my mother because she would have a fit.

I have a crap load of Bones episodes to watch. That started my leg hurting. I just can’t sit in a normal chair. Gravity just causes my ankle to hurt, or something to that effect. It really causes my leg and ankle to swell. I will try and watch one more episode of Bones tonight but I am not sure it will happen. I am really tired from baking. I also still have the Sons of Liberty series to watch. It looks very interesting. I was able to watch the first one, which was two hours long. I love the revolutionary stuff. My TiVo is almost at full capacity so I really need to watch my shows. Otherwise, nothing new is going to record.

I feel really depressed. Making the cookies were a distraction for my sadness for a little while. Today, my cousin is having his huge reception for his wedding. I wish I could be down in DC to see it but I just don’t have the funds to be down there. He had an informal ceremony in December and now is having a big get together. I have visited him before. He has a gorgeous house. He will be moving down to Texas in June. I told him I would save up the money to visit him then. He has a swimming pool so it will be nice. I guess that is part of the reason I am so depressed. I can’t be with his gay friends. I wish I had more gay friends, or at least friends that were in the same state as I am in.

I’m also depressed because my Sox are losing terribly. Both their pitching and hitting sucks. They have lost their last I don’t know how many games. Their only win this week was on the fifth, when I had a shot of Patron to celebrate. I have been scrolling the Twitter feed. Seems they are going to make some roster changes. I do hope that it happens. Something needs to happen or they are going to have another sucky year. I don’t think the manager will still be the manager come October if that happens. I really like the manager but he has to do something to get more wins from his team. I also hate that the game was in the afternoon. Now I have nothing to look forward to in the evening. It is going to be a long night. Tomorrow’s game is also in the afternoon. Guess I will be reading more of Dostoevsky.

Letter writing and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

As I have my sister’s car while she is away, I took my mother grocery shopping this afternoon. We had lunch afterwards. My ankle wasn’t happy when I woke up this morning but because I am driving, I can’t take my pain meds. I need to pick up my niece in a few hours and really would love just one pain pill. But I just can’t. Her father called and said he will be late tonight because he has an errand to do for my father.

Last night as I was having a difficult time sleeping, I wrote another depressing letter to my therapist. It was another goodbye but thank you letter. It was contradictory to say the least. I am glad I went to sleep before I wrote a similar one to my psychiatrist. If I sent that to her, I think it wouldn’t go too well. I don’t know why I was writing the letter. I guess I had to get things off my chest. The midnight demons were really out. I didn’t get to sleep until around 0200. I took my meds later than I usually do, though I had taken my pain meds around 20:00. I really am glad my therapist doesn’t have email. I would be sending her the most awful letters. But that is what pain mixed with no sleep get me. It brings out the dark side of myself.

Psychosis wise I am doing better. I think the delusions have shrunk a little and I am not so paranoid as I was before. My psychiatrist got back to me late last night and asked how I was. I told her I was still delusional but managing. I haven’t heard from her today. It just sucks because I never know if the psychosis is going to land me in the hospital or not. The only thing that would force the issue would be if the voices were telling me to harm myself. As long as they aren’t commanding, I can deal with them. But it’s a fine line. Sometimes I want the safety of the hospital so that nothing does happen but then I get drugged up pretty good. Or my meds get played with. And I hate that.

I wish I could say I slept late but my mother and brother in law called me around 0830 so I only got around six and a half hours of sleep. It would have been nice to have slept longer. I don’t know why my mother didn’t just call me later in the morning. She knows that I get up late. My brother in law was concerned because apparently I left my sister’s car open. Why he couldn’t lock the car manually, I have no idea. Every one depends on the clickers these days.

Temps are dropping tonight and I am glad. I can’t stand the hot weather. I like wearing shorts but I hate sweating. I don’t know what the weather is going to be this coming week. As long as it’s in the 50s I will be happy. I checked my bank account and for some reason one purchase I made yesterday still hasn’t posted to my account. I hate when that happens.

Sports and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Been trying to write today but keep being distracted by Twitter. A lot has been going on today in the sports world. Deflategate has resurfaced and in baseball news, the pitching coach was fired. In addition to that, my *favorite* pitcher got designated for assignment, which means goodbye, see ya, hope to never see you again. He was a good for nothing pitcher, giving up home runs with inherited runners, all the time. He lost more ball games than I can remember winning. Or if we were losing, made sure we really lost. But the firing of the pitching coach, to me, was unexpected. I understand as the pitchers barely went more than three innings the last few games and it’s hard on the bullpen to be called earlier than they should start. Someone had to get chucked and it was the pitching coach. I am sure the hitting coach is probably next if the Sox don’t start hitting. You need good pitchers and hitters to win games, even if it is by one run.

Deflategate is back because the NFL just ruled that the Patriots and their quarterback was “probable” in deflating the balls for a game. No punishment has been issued, officially, but the haters want to see them stripped of the Superbowl title, the QB suspended 2-4 games to a year and the head coach fired. It is ridiculous. I don’t know what is going to happen. I just wish they would hurry up and make a decision so this can all go away. I know every single game this season is going to bring up the deflated balls. I usually don’t listen to the commentary because the game is so fast. I am watching the game more than listening to the “analysis” or prediction of what is going to happen next. It really is stupid. What happens, happens. Next play the QB could trip on his own feet and there is a fumble rather than a great play. You just don’t know. Though the game is a little bit more predictable than baseball. You know the QB is going to throw the ball to someone and hope he catches it.

There is not a Sox game tonight because it is a travel day. They are usually off on Thursdays. I am kind of depressed that there is no game because I have literally nothing to watch. I could watch my shows but my mother is still watching hers. I won’t be able to get the TV until after eight. But my foot/ankle is hurting so unless I got to go to the bathroom, I am not leaving my room.

I had therapy for the third time this week. We talked but it didn’t go anywhere. I swear whenever she says “this is something we need to work on”, I cringe because I know it’s not going anywhere beyond today. I really want to tell her this, but I just let her finish her thoughts on the subject and let them land where they may. Today’s topic was how not to get guilt tripped by my mother and I had to laugh because she, my therapist, guilt trips me all the time. It was a hard session because physically, I didn’t feel well. I kept on getting congested and the post nasal drip was making me very nauseated. There were times during session I couldn’t speak because I didn’t know if I was going to puke or not. Allergies are in full range today and my nose kept on dripping. This is despite taking an antihistamine that is supposed to last 24 hours. Lately, it has been lasting only 18-20. I was also feeling dizzy most of the day, which is weird. I have been keeping up with my fluids so I am not sure why I was dizzy.

Today was the first day in a long time I woke up early (around 0500) and then went back to sleep! It was only for a couple of hours but I went back to sleep. And I didn’t take a mid-morning nap like I usually do. I did try to take an afternoon nap before I picked up my niece but that didn’t work out. I just rested. I still haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist concerning my delusions and what to do with them. I should have paged her last night. I was really in bad shape but I am better today. I talked about it with my therapist as I was paranoid after our session and the voices were watching me most of the day. I ended up taking my meds early and was asleep before ten or there abouts. So I slept almost seven hours straight. I hope to get that much tonight.