Tag: depression

Tweets from Last Night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Tweets from Last Night

Last night I was in a rough spot. I was feeling really depressed and decided to take out my frustrations on Twitter. I some how digressed and came into being of my comparison of psychache scales paper. I went through it trying to find the link of the article as I can’t post it without infringing on copyrights. The PDF is available online, but for a price. In the article, it has the psychache scale that I used to use. I still have it in some old journals, with some modifications of my needs. Anyways, I was going through this paper and I realized I left out that reference. So at around 0230 in the morning, I am fixing this error. It was a crazy night.

I had started off saying why I do not trust the American Psychological Association. And then it somehow veered into my paper. I don’t know what else I was talking about. It was late, I was wicked tired. I wasn’t in pain, thank goodness. Otherwise, I might have had another Hyde episode. I was careful not to say how suicidal I was because I didn’t want people coming after me in the morning or on my Facebook page. But most of the later tweets never made it to FB for some reason.

I got an email from my psychiatrist this morning reminding me that she will be away next week and that another doc is covering for her. She said that if I need someone urgently, to page him. I don’t think paging someone at three in the morning is a good idea, especially with someone I don’t know. She will be available via email should something non urgent comes up. I still will have my therapist I can bug and text any time of day. She doesn’t responds to my text but will go over them in session. Then I have to try and remember what the hell I texted her. It can be a little frustrating sometimes. I am going to try and see her on Tuesday, if I can get my sister’s car. Course it all depends on if my leg cooperates with me. Today I woke up in pain. I didn’t have pain last night but woke up with it this morning. It is so random that it becomes very frustrating. I had to go to my father’s today to do his pills. He again didn’t take one to two days. So frustrating and the reason he doesn’t take it, is because he doesn’t want to pee every “ten minutes”. Tough shit. He is a sick man and needs to have the fluid out of his body. I just wish that my mother’s docs would put her on another diuretic so that her ankles aren’t so swollen. But they don’t. I find it sad that she doesn’t get the care that she needs.

My father’s girlfriend came over today. So we spent some time talking with her. She is a nice lady. I then had to leave after about a half hour because my pain was getting to be really bad. Plus it was kind of sickening seeing my father show PDAs toward her. He never showed that to my mother all the time they were together. He is really a bastard. I ate while I was over there. My father made chicken cutlets. Surprisingly, they weren’t too salty. I really want a pizza now. I have been craving it the last few days. But I don’t want to get a whole pizza because I just won’t finish it all. I wish I could get half a pizza delivered, and fries. I love fries with pizza. Maybe that is what I will order later tonight.

Baseball is on late tonight. They are in Seattle playing the Mariners. It is going to be a long night. I am tempted to make coffee so I can stay up. But I probably will be up anyways, least until midnight. I just hope that if I do stay up and listen to the game, the midnight demons don’t come out.

Don’t Want This Night To End

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Don’t Want This Night to End

This is a song that I love by Luke Bryan. The video is fricken awesome. Though I don’t really like the follow up video. I was kind of hoping it was going to be another song on his album Tailights and Tailgates.

I had therapy today. It went okay though I don’t think we really talk about anything that was of importance. I brought up the letter and we talked about Hyde. I felt him brewing inside but she and I really didn’t want him to come out. He really is another part of me that is purely suicidal. And I think my menses has something to do with it as well as being in chronic pain. The perfect storm for him to come out is when I am in severe, excruciating pain, late at night, and I can’t sleep. It is the midnight demon quality. I also have to be in a writing mood. For some reason, he expresses himself through writing the most suicidal letters possible. The reason we didn’t want him to come out is because there is always the chance I could attempt suicide while in that frame of mind. I have never really attempted with him in control but that doesn’t mean that I can trust him. She didn’t say, exactly, what the letter did but it apparently had a devastating effect on her.

I went to Starbucks after session like I usually do. I had a Snicker’s latte (2 pumps mocha, 2 pumps caramel, 2 pumps toffee nut) and was contemplating something to eat but didn’t get anything. I journaled a bit while drinking my latte. I wrote a little more in detail about the session as it was fresh off my memory banks. I then wrote about other things. I think the last thing I wrote about was the horrific Amtrak train accident this morning. Seven people are dead because the train was going really fast in a slow zone, 100 MPH in a 50. It’s so sad.

I drank a lot of liquid between the latte and the iced tea I had for supper. I didn’t feel the need to go to the bathroom until I left my house to pick up my prescription at Walgreens. The leaking started and I didn’t feel anything. I hate dribbling. Even as I was approaching the house, the urge to go wasn’t strong, yet I had a full bladder. There was no way I didn’t. You can’t have a twenty ounce drink followed by a sixteen ounce and not be full. That’s over 1000 cc’s of fluid right there! I also wasn’t happy to find out that I am having break through bleeding. Looks like I will be stopping the pill next week so I can have a mense. I went through five packs of pills so it was a good run. I am averaging about 5-6 packs between break throughs. It just sucks because I have to wear female underwear and feminine products for a week. It’s just a big blow to my ego.

Tired of Being Tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Tired of Being Tired

I had no energy today. I thought I would take my sister’s car to Starbucks and have a mocha or some other caffeinated drink, and just journal for a few hours. But I didn’t sleep well. I fell asleep during the 10th inning of the baseball game (around 0200) and woke up around three to turn the radio off. They won in the 11th inning. I fell back to sleep for a couple of hours before my bladder said “it’s time to go”. I have been up since about six. I tried to go back to sleep but it was impossible. My bowels decided it was its turn to go and again and again and again. I had to take some Imodium to shut things down. I really didn’t want to as that sometimes bangs me up worse over the next day or two. I was exhausted from crapping all morning, literally. By the time my therapy appointment came around, I didn’t think I would stay awake during it. She was running late and I almost nodded off, missing the phone call.

She read my letter that I wrote the other night. She said that it was devastating to her. I guess it could be taken that way. I am glad I was not in the same room when she read it. I guess it upset her pretty good. That was not my intention. I wasn’t malicious in the letter. I just became really suicidal and expressed myself that way. I told her she was pretty much better off without me. Course she didn’t hear it. She still called me and then said that I have to keep all my appointments after that letter. I am stuck. She is holding the cards now. I deleted the blog that had the letter. No point in anyone reading that except her. I don’t think I should have sent it to her. I had a feeling it would worry her. Hyde writes well. I am just glad I didn’t write the same kind of letter to my psychiatrist. I think I would be in the hospital if I did.

I asked my psychiatrist to refill one of my medications to a specific pharmacy and she sent it to the wrong one. Now this pharmacy is having trouble stocking the medication. Unbelievable. I told her and she said she would send it to the right pharmacy tonight. I hope so because I am going to run out by the end of the week. And I can’t miss a dose of this medication because the delusions and psychosis will come back. She told me not to worry. I think that is easier said than done.

My sister is back home after a few days in Utah. I am glad she is back. I missed her. She sent me beautiful photos of where she was. They were absolutely gorgeous. I always wanted to go to Utah for grad school. I might have to look into it now.

And after all that I done today, which was nothing, I am tired. So very dog tired. I think that if I didn’t have my bowel issues this morning, I might have made it out today. I just couldn’t trust that it would stop. I just am sick of being tired all the time. I am sick of having my bowels dictate when I go out. I am sick of being depressed. I had no appetite today. I had a bowl of cereal, an ice cream sandwich, 2 breakfast sausages, and a cookie. That is all I could stomach. And I forced the sausages down because I didn’t feel like eating. This is the second day in a row that my stomach has been feeling full with barely any food in it. I have been drinking Gatorade and water so I don’t get dehydrated. But even that, I have to carefully sip. I am not thirsty either. I just want to sleep. I was going to ask my sister for the car tomorrow so I could see my therapist but I am just too tired. I hate feeling this fatigue all the time. I am not eating so I know that is part of the problem. And the humidity and heat are only going to get worse as the summer months come. I know we are going to have a scorching summer because we had a really cold winter. I really need to get out of the house and get my routine back. But I am so tired I can’t do that. I hope that tomorrow I feel better. Because at the rate that this is going, it isn’t going to be good. I know my mood is going to plummet more during the summer months than any other time of year. I can’t tolerate the heat. It just makes me more miserable. But this fatigue and no appetite are really bringing me down. I wish I could say that sleeping helps me, but I haven’t been able to nap or fall asleep while napping. I just lay there and my thoughts go wild. I think my not sleeping for more than a few hours at a time is really messing with me. I wake up and I don’t feel restful at all. I just am more tired as if I didn’t sleep at all.

Sports rant and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

Sports rant and other things

Patriots have received their verdict on deflategate. A one million dollar fine for the team and Tom Brady is suspended for four games. All because he supposedly deflated a bunch of footballs for a championship game. According to the report that was made, said it was “probable”. How they defined this, I don’t know. Meanwhile someone who committed domestic violence gets suspended for two games. Seems fair. You deflate footballs, you get four game suspension. You beat your wife publicly, you get two games. I don’t fucking get it. The NFL is a fucking joke right now. Appeals will be made. I think this is just a hoopla to keep the NFL in the news as it is the offseason. No one should care about football until August, when pre-season starts. As hard as I am trying to ignore this, I can’t. I really like Tom and I don’t think he is a cheater. Cheaters don’t win 42-7.

The baseball game is late today. The Sox are on the west coast so the games don’t start until 22:00. I hate west coast games. There was talk that the lineup was going to change so I was scanning Twitter all friggen day to see if it was true. But it wasn’t. The lineup was the same, with the exception of Victorino being added to it. He came off the DL today. I hope he stays healthy. We need his bat, and his speed around the bases.

I have been feeling tired all day. I took a nap for about forty-five minutes. I really didn’t want to get up but my bladder was calling. It was humid today and still is, though I think with the sun going down, it’s cooling off and getting tolerable. I cannot stand humidity and heat. It will make me crazy. Tomorrow we are getting the remnants of Ana, a hurricane that was off the coast of the Carolinas. I am glad it will be raining. It has been really dry the last few days. We aren’t expected to get rain the rest of the week. Which probably means more sunshine. I hate sunshine. It just is too bright. It also makes me kind of suicidal. There was a study that showed that suicides tend to occur when sunshine happens for more than 7 days but not more than 30. It was an unusual finding and one that I didn’t really understand. But I do believe it. I tend to be more suicidal during the summer months than I am any other time of the year. Except it’s not even summer yet. It’s still spring. Total wackiness. But I will take the good weather over the freezing cold. This winter was harsh.

I am depressed. The past two days I have been getting by eating three oatmeal cookies and a sandwich. Yesterday I had the cookies and a hot dog. I couldn’t finish the second one. Then later that evening tried to have sausages and potatoes and I was up most of the night with a stomach ache. I just ate too much food, even though it really wasn’t. I don’t get how my appetite can be feast or famine sometimes. I wish I would lose weight but it’s just not possible because I am so inactive. I know that if I was working, I would have no trouble losing the weight during days I don’t eat. I just feel full and bloated. If I didn’t know any better, I say I am the size of a full grown cow. All I had was a turkey sub. And I had to finish the last half of it by forcing it down. I wasn’t going to waste half a sandwich. My mother would have a fit.

I don’t think I am going to be able to stay up past midnight to listen to this game. I just am wiped out and I don’t know why. I really didn’t do much today. I delivered some stuff to my father, took a nap, then picked up my niece from after school. I watched her for about an hour while I read my book and she played on the computer. I am reading “Brilliant Blunders” by Mario Livio. It’s an interesting book. Part I am reading right now is dealing with how DNA was discovered. And it was by a blunder that it wasn’t by another person other than Watson and Crick.

I hate that on days when I don’t go out by T, I am more tired than if I just stayed at home. I guess driving takes more out of you than you think it does.