Tag: depression

Starbucks and Chinese food

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, writing

Starbucks and Chinese food

Today has been a minimal pain free day so I decided to venture out and get my latte. I made a Snickers latte, which is has two pumps mocha, two pumps hazelnut, and two pumps caramel. It is so good! I sometimes get more mocha if I want it more chocolaty. I wrote in my journal and downloaded Taylor’s 1989, finally. It took two tries to download it. It annoyed me. I don’t know why I had to attempt to download it twice when I had ample signal. I probably should have turned on the WiFi, now that I think of it. Oh well. It worked and I have been listening to the album for the past several hours. So far my favorite songs are “Clean”, “Shake it Off”, “Blank Space”, and “Bad Blood”, though I think “Wildest Dreams” might enter the mix if I hear it enough. “I know Places” is a good song too. Hell, there is NOT one song on this album I don’t like. It is going to take me a few weeks to know the lyrics to each of them. But give me time and I will be singing along soon.

I have been craving Chinese food for the past few weeks. I was so upset when the place across the street from Starbucks was closed, for good it seems. They had the best Chinese food in my area. So I had to order from GrubHub to a restaurant in the next town over from where I live. I have ordered from them before but they don’t make a good Lo Mein, which is what I really wanted from the place that closed down. Supposedly we are having Chinese on Saturday for my sister’s birthday so maybe my Lo Mein craving will be satisfied.

I really enjoyed writing today while listening to Taylor, once the download finally completed. I basically gave an update about my father, therapy, and how I was feeling. My father and I didn’t spend any time in a medical facility today, thank god. I was able to call his surgeon and try to move up his surgery date. I am still waiting on a call back from either the secretary or the doctor to see what can be done to make him a little more comfortable. But it is getting late and with each passing hour, I am thinking they are not going to call.

I know I talk a lot about therapy in my blog. It is a way for me to process the session as well as think about things. I didn’t have therapy today because I wasn’t sure what was going to happen today. I have been feeling well so I really don’t need an extra session. I still have been trying to think about doing what she is asking of me, writing an affirmation blog, but I am having major trouble trying to write it. I was thinking of writing words down on a piece of paper to get things going but even then the word elude me. And she won’t let it drop. She thinks this is a brilliant idea and wants to see where it goes. I can hear in her voice how much she likes this idea, which just annoys me because eventually I am going to have to write something positive about myself other than I am smart and creative. But that will be on a day when I am feeling hypomanic or something or on too much coffee.

I didn’t wear the AFO today because I just said fuck it. I wanted to see if my ankle would cooperate with me without it. It did, my foot, not so much. I don’t know if I stepped wrong or what, but on the way back to the station to catch the bus home, I was in agony walking. The pain got worse with each step I took. And of course, when I got to the station, I had to put money on my card, which meant more walking. I did it anyway and I am paying the price now, though it has calmed down some since being home. If the pain is not bad tonight, I will go out again tomorrow. I want to get a haircut and of course, Starbucks. I finally found the email my writing partner sent me with ideas on what to write for our book. Now I just have to use them as an outline of what to write. I am happy with this. I know in the upcoming months it is going to be difficult to write because I know the depression is going to be worse over the next few months. It always does and some days it will be a struggle just to blog, let alone write a book. I am hoping the anti-depressant that I am on will protect me from a deep downfall, but I am weary. I can still have a deep depression even though I am on medication. Hence why I was hospitalized in August, though the suicidal thoughts have not returned since I have been discharged. Just my overall mood has sucked. I have more down days than up but I think that has more to do with the amount of pain I have been in than anything else. Once the pain is under control, my mood generally improves, if for a little while.

Ramblings 70

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I didn’t go out today because I had babysitting duties for my sick niece. So I spent the day watching her. I tried to play my games but am getting bored with them. I always have to request stuff and it just gets redundant after a while. I know that if I didn’t get stuck babysitting, I would have gone out today and had a latte. I miss going to Starbucks and tomorrow I will get one dammit!

I didn’t do any writing today. My ankle has been bothering me on and off so I really wasn’t in the mood to write. Maybe later on tonight when I no longer am babysitting.

I no longer have the “favorite books of the year” logo on my Amazon site. It is kind of a bummer not seeing that. I knew it was too good to be true. But I sold a few books on Kindle. It feels good knowing this promotion is helping my sales. I have been promoting it primarily through Twitter, which then feeds into my Facebook page. I am probably annoying my friends about my book by now. But I want the book to be out there.

I have been feeling depressed most of the day, mostly in the sense that I want to sleep. I just can’t understand it. I have nothing to really be depressed about, though I am stressing over tomorrow’s dealings with my father. I have to deal with his drama and I don’t even know what that is going to entail tomorrow, but I’ll find out. I am just so sick of going to every medical appointment with him. I just hope it isn’t an all day affair with him. I really don’t want to be in the hospital all day. And I know I am going to be out for more than 4 hours, I am going to wear the new diapers that I bought just to be on the safe side of things. I hadn’t had any more bowel or bladder problems but I want to stay dry and if I do fart with friends, at least I won’t stain my underwear.

I know it’s not helping my blood pressure being stressed out over him. And I know I have gained a few more pounds as my pants are tight around the middle. Because I was babysitting, I forgot to call my doctor to schedule an appointment and my eye doctor to reschedule. I feel bad that I had to reschedule the appointment for my eye doc twice now but I didn’t look on the calendar when I made the appointment. It is nothing major with my eye, just my annual exam because I have noticed some vision changes.

I am hurting really bad today with all kind of pain in my butt. It is mostly nerve pain that I am feeling. But it is wicked aggravating because there is nothing that I can take for it. I just have to ride it out. Sitting is difficult. I am glad that I have a foam topper on my bed so that helps a little bit. Still feels like I am sitting on glass at times.

Had therapy today. Damn therapist still wants me to do this affirmation exercise. I told her to shut up about it and called her a few names today but she was undeterred. I don’t even think she registered me calling her names. But she shook the Bostonian in me when she started making fun of me when I said “AH” instead of “R”.

I have to renew my anti-virus software program soon. I am dreading it because it is so expensive. But I like to keep it up to date just in case I do get hit with a virus or spam or phish. I used to like it back when they didn’t automate and you could keep the software but it just wouldn’t update your system. Now they just stops working and you are unprotected. I found that out when I let my subscription expire. It was like the thing uninstalled itself because I didn’t renew. It sucked when I did renew because I forgot my password and email that I used when I signed up. I apparently had three accounts for the different laptops/computers I was using. I had to delete the other two and keep just the one, and to do that, I had to talk with a representative. It sucked.

random 11 on the 11th

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I feel really unmotivated to do anything today. But I did return my one phone call and they are going to pick up my car tomorrow morning. I know my brother-in-law will be happy about that.

I was going to go out today but I had coffee at home so there is no reason for me to go out now. I will be going out tonight as I have my Aunt’s 90th birthday party to go to. I really don’t feel like going but I am her godchild so I need to go. And I have to take my father and sister so there is no way I can get out of it. My aunt will be very disappointed if I don’t show. I suppose I will have to shower now that I will be going out. I should do this after my blog in case it wears me out and I need a nap. I don’t know why a shower is so exhausting to me at times. But I guess when you have chronic illness, any type of physical activity if going to wear you out. I don’t shower for very long, in fact, I have timed it to be around 10 minutes. Not very long at all but it still wears me out at times.

I had therapy today. Again, my therapist wanted me to write a “positive affirmation” blog about myself. Or even a letter to her. I was going to write it on Sunday night, but I got too tired after all the good things that happened. I thought the good feelings would last but they didn’t. Sunday evening I noticed that Amazon had me as one of their favorite books of the year. It is no longer there anymore but I snapped a picture of it to prove it was there! If those of you that are reading this have a Kindle, my book is now on sale for just 99 cents. Here is the link.

We didn’t spend too much time talking about the affirmation part of it. I felt good knowing that my book touched someone Sunday night. Apparently, I have my intro to the book on my blog. If you want to see it, click here. I never knew this guy had struggles with suicide, but then, not too many people wear signs that they struggle, myself included. I tweeted him that he wasn’t alone and he said he would buy my book. I hope he does and I hope that it helps him in some way.

That was another thing my therapist pointed out to me today, that I am creative. I don’t think of myself as creative. I really have to focus if I want to be creative. And the thing about self-promoting my book is that I am going to have to be creative in 140 characters or less. I have 7 days to let the world know that my book is 99 cents. And I can’t use the same tweet over again. Silly, I know. I can have the same message on Facebook but Twitter knows when you use the same message. So trying to come up with several different hashtag combos and wording is going to be a challenge. So I guess I am a little creative but again, I have to be focused to come up with stuff and my brain doesn’t have the knack right away to come up with sayings. It is usually after the fact that I come up with a good line.

Something is going on with my phone. When someone calls me, the phone doesn’t show the number or person calling until like 3 rings into the call. It is annoying me. Like today, I was all into Twitter as Garth Brooks just signed up for his account and the phone rang but I had no idea who it was until the 3rd ring. It was my therapist and I was kind of off guard as I completely lost track of the time. For 2 seconds I was wondering why she was calling me, interrupting my Twitter scrolling and music playing. I had Luke Bryan playing and was really into the song when she called. I hate when people call during a good song! LOL Or I will get a few text messages during the song. Annoying! But I guess that is the price I pay when I listen to music on my phone.

We also talked about technological stuff. I had to explain about Twitter chats to her as she has no idea what they are about. It is a good thing because she wouldn’t be able to keep up. The tweets were crazy Sunday night. I had looked into another browser and when I came back, there were 20+ tweets that I had missed. All within a span of a few minutes! I know there are a lot of people that join the chat. I think one week we had over 65 people. Insane! You really have to be a fast, proficient reader to keep up. And then my phone was blowing up with all the RTs and favorites or mentions. I keep forgetting to shut my ringer off.

Looks like my father wants to make a “late” appearance at the birthday party. Just fucking great. Me navigating in dark is not so well and I know it is going to be pitch black come 5 pm tonight. I hate driving at night. If it was just me, I wouldn’t care but with my father, my nerves are on edge because he has his own “way” of getting to where we are going. I unfortunately am not that familiar with driving from his house to my aunts. It is going to be nerve racking that is for sure. Too bad I can’t take an Ativan.

Pill boxes and writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, depression, suicidality, writing

Just finished filling the pill box for the week. Because I take pills in the morning and evening, I had two to fill. Usually, I just fill one and the other is just take what I want or remember to. I take at least 10 pills at night, not counting my pain pills or PRNs. I don’t know if they help my mood lately but I take them anyway.

I tried writing today. I got a little done, changed a few paragraphs/sentences. But didn’t write anything new. I don’t know what my problem is. The stuff is there, but it just won’t come out. Maybe I am thinking too hard. I don’t know. But I got to get some writing done soon. 2015 is around the corner and I would like to get at least 50 pages done by mid year. Right now I don’t have squat.

I made my coffee wrong this morning. It is way too strong. I don’t understand how I did it as I used the same coffee/water ratio. I drank only a quarter of a cup. It was all that I could stomach. Totally put a dent in my day as I was so looking forward to a nice cup of coffee today. But I knew if I forced myself to drink it all or most of it, I would pay with severe anxiety later on today. But the little I had, took the cobwebs out of my head.

Tomorrow I am getting out the house, even if it kills me. I need to go to Starbucks. I think a change of scenery might be what I need to write what I need to. And unlike my writing partner, I am not bent on page limits or time. She writes at least three pages a day on something and maybe spends an hour or two working on it. I don’t have those restrictions. So why do I have such difficulty writing?? I think it might be that I don’t really want to do it. I have no direction so I don’t know what avenue to write and I don’t want to write one way and then my partner says, no, go this way. Course it is all a matter of interpretation. It is just so frustrating because she is not working on the book right now and I rather have something for when the depression hits and I can’t do shit. It takes a real effort to try and write when I am feeling unmotivated and depressed. That is why my book so long took a year to write. I don’t want the same thing happening to this book.

I guess I should move some shit around my room so my brother-in-law can take my AC out of my room before it starts to rain again. I hear there is supposed to be snow this week so I need to get it out. Sucks having a depression that doesn’t make you want to do things. But mostly it has been my pain levels lately that have determined what I do and don’t do. Which is why my writing is so important to me. If I can’t do anything else, least I can write, but that hasn’t been the case. And it is driving me crazy.