Tag: depression

Finally, a little motivation

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Finally, some motivation

I woke up at a normal time, between 0800 and 0830. It is the first time in I don’t know how many months that I slept that “late”. I actually woke up rested and rearing to go, despite this cough from hell that I have. The weatherman said there will be downpours later in the day so I went to the post office to mail out my last two signed books. They have been sitting on the edge of my bed for weeks and now that they aren’t there, I am kind of sad. I am out of the copies that I purchased for myself. I only have one more book and I think I am going to keep it, unless someone buys it off me. One of the books that I mailed out went to the Netherlands. I have a friend there that was interested in my book.

After the post office, I did nothing but play on the computer. It’s sad that I haven’t sold any books so far this month. I only sold 7 last month. I was getting on a roll of selling one per day and then it just stopped. I am going to try and do more to promote my book but it’s so difficult as I don’t know what avenues to go down. I think I have to target the right audience but I don’t know how to find it because my book is so limited. It’s not like it is a romance novel. It is a book about my struggles with suicidality and how I thought about ending my life numerous times over the years. Not a book that screams “buy me”, unless you have been there or like reading stories of struggle.

After my therapy appointment that went ok, I still had energy so went to Starbucks for coffee. I tried writing notes from the Experiences of Depression book but after a few dozen pages, I got bored. I still had to do a few more errands so I stopped writing to go to the meat market to get burgers for dinner. I then went to the square post office to pick my mother up some stamps. I didn’t tell her I was going on the first trip. Oh well. I like the Square office better because it is bigger.

I have therapy again tomorrow. I don’t know why I asked for an additional session. I think I go to therapy just to pass time. Sad and pathetic I know. But as long as she has time available, I will take it. Besides, I like to know what Freud means when he talks about “objects”. The Experience of Depression book was talking a lot about it and I don’t know what the hell it is in reference to. Does it mean a person or an actual object like a teddy bear? Or in Freud’s case, a pacifier?

Baseball, Allergies, and Other Stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Baseball, Allergies, and other stuff

I think the cold in my throat/chest is nothing more than allergies gone haywire. Since taking the antihistamine, I have been fine, until I forgot to take it last night. My nose is running like a faucet, eyes are itchy, and the post nasal drip has been want to force things out of my stomach. So far, I have been able to keep things down. I just had pasta with garlic so hopefully that will help keep some of the allergens away from me (wishful thinking but what the hell).

I had therapy today and I didn’t want to. I should have cancelled tomorrow when I had the chance but I was stupid and didn’t call. I am so sick of talking to her. Next week I get a little break. I talk to her on Monday morning and Wednesday. I am hoping it won’t be so bad but my mood can change on the dime. Right now I am feeling a little frustrated with therapy. We talk about the same thing nearly every single session. It is getting so boring. I thought reading this depression book would be good for us to talk about, which it is, but I haven’t been able to read it since Thursday because I have been in a lot of pain. The book is dense and takes some effort to read it.

And she is hung up on the song idea. Leave me alone. When a song comes my way, it will. Forcing it is not going to help. So I told her I had a song but I don’t really know if I do or not. I have to listen to it a few more times to see if it fits me or not. I just know it’s by the Band Perry. I don’t remember the name of the song.

In baseball news, I am PISSED. One of my pitchers got a 6 game suspension for throwing the ball over the batter’s head. He did not hit the pitcher at all, yet he gets suspended. Meanwhile, in the same game, the opposite pitcher hits 2 men and gets NOTHING. No ejection, no fines, no suspensions. NOTHING!! It is a conspiracy against my Sox!! And I am not happy about it. I am beyond PISSED about it!! WTF.

OK I said my rant about baseball. My depression is still the same, though I think it is finally getting better. I was able to get out of the house today for the first time since Friday without too much pain. I went out Sunday to get my scripts but that caused me too much pain and I had to spend another day on the DL. I felt bad because I was supposed to go to my niece’s graduation ceremony but I couldn’t stand or walk more than a few feet without pain. I had to take another strong pain killer yesterday to help with the pain and break the cycle. Surprisingly, I haven’t been suicidal nor have the demons come out. I guess I am just too tired. I don’t feel hopeless like I used to so I think that is helping me. Hopelessness and depression usually cause one to think about suicide. I still think people would be better off without me though. And if I had a chance to kill myself without pain, I would do it. But I just am not feeling it.

A friend of mine is reading my book. So far she likes it. I hope that she writes a review on Amazon. I am going to try and get her to. That will be three reviews I have on my book. I will be happy.

ankle chronicles 6

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I spent the weekend resting my foot. I thought my foot would be better by now but it is still sore. I have things to do and there is no one else who can do them for me. I need to get a haircut, go to the post office, and pick up my prescription.

I feel really bad that I am missing my niece’s graduation tonight. But there is no way I can walk around the stadium. It is also the hottest day of the year and I don’t do heat too well. I really just want some butter pecan ice cream and go back to sleep.

I was up early this morning. I woke up from a bad dream around 0130. I stayed up till almost 0500. I wrote in my journal for about an hour before the pain meds and Ativan kicked in. I also woke up in pain. I was not happy. I guess I really did too much on Friday night for me to still be in pain three days later.

I am tired of being laid up in pain. I want to go out and get an ice coffee and maybe read a little bit. And get my haircut. Or at least be able to shower. I haven’t had a shower since Friday afternoon. I was going to take one at the wee hours of the morning but I didn’t want to risk waking myself up. I never know how a shower is going to go. It will either exhaust me or wake me up. My luck, it will wake me up.

I think for the first time in a while, I might run out of pain meds before my doc appointment. I am running low because of this flare up and I don’t see my doc for another two weeks. I am not that worried. I can stretch them out. I am sure once this pain flare up calms down, I won’t be taking any meds. For some reason I woke up with my calf hurting this afternoon when I got up. A little stretching and it seems to have calmed it down. Don’t know what that was about.

I wish I didn’t catch a cold this weekend. I feel terrible. I think I am going to make some soup, despite it being hot out. But I need the fluids. I have been bad about drinking. It doesn’t really cross my mind. I am not really thirsty, which doesn’t help. I have powerade, but I mostly just use it for my meds. I need to get more, add that to the list of things to do.

Sleepy days

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Sleepy days

Since Friday night, I have been coughing and feeling sick in addition to my foot going bananas on me for the activities I did. I still am sore as I just went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. I am in more pain than I was before I left the house. So I guess it’s going to be back to bed again.

I must have caught a cold or something while at the ballpark. My throat just feels terrible and I have this dry cough. It is annoying me. But I am not really talking to anyone so I don’t have to worry about losing my voice.

I still am in a depressive mood. My appetite is still minimal. Yesterday, all I had was three slices of pizza for the whole day and today I was able to make some eggs. Now I am completely full but I am still looking forward to the left over pizza, if I get hungry later. It sucks being sick and being depressed at the same time. I really don’t feel like doing anything today. I did one thing and I am happy with that. Plus, I got chocolate for later. I don’t know why I have gone back to eating milk chocolate. I usually just buy dark. Maybe next time.

It’s a beautiful day today. If I felt more up to it, I could be in the back yard but I am not up to it. I just want to stay in my room and medicate. I am in a lot of pain. I knew I would be. Every time I get a flare up like this, it take three days to settle down. Tomorrow is my niece’s graduation. I really don’t feel like going. But we’ll see how I feel. I might change my mind.

I really wanted to get cookies while at the store. But I was good. I didn’t get them. I should have gotten the cookie spread by Biscoff. That is some good stuff. And the nice thing about it, is that I am the only person that likes it so I don’t have to worry about my family members eating it. I think it is better than Nutella.