Tag: depression

random 654

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

The shipping box for my new laptop came today. Now I just have to drop it off at FedEx to ship it. This will give me a chance to go to my old Starbucks hang out in Wellington. I hope that I can take my sister’s car tonight to drop it off, otherwise it will have to be tomorrow morning.

So far my day is going ok despite my allergies flaring up. I have had two sneeze attacks since getting up at noon. I woke up at three-thirty in the morning and fell asleep around six. I slept for about six hours. But I was productive during the early morning hours. I got to work on my book (nothing triggering) and came up with at least six pages. I am excited because this line of writing will be at least fifteen or so pages, if I am able to keep it up.

I am feeling less depressed than I was yesterday. I have more energy and I hope this isn’t a crash before a fall. I still am worried that I am going to lose my data on my laptop. But seeing that I have what I need, my blogs and book, I am not so worried. I have my music on my phone that I can always back up and Amazon has all my music is on cloud. The rest of the music is on CDs (actual CDs not CDRs) so I can always make copies of those to put it back on my phone if need be. It is weird working on my old laptop. I forgot how different the keyboard is. I am just hoping that I don’t have any more blue screens of death or that my monitor screen get funky.

This week is National Suicide prevention week. I think there was a chat on twitter about it that AFSP and Mayo clinic were holding. I wanted to see what it was about but I missed it. I don’t usually say anything, unless they discuss treatment options. Then I will put in my two cents about Jobes’s CAMS and the Aeschi model. More clinicians need to be aware of these two similar modes of therapy if they ever want to get the suicide rates down. Course the biggest hurdle is actually getting the person the help he/she needs before they act. I know it wasn’t easy for me to reach out and get the help I needed in the beginning. It took me several calls to Samaritans before I ever saw my first therapist. And I only saw a therapist after I tried to kill myself because I felt like no one would believe me otherwise. I was an intelligent teen and didn’t seem to have any behavior problems so I just felt like they wouldn’t believe me. I felt that if I cut my wrist, it would give me more creditability. After all, my own mother didn’t believe me when I told her I was suicidal. And it took the school nurse to convince her that I needed help.

There were no anti-suicide campaigns at my high school, least none that I recall. I know now they have a counseling center as well as a health center at the school, thanks in part to the movies they have made around the school and other donations. I don’t know how I got through high school as I was extremely depressed and suicidal. But I guess part of it is the connection I made with the school nurse. After I had my problems, I saw her nearly every day just to say hi and chat for a few minutes. I think those chats were the most helpful.

While I was up in the wee hours of the morning writing, I was also reading a little bit in the Comprehensive Textbook of Suicidology. I wanted to see if they had anything about “suicide careers” by Ronald Maris. And to my surprise it did. I don’t know why I wrote this book off. It also has Shneidman’s ten commonalities of suicide. I also included that in my chapter that I am writing. I think I will make what I am writing a blog post. It will be long as already it is almost seven pages or I could just write about it separately. I haven’t decided yet what I am going to do. But I am glad that I don’t have to go searching for “pathway to suicide” by Maris to find the definition of “suicide career”. The way he defines it, is a lifelong depressing road that ultimately leads to completed suicide. In the book, he uses Sylvia Plath as an example.

In finding this little tidbit of information, I feel energized to continue writing a book that talks about the newer age treatment of suicide rather than the old. I talk about my experiences and hope that one day someone will read my book and not feel so alone. Maybe they will have attempting, maybe they have been thinking about it. I will never know.

stuck in my depressiveness

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

nspw

I am stuck in my depressiveness. I cannot seem to find joy. I am listening to the ball game which usually cheers me up but not today. My team is losing but I could care less. I just took a shower because I needed to. It has been days since my last one. I just can’t get ahead of it.

One of my friends on FB just posted that I should “hang in there”. I hate when people say that, especially when you think about hanging yourself. I don’t know why I feel so low. My thinking is in reverse gear so I am not thinking as fast as I normally do. I hate when this happens. I find it hard to do anything.

Another friend of mine wanted advice on how to help someone who is feeling suicidal. She is a bubbly person, always positive despite her own difficulties. I told her to listen to him. To hear his story as difficult as it might be. That is all that someone wants is to be heard, to have a sympathetic, empathetic ear.

I posted, again, on my Facebook status that I feel depressed. Again I got the usual bullshit answers. What do you say to someone that is feeling depressed? Certainly not keep your chin up! Or things like it could be worse! I once had my sister tell me at least I don’t have cancer. WTF…really? You have to go there? No at least with cancer there is an end. Depression has no end unless you end it.

Today, Sept 8th starts the beginning of suicide prevention week. I remember I tried to organize something for the psychology department the first week of school but it was difficult as I was the only one and in the end it proved to be too difficult and challenging. So this week, I have changed my profile picture on twitter and Facebook to the Suicide ribbon. I got it from the AAS (American Association of Suicidology) website.

I still feel pretty down and feel like I should write about it. I know this is my second blog of the day. But I wanted people to know that when someone says they are depressed, don’t tell them to cheer up and say that it could be worse. This does not help the person at all. Tell them you are sorry they feel that way and offer to help them through their day. They might need someone to let off steam to about whatever their problem might be, even if you think it is insignificant, it means the world to that person.

I think I am bummed out because I can’t use my new laptop and have to use my old one. I am anxious because I never know when the blue screen of death will occur or when the screen decides to get all funky just by adjusting it. I can’t watch movies on this laptop because I don’t have software on it to play it, though I supposed I could use windows media player if I had to. I just don’t want the laptop to overheat and it gets hot after an hour’s use. Longer than that and I will start having problems. Oh the joy of technology. And the thing that really bothers me about the new laptop, which I had already reformatted, it will not load the updates that are important. I have tried several times and it just won’t load. I think I need a new hard drive. But this is an old model and I don’t think it will solve anything. I don’t think I can get a bigger hard drive anyways.

I hate feeling down all the time. Usually something will help me and I will get out of it. But today, that doesn’t seem to be the case. And you know something? I don’t care. If I am depressed so be it. It’s not the end of the world. I have been depressed most of my life and why should this day be any different. I just expressed myself on my status and someone questioned it. Don’t like it, unfriend me! Nothing is keeping you from being my friend if you don’t like my language. I really don’t care. I am tired of trying to please everyone all the damn time.

all i feel is down

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I can’t stand people this morning. Last night I wrote my FB status that I was depressed. Instead of getting supportive responses, I basically got the cheer up kind, like I had nothing to be sad about bullshit. This morning I got another bought of “stop thinking” that way. Like I have a fucking choice. I feel wicked depressed and I don’t know why. People that don’t have depression have no clue what it is like. You try and make it through the day without trying to kill yourself. But it’s hard to do when you feel you are dead yourself. I feel like there is an envelope enveloping me and I can’t breathe.

I need to take a shower today but I don’t want to. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to stay in bed all day. I do want coffee so I haven’t worked out the logistics to get that. If my sister is home and I take a shower I might get her car and go to Starbucks. If not, I guess I will just have coffee from the Keurig. I finally got the half and half to have coffee at home.

I don’t know why I am so depressed. I know part of it is because my laptop is broken and I am worried that it might not be able to get fixed and I will lose what is on there. Another part is that it is the end of summer where I usually get depressed anyways, though it usually isn’t until the middle of October. It’s the cycle for me. I get this low level depression and then it creeps into a major depression. It’s always the case this time of year. I didn’t ask for it to come around. I just feel so blue.

I am supposed to meet up with my friend today. I told him I would call him after 2 as I know he goes to the gym and is done sometime after that. I really don’t want to see a movie. I just want to get some coffee and talk. I am not a movie goer. I will go if there is something that I want to see but for the most part, I just don’t like going to the movies. I don’t know if it is because of the price or because of the loudness of the theater, but I just don’t like movies. I rather read the book.

Star Trek is coming out soon so I might watch it on my cable. That is something that I do want to see. But it’s nice to watch something at home versus going out. I know it’s not the same but at least I am not paying fifteen dollars for a ticket!

I just woke up and other than getting together with my friend, I have no other plans for the day. I don’t even plan on writing anything for my book because my psychiatrist wants me to take a break and that is what I am doing. I need to clear my head a little bit before I can continue. I hate doing it because it is taking away my goal but my health is more important. Won’t do me any good if I end up in the hospital.

I haven’t had any urges to self-harm in almost 24 hours. I am hoping they stay away but they could come back if I am triggered again. I had thoughts of what I wanted to write but they have left me now. I should have jotted them down when I had a chance.

I am re-reading Darkness Visible by William Styron. It’s a really good book. I started quoting some of his stuff on twitter that I thought was good. I will place some of the quote on my quotes page. Here is a guy that was on the brink of suicide and yet got help. I give him credit for doing it. Not many men will admit they have a problem and get the help they need. That is why stigma is so dangerous. It can kill someone because they don’t want to get help for fear of being downcast. Just like my friends, who are trying to be helpful, are just making me feel like I am a loser or I should be better than that. But I can’t help the way I feel. And right now all I feel is down.

And what is truly depressing is I have used my last k-cup of tribute blend 😦

a good but tiring day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, suicide attempt, suicide attempt survivor

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I was up till around five and finally took a bunch of pills to get to sleep, nothing that would hurt me. I slept for about three hours and then slept for six. I am still tired and feel like I could go back to sleep with no problems.

The stress of not being able to use my laptop and worrying that it might catch fire is not sitting well with me. I shut down the laptop after I was able to retrieve my files that I wanted from them. I then uploaded it to Dropbox for safe keeping. When I woke up this morning, or maybe it was before I finally passed out, I made a copy on my portable hard drive. Now I have three copies of all my files. I just have to keep updating it.

I am glad I didn’t give away my old laptop or I would be screwed. And because this thing weighs like 10 lbs I won’t be lugging it. It’s too heavy to carry. It is still portable but I don’t want to run the risk of hurting myself while transporting it. It is going to get used to typing on this laptop because the keys are not as spread out as my new laptop is. I am just grateful that the laptop was under warranty and I can get it fixed, though I know it is going to take several weeks to do.

When I did wake up this afternoon, I found that the Yankees were losing big time to the Red Sox. Yea baby!! We are on the verge of sweeping them!! I then tuned into the OSU game (college football) and they are still beating San Diego State 42-7. I am very happy my teams are on a roll. This will be the second OSU win of the season.

I am feeling very tired. My brain just doesn’t want to wake up despite drinking some tea. I really want to get back to sleep but I fear that I will wake up at an early hour. I don’t feel like working on my book today. I doubt I can write anything useful in it. I don’t want to get myself revved up with emotion.

On another happy note, I was able to find an article using Google that I have been searching for the past few days. It was the last article in which Edwin Shneidman was alive. I was looking for his exact words that he used in the article. I copied it and placed it in my quotes page. I think it is important to note because he was one of the best. I am lucky to have talked to him before he died.

The quote was “How many suicides do you want, and I say I don’t want any, but I want there to be the freedom to do it. I study suicide but I am not pro-suicide. I’m for suicide prevention.” I study suicide so I can possibly prevent my own. That is why I became a member of the AAS and read a lot of articles on suicide and suicide attempts. I figure the only way to conquer the demons is by knowing the demons. Not everything works and sometimes all that does is time.