Tag: depression

laptop difficulties

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I was having a good day until I came home after my pdoc appointment. I lifted my laptop and found there was a screw underneath it. No problem, just place it back right? Well in doing so the panel came out with it and when I started it up there was a burning smell. OH SHIT. And of course I didn’t backup my data like I wanted to last night. Something was telling me to do it and I failed to. I feel like a dipshit now. But the good news is that I have use of my old laptop, and my new one is still under warranty. I just hope that it is not a hard drive issue as I could lose my data. The technician I spoke to said it could be the motherboard or the cooling fan. I hope it is. I also hope they don’t have to wipe my hard drive to fix it. I will be so bummed. I have 40 pages of my book that will be lost!! Including the last piece I wrote that caused me to be in a tizzy! I am so pissed. I hope it is not a hard drive issue or my data might be lost. I will have lost my blogs that I wrote from the beginning of August until now. I am so bummed.

I hope my old laptop lasts long enough for my newer laptop to be repaired. Everything that I write from now on will be placed on my portable hard drive and thumb drive as a backup. And the important stuff like my book will be uploaded to dropbox at least once a week. I am glad I don’t have anything else too important on my laptop, like my data research on suicide. That is still safe on my thumb drive. And I haven’t loaded anything new on my bibliography program so those files are safe as well. I so want to try and get the data but I don’t want to start a fire and totally ruin the laptop. I have it shut off so I am hoping there won’t be any issues with it. I wish there was a way to disconnect the battery to be sure but it’s not like my old laptop. I hope maybe they can fix the CD/DVD drive as that has been causing me some issues.

I hate not having access to my files. I am glad I made a backup the beginning of August. That is better than say November! I really am mad at myself for not backing up the files last night. I wouldn’t be freaking out as much.

The only good thing is that I won’t be able to work on my book for a couple of weeks. That will give me a breather and get my head together. It is extremely difficult writing about your past experiences. I think that was why I was having the self-harm urges. I spoke to my psychiatrist today and she wants me to take a break for a while so I guess I will as I don’t have anything to work on except my blog, which I might as well back up on my thumb drive just in case the web crashes…

drinking and cutting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

***warning might be triggering***

Just finished my writing of four pages today. I talked about the benefits of hospitalization and such. I have good experience with that as I have been hospitalized over 30 times in my life. I had at least twenty by the time I was 25 years old. My depressions were brutal and all I could think about was killing myself. And back then, if you had any thoughts of suicide and were thinking about acting on it, it landed you in the hospital. Now you need a specific plan, time, and date before they admit you.

I have been having big self-harm urges today. It started last night and has not let up any today. I am able to distract myself with music and playing with my phone, usually by going on twitter. I rarely talk to anyone by my therapist about this, though today she wanted to know more about it and I blew her off. I don’t know why I blew her off. I don’t really know why I have the urges. But I just didn’t want to talk about it. I felt like if I did, the urges would come back stronger and I wouldn’t be able to keep them at bay. I deal with these urges for so long on my own that I still can’t let anyone in on them. They are too private for me to talk about. I know that the paper I wrote last night about my TG issues is a cause of it. I don’t understand the link between me being a male and me wanting to cut. And I don’t think I want to know. I also have been wanting to drink to get seriously drunk. Been staring at a bottle of crown royale the past few weeks. I could empty the bottle. It has about a fourth left if I let myself. I am just afraid of what I might do if I start drinking. I could get into the fuck it modes and take more meds than I should. I could accidently try and kill myself while under the influence. That is why I don’t drink. I am too afraid of what might happen. I have never drank and used my meds inappropriately. In fact, if I do have any alcoholic beverages, I usually don’t end up taking my narcotic medication because I am afraid of the side effects. I won’t even take an Ativan for fear of it slipping me into a coma, though I don’t take that much.

Ever since I had that mini suicide attempt last October I have been fearful of mind altering drugs and cutting. Cutting might seem harmless, but it really isn’t. Not to a former cutter. It is like a drug. Once you start, you can’t stop. You want to feel that “high” again and again with each blood drop. I can’t explain it beyond that. It’s like a thrill you can’t get otherwise. It lets go of the pain with each slash. I am just afraid of going too deep and needing stitches where I most likely will be hospitalized for my actions. They rarely let you go if you need stitches. And it’s terrible to have to sit and wait and wait and wait like you are some kind of leper. Even though you didn’t mean on doing yourself harm, they (psychiatrists and such) think you could be at risk for more harm. All it takes to get started is that one cut. And one cut is usually never enough. Just like with me, one sip of whiskey is never enough. I need more and more to get drunk. I am a binge drinker. I binge drink and then I am fine for months. But sometimes, I find that I can’t stop drinking. I am not an alcoholic. I just like to drink. And sometimes just one will do it. Sometimes five will do it. Other times it is the rest of the bottle.

I have never cut while drunk and I never drink while cutting. The hazards for going too deep and wild is too great, greater than overdosing on medication. I once wanted to cut my jugular while in a drunken rage so I decided to never mix the two. It takes some deep restraint not to give into impulses for either. And despite the impulse, I some how avoid doing serious harm to myself while under the influence of either substance. No, cutting is not an abused substance but it should be.

hard day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I have been having a bad day. I am still in a lot of pain with my ankle. I didn’t get to sleep till after one in the morning and then my phone kept on going off. Some idiot that is an unknown number calls me at 08:40 every single morning. And then will call me an hour or two later. I was too lazy to turn over and shut my sound off. I got up around eleven and took some pain meds and I was completely gone for the day, as what usually happens when I take my pain meds during the day. Funny now that I think about it, this same reaction doesn’t happen at night. I don’t understand why as I am taking the same dose. Weird.

Because my writing partner has taken today off, I decided I would too. It is a holiday after all. And my pain is making it impossible to think anyways.

I have therapy tomorrow. I am sort of looking forward to it. I really just want to spend the day sleeping like I did today. I don’t want to do anything tomorrow. It is too fricken muggy and hot in the house to do anything and I stay in my room anyways. I do need to go out. I need to get some half and half for my coffee. I didn’t have any coffee today because I didn’t want it. I can go days without coffee. I like having it but it’s not a necessity. Some days I wake up and feel the need to have it.

Last night I was listening to Luke Bryan’s CD for most of the night. I found that I couldn’t turn it off and it wasn’t until I got really sleepy did I shut it off. They say that music can be addicting and I think I am addicted. I have to listen to music everyday. It doesn’t matter what I listen to. Right now it’s Luke but that might change over the next few days and I will go back to my mixed playlist.

I had a real hard time last night as the pain was driving me nuts. I wrote a second blog that turned into an email. I sent it to my support group. I just got belittled. I felt like they didn’t validate my feelings. I was in a very vulnerable state. Some did validate it but some didn’t. Then I found myself getting angry. And I had no idea why I was seeing red. I don’t know why I was getting so upset. These people know what I am going through because they have been there. So I have no idea why I was getting so angry. I still am kind of angry and want to just go off. I think I am just displacing my anger at myself to them. I just felt really bad that I couldn’t go out to see my friend last night because I was in such horrid pain. I sent him an email and then I had a meltdown. I could not stop crying for almost an hour. I never cry. But I just had this overwhelming sadness. Sadness that I couldn’t control. Sadness that hit me like a ton of bricks. I was no longer the person that could do everything and it hurt. I wanted to do so much yesterday and could only do two things. I ran out of spoons. And I found it hard to live with that.

writing, pain, and music

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Woke up to my phone sounding emergency broadcast. Scared the hell out of me and then I heard a big BOOM of thunder. Wicked bad rain and flash floods in my area. Just wonderful on a cloudy Sunday.

I also woke up to my back hurting me and of course my ankle. I just took a shower so it really doesn’t like me right now. But I had to take a shower as it has been days since my last one. I was feeling pretty gross.

Today I am supposed to meet up with a friend for the movies. I hope my ankle pain has stopped by then. I also am planning on going to the grocery store to get the ingredients needed to make my cupcakes. I really want to do something today rather than just lay in bed resting my ankle. I know that going to the store and then making the cupcakes are going to hurt me big time. I am not looking forward to it. What is worse is that my sister is having a BBQ today. I don’t see how as the weather has on and off downpours for the next several hours. She wants me to bring the cupcakes. I don’t know how I am going to do all this. And just the thought of it is stressing me out. Stress and already being in pain is not a good thing. I just put a brace on my ankle. Pain is getting unreal but I don’t want to take more pain meds because I have things to do today. I just want to go to the grocery store and get the supplies I need for these damn cupcakes. But I just heard thunder rolling again so maybe today is not going to be the day to go.

I also have to write four pages for my book. I thought today I would talk about the struggle of being transgender. I don’t know if I can stretch it to four pages but I can try. Or I might talk about something else. What, I have no friggen idea.

I am mad crazy listening to Luke Bryan’s new CD Crash my party. There is not a song I don’t like. I have listened to one song, Play it again, over and over and over. Guess you can say I have been playing it again and again. Or as Luke says Agin! He has become one of my favorite male artists. I don’t know why I like him so much. He just has a good voice and his songs get me into a good mood. It’s like listening to Taylor Swift when I am having a bad day. Crash my Party is by far the song that gets me all mushy inside when I hear it.

I did too much. I went to the grocery store and then picked up my prescription. No movie tonight. No cupcakes made. Just listening to the ball game now and trying to relax. I am in so much pain. I feel really bad for my friend that wants to see me. I can’t even bring myself to call him back. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to be able to do all the things I wanted to do today. I know I went up and down the stairs too much. Not only does walking around the grocery store did me in but going to and from my sister’s apartment did also. I just can’t win and it gets me really depressed. It really sucks to not have use of your feet.

I know I should call my friend and let him know that I am useless today. I know either way he will be disappointed. I hate disappointing people. But I can’t do too much on my feet anymore today. I need to rest my ankle otherwise I am going to be in more pain. And I can’t be going down the stairs anymore. Even though I really want to go downstairs and watch a DVR program. I am really upset with myself. I hate that I can’t do more than just take my shower, go to the grocery store and then I have to rest because I am in pain. It’s not that I am exhausted and need to rest. I still have energy but I just can’t STAND. I can’t WALK. It is just that I am in PAIN. It is a 9 and I really don’t want it to get above a 9 because I will really be in agony, more so than I am in now. I have a high pain tolerance. Usually anything above a 7 will get me to slow down. But I feel energetic so I am pushing myself. But now I have pushed myself too much. I hate that I have energy and can’t do anything with it. I feel so bad. I even took a pain med before I took a shower hoping to keep my pain in check but it didn’t do anything. I took another pill after I came home from the grocery store and still my pain has not calmed down, though it has calmed my nerves down. I really, really hate this. I honestly have no idea how I was able to work two jobs with this pain. I know I ignore most of it but I guess when you don’t have anything to distract you, you think about it more. I am not saying the pain is in my head. I know it is not. If I touch my ankle, I will scream. Right now it is feeling a little better now that I have it elevated and not putting any type of pressure on it.

I am going to stop here because I still need to write up some pages for my book. Until tomorrow…