Tag: dissociative identity disorder

suicidal self vs DID

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

I was reading an article tonight about DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple personality disorder). It got me thinking in a lot of ways that I will ask my therapist about. I am wondering if I went into an “alter” last week when I became really suicidal. My pdoc thinks that I am just not made to be menstruating, that anything to do with it, I just become suicidal. But it’s so strange that I become this suicidal maniac until I start bleeding. Then I am back to my status quo. I woke up differently on Thursday than I was feeling on Wednesday. I still feel like I should be dead but it’s like last Tuesday was eons ago rather than just last week. I don’t know if I am making any sense. I just know that I was different than I am now and I am trying to figure it out. Nothing triggering me into being someone else. I just figured that since no one was home, they would have a hard time finding me and then it would be too late to save me. I am not going to say what I was planning on doing.

This “different” state happens all the time and I should know by now that it is hormonal. But does hormones play a part in DID? No one really knows that much about it. They know that trauma plays a huge part in forming the alters or different personality states. But why should I have just a suicidal state? I mean I am suicidal most of the time but this was different. This was borderline hospitalize me now or I am going to end my life state. And then, just like that, I didn’t want to kill myself anymore. It was the furthest thing from my mind. I am not saying that I wanted to live, because I NEVER do but suicide was the last thing on my mind and has been that way the past few days. I actually have been feeling “happy” and not moody. I am finagling how to make a future for myself that includes going back to college and getting my degree. That I don’t have a car anymore, kills me. That I am not working anymore, kills me. And the big one, that I am disabled, absolutely destroys me. I have to be on bedrest for the next month. That absolutely sucks. I literally have to make the swelling in my leg go down before my next appointment. I don’t know what they will do. Probably start me on more pills or something to get the swelling down if rest and ice doesn’t work.

And all this is fueling my suicidal gauge again. It got empty for a while but now it’s back to being full. And I cannot tell my therapist I am on bed rest because she will fucking pull that card on me big time and I don’t want to hear it. It would soon be grounds for admission to hospital and I can’t do that. FUCK that. Problem is, I haven’t figured out how NOT to keep this from her because I have a big mouth and I tell her everything that is wrong with me. I don’t know how she stands me. I really don’t. I torture this lady week after week with my suicidality. I bore her to tears with my pain issues. She doesn’t let on about it, but I know I bore her. But I am getting off topic of the DID stuff…

I don’t know when the suicidal self began. It happened really quickly and that is what scared me. I started thinking about this on Monday (last Monday) and then poof, Tuesday I was in the running for a suicide attempt. It got spoiled only because my fucking idiot therapist wanted to keep my appointment with her. Damn bitch and her decorum. It was a beautiful day to kill myself. No one was home. I would take what I needed to do the deed and be done with it with no one to fucking stop me. So the plan was to proceed anyways. NOPE, didn’t happen. I had to text her that I was going to be dead by Wed and would not be keeping our appointment because of my death. Or something like that. I am the biggest idiot alive. One hand I was having keen suicidal thoughts and in the other hand, I am texting the one person that could stop me from going through with it. I am a fucker, as she has called me numerous times now. I am not kidding. But it is true. My ambivalence got in the way, maybe, and thus my beautiful plan was never executed in the fashion I wanted it to. So then I started thinking of other ways to end my life. Until Thursday came with a little gift of discharge and all was right with the world again. Doesn’t make sense. I didn’t lose track of time. I was in the moment, well, in a suicide moment. The constriction was deep and flowing. I couldn’t wrap my head around anything other than killing myself and then poof, it’s gone. Just like that. And I am left stunned. I am back to the land of the living though I certainly don’t want to be here. I am left feeling like “did that really happen”? “Was I really thinking of taking my life that way”? Why did I want to die so badly? It just doesn’t make any sense. And I don’t think my therapist or my psychiatrist can make sense of it either. Just a few drops of menstrual blood was all that was needed to break the insanity, to lose the suicidal self. My psych doesn’t see that side of me often. She doesn’t see what my therapist sees on a regular basis. I think it is harder for her to diagnose me as a DID because of this, if I do have DID. But I don’t think having a suicidal self “counts” as a “part of self” or an “alter”. And that is really frustrating me.

I am on birth control pills that are supposed to control my menses so this break should not be happening. Yet it happens and I have no control over it. I don’t think anyone can really have control over it. Even though the discharge was only a day or so, it was enough to break the suicidal self and bring me back to being miserable. And that is that sad part of this. I don’t die and I am forced to live when I don’t want to.

Mr. Hyde and nerve pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

I have been thinking the past few days. Yes that has been the smoke that has been circulating in the air in Boston. Apparently on Tuesday in the throws of another pain episode I was barely aware of, I sent my therapist a text. It said that I cannot go on living like this, with this level of pain. I have no recollection of sending it. I knew I sent it because it is my phone but it sounded more of Mr. Hyde. I have been trying to wrap my head around Hyde. He likes to come around at various times and sometimes I can “catch him” and other time he alludes me. But I am cracking down on when he is likely to occur. When I am deeply hopeless, suicidal, and in severe physical pain. All three must be present for Hyde to emerge. The sucky part about this is my safety because Hyde want to die. I wasn’t in danger of dying, as far as I know, Tuesday but I could have. I just wanted to sleep, and fairly succeeded on doing that. I also have to be in a sleep state to bring Hyde out. He is more likely to show himself while I am overtired. Like I am now.

I just had zaps go through my foot. Just imagine the shock you get when you place your tongue on a 9 volt battery, minus the metallic taste and you have the zaps I get in my feet. Sometimes they are stronger than a 9 volt. And they jolt me awake, like tonight. I was ready to turn in but my PTSD symptoms (hypervigilance and anxiety) have taken over. It is going to take another Ativan to calm down. Hyde doesn’t like Ativan too much. It makes me really sleepy so I do sleep. It doesn’t cause me to do other weird stuff like Neurontin does. I know that I am not having another attack of CES and that things will be ok but in my head, I am “excited” and fearful of when the next zap is going to come. Usually if I stretch out my legs, it makes it worse. So I have to sit with my legs up so they don’t get zapped. And there is nothing I can take for it. The zaps come and go as they please. They don’t last long enough for me to take anything, but boy do they cause havoc!!

I am listening to Luke Bryan. He has some really good songs that I love listening to over and over again. He has that southern voice that I just love. It can be a fast song or a slow one and I just swoon over his voice. It’s not relaxing like Mary Chapin, but it will do.

I really need to go to bed soon. It’s after midnight and I need to be up at six. I need to take a shower and get ready to take my sister’s car. I will need a large coffee to help my mood. The good thing is that I don’t need to rush because I don’t have to pick up my father till 830. I then have to take him for a blood draw for his Coumadin test. He doesn’t know it yet but he will.

Well, I think the zaps have settled down some. I hope I get some sleep tonight. Or tomorrow is going to suck…

an example of Mr. Hyde

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I have a serious mental illness that wants me to claim my life. I hear voices that taunt everything I do but I have never been violent towards another person and god help me, hope I never will. I just want to kill myself because I am a sorry excuse for a human being. I don’t blame my parents or my siblings for the way I turned out. It just happens to be who I am, I may not accept it but it is who I am. I know that someday I will ultimately end my life by my own hand. I know because I think about it every day. But I will NOT take another person’s life other than my own. Do I need to have a lifetime commitment because I am so suicidal? Probably but insurance companies don’t see it that way. As long as you are not in “imminent” danger to harm yourself or others, you cannot be allowed to stay in the hospital for more than a few days time, against your will. I have been there many times and even though I have chronic suicidality, I have never been kept beyond the three days or two weeks because of my suicidality. I might have been kept because the voices were telling me to harm myself, but never because I said I was suicidal after the three days. The mental health system is wrong and should be address these issues I am stating. Because maybe a longer admission is what I need to get better. I have intense psychotherapy with my therapist twice sometimes three times a week and still feel suicidal. I have been on every drug used for psychiatry and yet I still feel suicidal. How am I to live my life when I want to end it so much? How am I supposed to work and go to college when thinking about my death is all that matters to me? No hospital can change it. No psychiatrist can and no psychotherapist can. So the blame then gets shifted on to me. It’s my fault for not “wanting” to get better, that my negative attitude/emotions are what is causing me to be suicidal. If I change my attitude, I will be happier. It’s all bullshit. It’s not my fault being this way anymore than it’s a dying person with cancer fault because they have cancer. And believe me, I would much rather trade places with them because I know they are going to die while this “emotional cancer” is eating me alive and no one can see it. And no one wants to help me either. I can only save myself if I want to. Well, I give up. I don’t want to anymore. What purpose will living my life that I know is only going to end up six feet under. I have thought about cremation but the cost is the same. I thought about buying my own plot somewhere but I really don’t care what my family does with my remains. They are of no use to me anymore. So I am giving myself some time before I do it. And hopefully within this time frame things will change. Because if they don’t I am dead and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me.