Tag: dreams

A Treatise of What is to Come

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, mood disorders

A Treatise of What is to Come

Author: G. Collerone
Copyright: February 23, 1992
Publisher: Global Issues – Mr. Bennett

When I was graduating eighth grade, I thought high school would be hard, offering challenges that would be difficult to make. But freshman year seemed easy once I’ve gotten to know my teachers well and the work was not as difficult as I thought it would be. I’m a sophomore now and it’s more difficult to keep the grades up than it was last year. Last year I studied so much mostly so I could keep sane. Problems at home made me want to study more just so I wouldn’t think about them. Now that the problems are resolved, I’m sort of not as motivated as I was before. That doesn’t mean my grades dropped considerably, they just slipped a little bit.
My goal in life is to join the Navy and become a doctor or a researcher in the medical field. Someday I would like to find a cure for AIDS or cancer. By the time I graduate from college, I hope to have settled on a career path.
I want to join the Navy because while I was in eighth grade, I had the opportunity to tour the “U.S.S. Alwynn”. It is a frigate class ship that was docked at General Ship near my school. Captain Hess, the commanding officer, invited us to lunch and I got to sit at the captain’s table. We learned a lot about the ship and the Navy. I even got to see a torpedo. The feelings I got, made me feel I belonged in the Navy. I then decided that day to join when I got older. I knew that the Navy would pay for college and possibly medical school. If I chose that profession. The branch I would like to be in is the Reserves. The way I’d go into it would be to join an NROTC (Naval Reserve Officer Training Corps) unit at the college that I choose. Not all colleges have a NROTC unit so I have to pick one that does and hope I like it. They also offer good scholarships that will benefit my education. But the real reason I want to join the Navy is the chance to get away from home, be independent and explore the world.
Right now, I’m studying to earn A’s in every subject. If I am to get a scholarship to college, I’ll need this average. The Navy also requires high average persons to handle the high tech machines it operates. The subjects in tenth grade are tougher than they were ninth. So it’s harder to keep such a high average. After school I play basketball. The positions I play are guard and forward. I used to hate playing forward, but now I’m starting to like it. I play on the school team. Last year I also played. I was on J.V. (Junior Varsity). This year I play both JV, which is now called secondary, and Varsity. Last year, the team made it to the city and state finals. We didn’t win. Hopefully we will win. Basketball is my favorite sport. When I’m not on the court, I’m watching TV or listening to the radio. If nothing is on, I’m either reading, studying, or hanging out.
When basketball season is over, I’ll be hanging out at the social center. I am a member of the Boston Youth Network (BYN). What the program does is basically keep kids off the streets and off drugs and/or alcohol. We go on field trips, have odd jobs around the neighborhood, sports, tutoring, games, groups, and other fun things. The program is run by Laurel Lamont, who, in my opinion, is an air brain, literally. But she’s a good person. I met her this past summer at my summer job. I worked at the East Boston Playschool down at the Harborside Community School. I was a counselor’s aide. I helped take care of five to six year old kids. It was a good summer for me. I relaxed from a hard school year. I know I said that freshman year was easy, but that was the school part. The hard part was home. My parents were always arguing and having to put up with it day in and day out was pretty difficult. Then during the middle of the year, around March, my mother had enough of it and said she was getting a divorce. The way I felt then, I didn’t know exactly how to feel. Parts of me were happy, because the arguing would finally end. But other parts were sad and hurt at losing a parent, which happened to be my father. So when summer came, and I had a job, it gave me responsibility and some time away from home which I needed badly to clear my head. After a long and tiring day of working with about 30 five and six year olds, I was too beat to deal with life at home. So I just put it aside and became a little happier than I had been in a long time. But unfortunately, the summer came to an end and so did the job. Then I was stuck with it. When school started in September of this year (well last), my mom kicked my father out. Things for me seemed pretty good, well much better than they had been anyway. I miss him quite a bit. I try to see him at least 2-3 times a month. It’s kind of hard because I’m so busy. At one time in my life, before the past year, things changed so much so that it was like I hardly knew him anymore. I knew that one day something like this was going to happen, but I just didn’t think it would happen so soon. In a way I like him being away. Things are less tense. But in other ways I don’t. Since He’s been away and since he changed so much, I’m not so close to him anymore. It’s not that I love him less, because it’s quite the opposite. I love him more than a lot. It’s just that his change made us move apart instead of closer. Things are sort of the same with my mom, except we were never close. Maybe when I was a little kid, but not anymore. I’d rather have it better being apart than close because once I join the Navy, I’m not coming back. So why get close to people you’re not going to see after you graduate from high school anymore. It isn’t that my mother and I don’t get along good. Well sometimes we do and sometimes we don’t. But most of the time we do because we stay out of each other’s way.
Besides living with my mom, I also live with my two younger sisters, M and S. I’m the oldest, M is the second oldest and S is the youngest. S and I get along fine. M and I don’t. We’re always arguing and fighting and doing everything sisters do when they mad at each other. We cuss each out, cat fight, etc. We’ve been this way since we were little kids. Now that we are teenagers, we fight but not that often because we stay out of each other’s way and when we don’t we have a little (sometimes big) arguments. Other than that we get along fine.
Of my two sisters, S is the one I feel closest to. Her and I talk about everything and anything. If I have a problem, I go to her and vice-versa. Or when we just need someone to talk to, we go to each other. She’s my little sister. I take care of her and she takes care of me. M and S sometimes gets along but not always. Event though S is my little sister, she sometimes acts as my older sister. One thing that I like about her is that she makes me laugh. Whenever her and I and/ or her best friend are together, we all crack up laughing. She tells me what happened while she was in school or what happened afterwards and it’s a riot, for us anyway. I guess you can say we are more than sisters, we’re best friends. I feel more comfortable with her than my other sister and mother.
Aside from family matters and home life, things are pretty good. My best friend T, have a good friendship. We’ve been friends for thirteen years now. Through our years of friendship we’ve gotten our share of good and bad times. We got into arguments and made up the next day or the day after. The longest argument we ever had lasted a week.
When we are together we have a great time. We do almost everything together. When we were growing up, we wanted to be many things when we got older, from an auto mechanic to cable installers, to firemen to paramedics. You name it we wanted to become it. But as we got older we decided to become auto mechanics and start our own business. Things changed when I started junior high. Since he had stayed back a few years, I had started without him and we didn’t see much of each other after school. When we caught up, I was in my last year of junior high and our ways separated quite a bit. He wanted to become a police officer and I had wanted to become a doctor and join the Navy. But it didn’t affect our friendship. We exchanged career plans and started hanging out more and getting more goofier together as we didn’t so. Then in December of last year, we became girlfriend and boyfriend. We had a good relationship for a while but it didn’t last. Our feelings were different so we had to break up. We did. I think our friendship, plain old friendship is better.
I like collecting stuff. When I was thirteen, I started collecting baseball cards. I have over five hundred cards. I lost interest in collecting as I got older so I stopped. But I still have the cards. I then started collecting “Star Trek: The Next Generation” (STTNG) books. I love the books and the TV show. I’m a real trekkie (Star Trek fan). To boldly go where no one has gone before! I’ve been watching the show since it first began in 1987. I started collecting the books, manuals, pins, etc. about two or three years later. I’ve become a real fan of the whole crew, especially Wil Wheaton who is the youngest cast member. He plays Ensign Wesley Crusher. He’s also played in the movie “Stand By Me”. I’ve been such a big fan that I joined his fan club called “Wil Power”. I’ve been a member since 1989. I’ve also joined his pen pal network, which is members who want other members as pen pals. I have four pen pals, one of whom I’ve written to for a little over a year now. He’s from England and we’ve become good friends. It’s been a real good experience learning what it’s like outside Massachusetts and the US. I really like it a lot.
After high school I plan to go to college, get a pre-med degree and then medical school. Before that I am going to join the Navy. I want to go to college out of state. With the Navy, I hope to see the seas and the world. To see what the world is like and to get to know what life is like outside of Massachusetts and the United States. I don’t travel much outside of Massachusetts. The only time I’ve been out of state was to see a tour of a beer factory in New Hampshire and that was when I was 10 years old! I’ll never forget that place. It smelled nasty and was cold, very cold. It must have been like 60-70 degrees outside and zero degrees inside. I swore after that I was never going to drink beer as long as I live. Not that I could at that age, since you had to be at least 21 or older.
The way I see it, the Navy can let me be independent and self-disciplined so I can support myself and have time away from friends and family. The Navy can offer opportunities no one can match. They train you to do the job you want and pay you. No employer can do that. I’d like to be a commander some day. I hope the Navy can make that dream come true.

Dream

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Dream

I had the weirdest of all dreams last night. I was dreaming I was in a hotel room with my sister and I was going to check out. I made sure I had all my personal belongings before the maid came in to clean the room and went to the check out counter. Instead of using a credit card, I used a comp card of some sort. The clerk took it and off I went to the Station as my friend and I were going to the south of Boston to meet up with my friend. As we were waiting for the train to come in, we were approached by people we didn’t know and were weird. Not that unusual in Boston, but still, it was creepy.

The time for our train had come and gone and it still wasn’t in the station. I began to panic and my friend was becoming anxious. We were on a tight schedule because we were to meet our friend and then go to a concert. A half hour had passed without any indication that the train was delayed or cancelled. It was nerve wracking to say the least. Just as the weird woman that kept talking to me pulled out a belt, I woke up. I have no idea the symbolism of the belt would mean. It reminded me of the belt that my father had used to hit us with.

The freaky thing is that tomorrow I will be going to the exact same Station waiting for the same number train at the same time in the dream. I think I am a little nervous about this trip only because last week the train broke down and caused severe delays on the line. It’s an old commuter rail train so they break down frequently. It is also weird that I saw the same friend in the dream by the station I use to go home. Talk about coincidences.

I hope my trip tomorrow goes well and I am not nervous about the train breaking down or having delays. It will suck to miss my friend’s daughter’s concert. I didn’t make it to the concert last week for her son. I really want to see them as I haven’t visited them since January. That seems like years ago now as that is when my depression got bad and then my father got his diagnosis that his cancer had returned. It was all downhill from there.

it’s 0600

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 0600

I woke up about a half hour ago from a weird dream. I was supposed to be making a tuna fish sandwich but instead there were bugs in the container. This didn’t phase me and I resolved to eat them, but as I fix the “fish” the way I like it, one of the bugs started talking to me. It was like we had to have a chat before I ate it. In the dream was Richard Dean Anderson. We were talking about his military service (from Stargate). It was a really strange dream that has me unsettled. The bugs were not usual bugs. They had unusual characteristics, like the bugs you saw on Disney’s Lion King where Timone says “tastes like chicken” while he is preparing Simba’s plate of bugs. I don’t know why I have been having strange dreams lately. I haven’t been eating anything weird or doing anything different. But at least I am reaching REM sleep. I feel rested and alert but I did wake up in pain. I took my pain meds and hoping I get back to sleep in about a half hour.

Dell called me yesterday to see if my system is working properly. I missed the call because as usual, the one time I leave my phone in my room, I get a phone call. They then sent me an email. I plan on responding later today.

I was reading a book on bipolar disorder last night. The chapter I was reading was on sleep and internal clocks. It said that sleep deprivation isn’t good for bipolar because it can set off hypomania or mania. If that were true, I would be super manic by now. They did suggest that sleeping from 1800 to 0200 might help mood. I am going to try and see if that works. Maybe it will reset my clock and I won’t have these weird sleeping hours, or sleep for longer periods than 3 hours here and 4 hours there. I can’t remember a night where I slept 6 or more hours.

I was going through “Suicide as Psychache” and found that Shneidman wrote the same line at least four times so far. I was able to find a quote for tomorrow as I got finished with his aphorisms. I was thinking of quoting the commonalities of suicide but I already have a blog about that. And there are ten of them that must be taken together or it just doesn’t make sense. I have to read the next chapter sometime today. I am not sure if I will be going out. It’s supposed to rain and I don’t like traveling in the rain unless I absolutely have to. I am craving a latte or a mocha, however so maybe I will brave the weather and go to Starbucks. I should really rest my ankle as the walking to pick up my niece last night really hurt. But I am starting to feel cooped up as I haven’t left the house since Monday.

There are some baseball movies that I want to buy from Amazon. They are relatively cheap, no more than five bucks each. I think it will be nice to watch them. A friend of mine also wants me to watch “Princess Bride”. I have never watched this movie from beginning to end. I have seen parts of it. It’s an okay movie and really funny. I am not a movie person at all. I rather read a book so there are a ton of movies that I have not seen. It’s hard when someone makes a reference to a movie and I am clueless. One movie that I really would love to see again and own is Stand By Me. I haven’t seen that movie in years. It is a great movie and has my favorite actor in it, Wil Wheaton. I was following their tweets via text but they (he and his wife) tweet a lot during the day. It wasn’t even funny stuff like it was before. I guess they get a lot of stupid people’s tweet that insult them. I find that it’s harsh. I feel bad about it but then they keep posting it and I just had to stop the texts. There were more texts from them in a span of an hour than anything. Now my phone is silent and I like that, least for now. I like following his wife because she posts pictures of their animals and they are really cute.

I have therapy today. I hope it goes well.

Blog Post 1206

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide attempt

Blog Post 1206

I slept most of the day today. I couldn’t help it. I was just exhausted. Only time that I had woke up was to relieve my bladder. The first time I woke up, which was around 2300 last night, I had a terrible dream that I killed a chicken and there were signs saying that I should attempt suicide. It was a dream that kept on getting worse and worse until I woke up.

I reblogged a post about suicide and the words you should used. “Committed” is a no no. The person that DIED by suicide hasn’t “committed” a crime in his/her death. I wish people would stop saying it, like the author of the story says.

I got a friend that had a pet chicken and the it died today, suddenly. There was no warning about it. Just up and died. My friend is devastated. I hope my dream didn’t influence the death of this little guy. I already feel awful for having the dream. Then a high school friend of mine dreamt she was fishing and caught a chicken. Don’t know what this means. Just totally fucking weird if you ask me.

My therapist is somewhere on the west coast right now. I have texted her safe travels. She will be going to Hawaii for her mother’s and mother in law’s birthday celebration. I hope the weather is nice for them. She said she will be mailing me a postcard, but it will be ok if I don’t get one. I realized yesterday that she was going to be gone the same week as the All Star Game break. So I have no therapy at all this week. Baseball was my therapy and there are no games until Friday. I really don’t know what I am going to do with my days and evenings totally free. I have a bunch of stuff to read but I can only do reading in spurts. Usually it’s a chapter or two at a time. I still am trying to finish “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”. It’s hard because the writer write how cruel we were to the African-Americans. Not only did they break up families, they also beat them, sometimes to their death. It’s a horrible read but something I think every American should read.

My psychologist friend has stopped his barrage of tweets on the Hoffman report on the APA’s involvement in the CIA’s torture of detainees. He is back at the silly pictures of his dog and other stuff. I am grateful. I like what he has to say, most of the time, but then he gets into a rampage and it’s hard to follow.

I am still sleepy so I might try and take another nap before taking my night time meds. Or I might read. I don’t really feel like doing anything. I just am so tired. I hate feeling this way, of not wanting to do anything. But I haven’t had too many down days. They are too far and in between.

I am nervous about Friday. I see my psychiatrist then. I really don’t want to see her but she insisted on the meeting. She doesn’t care how I feel that day. I am to see her anyways. I guess it will be good to see her as I won’t be talking to anyone this week other than my family. And even then it’s just about things around the house and so forth. I am kind of scared that my mother is going to freak out over the electric bill when it comes in because I have been using the AC a lot. But I cannot tolerate heat, at all! It drives me crazy and that is the last thing you need when you are already feeling suicidal. I have given her more money to put towards the electric bill to compensate, I just hope it’s enough.

The dream that I had this morning was the first dream that I have had in a very long time. I hardly remember my dreams but this one I did. I will be writing to my therapist about it. I don’t know why I was dreaming about signs saying I should “attempt suicide”. And the lettering on all the signs were purple. I guess a part of me is still wanting to try and attempt. In the dream, I was deeply frustrated. I kept screaming or grunting. And then these chickens came out of no where. I stepped on one and killed it, not on purpose. It was hard not to because there were suddenly under my feet. It was very strange and haunting.