Tag: FTM

Body image issues

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Body image issues

I know I have body image issues. I don’t like the way my body is, but I think that mostly is because I am in the wrong body. All my life, I have been told that I am ugly by my parents. Today, I took a shower but didn’t bring my clothes down so had to go through the house naked. Not a big deal, I have done it before, there are no windows to the outside and it was just my mother home. Big mistake. She saw me (there was no way not for her as I had to go by the living room door) and she starting shaming me! I couldn’t believe it. I still feel bad about it and so want to call her an asshole. But I will get my revenge another way. When my check comes in later this month, I am not giving her the full amount that I have in the past. I will give her less. See how she likes that. It’s just that hit me the wrong way. And it wasn’t the first time either today. I was watching the football game after my nap. I made a sandwich and was watching the game peacefully until she comes into the kitchen and then starts playing her dice game! WTF. I asked her to stop playing and she gives me an attitude. Fuck her. I am so done with her idiocy and disrespect. It’s ok for her to go around the house nude but it’s not ok for me? Who has to see her when she needs help getting dressed? Not the guy next door! I don’t say anything to her about her body so why should she say something about mine? I am just so sick of it all. I hate her. I really do.

Then my friend left me a weird comment about suicide. That got me into thinking about suicide again. Her rational for it made perfect sense. The only thing that bugs me is that she wrote it on a blog that has nothing to do with suicide. I don’t even mention it in the blog.

All this time, I am have been sparing my mother’s feelings about things. Now I get to say fuck you to her, though not in the direct way because I would get smacked to kingdom come. I have been nice to her so I don’t understand why she disrespects me. I certainly don’t disrespect her. I’d get my ass kicked, though probably not really as I can run faster than she can. And what am I sparing her of? She doesn’t even want to know me because of the book I wrote. Nice. Most parents would be proud their child achieved something. Nope, not my mother. My father has a free pass because he can’t read so doesn’t know I published a book. If someone has told him, he hasn’t brought it to my attention. Course, he would be more interested in the money than the work. He is an asshole anyways so it doesn’t really matter to me what he thinks. I stopped caring a long time ago. And he was the chief that kept on calling me ugly my entire life. Still does to this day.

two shots of gin

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression

Two shots of gin

The bottle of Beefeater gin was staring at me all day. So I had a few shots. I know it wasn’t the smartest thing I have done but since I left the hospital, I have been thirsty for an adult beverage. Today my pain isn’t bad, so I don’t have to worry about mixing the alcohol with my pain meds.

I did something good today. I walked 1.2 miles. The first time I ever walked that distance. I am pretty sore but I will be resting tomorrow. My foot wanted to turn the more fatigued I got so it is hurting and feels like I have a blister forming. I don’t know. There is nothing there right now but might be there in the morning. My foot is also swollen so I really have to be off my feet for the next 24 hours. I then found out that the temp today was 90 degrees. No wonder I was a sweaty mess. I didn’t think it was that hot but damn, what a stupid thing I did. Oh well.

I got my editing done on the short story piece that I am working on for my next book. My book is now 50% done. I just need to edit a few blog entries and it will be ready for publication soon. I was on a writer’s website today and they said that short story collections don’t sell well. I was bummed but I am going to put one out just the same. It can’t do worse than my book. It is going to be a risk, but I think this time, I am going to market my book better than my first one. If it doesn’t sell, I will pull it.

I also took a chance on the same writing website by trying to get an agent. I sent a query, which I have never done before. I will know in 1-4 weeks if she will accept my book. If I get a different publisher, it will be great. Maybe I will also get more publicity for my book, which will mean more sales, hopefully. I told my writing partner but haven’t heard anything back from her yet.

Other than being exhausted from my little hike I took today, I am feeling okay. My foot is hurting but that is my normal pain. I am nervous about my appointment with my therapist tomorrow. It is all about the transgender piece that I wrote. She might go off and I will have to hear her rant all session about how I should go to the next step in my transition. That will be painful. And once she starts, it is so damn hard to shut her up. I might be able to change the subject, if I am able to get a word in edge wise. I just want her opinion on the article and see what she thinks about it. I don’t want to talk more about it than that. Maybe she will cancel on me…

I have been listening to the radio most of the day today. I can’t tell you how many times they play the same songs every four hours. I don’t listen to repeats on my MP3 player so even though listening to new country music was refreshing, listening to my favorite songs that I had on mp3 more than once was killing the song. I have listened to the songs over and over so I know every word to the song but usually I like to listen to the song once a day and that is all. I get my fix. If I want to hear it again because it is stuck in my head, that is a different story. I think the radio kills so many good songs because they just play them over and over again. Pisses me off. I finally shut the radio off just now because they were playing “banjo” by Rascal Flatts. I can’t stand that song! It just annoys me. Nothing to do with them playing the song over and over again, it is just that I like ballads from the Flatts boys.

I couldn’t remember if I took my blood pressure medication this morning or not. This morning was kind of rough. I woke up around 0630 due to a bad dream. I had taken a bunch of Neurontin to quiet the nerve pain that I have been feeling all day yesterday so I was kind of out of it when I woke up. It took a cup of coffee and some breakfast to get my brain back in working order. I think I took them before making breakfast but I am not sure. I would count the pills but I mixed my old script with the new one so I really don’t have a correct pill count. So if I missed taking them this morning, oops. I hate taking pills in the morning. I really like to take them around noon when I am somewhat more awake. But I am still sort of on hospital schedule for meds. I am trying to break out of it but I keep failing at it. Because of my sleep difficulties, I have been trying to go to sleep later but take my meds around 8 PM. Doesn’t always work out that way but I try. This way I am asleep, hopefully by 9 or 10 PM. Only trouble with this line of reasoning is that I wake up around midnight or one in the morning. Fucking sucks. That is what happened last night. I woke up at one because of a stupid crazy dream and decided to take Neurontin to get back to sleep. I was expecting to sleep most of the day but I woke up instead at 0630 due to another crazy ass dream. And I can’t even recall it now. I wrote down the other dream in my journal as I wrote before the meds knocked me out. So because I didn’t sleep more than eight hours, I was kind of foggy this morning. No, I didn’t take the meds to harm myself. I have taken large doses of Neurontin before so I know the drug well. Only side effect other than being foggy is an appetite of a horse. Though my appetite has been okay for the most part today. I will probably get the hungry horrors tomorrow.

feeling distraught and confused

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, transgender, writing

I’m a little distraught today. Today is my BFFL’s birthday. He called and told me thank you after I called him to wish him a happy birthday. He then told me some stiffening news. His ex-fiance died in a car crash last week. I remember hearing about it on Twitter as I get the State police tweets. I just felt really bad because in my mind, I had “ruled” it a suicide because it was a single fatal crash. Turns out she had a seizure while driving and crashed into a tree, causing her car to explode. Not a good way to die. She was only 33 years old. I feel for her family.

I didn’t know her that well. We didn’t know each other at all, only through my BFFL. I met her a few times while they were together. She didn’t like me because she was a jealous type and thought I was going to steal him away from her. I kept telling my BFFL to say that I was gay and that would end any animosity but he wouldn’t. I guess he liked having a jealous girlfriend. She worked for the Mass Pike Authority so the last time I saw her was at a toll booth. I didn’t and she didn’t realize who we were until after we left. It was one of those do I know you but hurry up and leave type of situations. I can’t be spending all day at a toll booth. The cars behind me wouldn’t like it! I just feel really sad about the way she died.

I tried walking today, despite being in pain. It was horrible. By the time I was half way home, my ankle felt like someone was ripping it apart. I came home, got back into my pjs, took some nerve pain pills, one pain pill, and now I am writing my blog. I am not doing anything else today and hope to God today isn’t a crap day. I have nerve pain in my butt so bad I can hardly sit as I am typing this. I know I should be working on my editing my book. But I am in too much pain and soon will be in lala land. Besides, if I work on it today, I won’t be able to work on anything the rest of this week.

I have decided that half of my cash funds are going to Starbucks. I HAVE to be able to leave the house and go to Starbucks or I will just go insane in the house. My mother is now playing Yatzee, a dice game, instead of watching TV. It is so very annoying!! I rather hear the speakers of the TV than the roll of the die. She plays by herself, just to keep herself occupied. It is driving me crazy so I need to get out of the damn house.

In addition to seeing my therapist this week, I am seeing my pdoc. My pdoc sent me an email asking to come in for an earlier time. I asked again if she wanted me to come in early but I haven’t heard back from her. I think she got confused when she sent me the email but now I am confused. It’s a later time than I usually see her, which isn’t a problem, because I have nothing better to do. But I like to occupy my time accordingly. If she wants me to come in earlier, I would like to know.

I haven’t worked on the TG piece that I wrote a couple of days ago. I am going to wait until my therapist has a chance to read it before I work on it some more. I really want to re-write it, just write about how I came out to myself and where I am today with it all. I bought a reward for writing it. I felt like I should be rewarded for writing such an emotional piece. My BFFL doesn’t know I want to be a male. I think he will flip out or I might lose the relationship if he ever were to find out.

The editor for the AAS has given me a month to work on this piece. But I have so much time on my hands that I can’t possibly sit on it for that length of time. But I suppose I can alternate between my second book writings and the TG piece. I know the TG piece is going to be a huge part of therapy sessions in the upcoming weeks.

Friday Ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, depression

So I just got my delivery of groceries for the month. Every time I place an order, my mother always has something negative to say as if she spent the money for an item. I didn’t get that many things. Just water and my powerade, which was probably the most expensive thing I bought as I buy 20 at a time, sometimes 25. I do this because I have a back problem and can’t carry these items up two flights of stairs. So I have Peapod do half the work for me. The water (bought two cases and two gallons so I can make my iced tea) I leave on the living floor so that saves me a trip. I also bought my half and half, which my mother doesn’t use. The food I buy should last me a few weeks. I mostly bought cereal as I use more of it than my mother does.

Today I didn’t leave the house for anything. My foot has been feeling awful and I didn’t want the chance of pain tonight so just stayed in my room most of the day. Except for when I was having something to eat. I also watched two episodes of Rizzoli and Isles, my favorite TV show. I thought about watching a third show (I have them saved on Tivo) but I got bored. I have a lot of shows to catch up on but I just don’t have the brain power to watch TV all day like my mother.

I have to harvest my game but I lost interest in playing. I don’t know why I continue to play when no one gives me the stuff I need to complete the missions. I usually play if I am killing time for my therapy appt or something. But even the news feed on FB doesn’t have the stuff I need. I feel so out of it when I came home from the hospital because there were items my neighbors were asking for and I had no idea what mission they were playing for. It is so frustrating so I lose interest.

I worked on the transgender piece today. It was very difficult to do. I think it’s the most emotional piece I have written since my book. But something like this is personal. I came close to coming out to my mother this morning with it. I don’t know what came over me, but I just felt like saying to her, “ma, I am a male”. I don’t think that would have flown over very well, but at least I would have said it! It would be out there. Whether or not she took a nice response to it, is another story.

My best friend from childhood’s birthday is this weekend. I was going to mail him a card but I think I will call him instead. It’s the same day as my cousin’s so I never forget. He always forgets mine, always has but that is ok.

I feel really drained today. I slept fairly well, even though I woke up again at 0430. I stayed up for about an hour or so then went back to sleep. I was in pain so I took my pain meds and was quickly back to sleep. I didn’t play on the computer or write because sometimes that really wakes me up and I can’t go back to sleep. But I didn’t do that so I went back to sleep about an hour later and slept until almost around noon. I didn’t drink coffee today. Sadly, this is the first month that I can’t afford my Starbucks funds. I have around 4 bucks left in my account and that is it. I don’t know what I am going to do. I have $40 cash but that has to last me for the month. It is so hard living off disability. I still am waiting for the 3rd deposit for my book sales. I know it won’t be much but maybe I can squeeze in a Starbucks drink or two during the month.

I need a job…