Tag: music

Missed Opportunity

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Missed opportunity

I had the chance today to meet one of my favorite DJ’s at my local grocery store but I don’t feel well and it’s freezing out, like 28 with a windchill of 18 degrees. I woke up with my sinuses and throat hurting me at 0500. It already has been a long day. I really want to meet her but I am also afraid to meet her as I always have problems talking with female celebrities. Last thing I want to appear is like an idiot. When I met Teryl Rothery, I talked ok and then I got really stupid. Not one of my finer moments. Since then I have been afraid of meeting my idols. This DJ is my favorite because she has a great personality. I have loved her since first hearing her many years ago when Boston had just one country music station. They have been in Boston for more than 20 years now. I remember when she had to go on maternity leave, I was sad because I didn’t get to hear her on the radio but I was happy that she had a healthy child. She has the on-demand lunch where you call in songs. I never was able to get through but I once tweeted my song and she said she would play it. And one time she shouted out my name on the radio when I told her some news about a country artist that was coming to town. We are Twitter buddies. That is why I feel so bad not going. I feel silly as the clock is ticking but I really don’t feel like getting dressed to face the cold and a bus to meet someone I might be an idiot in front of. I know there might be another chance to meet her. Hopefully on a warmer day!

Had therapy today. We talked about nothing particular except my damn father. Just when I think I have a break from him, I don’t. I had to deal with him on the phone today. I really am thinking I should just brace myself for dealing with him every day and then when there is a day I don’t, I can celebrate.

I don’t know what else there was to talk about in therapy today. We briefly talked about how my bowels are still making me depressed but didn’t go in grave detail about it. The weird thing is that I feel we should have been talking about something other than my father, but he takes so much energy from me that I just let her talk about how many spoons I lose in dealing with him. We also talked briefly about how I am not psychotic. She was/is shocked that I haven’t had a psychotic break in dealing with my father. Though at this point, I think my obsession with Taylor Swift’s 1989 is becoming psychotic. I stopped listening to the songs while I went downstairs to see if dinner was ready and I started singing one of Taylor’s songs. I was dancing while I was mouthing the words to my mother. She thought I was nuts. I don’t remember what song it was. I just know that if I am not listening to music, the songs are playing in my head. I did take a break from listening to 1989 yesterday. But I listened to “just Taylor” playlist because I had to listen to “Love Story”. I have to listen to that song at least once a day and I hadn’t had my fix since purchasing 1989. I just love this album!

My therapist doesn’t know about the repetitiveness of the songs, yet. If I had a CD or cassette tapes, it would have been worn out by now. I don’t think I can have a psychotic break while taking my meds. Least I hope not. I know I am taking a chance taking it every other day but I seem to be doing well and have less side effects with this regimen. I wish my pdoc would have written back to me when I told her this. I really would like her feedback on it. But she is recuperating from a broken hip. I don’t know when I am going to see her again. It is so weird not seeing her every other week. I just emailed her to see how she is doing. Hopefully, she will reply.

I am glad I am not struggling too much with my mood lately. I still haven’t had a chance to go to Starbucks and write the book that I am working on. I just sit and journal when I do go. I keep forgetting the notes that I have to prompt me to write. I could do that while I am on my bed but I rather it be in a coffeehouse because it gets me out of the house. And away from distractions such as Twitter and Facebook! I have been trying to finish this blog for the past twenty minutes but keep getting distracted with FB notifications. FOCUS! OK.

My mother normally doesn’t have the heat on except if it is cold like it is today. Which is bad for me because I am freaking hot in my flannel PJs under my comforter! I am tempted to turn on the ceiling fan because I am so hot. My heat system is either wicked hot or not at all. I hate it.

Wet day

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging

Had a long day today. Spent about 3 hours in the hospital with my father for his appointments. At one point I thought I lost him in his language because the front desk ordered an interpreter when we were almost done with the second appointment. But I didn’t. Sometimes when my father starts talking in his native tongue he loses his ability to speak English afterwards. I am guessing it is an age thing. I am fearful that eventually he will only speak his native tongue when he gets older and then we won’t be able to understand him. It will be really sad.

Because snow was “predicted”, I wore boots today. Big mistake. It never snowed and the boots caused my foot to swell. My ankle and foot hate me right now. I am in mega pain. But I think my pain meds have kicked in as I am feeling woozy. I really don’t know what else would be causing me to feel dizzy right now. I could be dehydrated as I only drank a little of Vitamin water and my 20 oz mocha this morning. I didn’t want to have to go to the bathroom as I wore a diaper today. I am glad I did because I had a messy fart. I am so glad I wore them today as I had a feeling I was going to have an accident. I don’t know why if I am out of the house for more than 4 hours, my bladder and/or bowels act up. It drives me crazy.

After the appointments with my father, I went to Starbucks to wait for a friend for coffee. But he canceled on me because the weather is so yucky out. So I sat and wrote a little bit in my journal. Then I got antsy and got on the next bus. I had to get out of the boots and jeans I was in. I can’t stand being in jeans for a long time anymore. I don’t know if it is because they are tight on me now or if I just got used to wearing my PJs all the time, or what. I am so glad I don’t have to go out tomorrow.

I have listened to 1989 since I bought the album on the 13th. I haven’t listened to ANY other song except for those on this album. I am so addicted to Taylor’s album that I can’t stop. I even bought Jason Aldean’s new song “Burn it down” but have not listened to it on my phone. I just can’t stop listening to 1989. I have to know every song lyric by lyric. And now I find myself dancing to songs that I really like, which is at least 10 of the 13 songs. The only song I am having trouble learning the lyrics to is “This Love”. For some reason, it just isn’t clicking with me. If I am not playing 1989 on my phone, I am playing it on WMP. Yes, I transferred the files to my laptop. I am planning on making a CD for my niece but there is one song that I don’t think is appropriate for her. I will have to discuss it with her mother.

I guess I have been listening to 1989 non-stop because it makes me feel good listening to the music. If I am not playing the songs, I will be “singing” them in my head and I will have to hear the music. I have never been this addicted to music like I have this album.

Even though I crapped myself today, for the first time I didn’t get upset about it like I usually do. I guess because the diaper caught it I felt safer about it. I know that if I was wearing underwear I would be more upset because it happened while I was out and about. I still have trouble knowing if I am farting air or stool. It sucks when your senses are gone. So don’t take for granted of this sense!! Just like don’t for granted walking. People don’t realize how much goes into walking until you get cauda equina syndrome. And learning to walk again becomes an ordeal.

#TS1989 Day 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

TS1989 day 4

This is the 4th day that I have been listening to 1989. I can’t stop listening to it. Every song is my favorite and I think I am starting to know the lyrics by now. “Clean” is moving up to be the top favorite

For the first time in forever, I slept more than 8 hours last night. I woke up at 0830. I never wake up at that time. It’s usually 0730 or earlier. But I bet because I have to get up early tomorrow, I have a crappy sleep tonight. I will try not to go to bed too early, but I took a nap after I had breakfast. Not a good idea. Right now I feel so sleepy, I could go back to sleep. I am just so sleepy today and I don’t know why.

I am looking forward to meeting up with a dear friend of mine tomorrow afternoon. I am hoping that we can have a quick lunch before he has to go but if we just have coffee, that will be cool. We haven’t met up in so long because his schedule and my schedule have been conflicting. I still have to call his office and reschedule my eye appointment. I think I will have it done the week after Thanksgiving. But I get to hit Starbucks twice in one day so I am happy about that.

I took a short walk to Walgreens to pick up my meds and now my ankle is hurting me as if I walked 3 miles. I was doing so good pain wise and now it is back. I don’t get why I am hurting. I think the baclofen is helping decrease the pain some but it doesn’t take away all of the pain that I feel. I did stand more than 10 mins yesterday at the restaurant while waiting to be seated at our table. I was expecting to be in horrendous pain but I wasn’t. Now, the short walk set it off. And by short, I mean a block and a half. I did have to stand a little bit in the store but not too long. I was kind of disappointed that one of my medications was out of stock. I hope they are able to get it tomorrow. I will be in real trouble if they don’t carry it anymore. I will have to switch to another medication and I really don’t want that. I have been on this medication for years and I have found it works really well for my arthritis and back pain issues. My physiatrist wanted to switch me to a different NSAID when we first med but I deterred. We’ll see if my script gets filled this week or not. If it doesn’t, I will switch to a new medicine when I see my doc on Friday.

Game Rant: I completed three missions the other day. It took me months to complete so I was feeling proud of myself. Then Zynga squashed it by giving me 13 new missions! I was pissed. I still am because it is probably going to take till Easter to finish them all. But I a glad they are not repeatable. I hate repeatable missions because they just take so long. Right now I got one that is for mushroom soup. You need 15 but you need 4 soups with green beans to make 1. It totally pissed me off and you have to do this 4 times!! I don’t know why I keep playing this game. I used to find it fun, and sometimes I still do as it gives me something to do. But its laborious and if I was working, there would be no way I could do the missions. I would be stuck. I’m lucky that my new neighbors do help me out. I have like 250 neighbors but I think only 60 play regularly. My neighbors always talk about blocking people but I have no idea how to do that and I am not going to post on someone’s wall and say can you please block the game because you aren’t playing anymore. I kind of like having them around because I can gift them my excess things.

My cousin was supposed to buy my book yesterday but she never made it to my house. She had to work late. I am kind of nervous about her reading my book. I just hope she isn’t judgmental. It will really suck. Right now you can get my book for 99 cents on Kindle. Link is here

Day 2 of TS

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging

Day 2 of TS

I am on day 2 of listening to 1989 by Taylor Swift. I can’t stop listening to it. The songs are so good. There isn’t a song I don’t like. And with the song/hit “Shake it off” I can’t stop moving when I am listening to it. I have to bob my head or just dance in my seat. I am really enjoying this album. It might become my favorite.

Last night, I got really depressed. Not suicidally depressed, but enough that made wonder if life was worth living. I don’t know what got me into the funk, probably the sun going down because it happened around that time and the mood got worse as the night wore on. I haven’t sleep more than 3 hours today. I went to sleep at 1 and woke up at 4. Tried to go back to sleep at 6 but couldn’t really get a good rest. I gave up around 10 as I got hungry. I finished off the rest of my Chinese food. Then my sister offered me peppers and sausages so I had some of that. I am planning on ordering a pizza later for dinner. With fries because I haven’t had them in a long time. My niece and I will devour them, I am sure. I still have to go to Walgreens and pick up my prescriptions. I think I will do that before I pick up the little one. She is still sick and I am weary of being around her because I really don’t want to get sick. I haven’t decided if I am going to get half cheese and half pepperoni or just get half pizza and then a steak and cheese. I am on the fence. Guess I will decide later. I am not hungry right now so I can’t say what I want.

My legs are hurting me for some reason today. Every time I stand on them, they feel like they are going to give out on me. Weird. So far they haven’t and I hope that continues. It will suck to fall.

I tried to write with my mood being dark last night but being tired interfered with good writing. I think I just wrote a page in my book because I was obsessing over 1989. I had to see if I got the digital booklet on my phone (I didn’t) so had to use the computer to download it. I got all the lyrics to the songs, which would save me a bunch of Google searches. In my search I found an article by Edwin Shneidman about commonalities on a good death. It is a really interesting article but for some reason I read the first paragraph and then I keep getting distracted. Since his death, I have been having trouble reading his stuff. I miss him. I wish we could have had a conversation about psychache and constriction and lethality. It would have been awesome to pick his brain. But my last conversation with him, he was cranky so I never bothered him again. Then he died a month later. I guess I am still devastated by his death. I knew it was coming as he was having major health problems. I just have to move on and be able to read his material. I know I won’t be sorry reading it as I always learn something from it, even if it is my second or third time reading it.

I am still waiting to hear back from my father’s doctor and my doctor. I am so annoyed I haven’t heard anything. I got to call my father soon and tell him he has an appointment on Monday and maybe that will settle his anxiety some. I will have to explain to him that he has to go to this appointment because it for his pre operation stuff. Without this, he cannot have surgery. He is scheduled for three weeks, though I am trying to move it up the best I can. I am hoping that when the doc sees him on Monday he can do something for my father.

I have not written anything today other than this blog. I am too tired to come up with something. I was hoping to come up with something last night as I had the itch to write but nothing came of it. I got sucked in TS world and that was it.

My mother is making cookies. I hope they are something good.