Tag: psychache

still wicked depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

Not too sure I want to go out today for my latte. It’s really cold out, but we didn’t get any snow last night, least none that I have heard about.

I finally typed up my darkness pages that I wrote out the other night. It wasn’t as bad as I was imagining but it left me in a sad mood, almost suicidal but not really. I just feel like a lowlife.

I ordered my favorite food today but it didn’t taste good. Nothing tastes good anymore. I don’t know why that is. My taste buds seem to work only when they want to. It is frustrating because when I want something and it doesn’t taste good, it just spoils my appetite. Lately, all that I do want to eat is cereal or an egg. But I had an egg for the first time in a week and it didn’t taste good. I mean it wasn’t bad or anything like that, it just didn’t satisfy me. Tomorrow I am going to be making Hawaiian chicken in the crock pot for the first time. I hope that it is good. But the depression is making it so that I don’t want to make it. I have to cut up the chicken and then mix the ingredients. It should be good for a small crock pot. It sounds like work and it is overwhelming me. I hope the feeling is gone by tomorrow.

I have to pick up my niece today so I am not sure if I want to go out. Right now, I just want to take a nap. I haven’t done anything today except for typing up my story. I really don’t need a latte. I can make a cup of coffee and call it a day. Thing is, I don’t know if my sister still has my cream. I keep it at her house so I don’t have to keep taking it up and down the stairs with me. But her family uses it so sometimes I don’t have it. And it is not like I can put a sign on it saying don’t use in my sister’s house. She will just say to bring it upstairs.

I still am having trouble with concentrating. That has to be the most frustrating symptom of depression. It is because you can’t do anything about it and you can’t do anything without it. It’s taken me forever to write this blog because I keep getting distracted. Between the TV going downstairs and my phone’s text messages, I just can’t concentrate on what I want to write.

I haven’t heard anything from my friend’s people who are reading my book, or should be. I just had two people read it and they both liked it. But these people know what Cauda Equina Syndrome is. They live with it every day so they know what I am talking about. I don’t know how that is going to be with someone “normal”. I have about three weeks before my editor takes the book from me. I like to have at least two more feedbacks before she grabs it. I am wicked nervous about it. On days like today, my book sucks and no one can tell me different. Then I think about Jobes and his endorsement of my book and realize it is not so crappy.

What is surprising me throughout this whole depression is that I am not planning my own death. Usually I will and that will give me a sort of release. But this time it is taking too long for me to even think of death. It’s like it is too far from my reach so why bother. Sure I have plenty of pills I can overdose on. But why get sick on that. Then I will lose the trust of my doctors and I can’t go through with it. Their trust means so much to me. I feel like I should call my psychiatrist but what is there to say? I am depressed, again for the umpteenth time? Sometimes I just don’t think she understands just how painful these depressions can be and what cost it takes on my heart. I don’t think any one cares about that cost.

wicked depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide

With all this technology, you would think that you could just talk and the computer would do the writing for you. Oh Wait, that does exist. Except the software is really expensive when you are on a limited budget. I had to choose between my cell phone bill or groceries and groceries won. Everyone keeps telling me to apply for food stamps but to me that really is a downer and a flashback to my childhood. I thought I was doing better than when I was younger but I guess not. I am just above the poverty line and it kills me that I have sunk this low again all because I am disabled. I feel as long as I have a cell phone, I don’t need food stamps. Let the people who are really struggling get them or the illegal aliens who know how to get them and still work three jobs. I just don’t care.

I feel like crying and I don’t know why. Just texted my therapist that I don’t think I can wait until Tuesday to meet with her again. I just feel so stressed out. I am wicked depressed. Last night I wrote two pages about Darkness. It sent me into my dissociative state because apparently, I sent a text message to my therapist and I don’t remember sending it. The last message I remember sending was me deserving to die. I need to type up what I wrote but I am afraid that will trigger me again. I just hate this dissociative crap. I half remember what I wrote and half of me doesn’t. I just know I must have used darkness repeatedly because that is all I remember. What stinks is that I bought a software program for speaking into the computer to type my words (Dragon Naturally Speaking). Problem is, it is not compatible with Win 8. I have to get the current version and it costs a lot. So I bought what I could afford, I nice headset with a microphone. Next month I will buy the Dragon. I hope that it will be cheaper than what it is now. I could use it on my old laptop that still works but I have to reinstall the software and it takes forever to do it. I just don’t have the patience. Plus the laptop gets hot really quickly so I will burn my legs.

I hate being in a bad mood. Therapy went ok today. She didn’t nag me but went off about how important it is for me to have my pain meds from a psychological viewpoint. It’s complicated to explain, but her theory is that if I have my pain meds it provides me with a type of security blanket so I don’t freak out when my pain is at its worse. Because the pain can trigger my PTSD symptoms really fast, this is why having my pain meds is important. But my doctor doesn’t want me on them long term. I haven’t figured out what long term exactly means because I have been on the same pain meds for last decade or so. I might not take them every single day but knowing that they are there in case I need them is a big relief for me. I would be going out of my tree if I didn’t have them. And if I was in the throws of a flare up, I know I would become suicidal. So I guess that is the psychological viewpoint that my therapist give me every time I see my PCP and he has some lame brained idea to get me off my meds. I’m sorry, but the pain meds are the ONLY thing that has helped me and I have tried all other non-narcotic pain meds, from pills to gels, to creams. Nothing else works as well as my pain med.

I don’t get high off my medication. I don’t use it illegally. I don’t sell my meds nor do I take more than prescribed. The only time I will take more than prescribed is when my pain is at a level of 20, and my doctor knows this. That is why he has given me a little more than a month’s supply to make sure I am covered should I have a flare up.

I guess you can say I am having a flare up of depression. Today it is breathing down my throat in a big way. I find it hard to concentrate and to get motivated. I wanted to go out to Starbucks today but the weather was iffy but it turned out just to be a cold day, no snow (so far anyways). I just feel out of sorts. And I want to die very badly. I wouldn’t mind stepping in front of a speeding semi rolling down the road. Or playing on the train tracks.

NSSI and twitter chat

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide attempt

Just read a blog about suicide ideation. The writer was able to distinguish that her thoughts were due to her illness rather and not have further thoughts about them. I wish I could do that in the moments I think about death but once I start going down that road, it is hard to do. It is hard to pull back. She wants to live, I still want to die. I don’t want to live this life anymore. It is just too painful.

Last night I was on a twitter chat about non-suicidal self injury (NSSI). It was interesting. I know I have been there many times in my cutting days. But the discussion focused on how to differentiate between NSSI and suicide attempt. For me, if I needed stitches, it was always viewed as an attempt and I was sent to the inpatient unit. The discussion focused more on law enforcement but they are not always first responders, unless a family member or someone close to the person who has cut has called for help in dealing with the issue. But that is a different scenario. Most NSSI people are just looking to release their pain and once they do, they get trapped into the cutting/burning because it becomes an addiction. It is very difficult to try and stop this type of addiction. I know because I once left a wound open for two months, repeatedly cutting until I felt no pain. But I was able to stop because it stopped giving me that high that I needed. Now I just have an ugly scar to remind me of that time period.

I like the fact that the President of the AAS (American Association of Suicidology) is a person that doesn’t like the “no harm” contracts that therapists often use to try to stop suicidal or self harm behavior. He knows they don’t work and would like to see more of a “life worth living” contract in this scenario. I wish I could meet him for the annual conference but it is in Los Angelas and that is way too far for me to travel and too expensive to boot. I hope I do get to meet him one of these days, just to say hello and have a person to person contact rather than an online one.

I was rather surprised to hear him talk about contracts. I wish I could remember his exact words, they were very cool. As I just came across David Rudd’s “no suicide contract” journal article, I thought about the wording that he used. It is similar but not quite so “life worth living”. In Rudd’s article he talks about a commitment to treatment contract for the use of suicidal persons. I suppose the same can be made for NSSI, with some modification but it would be really difficult as cutting is so difficult to treat. It just is a lot of pain and misery the person is feeling and also hate. Can’t forget that hate is a main factor in cutting, least it was for me. I hated myself so much I just wanted to destroy myself anyway that I could.

in hibernation mode

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Seems I have fallen into another depression. It came on early this week and yesterday I slept all day, all without the aid of any medication. Course I was up most of the night taking pain pill after pain pill because my ankle was so bad. It got me thinking that the pain I feel physically is sometimes almost as bad as what I feel emotionally.

I see my psychiatrist on Monday evening. I wish it wasn’t a late appointment but I have nothing better to do during these days. Sure I can work on my manuscript. I actually got a couple of good reviews on it so I was thrilled my book doesn’t suck. I repeat myself a couple of times and so I will let the editor pick it out and we can sort through whether or not to keep it. Some stuff I do want to repeat because I think it’s important. On a whim, I loaded the book on the site that I will be publishing from and found that I have several formatting errors. I am like WTF! I was very upset and it kept me up most of last night. I am not good with formats so I don’t know what I am going to do. Some of the stuff gets put onto another page, others are blank pages. It is a mess. I will sort it out when I get the energy. Right now I just can’t be bothered with it. But at least I have the template for the formatting. Once all the edits are done, I will load it back to the template and figure it out from there. It will make the production longer. But oh well.

I can’t seem to be motivated today to pick up my other manuscript on my short story. I was going to publish that first but it is too short. It has to be at least twenty-four pages and so far the story is only eight, with the format. I am almost out of my Starbucks funds so I don’t want to use them. I think I have enough funds to cover me for next week anyway. I see my Primary doc Tuesday and I really don’t care what he has to say at this point. Long as he gives me my prescription for pain meds, he can say what he wants. I am not seeing another doctor for this problem. It’s like seeing a lot of doctors for my depression. They all are going to give me a diagnosis for depression so why bother seeing them. I sleep a lot, I have no energy, I eat less but don’t seem to lose weight, I lose interest in things that used to interest me. I have no sexual desire at all but then I am single so what difference does that make? I just am in hibernation mode or something. Yesterday all I had to eat was pancakes before I slept all day. I didn’t even go to the bathroom because I didn’t drink at all while I slept. I’m starting to think that my kidneys are shutting down because I am not drinking enough. Least that is my paranoia. But most doctors if they are trained in psychiatry will call this a depression. They may give me something for it but I am past that stage. No antidepressant out there is helpful for me anymore. I have been through them all. Now it’s just supportive care to get through them and it sucks. I wish I sometimes had the creative hypomanias but they are too far in between episodes. I can’t recall the last time I had an episode, it was that long ago. I get them so infrequently I don’t know why I am labeled as a Bipolar. Schizoaffective maybe, but I don’t really think I can be called bipolar.

I am tired. I have been meaning to take a nap for the last couple of hours and I have failed. I ended up watching videos on YouTube. I guess it is for the better, so that I am not waking up at three in the morning.